This man is driving me nuts

[Angel1111]

I think I know what everyone is going to say but there's always something I haven't heard yet. This guy is married, we once had a relationship but I ended it. Someone told me that there was a time when he was seriously thinking about leaving his marriage for me but that never happened. If the topic ever arises about our feelings, he says he just really likes me and enjoys my company. Despite our break-up, he still stays in pretty close contact with me. He lives in another city but he was traveling today on business (not to my city).

 

I honestly don't have any hopes that he's going to leave his marriage because I learned a long time ago that I'm just someone 'fun' to him and I don't kid myself about that. But I get very confused about the level of attention he gives me and the things he says in his texts. So, I'm just curious if anyone else would take these things more seriously - because I think they're pretty powerful things to say to someone you're not serious about:

 

He texted me tonight and asked if he was interrupting me. We chatted for a little and I made a joke about how I noticed he didn't make a detour on his trip to come to my city (because we joked about this earlier). He said, "If I didn't have a full day of meetings tomorrow, I would've. Thought about it several times."

 

He says stuff like this all the time. Who says this kind of thing to someone they don't have feelings for? I guess what really bugs me is that it makes me think that I can't trust my instincts. Because if he were any other guy, I would think he thought the world of me. It makes me question myself, and basically drives me nuts.

 

(P.S. Sorry for the edit. I hit the enter button on my computer before I was done typing)

[kizik]

Angel,

 

you gave me some valuable advice some months back that I still think about and try to adhere to. You said, and I quote, "Your job now is to forget she exists." This was in response to me wondering aloud if she was w/ someone else already.

 

For someone as smart and insightful as yourself, you're only doing harm to yourself by staying in contact with him. You're letting this guy drag you along when your rational mind knows it's never going to be the kind of R you really want.

 

Why the f*ck are you still in contact with him? It's only hurting you.

 

Your job now is to forget he exists.

 

Josh

[Angel1111]

Angel,

 

you gave me some valuable advice some months back that I still think about and try to adhere to. You said, and I quote, "Your job now is to forget she exists." This was in response to me wondering aloud if she was w/ someone else already.

 

For someone as smart and insightful as yourself, you're only doing harm to yourself by staying in contact with him. You're letting this guy drag you along when your rational mind knows it's never going to be the kind of R you really want.

 

Why the f*ck are you still in contact with him? It's only hurting you.

 

Your job now is to forget he exists.

 

Josh

 

Wow, I don't recall ever telling someone to forget that someone exists - I need to go find that one. Not that I don't believe you but I hate it when I can't remember something like that.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know he doesn't mean the things he says and I don't kid myself about that. What I wonder about is if all guys are like that...? Do they all give that level of attention and say those kinds of things when there's really nothing behind it? It makes me doubt my instincts about that kind of thing.

 

I'm in contact with him because he's someone who's very near and dear to my heart. I have no intentions of losing his friendship. In that sense, I know I mean an incredible amount to him, too. It's like a soulmate kind of thing - his words - and I agree with it. As I said, I don't kid myself about where he stands and even though he thought about being with me several years ago, I don't believe at all that will happen now. Even before he met me, he had left his wife. But he went back and it all fell apart again. But I think he has decided that this is the way his marriage is and he can live with it.

 

Maybe what you're saying, though, is that it's causing me to question everything else around me because I know he doesn't mean anything by the things he says, so I now wonder if I can believe anything anyone else says. I'm not sure what to do about that.

[Angel1111]

Last night after his comment about wanting to come see me, I told him that he says things that confuse me. He said that he just sees me as a friend and that I read too much into what he says; that he doesn't want to hurt me or lead me on, and that he'll stop flirting with me. But he says he enjoys it. Isn't this just dumb? I mean, seriously, who talks to 'friends' like that?

 

I stopped wondering a long time ago about why he does and says some of the things he does and says, but yesterday I think I just needed to know what he meant by that comment. I was also thinking that, well, if I can't believe what he says, how can I ever believe anyone? Then it just made me mad that someone would act this way and then say I'm nothing more to him than someone to flirt with because it's fun. I think there's a difference between fun flirting and saying things more serious like "I miss you" (which he has said in the past), or like what he said yesterday about thinking about coming to see me if he didn't have so many meetings.

 

Anyway, I'm just venting I guess. Not that anyone really seems to care, based on the lack of response. I guess he's just bored to death with his marriage and I'm an outlet. That's what I really think it's all about. He really likes me as a person, finds me entertaining, and it's not his boring marriage.

[carhill]

Soulmate and "just flirting" and knowing your feelings are all in conflict. He's simply behaving the way he is because he can. IMO, if he was really your friend and soulmate, he would be far more sensitive to your feelings and desires and respect your needs and reconcile them with his own. Your desires for each other are apparently different. Someone is affected negatively by this imbalance. That's you

 

If he's bored, he can go out with the guys and/or get a stimulating hobby. Toying with a woman's feelings is not the proper way to medicate boredom ....

 

I normally call this behavior an ego feed. That pretty much sums it up. My experience has been that people who have core self-esteem issues engage in such behaviors. Would you concur?

[lofi_tokyo]

Heya Angel!

 

I do think your ex's actions are a little bit questionable... and it is possible he may be fishing for something, or wanting more from you.

 

The question you have to ask yourself, I think, is what are you gaining from this?

 

Is calling him a "soul mate" really just an excuse for feeling good that he gives you special attention in a way he does not give his wife? I think, if I was in your situation, I would drive some sort of satisfaction from being so special and close to my ex, in a way his wife was not. Maybe I'd call us soul mates, to make it seem more romantic, and less raw and questionable that it really is.

 

I don't know if thats what you're feeling, but if it is, I think you may want to step away from this situation. Surviving off that small pleasantry isn't worth it, because at the end of the day, you ex is married and in love with his wife. From the sounds of it, he MAY have feelings towards you romantically, but would he leave his wife? It does not sound like he would. And even if he did, would you be ready for all that emotional turmoil he would have with his wife, the messy divorce and what not?

 

I may be over presumptuous here, but it sounds to me like what you and him have going on his definately not healthy. It sounds like he is possibly using you (without realizing), because he has problems in his marriage (possibly boredom), and rather than rectifying them, he is looking elsewhere to make himself feel good.

[Angel1111]

Soulmate and "just flirting" and knowing your feelings are all in conflict. He's simply behaving the way he is because he can. IMO, if he was really your friend and soulmate, he would be far more sensitive to your feelings and desires and respect your needs and reconcile them with his own. Your desires for each other are apparently different. Someone is affected negatively by this imbalance. That's you

 

If he's bored, he can go out with the guys and/or get a stimulating hobby. Toying with a woman's feelings is not the proper way to medicate boredom ....

 

I normally call this behavior an ego feed. That pretty much sums it up. My experience has been that people who have core self-esteem issues engage in such behaviors. Would you concur?

 

Right, all those things conflict. And, yeah, I think 'ego feed' is a good way to put it because when I called him on it, he backed down. This is not a man who's serious about me and who really is just feeding his ego. I'm just tired of it because when I realized (a long time ago) that he wasn't going to leave his marriage, I bowed out of it and we've kept a pretty friendly relationship.

 

But he crossed a line yesterday and if he thinks paying that much attention to someone, saying the things he says, and then calling it 'just friends', then he's just delusional. No person in this world does this with someone they think of as only being a friend. That's the part I was trying to grasp and you're right, he's just toying with my emotions and I'm the one who'll end up getting hurt again if I let him.

[Angel1111]

Heya Angel!

 

I do think your ex's actions are a little bit questionable... and it is possible he may be fishing for something, or wanting more from you.

 

The question you have to ask yourself, I think, is what are you gaining from this?

 

Is calling him a "soul mate" really just an excuse for feeling good that he gives you special attention in a way he does not give his wife? I think, if I was in your situation, I would drive some sort of satisfaction from being so special and close to my ex, in a way his wife was not. Maybe I'd call us soul mates, to make it seem more romantic, and less raw and questionable that it really is.

 

I don't know if thats what you're feeling, but if it is, I think you may want to step away from this situation. Surviving off that small pleasantry isn't worth it, because at the end of the day, you ex is married and in love with his wife. From the sounds of it, he MAY have feelings towards you romantically, but would he leave his wife? It does not sound like he would. And even if he did, would you be ready for all that emotional turmoil he would have with his wife, the messy divorce and what not?

 

I may be over presumptuous here, but it sounds to me like what you and him have going on his definately not healthy. It sounds like he is possibly using you (without realizing), because he has problems in his marriage (possibly boredom), and rather than rectifying them, he is looking elsewhere to make himself feel good.

 

I think his marriage is more like a business relationship because they seem very distant and he's often alone, or doing things with his kids (they're all in their late teens - 2 are in college). But I don't really know that for sure and I stopped trying to figure that part out a long time ago. That's why I got out of it because I didn't like what we were doing and because I don't like being put in a position where I have to play guessing games. It's a total turn-off for me.

 

But what I do know for a fact is that he has no respect for his marriage or his wife. Or apparently for me, either, since he has chosen to act this way. I don't concern myself with his divorce because I don't believe it will happen. And even if it did, I don't think he'd want to be with me. I used to believe that but I don't anymore. He has no intention of changing his life. And since I don't want to play this game when he decides to amp it up, then I'm sure he'll just find someone else. And if he did leave his marriage and did want to be with me - after I picked myself up off the floor from the shock of it - I wouldn't be too quick to jump in because I would want to wait to see what he would do (like end up going back - again), and to get to know him to see if I really wanted to be with him. Because I really don't know at this point, and I don't know if I'd trust him.

 

He hasn't spoken to me at all today and I'm fine with that. I don't even feel like explaining it to him. The only thing I feel inclined to do is to tell him that he was right - that if I'm just a friend, then he shouldn't lead me one and say the things he says.

 

I'm just tired of it and want to be left alone.

[Angel1111]

Well, I sent him a text message telling him that I agreed with what he said the night before - that if he doesn't mean the things he says, then he shouldn't say them. I told him that I walked away from this relationship because he chose his marriage but he keeps trying to pull me back in and keep me on the edges of his life. I also said that if he loves his wife, then he needs to make his marriage work, and if he doesn't, he needs to leave and find someone who makes him feel loved. I told him that I'm happy to be his friend but asked him not to confuse me anymore. He texted back and said that he totally understood where I was coming from and respected my decision. He said that no matter what, I'll always be a treasured friend.

 

When I got into the office, I saw that he had left me a message (before I had sent my text message), letting me know about his morning. It was a cute message, as always. When I called him back, he told me that he was so sorry to have hurt me and that he would stop acting the way he was because I don't deserve to be hurt. We talked for a long time - talking about several other things after our serious discussion. He told me to keep him in line if he steps out of it again.

 

Apparently, he does have respect for me and I could tell that he was really sincere in his apology. He said he would watch what he says to me but he just tends to speak his mind with me. And I told him that's the part that confuses me - why does he think that way when it doesn't mean anything. I never really understood his answer but I don't believe that he has deep feelings for me, and since that's the case, I'm happy to leave this as a friendship. I won't take him seriously again and I told him that. I said, "If you ride up on a white horse with 10 dozen roses and diamonds all over the place, I'd still wonder what motivated you." He laughed about that but said seriously that I shouldn't doubt other people and to just not listen to anything he says.

 

So that's it - we stay friends. I'm happy with that. I feel a little sad but I'll be fine.

[UnamedSeven]

Well, I sent him a text message telling him that I agreed with what he said the night before - that if he doesn't mean the things he says, then he shouldn't say them. I told him that I walked away from this relationship because he chose his marriage but he keeps trying to pull me back in and keep me on the edges of his life. I also said that if he loves his wife, then he needs to make his marriage work, and if he doesn't, he needs to leave and find someone who makes him feel loved. I told him that I'm happy to be his friend but asked him not to confuse me anymore. He texted back and said that he totally understood where I was coming from and respected my decision. He said that no matter what, I'll always be a treasured friend.

 

When I got into the office, I saw that he had left me a message (before I had sent my text message), letting me know about his morning. It was a cute message, as always. When I called him back, he told me that he was so sorry to have hurt me and that he would stop acting the way he was because I don't deserve to be hurt. We talked for a long time - talking about several other things after our serious discussion. He told me to keep him in line if he steps out of it again.

 

Apparently, he does have respect for me and I could tell that he was really sincere in his apology. He said he would watch what he says to me but he just tends to speak his mind with me. And I told him that's the part that confuses me - why does he think that way when it doesn't mean anything. I never really understood his answer but I don't believe that he has deep feelings for me, and since that's the case, I'm happy to leave this as a friendship. I won't take him seriously again and I told him that. I said, "If you ride up on a white horse with 10 dozen roses and diamonds all over the place, I'd still wonder what motivated you." He laughed about that but said seriously that I shouldn't doubt other people and to just not listen to anything he says.

 

So that's it - we stay friends. I'm happy with that. I feel a little sad but I'll be fine.

 

Hi.

I never actually had the time to thank you for the help you gave. Sadly, i had ended what never even started.

 

Anyway, i hope everything is good between you and him. I could probably never handle something like that without just a little help . Again, good luck to anything else that may arouse in the nearby future.

[Angel1111]

Hi.

I never actually had the time to thank you for the help you gave. Sadly, i had ended what never even started.

 

Anyway, i hope everything is good between you and him. I could probably never handle something like that without just a little help . Again, good luck to anything else that may arouse in the nearby future.

 

I'm glad I helped you, in whatever way I did. It makes me feel good to hear that from people. It's taken me a long time to get to this point with this guy but we really do have this thing about our friendship and hang on to that with tenacity. But we have been back and forth over the past 4+ yrs so I had to find a place where i could live with the whole thing, or walk away from him altogether - something I am not willing to do. If that was what he wanted, I would do it, but he doesn't. In many ways, I value his friendship above everything else so, to me, I haven't lost. I can dream about what I think it would be like if he and I were together, but I don't really know for sure. I have to believe that Life has given this to me in this way because it's the best thing for me.

[UnamedSeven]

I'm glad I helped you, in whatever way I did. It makes me feel good to hear that from people. It's taken me a long time to get to this point with this guy but we really do have this thing about our friendship and hang on to that with tenacity. But we have been back and forth over the past 4+ yrs so I had to find a place where i could live with the whole thing, or walk away from him altogether - something I am not willing to do. If that was what he wanted, I would do it, but he doesn't. In many ways, I value his friendship above everything else so, to me, I haven't lost. I can dream about what I think it would be like if he and I were together, but I don't really know for sure. I have to believe that Life has given this to me in this way because it's the best thing for me.

 

I'm glad that you think like this. Especially when things get rough, people like me, have no idea what to do. Its a good thing that you have been there for all of us. It gives you a good feeling in your heart to really know that someone out there, is hearing what you are saying.

[Angel1111]

I'm glad that you think like this. Especially when things get rough, people like me, have no idea what to do. Its a good thing that you have been there for all of us. It gives you a good feeling in your heart to really know that someone out there, is hearing what you are saying.

 

Aw, Unnamed, you are such a sweetheart. I'll be here for you whenever you need me.

[Lishy]

Angel, wake up and smell the coffee!!!!!! This dude is using you to make his life a bit more exciting when he is bored and YOU are letting him!

 

He picks you up and drops you like a hot potato and he is comfortable in the fact that you are there when you are needed as an ego boost for him. If this is your soul mate then I hope to god I never meet mine!

 

You are a lovely and kind person and you do not deserve this AT ALL!!

 

Tell him to lose your number, you need a guy like this like you need a hole in your head!!

[Lishy]

I'm glad I helped you, in whatever way I did. It makes me feel good to hear that from people. It's taken me a long time to get to this point with this guy but we really do have this thing about our friendship and hang on to that with tenacity. But we have been back and forth over the past 4+ yrs so I had to find a place where i could live with the whole thing, or walk away from him altogether - something I am not willing to do. If that was what he wanted, I would do it, but he doesn't. In many ways, I value his friendship above everything else so, to me, I haven't lost. I can dream about what I think it would be like if he and I were together, but I don't really know for sure. I have to believe that Life has given this to me in this way because it's the best thing for me.

 

When I read the above statement all I read is DOORMOUSE! Grow a backbone and do what is right for YOU!!

 

He is NOT a friend, he is toxic to you and I paray you wake up and see this - He leads you on, gives you false hope and then squashes it with the "we are friends" line Men like this are the pits, I feel sorry for his wife!

 

And NO, life has not dealt you this hand, you have dealt it all for yourself.

 

I am sorry if you think I being mean, I do not intend to hurt you it just REALLY saddens me to read this!

 

When you do eventually meet your soul mate you will know what this man really is. Don't be a martyr Angel, stand up and be counted - You really do not deserve this!

[ninjaturtles]

Hi Angel,

 

In a bit of a rush now. I read your post but did not read the replies. (Would do so when I have some spare time).

 

How are you today? I hope you are feeling better?

 

Regarding your EX, I have two things to say.

 

A) You don't want to be with a man who has a wife, but yet makes passes at you. Let's assume he even left his wife for you...How would you trust that sort of man? How would you feel knowing that he left his wife for you, what does that say of his character? Wouldn't be be paranoid that he could do the same to you? (I..e leave you for another woman?)

 

I can imagine how you feel, however I have heard of so men who shattered the hearts of their wives by leaving them for their girfriends.

 

Count yourself lucky that he did not leave his wife. This is because truly I tell you, there would have been a lot of hurt involved. Your happiness would have been built on someone's sorrow.

 

B) In summary, you want a man who would not cheat on you. If this man is with his wife and still seeing you, that says something about his character. This is not the type of man or mess you would want to associate yourself with.

 

He is simply using you as the extra couch and pillow. We hear about these things a lot of times, (i.e married men having girlfriends.) A lot of the times, the men never end up leaving thier wives. Other times, even if they do leave their wives, a lot of pain is inflicted on the wife.

 

Sweetie, I know it is hard and painful, but God will not give you another woman's husband. They are still married and the fact that he is breaking marital vows means that he is NOT the type of man that would give you true happiness in the long term. Flee from this scene. I suggest you cut him off completely.

 

He is taking advantge of your beautiful self.

 

Keep posting on here.

 

xxx

[Angel1111]

When I read the above statement all I read is DOORMOUSE! Grow a backbone and do what is right for YOU!!

 

Lishy, I appreciate your frankness and I can definitely see how you would see it that way - and you may be right. I didn't explain the part where when I first told him that he shouldn't say things to me he doesn't mean, his first reply was pretty cold. He texted back and said, "Ok, Angel. Take care." This really pissed me off and I told him that was a very cold remark and that it wasn't possible for us to be friends if I couldn't be honest with him. That totally changed his tone. He said he was in a meeting - and I know that he was - but I believe that he meant for his response to be cold.

 

Even though I was calm when talking to him, he knew I wasn't happy with him and he said that. I'm pretty pissed about the 'friends' comment, too, and told him that it was basically an insult. It seemed the more he talked, the deeper he dug the hole. Regardless, I can't say that he is completely to blame. As you say, I let this happen and I take partial responsibility for it because I played along. But none of it really matters now. I put a stop to what he was doing and that was my goal. I do think of him as a friend, though, and always will.

[Lishy]

Angel if you can see him as a friend then you are a better person than I. You know you are in denial here dont you? You dont want him as a friend, you LOVE this guy and he cannot give you what you need so you accept the crumbs he is offering you and you will take what he offers out of fear of losing the man you love.

 

Honey you are such a warm and loving person and you deserve so much more

 

Please open your eyes and stop making excuses for him

[dannydrifter]

This guy is married and he is able to find a relationship on the side with a woman who apparently has/had serious feelings for him. I'm single and I can't even find a woman! Some guys have all the luck I guess. Wish some of those ladies would give the single guys more of a chance!

[Angel1111]

Angel if you can see him as a friend then you are a better person than I. You know you are in denial here dont you? You dont want him as a friend, you LOVE this guy and he cannot give you what you need so you accept the crumbs he is offering you and you will take what he offers out of fear of losing the man you love.

 

Honey you are such a warm and loving person and you deserve so much more

 

Please open your eyes and stop making excuses for him

 

Not sure about the denial thing. I just know that good people sometimes do crappy things. He's remembering the wonderful, passionate sex we had and wants it back. Well, so do I. And that's the struggle. It was great between us and it's hard to walk away from. From that perspective, yes, maybe I do make excuses for him - and I'd kind of be insulted if he never wanted me back. It's an ego thing, I'm sure. We're both guilty of having big egos and we both know it.

 

I did play this game with him and I can't totally blame him if he interpreted that to mean that it was ok to proceed as he did. That's pretty much the message I sent, even if I did break up with him. As long as he acts respectful toward me from here on out, I'm fine. Also, he's a powerful man and not someone I want to make an enemy of. Not that I fear him, it just wouldn't be in my better judgement to do that. But, really, if he were a truly bad guy, I wouldn't care how powerful he was. Which is what he likes about me because I'm pretty blunt with him and don't try to impress him.

 

When I told my sister about my conversations with him these past couple of days, she said she was glad I told him what I did and that, even though he's a good man, she didn't like the fact that he kept chasing me and didn't leave him marriage. She knows him fairly well and she's right, he is a good man. He's just dear to my heart. It really is that simple.

 

Honestly, it's a turn-off that he doesn't feel more for me and it's not my nature to pine over someone who doesn't love me. I've gone through all the stuff with getting over him already and I'm not willing to go back there again. But, does it draw me back in that direction each time he does this? Yes, and that's what the sadness was about. It's also why I stopped it because I could tell it wasn't going anywhere [again] and that it's a dangerous game for me. As long as we have this understanding between us, things will be fine.

[Angel1111]

Hi Angel,

 

In a bit of a rush now. I read your post but did not read the replies. (Would do so when I have some spare time).

 

The things you say are most likely true and I have definitely considered all of those things. I really do not want for anyone to be hurt, and don't want all the baggage that would come with it - so I think this is really all for the best.

[Angel1111]

This guy is married and he is able to find a relationship on the side with a woman who apparently has/had serious feelings for him. I'm single and I can't even find a woman! Some guys have all the luck I guess. Wish some of those ladies would give the single guys more of a chance!

 

I feel the same way about single guys - can't seem to be able to find any. What's up with that?

[Lishy]

I am glad you sorted it out Angel x

[Angel1111]

I am glad you sorted it out Angel x

 

I don't know how much I have it worked out, Lishy. I'm just through with the games and tired of letting him make me nuts.

[Lishy]

You know what you are doing Angel and I think you are happy with how it is.

 

The most important thing is that we are happy with our choices, it does not matter what anyone else thinks as long as our choices are suited to ourselves.

 

If you know what I mean lol