so gutted Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I met a date (online) and we agreed to meet. He mentioned that he was going away for 5 weeks. We met before he went away because i didnt really want to prolong it. The meeting was ok, just a drink. We chatted for 3 hours. He mentioned he wanted something meaningful and was taalking about settling down etc. I was starving but all i got was 1 drink. I then wanted to leave as i had work the next day. He wouldnt let me go which annoyed me He called the next day and wanted to meet. Kept saying he wanted to pop over. This annnoyed me I said - no i can come to your ( just to test him) he didnt seem keen on that idea. I think he still lives with mummy. i dont want him to think he can pop over - what a liberty. Also i am not sure if he actually has a job because when he was calling he was out shopping and said that he worked for 3 hours and left early???what each day? Now he is texting me from oz.I dont want a texting relationship for 5 weeks. I dont feel that strongly about him but feel awful coz i might spoil his holiday (he keeps talking about things we can do when he is back). He seems like the non playa type BUT THAT ISNT ENOUGH. Do i text him and tell him im not interested while he is on holiday or just leave it and ignore his texts.
Geishawhelk Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 IWe chatted for 3 hours. He mentioned he wanted something meaningful and was taalking about settling down etc. I was starving but all i got was 1 drink. I then wanted to leave as i had work the next day. He wouldnt let me go which annoyed me If you chatted for three hours, couldn't you have found a moment to say - "Geesh, I'm starved, let's grab a bite to eat!" he wouldn't let you go, which annoyed you. Unless he had you tied to the chair, I don't understand..... He called the next day and wanted to meet. Kept saying he wanted to pop over. This annnoyed me You get annoyed easily, don't you? Why? I said - no i can come to your ( just to test him) he didnt seem keen on that idea. I think he still lives with mummy. i dont want him to think he can pop over - what a liberty. Ok. Something is obviously not working. You already have zero respect for the guy (so what if he lives with his mother? Might be confined to a wheelchair and in need of support. That could be, huh?) and to think he can pop over? How audqacous! Why not, exactly....? Also i am not sure if he actually has a job because when he was calling he was out shopping and said that he worked for 3 hours and left early???what each day? In 3 hours you never got to ask...? I dont feel that strongly about him but feel awful coz i might spoil his holiday (he keeps talking about things we can do when he is back). He seems like the non playa type BUT THAT ISNT ENOUGH. You don't say.....! Do i text him and tell him im not interested while he is on holiday or just leave it and ignore his texts. have the decency to text him once and say it was nice, but not what you're looking for and have a great time! Then give the guy a break and go find someone who comes up to your expectations a little more.....
Author so gutted Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Im being honest here. The shopping/no working thing arose after the first date. I dont want him thinking he can pop over because he hasnt asked, he has assumed and its too early for him to pop over! who does he think he is ? one meeting and he wants to come over?Boundries? Living with mum is fine but he told me he lived alone....but clearly he doesnt because he has slipped up. why lie? I just dont fancy him enough and i do not wnat to go after him because he is after something meaningful and is texting from holiday. I feel bad because he is "nice" but i do not want to do what i always so TRY AND MAKE DO.
Jilly Bean Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 SG, this reads pretty much like the last guy. One date, you're already in distress, you already don't trust him, he's already trying to get physical, your boundaries are already crossed, youre already pissed at him, youre already mistrustful, hes already giving you the lines, hes already annoyed you, hes already being questioned... It really is EXACTLY like all the other dating stories you post. I think until you really examine your role in these dynamics, you are going to continue to repeat the same dating pattern over and over again. Later, rinse, repeat.
Geishawhelk Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 So - do the right thing, text him and tell him you are pretty sure it won't work. Thanks but no thanks. Why give the guy hopes for 5 weeks? And what makes you think he lied? Do you know for sure he lives with his mother? Maybe he just shares with other people and doesn't want to take you there..... Forget it.....Don't worry, really, I don't need to know. It's not important. you're already set in your mind that this is a non-starter. Just tell HIM that.
Author so gutted Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 No he did not get physical. He just went too fast too soon - talkinga bout settling down, babies etc. My issue is that he is a good match and i thought i wanted to settle but i do not fancy him enough. Is this grounds enough to walk away?
Author so gutted Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Is it not nasty to tell him that while he is on holiday? if i fancied him i would wait 5 weeks, but the attraction isnt there. He is not ugly or offensive looking but the thought of kissing him makes me cringe. on that basis alone its a no goer. i know its not nice but i think its easier to vanish?
Geishawhelk Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 ....i do not fancy him enough. Is this grounds enough to walk away? You need telling.....? YES!!!
Geishawhelk Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 i know its not nice but i think its easier to vanish? Until he comes back..... Then it all starts all over again. Don't prolong the agony. Be honest, upfront and just tell him! Why is it so hard? Wouldn't you prefer to know immediately, rather than find out 5 weeks later, when all you'd been doing all holiday was waiting to get back and pick up where you left off??
Shygirl15 Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 You need to do a better job screening these people before you go out on dates with them. Because it's now beginning to appear like you're the one with issues, or also have issues as well as them.
Replicant Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 No he did not get physical. He just went too fast too soon - talkinga bout settling down, babies etc. My issue is that he is a good match and i thought i wanted to settle but i do not fancy him enough. Is this grounds enough to walk away? Settling down and babies isn't even on my conversational radar anywhere during initial dating, where as it is a practical question once you are serious to see where you both stand on such naturally. On a first date this i would see as desperation and somewhat foreboding. Where for some women this may be exactly what they want to hear. Now if this bothers you, you have every reason to walk away no questions asked. It was only a meeting over a drink, through online communication. I think life is showing you the male version of yourself...Mr.Invest too heavy from the start and then having a big meltdown after a few weeks of it not ending up as expected. Learn from this Everything you have been writing here (in this thread) i think you need to verbalize, not text and be done with it. It leaves no gray area for mistaken communication or taking a cowardly approach to making your thoughts clear.
DaisyBelle Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 SG, With all due respect: once again (as with your other LS postings), there is no drama here, you are creating problems where there aren't any. You went on a date. You didn't like him. Just tell him. You don't need to get overly dramatic with an explanation, just a simple "I appreciate the invitation, but no thank you. I wish you the best." End. Stop. This is not a big deal. This happens all the time in life. I don't mean to belittle your feelings, but you really have a self-torturing tendency to attach all sorts of meaning and drama to insignificant dating situations and that's sure to cause you unneeded pain. Seriously, again, I really urge you to get some help. As others have pointed out, the common denominator in all of your stories is your quick overinvolvement with men that you fundamentally don't even like. This will recur until you address it.
flc Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 3hrs is a long chat and if I was him I would take that as a very positive signal that you had interest. From everything else you said it sounds like you don't have interest so do the right thing and let him know.
Author so gutted Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Settling down and babies isn't even on my conversational radar anywhere during initial dating, where as it is a practical question once you are serious to see where you both stand on such naturally. On a first date this i would see as desperation and somewhat foreboding. Where for some women this may be exactly what they want to hear. Now if this bothers you, you have every reason to walk away no questions asked. It was only a meeting over a drink, through online communication. I think life is showing you the male version of yourself...Mr.Invest too heavy from the start and then having a big meltdown after a few weeks of it not ending up as expected. Learn from this . Yes - this is the male version of me and its scary. I have reviewed my behaviour and i have noticed that when a man does want to progress with me I react with anger, make excuses as to why i dont like him and then vanish. If i like i guy then i usually think that getting physical with him will make him stay or want to see me again and it all goes horribly wrong. I cant seem to find a balance.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Yes - this is the male version of me and its scary. I have reviewed my behaviour and i have noticed that when a man does want to progress with me I react with anger, make excuses as to why i dont like him and then vanish. If i like i guy then i usually think that getting physical with him will make him stay or want to see me again and it all goes horribly wrong. I cant seem to find a balance. SoGutted, you seem to have a little self esteem problem. Yes men are more attracted to the physicality of things, but if you want a lasting relationship sometimes you need see pass your body and focus more on your intellectual identity. And not settling is always a good thing. If you don't like a guy tell him you're not interested.
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