lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 The at-home dad gig was great! Even the cheating I think I could have lived with, after a fashion. But the loss of interest in me "as a man" was emasculating. Perhaps because she saw me differently? As less of a man? And then there was the lying - through years of talks, counseling... Yes, we are going our separate ways. And yes, I will probably do better in the breakup than had I not been the primary caregiver. Small consolation. On the other hand, I am now discovering that more than a few women find me attractive, even sexy! It is a wonderful change. They just know you can do laundry. I kid...sorta. Sorry about your situation. I think a man who is willing to make sacrifices for his family is uber sexy. Wish I had me one of those, and I wish you someone who appreciates your efforts, good man.
Trialbyfire Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I suspect that you only question this because you don't have any children. I think until you do it's best to reserve judgement and assumptions until you find yourself handing your 1 month old off to a stranger. You have no idea how that can tear a parent up when they have absolutely no choice in the matter. So I question what type a parent someone is/would be if they are so blaise about doing so when they have a choice. Besides which, I thought we were defending SAHD and have no idea where that falls into 'traditionalism'. I won't ever have to worry about handing a one month old off to a stranger since I plan to work from home, if married, with domestic help. If not married, I have two choices. One where my parents want to take the child during the day, the second where I'll hire domestic help and still work from home. Perhaps you would see the second option as handing the child over to strangers but I don't, since I'll still be home. For that matter, maybe I might not work at all and have a child, married or single. That I do have many options is something I'm very glad of. Without these options, I wouldn't have children. There's no way I would rely financially on anyone and for that matter, wouldn't want a husband who wants to rely on me financially.
Lishy Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I could not respect a a man who did not work and I would not hand my child to a stranger, no matter how many qualifications she had! I stayed at home with my son until he started full time school and I then worked around his school hours. I still do that now and he is so confident and loving and kind. I know I do a good job with him. No one could do better by him then me! When my ex and I swapped roles it was the end for us. He could not do what I did at home and he was not working - YUK! Nothing more off putting! That is my personal opinion anyway!
angie2443 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I will never understand why so many people look down on women and men who stay at home and take care of their kids. It is hard, often thankless, work. You will often not see the results of your work untill your children are grow. Many people don't have a choice either way. They either have to stay at home for the kids for financial reasons or go to work for financial reasons, depending on the situation. Regardless, those who do stay at home should be respected for their work. The majority of them are not sitting on their @$$ all day eating chips and bon bons. For that matter, many who go to work do little except sit on their @$$ and goof off.
angie2443 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 I won't ever have to worry about handing a one month old off to a stranger since I plan to work from home, if married, with domestic help. If not married, I have two choices. One where my parents want to take the child during the day, the second where I'll hire domestic help and still work from home. Perhaps you would see the second option as handing the child over to strangers but I don't, since I'll still be home. For that matter, maybe I might not work at all and have a child, married or single. That I do have many options is something I'm very glad of. Without these options, I wouldn't have children. There's no way I would rely financially on anyone and for that matter, wouldn't want a husband who wants to rely on me financially. You are very lucky, then. Many women would gladly go back to work if their trusted parents could watch their children while they went. In the mean time, if all women put off having children untill they had the ideal situation for their children to be taken care of, few women would ever be able to have children. It's just not that simple.
carhill Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Just because YOUR ex didn't "get" how to properly take care of a home doesn't mean ALL men won't. Yeah, those of us who've been doing it our entire adult lives can just sit back and quietly chuckle.
carhill Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Yep, that sounds like my mom. Maybe I picked it up from her. She was still diving under the hood of her car right up to when she had her stroke at 80. Nothing was safe Seriously, it never occurred to me which jobs were "female" and which were "male". It was (and is) just work which needs to be done. I've got two hands, two feet and a brain. I'm good to go
KismetGirl Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Strangely, despite my generally independant, forward thinking, liberal views, a house hunband would seem a bit odd. But that's just because I don't think anyone should have to stay home all day if they want to work. I mean, im going to be a physician, and theres a good chance I will be making far more money than who ever i end up marrying, but I would still want him to work , too. I think working, especialyl for a man, gives them a sense of indepenadance and identity. men want to feel like they are taking care of their families, being the breawinners, what have you. Nothing against SAHM's, its an important thing to want to stay home with your kids, maybe for a couple years even, but to be SAHM forever, even after they start school? I dunno, i wouldn't want to do it. Im not spenind years and years in school , college, medical school, working my ass off just so I can sit home all day. I might take a year off or go down to part-time work for a little bit after each birth, but not for long. I expect equal input, in both work AND raising children, from myself and my future husband. It's not more my job nor more his job to raise the kids or to bring home the bacon.
Trialbyfire Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 You are very lucky, then. Many women would gladly go back to work if their trusted parents could watch their children while they went. In the mean time, if all women put off having children untill they had the ideal situation for their children to be taken care of, few women would ever be able to have children. It's just not that simple. I had the opportunity to have children sooner. Thank goodness I didn't do it! What a nightmare that would have been with the subsequent cheating and divorce. It is that simple. Women have choices now. We CAN create our own opportunities without needing support. It's how you choose to shape your life previous to committing yourself to a lifelong responsibility, albeit wonderful responsibility.
electric_sheep Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Hey guys, are any of you a "house husband"? If not, would you ever agree to being one? Perhaps working part-time, but predominantly being in charge of taking care of the homefront and the children while your wife works and brings home the bacon? What are your thoughts on this? Being a house husband has always been a fantasy of mine. I love gardening and putzing around the house, hanging out with kids, reading and drinking tea, and I don't even mind cleaning (I get a strange sense of satisfaction from it). To extend the analogy even further, I also enjoy working out and taking care of myself (looking pretty, if you will). I'm pretty self-reliant and don't have extensive social needs either. I've always been able to entertain myself. In fact, I do so quite easily. In short, I'd make the perfect house husband! I realize, of course, that this is just a pipe dream. 90% of women (and men) still look down on any man whom's ambitions don't go beyond this.
electric_sheep Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 And with complete confidence and security in your manhood as well, I'm sure. One time, while my guy was in vacuuming and rearranging the living room, I was outside under the hood of my car taking off the alternator belt. However, he can remodel a house while I cannot, but the other day I had to show him how to prime the oil furnace. Big deal. He's all man - trust me. Gender roles are stifling, for both women and men.
electric_sheep Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 It wasn't bad, until... She started spending a lot of time at the gym - dressing nicer, fancier lingerie, using makeup - then traveling for work - talking about her coworker who was often with her - losing interest in sex with me - getting a diaphragm before a trip - taking "business trips" to exotic places, and making sure I never saw her itineraries or expense reports. Being at home for all that - I think defines emasculation! This doesn't have anything to do with masculine/feminine. It has everything to do with trust and jealousy. You don't think more than a few stay at home women have wondered what their traveling husbands are doing?
Kenyth Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 Many men AND women find the thought of a stay at home man appalling. Gender roles in culture are a powerful thing. If you study Sociology and/or psychology, you'll know that men and women are both capable of the roles we define as traditionally male and female in North America. There is one culture in particular where the roles are completely reversed! I already see a lot of relationships where the wife makes more than the husband, including mine. I say, if it works for you, go for it. Fathers can be very loving and caring to their children, and women can be very successful in their careers. Don't minimize the value of high quality day care. Studies show that it has a very positive effect on children's educational and social development. Low quality day care can have the exact opposite effect though, so don't look for the lowest price on this particular service.
Kenyth Posted October 14, 2008 Posted October 14, 2008 This doesn't have anything to do with masculine/feminine. It has everything to do with trust and jealousy. You don't think more than a few stay at home women have wondered what their traveling husbands are doing? Whether you stayed at home or not, the cheating would have occurred. A lot of people get married to have a stay at home caretaker while they continue their adolesence. Too bad they never spell that #@$% out in the contract beforehand. I've always thought that making marriage an actual contract, with explicit clauses for behavior expectations and responsibilities would be a great idea. That way, when someone acts the fool, you can sue the #$%# out of them for breach of contract.
BenDC Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 I don't agree with stay at home husbands. I agree that they become emasculated over time. Especially while these economic times are amongst us, husbands need to be working and providing.
cutegirl Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 Hey guys, are any of you a "house husband"? If not, would you ever agree to being one? Perhaps working part-time, but predominantly being in charge of taking care of the homefront and the children while your wife works and brings home the bacon? What are your thoughts on this? As for the ladies, would you be open to this arrangement? Why, or why not? I would be open to the idea... I work at home anyways, self employed... I don't find it emasculating towards a man at all, it depends on his disposition and character, I think some men would make very great house husbands! It wouldn't make me think any less of a man. I'm for equality, I think everything should be 50/50 EXACTLY. I have been with a man who did not have a job and made NO money PLUS didn't do anything around the house, so I think a house husband would be a step up actually. It's not an easy job to take care of a house. Personally I find the idea of me being a housewife appalling though, I would NEVER be one. I do not want to have kids ever and even if I did have kids I would NEVER be a stay at home mom. I am way to selfish and ambitious for that.
james4111 Posted October 15, 2008 Posted October 15, 2008 I'd have no problem with it at all, especialy if I had a kid. I love to be the one to see them off in the morning and be there when they got home. Sure, cleaning sucks but its gotta get done. My only problem that i forsee would be getting bord lol.
mental_traveller Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Hey guys, are any of you a "house husband"? If not, would you ever agree to being one? Perhaps working part-time, but predominantly being in charge of taking care of the homefront and the children while your wife works and brings home the bacon? What are your thoughts on this? Absolutely not. I hate housework and everything domestic, am rubbish at it, and have no interest in having kids. I love working and would never give that up. Lastly, I'd want to be in full financial control of my destiny, not living at the whim of someone else.
porter218 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Hey guys, are any of you a "house husband"? If not, would you ever agree to being one? Perhaps working part-time, but predominantly being in charge of taking care of the homefront and the children while your wife works and brings home the bacon? What are your thoughts on this? As for the ladies, would you be open to this arrangement? Why, or why not? I have been toying with this idea recently. As much as I would love to be the one to stay home, I know that my H does not have the ability to bring in as much money as I do. Recently after the birth of my daughter my H took a lot of time off work to spend with the family...but i was back at work one week after her birth. This has actually allowed for us to have more time together because I don't have to waste time picking up the kids after work and some of the housework is already done so I can just come in and enjoy my family. When he is working I don't see him until 10pm and 2 hrs later I have to go to bed and I leave first thing in the morning. He is now working 3 days a week but still spending more time at home and I think I may offer for him to be a 'house husband' for a while so we can have more time together. I think people should do whatever it takes to spend the most amount of time together as a family.
milvushina Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I would love to have a house husband. A house that someone can devote time to cleaning on a week day and something freshly cooked for dinner and all that. My husband would be a great stay at home dad because he is very nurturing and jumped right in there with the changing, bathing and feeding of our son as soon as we brought him home. I can't say I see anything wrong with it in principle... If the wife is the most career minded, let her be the one that does the working and everyone will be happier. I think my husband would enjoy it, but it might drive him crazy. Right now, I have a more demanding job and make more money, but his job is much more flexible and allows him to be the one who can stay home if the baby is sick, or errands need to be done. We both pull our own weight in and out of the home and that is just the way things are these days. We could never afford for one of us to quit permanently, as awesome as it would be.
Walk Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 My H is more of a house hubby. I really dislike the meaning some people give it though. In our relationship my H does a lot of the house hold duties because he knows I really dislike doing them. For example: I hate shopping so my H will go the majority of the time. It's something he does for me to make my life easier. Plus, he's more disciplined than I am. I'll leave the dishes in the sink until I don't have another clean one left. Then I'll have a gargantun stack to do at the end of the week. But my H will do them after every meal. He has the self-discipline to take the initiative and get the things done. I procrastinate, he takes action. So, why is it okay for woman to do things to make a guys life easier, but a guy does it and he's a pansy ass who can't be respected? Are we still basing men's value on the size of their stock portfolio's? Gosh, I'm so out of touch... I thought we were on the penis size. I finally bagged a guy who had the largest and NOW you tell me I was supposed to be looking for the largest wallet. Aahhhhh!
fral945 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 So, why is it okay for woman to do things to make a guys life easier, but a guy does it and he's a pansy ass who can't be respected? Women want to keep the good parts of the old ways. Many women nowadays say they want an equal relationship, but in reality they don't. Actually, it's funny how some of these women don't want to be treated like the weak little woman anymore, want to make their own money, have independence, and claim to want an egalitarian relationship, which is fine. The irony is to hear those same women complain that men don't open doors anymore for ladies, or talk about how they would look down upon a man that doesn't have a job but takes care of the house and kids. Can you say hypocritical? An equal partnership would mean then the men can do what the female has traditionally done and vice versa. If you expect men to open doors and would look down upon a house husband, then you don't desire an egalitarian relationship.
ipetree Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Women are not wired to want to work and take care of a man financially. Even the few that can, are seeking someone higher up the ladder. Most women have a hard time making it themselves at all, if you take away child support, alimony, help from parents, help from friends, men they date,etc. I am surprised at how many educated women I meet that feel simply disenfranchised by the entire working and paying for bills thing. Unfortunately time has passed them by, and they are now too old to find a man to willingly support them. Very few women are the go getters, and typically men do not want to date them anyway.
Walk Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Women are not wired to want to work and take care of a man financially. I'm not disagreeing with you, but I don't really think men are wired to want to bust ass for 25 years to support the little wife while she stays at home either. I think guy's grow up thinking that's what's expected so they take it on the chin. Whereas it's not expected of women to do it, so when we're put in a situation where we ARE the only source of income and the man's at home.. we get resentful and start questioning why the hell we're doing it. I think the rest of what you said was out dated sterotyping, so I'm not responding to it.
ipetree Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I think the rest of what you said was out dated sterotyping, so I'm not responding to it. Well I am living in the current times. I have known and met a WIDE range of people, men and women, and can tell you that many women are far from "self sufficient", and happy worker bees. I have known COUNTLESS women that receive rather large child support payments. Enough to live on with a part time job. I have known women who slept with the boss/CEO so they retained a high paying job doing nothing. I have known women who are stay at home mothers. There are millions. I have known daddies princesses, who seem to be self sufficient, but still receive almost everything they have from Daddy. I have known women who live with older male friends bill free, just to give the man company. I have known women who expect men they date to pay their bills.(Not that uncommon). I have known women whom are straight up prostitutes. From the outside nobody knows. Many women get money in a divorce, then within months find another man to take care of them. I know a woman who gets half of her income through child support, and the other half through a fake disability that allows her to get benefits. What is my point? I have met VERY VERY FEW women who have some hard work ethic, struggle, receive little or nothing from men or family, and make it on their own. I have actually NEVER seen this happen. Regardless of what you hear on message boards or see in movies. So to even inquire about women ALSO supporting men and a family is almost ludicrous. They rarely support themselves, even in this age of feminism.
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