Train Wreck!

[RealisticOptimist]

So my guy moved in with me last month. We have only been dating for 3 months. We had a major disaster last night.

 

We were drinking ALOT. Things were going fine, we were having fun. Then he got pissed off about something and started freaking out. He was way more drunk than me I know that. So here is what happens...

 

He goes into the bathroom and starts shaving his whole body. I come in there and he cut himself. I helped him shave the rest of the way and left. I come back and he is on his hands & knees in the bath tub with the shower on speaking in spanish. Then he comes out and goes to his computer which I shut off because that was where the fight initiated. He proceeds to start ripping apart his computer, throws the monitor, rips out the keyboard, knocking everything off the desk. I go in the other room. I hear him getting dressed.

 

This is where it gets really bad. I am at fault here. I know this.

 

I took his car keys and wallet and hid them. I didn't want him driving or going to a bar and getting in trouble since he was already a mess. He goes to look for his keys and wallet. I told them I hid them because he shouldn't be driving and that he had had enough to drink. I told him he should just go to bed. He then proceeds to ransack the apartment looking for his stuff.

 

He punches the door- cracking it, empties my purse, empties another of my purses and throws it, overturns my trunk, and starts throwing anything he can. He keeps telling me to give him his ****. I tell him he can take the house key so he can leave. He is in full tirade mode and doesn't care. It gets really quiet and I realize he left.

 

I lock the door and go to bed. He texts me to give him back his stuff. I tell him to calm down, that I am worrried, and that he shouldn't be out in the state he was in. He tells me he is going to a friend's house to cool down.

 

He comes home a couple of hours later, tells me he will be looking for a new place to live, and sleeps on the couch.

 

This morning he is still pissed. I apologized saying that he was right, that I was wrong to keep his stuff from him, but that I wasn't doing it out of spite. I was trying to save him from himself, which I should not have done because he is a big boy and that is not my job. I asked him if it was over between us and he said he didn't have an answer for me right now. He said to respect that fact that he just wants to be alone right now (meaning at that moment). I said ok and left. I made sure not to come back till I knew he would be gone to work.

 

I am so scared. I thought we were doing ok. I know I shouldn't have kept his stuff, but I thought I was doing him a favor.

 

I did something even worse too. When he got back and was asleep last night I checked his phone. He was texting this girl asking for her friend's number because her friend was so sexy and that he would 'even let her do him without a condom'. WTF?

 

What should I do? Can we recover?

[wish44]

I can understand the occasional alcohol-feuled blowup and the pouting/pissed off in the morning happening every once in a blue moon, but I cannot understand the texts to the girl asking for the friends number. That is inexcusable.

 

Don't regret for one second that you hid his car keys. If he was that intoxicated he had no business being near the wheel of a car. It was the right thing to do keeping him off the road. You may very well have saved his life or the life of some innocent bystander.

 

I'm no psychologist, but it sounds like he has some anger issues to work through. I was in a similar relationship that did not end well. My advice would be to let this one go and find someone who will treat you better. I know...easier said than done.

 

Whatever you decide, take care of yourself 100%. You deserve so much more!!!!

[Geishawhelk]

Oh my goodness, don't you see them? All these red flags???

 

He can't hold his alcohol. He seriously loses it when drunk and has an anger problem. BIG TIME.

 

He had no right to be that mad at you, either the evening all this happened, or the following day. He should have been apologising to you for all that cr*a*p.

 

And texting someone else... about sex without a condom?

 

Give him all his stuff.

outside of the front door.

THis is a bad and dangerous place to be.

 

You have absolutely no idea at all if he might use you instead of the door next time, huh?

 

This is dangerous territory.

I'd leave it, pronto.

[4dviceJunki3]

WTF! Why would you even WANT to recover with someone like him?

 

No, seriously! This guy sounds to me like a lunatic. He wrecks your apartment because he cannot control his alcohol and doesn't respect the fact that SOMEONE actually cares about him. By the way you explain your story, it seems as if you're hopeless with this guy. Let him go and do his own stupid thing. Especially if you've found out that he's willing to cheat on you.

 

This guy doesn't sound like he has anything good going for himself or even headed in the right direction.

 

Let him go, you deserve better than to deal with this sort of crap! Come to your senses!

[Lucky_One]

WTF are YOU apologizing for?

 

This relationship needs to end. Now. Either get his stuff moved out, or get your own place. But he is whacked.

[All Star]

Looks like you've got a violent drunk on your hands. Let him go.

[Trimmer]

You can't unring the bell. Really the question you are probably asking yourself is: can I have back the guy I had before, and go back to the way it was? No, you can't have back the guy you thought he was before this happened, because now you have more information about the guy he really is.

 

The question is: given that you know him better now (although still not completely...) do you even want to recover with this guy?

[RealisticOptimist]

He hasn't done this before. We always drink together and have a good time. We also don't drink together and have a good time. I really want to believe that that text was just a big silent emotional **** you to me and that it really didn't mean anything. There have not been any other texts like that.

 

I haven't heard from him all day. He gets off work later, so we'll see what happens when he gets home.

[Lucky_One]

You barely know him, and you have just found out that he has an explosively violent temper. He tore apart personal items in his rage, and punches a door. He leaves and tries to get laid.

 

The text had nothing to do with being a "message" to you - it was about him getting laid by some hot chick whose name he doesn't know while he was drunk and angry.

 

I would strongly suggest that you contact your local domestic violence/woman's shelter, and talk to a counselor there confidentially. They have 24 hour hotlines, and you do not have to give your name. This man is a walking time bomb. His behavior is not cute, it is not safe, it is not forgiveable, it is not typical. The fact that you are apologizing for your relatively-sane behavior and saying that your checking his texts is worse than the horrible behavior he exhibited indicates that you may have some issues with abandonment and self-esteem, since you seem to be saying that you would keep this eventual abuser at any costs.

[Geishawhelk]

He hasn't done this before. We always drink together and have a good time. We also don't drink together and have a good time. I really want to believe that that text was just a big silent emotional **** you to me and that it really didn't mean anything. There have not been any other texts like that.

 

I haven't heard from him all day. He gets off work later, so we'll see what happens when he gets home.

 

Ok.

So everything we've said to you (because some of us have had experience) is obviously not what you wanted to hear, so I suggest you hang around, apologise to him again, for having been so stupid (make up a reason, anything will do....) sit and wait until the next time he has an explosion like this, possibly with harm to you, you never can tell with emotionally unstable, drinking, violent uncontrollable idiots....and then post again, when we'll give you the same advice, in triplicate, and then you can ignore us again.

 

How's that?

[Shygirl15]

He hasn't done this before.

 

Before?? You have only known him for 3 months. You have stayed with him full time for just a month. What before are you talking about?

 

He's violent and appears to be abusive and emotionally unstable. What's up with shaving his body when he's angry? If he does this when you're still on honeymoon period, can you imagine what he is capable of doing one year from now?

[Trimmer]

He hasn't done this before. We always drink together and have a good time. We also don't drink together and have a good time. I really want to believe that that text was just a big silent emotional **** you to me and that it really didn't mean anything. There have not been any other texts like that.

 

I haven't heard from him all day. He gets off work later, so we'll see what happens when he gets home.

I think you're in denial on several fronts.

 

First, the idea that the text was intended as a message for you to stumble across somehow.

 

Second is the idea that "the text" is even the fundamental concern here. You said that he ripped apart his computer and threw the monitor, and THEN things got bad? I'd say they were pretty bad already.... You are making excuses for him: never happened before, etc... Well, if you've got all these excuses figured out, then how do you explain what happened, then?

[Jilly Bean]

Wow. Talk about having to state the obvious.

 

What should you do? Move out, or kick him out.

 

Can you recover? I'm concerned that you would even think this was a good idea!

 

RO, this guy has just showed you who he really is. He is a rage-oholic with a drinking problem. He destroyed property. He cracked a door from punching it in anger. He went on a drunken tirade in which he trashed your place. He was texting some chick to get the number of ANOTHER chick that he finds hot so he can screw her bareback.

 

Girl, these incidents INDIVIDUALLY are enough to get you out of there, but in combination?

 

This is really a no-brainer.

 

FWIW, Im sorry he turned out to be insane. But, you had very little investment...

[RealisticOptimist]

Ok.

So everything we've said to you (because some of us have had experience) is obviously not what you wanted to hear, so I suggest you hang around, apologise to him again, for having been so stupid (make up a reason, anything will do....) sit and wait until the next time he has an explosion like this, possibly with harm to you, you never can tell with emotionally unstable, drinking, violent uncontrollable idiots....and then post again, when we'll give you the same advice, in triplicate, and then you can ignore us again.

 

How's that?

 

 

Thank you. You are right it is not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear 'Hey, he was really drunk and we have all gotten way out of control once in a blue moon and maybe it will be ok. Just let this blow over and see what happens'

 

I guess I really am pretty stupid. This sucks. Thank you for your replies. They are making me see this in a whole other light.

 

Oh, and I didn't think the text was for me to stumble across. He though he had deleted it.

 

I was invested in him. I really thought up till this point that he could be the one.

 

ugh.

[Geishawhelk]

You can't see the wood for the trees.

Please, trust us.

This has got to end, now.

Period.

you have to do the right thing and save yourself from real big problems down the line.

And not too far down the line, by the sounds of it.

really.

He has to take a hike.

 

Get off this computer and act now.

 

No, NOW!!

[Trimmer]

Thank you. You are right it is not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear 'Hey, he was really drunk and we have all gotten way out of control once in a blue moon and maybe it will be ok. Just let this blow over and see what happens'

 

I guess I really am pretty stupid. This sucks. Thank you for your replies. They are making me see this in a whole other light.

Hey, it's not that you're stupid. We can all be blinded by our desire to see things in a simpler, less frightening way... Denial is a powerful and sometimes very important defense and survival mechanism in the short term, but you have to eventually see past it to keep yourself safe and moving along in life.

 

I will say that when I have gotten out of control drunk (long ago ), among other things, I stumble around, make extremely lame jokes, giggle, and get horny.

 

I become a chaotic mishmash of the unvarnished elements of my fundamental nature that I usually keep more ordered. And I can't help but think that's what you saw in him.

[4dviceJunki3]

On top of it all, it appears that you're very forgiving and you just want to put the problems behind you and keep moving because you hate to meet somebody new and get to know the person and hopefully like the person.

 

Well, face the truth, you've found yourself a harmful one. This is only 3 months into it. Can you imagine when he becomes fully comfortable with you like a year down the line? This guy just may be one of those guys who you will be calling the cops on cause he's violent and putting your life in danger.

 

If you've ever taken the flag approach, this would be a definite RED FLAG!

[RealisticOptimist]

I become a chaotic mishmash of the unvarnished elements of my fundamental nature that I usually keep more ordered. And I can't help but think that's what you saw in him.

 

 

What do you mean by that?

[Trimmer]

What do you mean by that?

Sorry, that was not very well-written. I mean that when I get drunk my inhibitions drop a little (or a lot) and what you see is what is really at my core. A sense of humor (stupid though it may be when I'm drunk), raging sexuality that I keep somewhat buttoned down day to day just as a mature adult, and stuff like that. And I'm also kind of big on valuing the close connections I make with people, so if I'm drunk I'm a little looser with telling people how much they mean to me (which, in the limit becomes that kind of annoying, streotypical drunk, saying the "Ohhh, I love you man...." kind of stuff.)

 

My point is that I don't think drinking makes you do things that are opposite of who you really are; I think what you see when someone drinks is a bit of a microscope into their soul, what really lurks beneath. In other words, I assume that when people do things drunk, it's not the "alcohol making them do it" but rather the alcohol lowering the barriers to their true inner natures showing themselves.

 

The whole point being that I don't blow off people's drunk behavior (and I include myself in that,) whether violent, obnoxious, sexual, dishonest, or otherwise, as being "just because of the alcohol." I believe it reveals something about someone's real nature.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with Trimmer about alcohol being an amplifier for people's true nature. Notice how your b/f lacked any remorseful behaviour, the next morning?

 

I would like to ask that Trimmer also explain the giggling part.

[Trimmer]

I agree with Trimmer about alcohol being an amplifier for people's true nature. Notice how your b/f lacked any remorseful behaviour, the next morning?

Very good point. I missed that, but it is telling.

 

I would like to ask that Trimmer also explain the giggling part.

I think that's enough self-revelation on Trimmer's part right now, because goodness, I wouldn't want to hijack the thread...

[RealisticOptimist]

I am just so dumbfounded. What the hell happened? How is it that he seems like 2 different people? The family oriented guy and the player.

 

Are there no fronts on which I should be willing to forgive him? I really want to, but if there aren't then I will be ending it.

[Jilly Bean]

I am just so dumbfounded. What the hell happened? How is it that he seems like 2 different people? The family oriented guy and the player.

 

Are there no fronts on which I should be willing to forgive him? I really want to, but if there aren't then I will be ending it.

 

This is co-dependency talking now. Of course there are NO points of forgiveness, unless you want the scenario that Geisha presented.

 

What would you tell your BFF is she just went through this with someone she barely knew?

 

Remember, 3 months is still very much the "getting to know each other" stage. Consider yourself lucky he revealed himself now, rather than 3 years from now.

[RealisticOptimist]

Why is he still mad?

 

I know you are all right, but I still feel the need to understand what happened.

[CandyGirlXO]

RUN! RUN FAST!!!!!

 

He sounds EXACTLY like my EX with his temper. I wasted 3 YEARS on him. He showed red flags just like this 3 months in and I kept making excuses for him. Leave before you become emotionally attached even more.

 

I wish I did.