I need a wake up call

[Laurenwho]

I need a wake up call. To be told the truth about whether or not this will ever work out. in my heart I don't think it will but it hurts so much to let go

 

I've been with my guy almost 6 years. We moved in together after a year of dating. he bought this house for US. I wanted to get engaged after dating two years. He always had an excuse even though we lived like we were married (shared bills and household chores). Finally I "wore him down" about a year ago and he asked me but it wasn't a happy proposal. It was him throwing a ring at me and saying "here's what you wanted!" I was so upset and told him if he wanted me to take him seriously he had to redo the proposal. He did several weeks later. We made no wedding plans though. I think he just did it to shut me up.

 

 

THis guy is a great guy on paper- he's responsible, doesn't do drugs, doesn't get into trouble. Doesn't abuse me, my family likes him, we have some of the same interests etc. We've had our ups and downs and our main fight is that he doesn't spend enough time with me. I see him one day a week and maybe an hour a day(tops) the rest of the week. He works two jobs (but doesn't need to, the one job is more of a hobby that he loves).

 

It never used to be like this when we started dating. But each year, he gets home later and later from work. He chooses to help his dad finish working (dad works the hobby job with him) and puts me last in everything. He will make excuses and say i expect too much and that he'd be happier if I cooked more or did more housework and never argued with him. But honestly it doesn't matter what I do, I've tried it all. Nothing changes. I think I am a good partner to him. I am not perfect but he has someone who is smart and attractive and caring and who is a good provider as well (have a good full time job) and who always tries to do nice things for him. I do have a temper and when I am hurt I lash out. I will get upset and argue with him at times. We broke up (my idea) not that long ago and got back together. I thought it was a new beginning adn things would be better (was a short break up and I didn't even move all my stuff out- just left for awhile) He has been promising me he will make more time for me (he told me this over a year ago!) and has never followed thru.

 

I asked him for one more evening a week (he would have to either quit his hobby that he does one day a week) or he would have to take an evening a week off from his 2nd job (low paying one he does for fun. If he was like this (never spending time with me) when we'd started dating I would have NEVER continued dating him. I am a fun loving person who likes to go on vacations and likes to do things with my partner. Us not spending time together has a negative effect on our relationship- I feel disconnected from him, I don't want to have sex with him, I slack off on the chores around the house etc. I dont' feel like giving it my all when I'm the one doing all the work. He is good to me as far as he pays our housepayment and takes me out to dinner and stuff like that but no matter what I do he will NOT spend more time with me.

 

 

The last few days I had been feeling that things were getting better between us. I asked him to take a day off from his hobby and he did (though he made it clear he didnt WANT to) and I made sure he had a great night- made him his favorite dinner, had sex with him and did some fun sexy things to spice things up, and let we watched a movie he'd wanted to see on dvd and I let him relax (something he rarely gets to do) So it should have been his pefect evening. And he did seem to appreciate it. I had sex with him on friday and saturday (something I dont' normally do because I feel used if I do- but because we'd had a good night I wanted to) Everything was fine until yesterday- his day off.

 

We decided to go out to lunch and I drove. Everything was fine, we hadn't argued all week, we were laughing and having a nice time. Well I had drank too much pop and had to pee and it hurt just to drive and hit a bump. We were about 20 minutes from home and closer to where I work (and I have keys to get in) and so I asked him if he thought it was closer to go straight (on the road we were traveling) or to turn off and go home the normal way) He knew I was in pain and really had to go and he told me to just drive home, that it was quicker. Well I didn't think so, so after thinking about it I decided to to go to work (this was maybe ten minutes out our our way but it was closer. Well he FLIPPED OUT on me. Started screaming at me (and I actually started laughing because it was so unwarranted and out of the blue!) that if I didn't want to do what he said then dont' ask his opinion. And that I don't trust him (becuase he told me that going home would be quicker and I didn't think it was). He yelled at me the entire drive and was just flipping out over NOTHING!! I didn't yell back or aggravate the situation but by the time we got home (after stopping where I work) he was fuming and telling me he was leaving.

 

 

I finally was like what is your problem?!! He said that I don't listen to him, I don't trust him and went on and on. He actually had the nerve to say to me "you deliberately didn't go the way I told you to because you knew it would piss me off!!!" And started screaming at me that I just do things to make him angry. Because he thinks I LIKE to argue and that the only reason I went the other way (toward work instead of home) was to make him mad. Now this would make some sense if he was a controlling guy- but the thing is he's NOT. And there is no way I drove the way I wanted to in order to make him mad. I needed a restroom and right now and it was closest. Thats it. So at home, we argued and I just started crying. I can't deal with his sh*t anymore. He said we always argue and that he knows I don't want to have kids (he always throws this at me during arguements even though I've told him a million times I DO want to have kids someday but I want to be married first.) But he always says I have told him I don't ever want to have children!!

 

]I told him we need to end this. That all I ever asked him for is to spend ONE more day a week with me and he won't do it. HE told me that he won't do it because all we ever do is argue (well we didnt' argue Thursday night did we and the argument from this day was started by HIM) He said that he loves working his hobby job and will never give it up but will give up his one day a week hobby if he has to. But he will NOT take any time off from his hobby job. And if he has to give up his hobby he will do it but not be happy about it! He thinks i am too demanding and that I should be happy with seeing him one day a week. he told me that if he takes another day off a week to see me in the evening we will only sit at home and not go out (fine by me) and that he will be "bored out of his mind" THat really hurts that my guy would be bored out of his mind having to spend time with me. But HE is the one who talked me into getting back together and yesterday when I told him I am done and leaving him (and I was crying) he told me to give him one more change. That he will take a one month leave of absence from his hobby and spend that one day a week with me every week and he said he thinks we'll argue but if I prove him wrong (again sounds like I"m the one who has to do all the work) then we will stay together. That he wants us to try it this one last time so we can say we did everything to save our relationship.

 

If I was some horrible person or a bad girlfriend (not contributing to the household, withholding sex, or even if it was something superficial like I"d gained weight since we got together) then I would understand his lack of interest in spending time with me. (he hasn't lost interest in me sexually but most of the time i just feel used by that) But I think he has it made and should WANT to spend more time with me. I love him very much and was lost without him. There is really nothing I would change about him except for the lack of time thing. I just feel that I am nothing to him. But why does he want to prolong things and once again try to work things out if he doesnt' care about me? We had just had a bad few weeks because his sister trashed our house while we were on vacation. He has NEVER told his sister how upset he was with her about that situation. Yet he is going to stand there and scream at me that me taking a route other than the one he suggested I take is me MAKING HIM ANGRY ON PURPOSE?!! But his sister trashes our house and gets none of his anger? I don't understand it.

 

 

He is not normally an angry person. He's never hit me or anything. But sometimes he just explodes. A few weeks ago we were fighting about what his sister did to our house (I was mad he hadn't confronted her or at least told her she is no longer welcome at our house. He had excuses and I got mad and told him I was going to contact child services because I am concerned for the safety of her children because of the needles we found in our house (that she admits she left just laying around). He got VERY upset and screamed at me that he was going to get a gun and shoot me and then kill himself and I freaked out and called my mom. I was especially scared because recently in our area this has become common of husbands killing their wives (there have been about 5 cases of a husband shooting his wife or girlfriend in the last year and I live in a small town) He appologized immediately when he saw my reaction and "sobbered up" and told me he just said that becuase he was mad and was very appologetic.

 

I really really need a wake up call.

So please be as harsh as you want to be. Because I am still hanging on clinging to hope that things will get better. I love this guy and I'm comfortable with him and we've shared so much together and he's always been there for me. Also I really don't want to hurt him by leaving (if he'd care at all

[Lucky_One]

I haven't read your other posts you may have made.

 

But from reading this at first read? He has a GF on the side. And he is re-writing history about how bad your relationship has been the whole time. And he is giving you the "last chance" to see if your R can work, so that he an claim that he did everything he could and he can be a nice guy - but he isn't going to do anything to help the week trial - it is all on you.

[Geishawhelk]

Ok.

 

WAKE UP.

 

Say bye-bye.

 

Something here is seriously wrong, and it's not going to get better is it?

He's a jackass, and he's getting worse.

Irrational, unfair, unreasonable....

Either it's something in the water, or he has serious issues.

And if he's to do anything about them, you have to show him you mean business right away.

 

This is a bad situation to be in.

Trouble is, your head knows this and is telling you everything I am.

Your stupid loving heart, however, is pulling the other way.

 

I think, due to the overwhelming evidence on this forum by testimony of many here - you really should shut 'heart' up and listen to 'head'.....

[Lucky_One]

Wait. I just went back and read a few of your recent posts (made in the past two months or so).

 

You were dating someone else at the end of August. And you were supposed to get married at the end of September. Are you really the same poster who wrote about her fiance and how much he loved you?

 

I am confused.

[Laurenwho]

Wait. I just went back and read a few of your recent posts (made in the past two months or so).

 

You were dating someone else at the end of August. And you were supposed to get married at the end of September. Are you really the same poster who wrote about her fiance and how much he loved you?

 

I am confused.

 

 

Not sure whose posts you were reading, but to clear things up- no I'm not getting married never was and I wasn't dating anyone else at the end of august. My guy and I broke up and around that time I was interested in my sister and BIL's friend and was told he was into me but he was acting like it so I was confused. But my boyfriend and i have gotten back together since then and this is where I am today.

 

Also I don't think he's seeing anyone on the side, he doesn't have time to at all! He doesn't even have time to see me and I know for a fact he's at work all the hours he says he is (his paychecks show this)

[Lucky_One]

"I am supposed to get married at the end of Sept. ...I never ONCE talked about getting married (seriously) or pressured my fiance into this. He 100% proposed to me on his own and he has suprised me by how excited he is about marrying me." This is from a post July 31st on the Getting Married Forum.

 

I think you may need to talk to a mod, if you aren't making these posts. And the posts about wanting to get together with some guy that you have been emailing and talking to on the phone for a year or so.

[Lucky_One]

Also I don't think he's seeing anyone on the side, he doesn't have time to at all! He doesn't even have time to see me and I know for a fact he's at work all the hours he says he is (his paychecks show this)

 

You do know that a lot of people have affairs with co-workers, right?

[zicke]

The last few days I had been feeling that things were getting better between us. I asked him to take a day off from his hobby and he did (though he made it clear he didnt WANT to) and I made sure he had a great night- made him his favorite dinner, had sex with him and did some fun sexy things to spice things up, and let we watched a movie he'd wanted to see on dvd and I let him relax (something he rarely gets to do) So it should have been his pefect evening. And he did seem to appreciate it. I had sex with him on friday and saturday (something I dont' normally do because I feel used if I do- but because we'd had a good night I wanted to) Everything was fine until yesterday- his day off.

I am wondering why you are withholding sex from him on a consistant basis. Why do you feel used by the man you supposedly love? What's going on with that---that's not the only time you've said that either. Sex isn't a bartering tool.

[Lucky_One]

July 31st - "For ex. this week his son has been gone and we've had sex every day (sometimes twice even though we only see eachother in the evenings).... We ate dinner and we'd had sex for the last 10 days in a row so he shouldn't even want it because he was exhausted....Well he started it and he said he wanted to do it because he knows I always want him."

 

Same post July 31st - "He spends time with me. This is HUGE....But since day 1 my fiance has ALWAYS wanted to spend all of his free time with me. He loves being with me and always wants me around. Even when I want to take a day and do something with friends he misses me and wishes I would spend the time with him instead. he wants me to go everywhere with him. Just because he likes having me around so much and to me that is huge."

 

Yeah - someone might be hacking your account, bc you have such wildly opposite things posted in a very short amount of time. Pretty weird.

[zicke]

Maybe Laurenwho is Schizophrenic? Or, most likely can't keep her stories straight. Occam's razor and all.

[Laurenwho]

July 31st - "For ex. this week his son has been gone and we've had sex every day (sometimes twice even though we only see eachother in the evenings).... We ate dinner and we'd had sex for the last 10 days in a row so he shouldn't even want it because he was exhausted....Well he started it and he said he wanted to do it because he knows I always want him."

 

Same post July 31st - "He spends time with me. This is HUGE....But since day 1 my fiance has ALWAYS wanted to spend all of his free time with me. He loves being with me and always wants me around. Even when I want to take a day and do something with friends he misses me and wishes I would spend the time with him instead. he wants me to go everywhere with him. Just because he likes having me around so much and to me that is huge."

 

Yeah - someone might be hacking your account, bc you have such wildly opposite things posted in a very short amount of time. Pretty weird.

 

 

I looked this up to see what you are talking about because my boyfriend does not spend time with me and does not have a son. This was not my thread. if you read farther down it was posted by Lexi29. I work with her. She accidently posted under my user name apparently.

 

As far as my guy having an affair with a coworker- at his hobby job (one he spends most of his time at) there are no females who work there. So unless he is gay and I don't know it... anyway this is the job he works with his dad and he stays until his dad gets done every night. He loves his dad and wants to help him out. Like my mom always says.. you make time and effort for those you love. Should tell me something right there. I guess I keep waiting for him to change into who he was when we started dating. Never going to happen.

[Laurenwho]

The last few days I had been feeling that things were getting better between us. I asked him to take a day off from his hobby and he did (though he made it clear he didnt WANT to) and I made sure he had a great night- made him his favorite dinner, had sex with him and did some fun sexy things to spice things up, and let we watched a movie he'd wanted to see on dvd and I let him relax (something he rarely gets to do) So it should have been his pefect evening. And he did seem to appreciate it. I had sex with him on friday and saturday (something I dont' normally do because I feel used if I do- but because we'd had a good night I wanted to) Everything was fine until yesterday- his day off.

I am wondering why you are withholding sex from him on a consistant basis. Why do you feel used by the man you supposedly love? What's going on with that---that's not the only time you've said that either. Sex isn't a bartering tool.

 

 

I don't "withhold" sex from him. I am just not in the mood to be intimate with someone who doesn't treat me as a priority. You have to feel good about the other person to want to have sex with them. How can I feel good that in his eyes I'm good enough to get naked for a quick romp (almost always quick! and not enjoyable for me) but he can't bring himself to take a few hours off to spend some time with me?

[zicke]

Yes, but, in your other thread and this one, you are coming off as thinking your boyfriend "coming" too quick is him using you. You also mentioned how you have sex maybe two times per week and that you do not like to have more. Either teach him how to have sex or find a new boyfriend. You apparently don't like this one, throw him back in the pond.

 

I couldn't imagine thinking that having sex two days in a row would ever make me feel used. Geez, two times in 24 hours sometimes isn't enough.

[Laurenwho]

Yes, but, in your other thread and this one, you are coming off as thinking your boyfriend "coming" too quick is him using you. You also mentioned how you have sex maybe two times per week and that you do not like to have more. Either teach him how to have sex or find a new boyfriend. You apparently don't like this one, throw him back in the pond.

 

I couldn't imagine thinking that having sex two days in a row would ever make me feel used. Geez, two times in 24 hours sometimes isn't enough.

 

 

Ok, well obviously you are being satisfied by your partner. I don't know why you keep bringing up the sex thing. I feel used afterward because he doesn't put effort into it (usually). It is like I am there for his enjoyment and he wants me to enjoy it too but if its over before I enjoy it- oh well better luck next time. And a relationship isn't all about sex. I've had great sex with guys who weren't relationship material at all.

 

What happens outside of the bedroom affects what happens in the bedroom (or on the bathroom sink, the kitchen table;)) But anyways even though the sex sucks, he wont' spend time with me, I still love him. Have no idea why! We've just been together so long and he's entertwined in my life its hard to let go.

[zicke]

Well, Lauren, hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like you are getting much out of this relationship. If the sex sucks, and he kinda sucks, don't you think you deserve better?

 

Why not sit down and really think about how this relationship is NOT adding to your life, which is what relationships are supposed to do. They are supposed to add to your overall enjoyment of life. Once the relationship becomes more of a distraction, it is doing nothing to add, only to take away.

 

If it were me and sex with my man turned me off like that, I would dump him. I have a low tolerance for bad sex. LOL.