MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 My bf of a year and I have had issues, mostly recurring ones, and I finally had enough of the arguing and debating, and we resolved all our issues (his issues with being jealous of guys giving me attention, even though I do not respond). At the end I had a concern as to "what next" what will we fight about next. Well, we barely made it a week and now we have another giant brewing. My family was visiting from out of town so I had them over for dinner. I had my kids with me. My bf was invited but had to take one of his kids to an event. There was alot of food and my mom suggested inviting my ex husband over. We are friends, we get along, no animosity, and his gf moved 1000 miles away a few weeks ago, so she was just being thoughtful, and they hadn't seen him in a couple years. I hemmed and hawed and was afraid to admit that my bf wouldn't think much of that idea, but since he wasn't there, I asked one of the kids to call their dad. He declined but said he'd come by later. He showed up and said he was going to drop by anyway. He didn't know that my bf wasn't there, he would have come anyway. My bf has a huge problem with this. He has been at a few events where my exH showed up or was there because the kids were there, etc etc. I don't have a problem with it but he feels very uncomfortable and got really nasty with text messaging me today. I was so mad, I don't need his insecure, jealous bs, and am so tired of it. I never seem to do the right thing according to him. I'm seriously thinking this is the last straw. There is no way my ex and I would get back together. He is not a threat at all. There is alot more to a marriage than "getting along" and believe me, there was nothing more than that in our marriage which is why it ended. My bf has problems with his exW. She is a nutcase. I would love to be included in his family events, and sometimes I am but not if it's their kids and she is there. I would rather be invited and feel out of place than not be invited and feel left out. It would be different if I knew she would be respectful (as my exH is) but she would throw out nasty comments to my bf and me, so yeah, it's a little tough to compare our situations. Am I wrong to be upset at my bf? If it's not one thing with him, it's another. I love him very much, he gives me lots of attention, but he can be the biggest a-hole sometimes.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 We're still nowhere after a few emails today. He wants me to spend the night. I'm not so sure because I need my sleep, but I'm going out of town this weekend (which is why I need my sleep, it's an important event). I know we need to talk about it but I'm not sure where I want to go with this or how to get past it. I can easily forget his ridiculous-ness over this if he will not do it again. He says I push the envelope. Just because I don't fit his mold of how I should behave, I don't think I am doing that. I don't know what to do.
Enema Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 I don't think you did anything wrong. Your boyfriend is jealous, insecure and controlling. If you give in to him now, even by not putting your foot down and stopping him - you will be justifying his doubts in his own mind. I think you do need to let him know that while you do love him, it's not acceptable for him to behave this way and if he can't get over it you'll have to say ta-ta. You don't need to be dealing with this drama for the rest of your life.
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Talk to your exH and maybe, since you two are good co-parents, ask him to take your bf out to dinner, or to watch football. It could be your bf needs to meet your ex, get to know him abit so HE can see with his own eyes that there's nothing to feel threatened about. Your ex is ALWAYS going to be in your life and your bf has to know this and accept it. If he can't, then it will always be an issue between you two. Another thing, your bf seems like an overall jealous guy, that is going to be a problem later in life if you stay with him..
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 He would never agree to doing anything social with my ex. The first time they met was to watch me compete in an event, and my ex brought my kids because it was a big event. It wasn't uncomfortable for me - I had the support of the most important people in my life, but my bf still says it was very uncomfortable for him. We talked last night, and I basically said over the emails that his behavior is ridiculous. He said he's crazy in love, and maybe I'm not used to someone loving me so much. I said that his craziness will drive us apart, and I didn't want to have to try and keep acting according to his rules that I find out as we go along, if we resolve one thing, there's always a next thing. I said the following as well: "It never ends with you. You seem to want to dictate the way I should act and respond to people. I will not live my life under your control. If I don’t act the way you want me to act, then maybe I’m not the girl for you." So last night he told me I can do whatever I want. He won't give me a hard time. He said there won't be a "next thing" and he promised. Well, his words had a touch of an attitude but I think he was trying to be genuine because I could tell he was really afraid I'd leave him. He even said I could text whoever, and respond to whoever, but I reassured him that I do have my own set of rules I can follow, and I have a line I won't cross, and I won't flirt or respond to texts from coworkers, etc etc. His feelings are important to me, and I do make decisions based on that so I just hope he doesn't think that by saying that, that he has a right to go out and flirt and party and be an a-hole. I'm sure he won't because I'd be gone in a flash. So that's the scoop. Thanks for your support.
Enema Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Thanks for the update. Sounds like things went pretty well. Be sure and post back with the latest goss if it goes pear shaped!
RecordProducer Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Your BF sounds like a typical woman! I think it's great that you're not giving in. I mean, it's good to reassure him that you're being faithful, but you're not changing your life for him, which is great.
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 So last night he told me I can do whatever I want. He won't give me a hard time. He said there won't be a "next thing" and he promised. He's fooling himself by saying he won't react and will be fine. He may want to believe his own words, but I seriously doubt his jealously and insecurity issues are going to disappear that quickly. Bottomline, he has to trust you and he also has to work on his own issues - What to REALLY get upset and jealous over, and what to just let go. Your ex IS ALWAYS going to be around in your life, that is something he must get used to. If he can't, well, the relationship will die.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 I know you are right WWIU. I am giving him this chance. We are very close but sometimes I think that we are too serious, or we act too much like a married couple when we can't even think about that for several years until our kids are finished school. Neither of us can really move, and we're an hour apart in case you were wondering why. I know I need his attention, I know I am partly afraid of being alone, or not afraid more than just don't like it because it sucks. If it dies slowly I can see us still being friends - well, maybe. Thanks, and if there's a next time I'll be posting here!
Art_Critic Posted October 11, 2008 Posted October 11, 2008 We are very close but sometimes I think that we are too serious, or we act too much like a married couple when we can't even think about that for several years until our kids are finished school. 10-1 he senses this feeling in you.. you don't seem too invested and he feels insecure. Is your divorce final yet ?.. If not then he may see that as a wall to the relationship going any further and he may feel you are not ready for a relationship with him.. It is good that you had a talk with him but it still seems like you are still on two different pages as far as the future of you two together.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 12, 2008 Author Posted October 12, 2008 I know I know... I have the divorce papers all ready and haven't had the chance to actually file them with the court, but it's been almost 4 years now. I have no reason for procrastinating other than just not being organized and finding time to leave work during the day. We are not going through lawyers. My bf and his exW are having a terrible time getting their lawyers moving, and there is alot of animosity in his ex-marriage so we are sort of in the same boat. I had a really good chat with my best girlfriends as well as some time to think this weekend. I am going to tell my bf exactly what I need out of our relationship if we want it to work. If he doesn't think it will work, then we will have to agree that we're wasting each other's time. Example: Money is tight with him but still, it would be nice to be taken out for a nice dinner once in a while. I have taken him out, but the only times we've gone out is like a lunch or dinner with the kids when we didn't feel like cooking (eg pizza) but no planned romantic dinner out. I would rather once every couple of months do one nice dinner than all the little snacks with the kids. I need to tell him that this is what I want. I also like the outdoors, and get really bored watching movies in his apt. His job takes him outdoors so he would rather stay inside. He does alot for me, but not always the things I need or want. I love him but I also want to be with the person I can see spending the rest of my life with (I'm 43). I can't see this today, some days I can with him, but not lately. We fight too much, and there are alot of kid issues, and his ex issues as well as the jealousy. Maybe he senses this, actually I know he does. He knows his financial situation, and tells me he wouldn't blame me if I ran, and I try to reassure him while thinking in my head I should run! I don't want to waste time when the right man may be out there for me. It's going to be a tough week. *sigh*
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