wish44 Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I have been in a relationship with a guy for the past few months. I really like him, but I have bad habits from bad relationships in the past. I put up emotional walls and I don't open up easily. I know that I make it hard for people to get close to me and that it can be very frustrating for others. I do not do this intentionally, but I am guilty as charged. My boyfriend has been getting increasingly more frustrated with me and like the bonehead I can be, it just has dawned on me in the past couple of weeks that I have been pushing away the one person I want to be close to. He has pulled back in a big way and has become distant. I keep trying to get together with him but it hasn't been working out lately. I know he is sick and that his work schedule has been crazy, but he usually would make time. He did agree today that we need to talk in person but when I try to set up a time he hasn't gotten back to me. I have expressed that I know I have a lot to work on and that I just want the chance to make things right. I don't know if I should think that he is already gone or if there is still a chance. This is the first time in a very long time that I have cared for someone so much. I hope and pray that it is not too late and that somehow I will find a way to show him how much I care. Does anyone have any thoughts? Is he gone? Any ideas for how I can go about opening up to him without scaring him off?
JohnnyBlaze Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 My recommendation would be to pick one of the negative habits and work on it. Work hard!! That way, you can come to him and say "see? I know I've said I have problems before, but now I'm doing something about it!" The problem doesn't have to be completely resolved in one fell swoop, but you need to show proof that all the talk of changing isn't just that - talk. It sounds like he's pretty close to the end, but he's probably not quite there yet. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Rather than calling him or emailing him or however you're getting in touch with him right now, go over to his place. If you have to, take a lawn chair, a magazine, and a bottle of water and wait for him to come home, but whatever you do, don't leave without talking to him face to face. Show him that you're serious about wanting this relation to work. Once he sees that you really want this to work, then the two of you can build from there. It won't be easy, but it is possible.
zicke Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I have been in a relationship with a guy for the past few months. I really like him, but I have bad habits from bad relationships in the past. I put up emotional walls and I don't open up easily. I know that I make it hard for people to get close to me and that it can be very frustrating for others. I do not do this intentionally, but I am guilty as charged. My boyfriend has been getting increasingly more frustrated with me and like the bonehead I can be, it just has dawned on me in the past couple of weeks that I have been pushing away the one person I want to be close to. He has pulled back in a big way and has become distant. I keep trying to get together with him but it hasn't been working out lately. I know he is sick and that his work schedule has been crazy, but he usually would make time. He did agree today that we need to talk in person but when I try to set up a time he hasn't gotten back to me. I have expressed that I know I have a lot to work on and that I just want the chance to make things right. I don't know if I should think that he is already gone or if there is still a chance. This is the first time in a very long time that I have cared for someone so much. I hope and pray that it is not too late and that somehow I will find a way to show him how much I care. Does anyone have any thoughts? Is he gone? Any ideas for how I can go about opening up to him without scaring him off? Can you give some examples of how you have been emotionally not available? What has he said to you to believe this? It helps to understand just exactly what is going on. And camping outside of his house is a bad idea.
Ronni_W Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 My recommendation would be to pick one of the negative habits and work on it. Work hard!! I agree with JB -- you don't need him (or anyone else) to give you the "chance" to work on what you want to improve about yourself -- you must create that opportunity for yourself...make the time, make the efforts. Even if your current guy is done with this relationship, you still owe it to yourself (have the self-responsibility and self-obligation) to move forward with your self-improvement plans. Hugs and good luck.
Author wish44 Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Examples.... It's hard for me to let people in. If he asks how my day was and it sucked, I'll say that but I won't give details. If I have issues going on in my family (which has been somewhat frequent lately), I don't really share that info. I guess I feel like I don't want to bore him with stuff like that. I have been bad about taking initiative as well. It's usually him that makes plans to get together and takes the lead. It's not a matter that I don't want to see him at all. I just don't want to seem like I am all needy and require him to be around all the time. Every now and then he makes jokes about my having another boyfriend. This is totally not the case, he is my one and only and I don't want it any other way. He knows I have trust issues and a fear of getting hurt. He says he wants me to trust him and wants me to open up to him. (For the record, I do trust him) He also says that he cant be with someone who isn't going to open up and share what bothers them or what made them into who they are. Also says that he doesn't know where to go with this this whole thing yet, that we have great chemistry but there are some hurdles/obstacles here with other things. When I suggested today that we get together and see if we can get this back on track he said that he thinks talking in person would be good for both sides and that he has a lot to discuss and sometimes its difficult to do this on the phone. I'm totally game for this, but I would like to get it set up. This state of limbo is making me crazy.
Author wish44 Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 I agree with JB -- you don't need him (or anyone else) to give you the "chance" to work on what you want to improve about yourself -- you must create that opportunity for yourself...make the time, make the efforts. Even if your current guy is done with this relationship, you still owe it to yourself (have the self-responsibility and self-obligation) to move forward with your self-improvement plans. Hugs and good luck. I agree - I need to work on this for myself for sure. I am actively doing that. I just pray that it is not too late. This one is actually worth keeping. Fingers crossed....
aredcherry Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 You can always try. Try explaining things to him (I don't know if he is familiar with your history?) and if he remains distant, then you'll know he isn't willing to deal with baggage from the past. Then drop the whole thing, forget him, and move on. I think the biggest mistakes we make are trying to repair things that can't be repaired.
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