My Mommy, My Best Friend....

[Bufzookie]

Her story began like this...

 

April of 2007 I was living abroad at the time. My daughter was 4 months from turning 2 and I was taking care of her by myself. My husband was in Iraq for a 15 month tour, so at that point we had 5 months to go till he came home. My Parents both live in Arizona due to my father being a military man himself.

At that time, my mom had been complaining about pains in her chest and having a hard time breathing. Getting this women to the doctors was very difficult. She was the type to wait for her arms and legs to be falling off till she got her self seen by a doctor.

After a few weeks of covincing from myself and multipul family members, she went to go see a doctor about the pain she was having. Her mother was visiting, so she went with her. That day the doctor did multipul x-rays of my moms chest and was alarmed at what was found. she had pluracy. Its when your lung/lungs fill with fluid. My Mothers whole right lung was infultraited! She was drowing in that fluid. That next day they had to remove the fluid so that she would breath better, but unfortunitly when you have pluracy, its only a symtom of something much more horrible going on with your body.

That day they took out 550 cc's of this beer colored fluid. Imagine a big litter of coke coming out of you! Now at that time the doctor she had was very optomistic. He had the fluid checked for infection, cancer cells, ect. and they found nothing. Her x-ray showed a mass in right lung canal so it was blocking air from going into that lung anyways. His first guess was a cyst. So the next step was to do a broncosopy. Things went really slow after the extraction of the fluid, so the broncoscopy didn't get done for almost 3 weeks!

Finally she went in for the procedure. They found the mass and took a biopsy and was sent to the lab. A few hours after that procedure my mom was told by the doctor that he had to wait for the lab to confirm, but he was very positive it was cancer. The next day it was confirm by the lab. Everything seemed to go so fast from there. I was devistated and I can't even imagine what how my mom felt. She was recomended to two oncoligists. One of them was the primary and specialist for lung cancer so my mom went to her for more test and a cancer plan.

May 2007, I was driving to lunch with a friend, when I got a call from my Mom. She had obviously been crying but she had some important news to tell me. The Doctor called her while she was at sears getting the car tires rotated. The Cancer was stage 4........It was activily in her limp nods and had spread to her stomach and there where 3 tumors in her Brain. There are no words to explain what it felt like when I hurd that. I felt so scared for her, sick to my stomach and I was in a panic. This was my Mommy, I was very close to her and I am her only child. She was my world and I was her's for almost all my life before my daughter came around. a part of me died that day honestly.

Just a week after, they had plans for her to get full brain Radition. I hopped a plan to Arizona so I could be with her when she started. We where all told that she could have a personality change or get very sick. Everyone came....her mother.... both sisters and brother. I had my daughter, and my Dad was there too. It was very intence and very emotional time. I only stayed for a little less then a month, I live the miltary life style and did not have money enough to stay so I went home, got a job and started to save so I could keep coming back out. After the brain radiation, doctors had to wait for the swelling from the radiation to go down. That takes about 6 weeks. They did a scan and got awesome results. They found no traces of the tumors in her brain!! My family and I where so happy. Next, was the plain for Two differnt rounds of Chemo theropy and Radiotion of the lung. I flew out a few more times in the months to come and she seemed to be doing so well with all her treatements. Her doctors where amazed at her progress. At one point in time, they said her tumor in the lung was melting away like snow! Each time I would call, it seemed great news was coming. My heart would skip a beat to here how well she was responding.

Last time I visited in November of 2007 she had lost all her hair and gain a lot of weight. In Cancer world.....weight it GOOD!! She was really optomistic and alive. I was really really proud of her. I can't even imagine what it was like to be in her shoes. I left Arizona feeling pretty good about my Mom's situation.

February 2008, My husband had been home for about 4 months. I started getting more calls from my mom complaining about headaches and heartburn. It was all normal from just finishing her Second round of Chemo but in my heart I felt something was wrong. At that time as well, I had found my husband being unfaithful so I thought the best idea was for myself and our daughter to move to Arizona. I've posted here before about his infidelities if you want to read those post. I have many many updates on that though............anyways It was the best thing I ever did, moving to my parents.

I had only been staying at my parents for two weeks when I started seeing changes in my mom that where strange. She would forget common words, foods and names. It wasn't very often but I was concerned. She complained of headackes all the time and would lay down a lot more then last time I saw her. a few times I watched her daze off. I didn't know what that ment but I watched her closely.

Then one day, as my daughter took a nap upstair and my dad in his recliner next to my mom's couch in the living room, my mom sat up very fast from her couch. (that where she slept since going upstairs took to much effort). I was sitting a few feet away from her and ask her if she was okay. She said "I don't think so baby" and stood up with her finger pointing to the cealing. I felt something horrible happening so I ran to her and grabbed her around the waist. At that time she started spinning in a circle with her finger still pointing to the ceiling. and then...she collapesed into my arms and I pulled her down on the couch on her side. Now, I had taken classes on seizures, and I had a small one myself as a teenager, but never in my life had I seen a grand Mal. It was horrible. I had nothing to keep her from swallowing her tounge so I keep her on her side and held her as she shock violently. My dad was still sleeping and I yelled but that didn't work so I had to throw the remote at him to get him up. He shoot up and rain to her and started crying, yelling ....he didn't know what to do. I told him to hold her and I ran to the phone and called 911. She seized for 10 minutes. The ambulance came right after she had finished. She was panting and her eyes where glazed. She was very confused and could only remember her name. They took her to the hospital and on the way she had another grand mal. When I was finaly allowed to see her, she was still very confused and not herself. She pulled out her iv line infront of me, was very figity and didn't know me at all. I had to really focus myself to keep myself from crying because I felt so helpless. That day they did a scan of her head and found a big 2x2 centemeter tumor in her brain. It was located in the part of the brain we associate memory/personality. She was never the same after that. She was put on anti seizure meds and sent home. She was sent back to Dr. Garland and spot radiation was the only way. She couldn't make all of the appointments because travaling to tucson was an hour each way. she just couldn't do it. It didn't make much of a difference, the tumor was still there. So, a team of doctors descided to go ahead and operate on her brain to get the tumor out. She was young and healthy enough. So in July they went in to take out the tumor.

Now the good news started to poar in again.....thank god they did the surgury because from the scan they took of her brain on thursday, and her surgury was that following monday (so 4 days later) the tumor grew 1 full centemeter. The surgery itself was a great and they got the whole tumor out. and whatever was left over, if any was killed by chemo waffers they put on her brain. So again, my family and I are all excited about the good news untill.....

 

the reality set it. The Radiation she had had back in July of last year, was just now starting to kill brain cells. Our Brains can't regenorate like our body cells can so she was permently and incressenly becoming brain damaged. She wasn't talking much, she couldn't feed herself, she was incontent and made little eye contactt. It was all very heartbreaking to see someone so beautiful, vibrant, intelagent and loving become so weak and empty. August 12th of this year my dad got the call that they where declaring her hospice. There wasn't anything else they could do without killing her. So within a month and a half it was shocking reality that she was dying. They got the news face to face in Tucson. My Mom actually cryed. she knew. I was at their home waiting for the news and my dad called me and told me. I fixed up the room down stairs for her to stay in. I cryed the whole time as I vacuumed and dusted the place my mom was going to die in. It was bitter sweet for me because that very same room I brought my New Born baby girl in before we had to move. I still can't believe I did that by myself.

Hospice came with a bed, sheets, incontent sheets, gowns and other things that would be needed while she was in hospice care. So everything was set for her when she got home. Hospice only came a few times a week, we where told so everyone came to help. First it was me, My aunt and Grandmother keeping up with care. We where told that we had at least 4 or so months with her.

On August 28th 2008, My husband and I desided that the best place for me while he went on deployment again was in MA. I didn't have much of a support system in Arizona so I moved there to be close to my in-laws. The plan was to drive cross country with the car and dog that we had and then after we got the furniture at our new house, I would fly in to Arizona to be with my mom again. Well, a day later we got to tulsa oklahoma when my dad called my cell phone. My mom was staring the dying process! She couldn't swallow anything so that ment no food or water. I went to the airport that night, they had no flights for 5 hours so I slept in the airport and flew back to arizona to be with her. When I got there, my Aunts and Uncle and my grandma was there. We all took shifts staying with her and cleaning her. It was mostly myself and my dad during the day 7-whenever I felt to tired and my aunts and grandma at night and of course we allfilled in for breaks. We just didn't want her dying alone.

she held on for almost 7 days. She was ready to go from the start of hospice but her body wasn't ready to let go.

September 5th 2008 which was a friday.....very early morning about 1:07 I was woken up by my dad saying that we needed to get down stairs, I ran down and as I walked in the room my Mom took her final breaths. We where all standing around her when she died. All of us took turns talking to her and touching her. Her fingers became so cold within minutes. It was nothing like anything else in the world to watch your Mother die. about an hour after she passed, hospice came and declaired her dead and an hour after that the funeral home we picked came and took her away. I couldn't watch it. It was all to much for me to handle. about 5 hours after my mom died my uncle left to go home. It was bizzare. I got only an hour of rest before I had to be up to go to the funeral home with my Dad. He never made a phone call, or desition on anything. I did it all by myself. I picked her ern, her stationary, poem, guest book, what she was creamated in,the date for her celebration of life......I did it all. My dad didn't know what to do so it was the best thing I could do for my Mom. Give her a beautiful ending.

Her Celebration fo Life was September 10th at 10 am. It was a full house. My pastor came and said some beautiful things and did a small reading from the bible. Then My Aunt spoke and then I spoke. At the end I sang for my Mother. I'm an Opera Singer.....everything I accomplished was because of her so I sang one of her favorite songs.

A day after the celebration of life, I flew to MA to be with My husband and daughter. I didn't have time to grieve because my furniture came it a day after I got in and I had to clean and get things together. We had another Celebration of life in New Hampshire where she was born and where her ashes would be held in a masolium. That was just last week. My husand left two days before that and Here I am now.

 

My daughter just turned 3 a week ago, I have a new house in a new place and I can't seem to find much happiness in that. I don't think its all hit me yet but I miss my mom so very much. She was my best friend and the best mom I could have asked for. She was only 44 years old. I'm only 23 myself. I never thought I would loose her now.....maybe 40 plus years in the future.....but now? It almost can't be. A dream......a nightmare....I'm so very lost and times like this I would want my mom to hold me but that's never an option anymore. It kills me that I have to tell my daughter what my mom was like, instead of her experiencing it herself. I wasn't ready for any of this. Now It seems as though I'm more lonely since she died. No one talks to me anymore, and when they do, they just don't know what to say. I understand that but, this is the time I need support the most.

My In-Laws told me I should join a grief group but since I can not find one right now, I thought I would start here. I need to start the Grieving process .....

[Tony T]

You are not likely to get many responses to such a very long post. I did read the last paragraph and am not sure if you even want a response. If you want people to read your post, abbreviate it. People are busy and there's lots more to do in a day than read one book.

 

Also, a lot of people can go blind trying to read a mass to gray type without many breaks in it. You can make nice paragraphs by pressing your ENTER key twice after each grouping of three or four sentences. People here will love you for doing that.

[quankanne]

<hugs>

 

and lo siento ... it's not easy letting go, even when you know the outcome is inevitable. And knowing the hardest thing is that you'll have to recreate the very essence of your mom for your child/children. But know that you will be able to do it, because even though your mom isn't here physically, she left the best of herself with you, and you will forever carry that in your heart. And when you want your child to know Grandma, be what your mother was to you – loving, caring, a good friend to her daughter. Because those things don't ever change even when the world changes around you, you know?

 

we are dealing with hospice right now, my dad is in complete renal failure, but somehow, and for some unknown reason, he's outlived the "expire-by" date the doctor gave him by six months. And hospice has been wonderful about helping us through this. My suggestion is to contact a local hospice outfit and ask about grief counseling, or talk to the pastor/priest/rabbi at your place of worship. I know some churches actually have resources (mostly groups) for people who are grieving.

 

something that helped me when my mom died five years ago was music – I know, sounds kind of hokey, but a song called "Lullabye" by Billy Joel made a huge difference in how I looked at my loss because it talked about how love goes on no matter that someone has passed on.

 

more hugs,

quank

 

PS – Tony is not trying to be horrible. It's just that when someone sees one long post, they tend to look past it because it appears to be too much to digest. That's why he's suggested breaking it up, makes it easier on the eyes so that people WILL respond!

[AriaIncognito]

I read the whole thing. I can't imagine going through what you have gone through, and at such a young age.

 

I'm an only child as well, and I often worry about how it will feel to be "alone" when this happens to me. I pray that it won't happen for a long time, but well, as seen here, you just never know.

 

Know that your mom is in a better place now, and feeling fine, and keeping watch over you and your daughter. You'll feel her presense around. I know it sounds strange, but I've definitely felt my grandparents around me....

[quankanne]

You'll feel her presence around. I know it sounds strange, but I've definitely felt my grandparents around me....

 

not really strange, IMO ... because I think they love they feel for us as parents defies time and distance and space. And it pretty much becomes our wellspring

[Deegee]

I'm sorry for your loss Bufzookie.

 

I want you to know that you did a great job in taking care of your mother, and I'm SURE that your mother knew that you were there for her.

I wish that there was some way to alleviate the pain, unfortunately, all it's gonna take is time.

In the meantime, you should cry when you need to, then if you have to again, do it. You are gonna be in pain, and the best thing to do is, go through it.

I lost my mother about 17 years agao, and I can tell you that there will be days when you'll be okay, and days when you won't. and it's okay.

Luckily, you have your daughter that needs you, and also your new home, there's so much for you to do.

Good luck in finding a support group (don't forget to check with the military as well, they should have some kind of support, or point you in the right direction),.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[BannaBee57]

I'm really sorry for your loss Bufzookie.

 

That's the sad and scary thing about lung cancer. People are usually diagnosed in stage 4. It leaves so little time for coming to terms with the illness (as if you could ever really do that anyway).

 

I'm sure your mother and whole family really appreciated how strong and responsible you were during the final days and afterward.

 

As far as grief support groups. You could look into it at the closest hospital to you. I know ours have several that meet weekly.

 

Hugs to you.

[Eve]

*Hugs*

 

I am proud of you and I dont even know you. It will all take time but you are your Mothers daughter and will find the right way to go on. Your post really touched me. I know that my daughters and Stepsons will take it hard when I go.. someday.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[mark982]

i'm so sorry for your loss.your post actually made me teary eyed.

[annieo]

My Oma (grandma in German) died of a heart attack 3 years ago on October 9. She was older (85) but was seemingly healthy, it was out of the blue sudden and we were very close. I still miss her, talk to her, wish she was going to be here for Thanksgiving dinner. Silly, I still feel like she is here with me. For a few months after she died, I would call her phone number, half expecting her to pick up, as if it was all a terrible mistake.

 

A year later (October 26, 2006) my very, very good friend Christina, died of stomach cancer. Seeing what happened to her, the horrible changes, was a nightmare. And she is the first person I talk to (in my head) when things get troublesome at work (that's how we met - we're both teachers).

 

As bad as these losses were, they weren't my mom, and the title of your thread really resonated with me, as my mom is also my best friend. I live in abject fear of my mom or dad dying, and since they are around 70, it's starting to seem kind of inevitable.

 

I am so sorry for your loss, so sorry that any of us have to deal with the deaths of those we love. It just sucks. God has got some serious explaining to do when I make the jump!

 

Thank God for your daughter, and I hope that her existence gives you something to hold on to. I'm sure it does.

 

As much as you might feel alone right now, please know that there are people out there who understand, on some level, what you are going through. It might not make it any easier, but you are not alone. And thank you for your honest and detailed post. It is a tribute to your mom, who she was and what she went through, and who her daughter is. She was lucky to have you.

[quankanne]

Sometimes I call my dad's house number, because he rarely answers it but it has my mom's voice mail message on it. does that sound silly? I have all her jewelery and pins in my spare bedroom and I can remember each time she wore a certain pin on her suit when she went to work. I took two of her sweaters with me before I left too. they smell so good. But its only small doses of comfort for such sad cercumstances.

 

calling to listen to her voice isn't silly at all ... back when we had a telephone answering machine that used those little tapes, I saved the messages from my mother. It's tucked away safely in my china cabinet for when I need to hear her voice just to make my world right, you know? I've not yet broke it out, though I've come close, but just knowing it's there gives me great comfort.

 

I didn't get a chance to pick out the one dress of hers that I loved best, but that's okay, I've got little reminders of her tucked throughout the house – things that belonged to her, things that she gave me, things we picked out together, so the attached memories also give comfort. Mostly though, I share my mother with the people I talk to – the great-grandbabies (hers, not mine!), with my sister, with my dad, with my friends and co-workers, so even though she's not physically here, she's still very much present in my life. And I think you probably will do the same with your daughter, buf ...

 

more hugs to you with the whole military/Iraq thing, that's a lot to deal with on it's own ... you and your family will be in my prayers.

 

q

[Bufzookie]

Its been hard a night for me. On top of having a little cold right now, I just can't sleep. I don't try to sit there think about bad things all night, I think of everything. Wonderful memories I shared with My mom......I'll close my eyes and I swear sometimes I can smell her perfume fantly in my room. I think about how this effects my life, and whats its going to be like without her, I think about what it would have been like if she hadn't of had cancer......just anything and everything one can think about.

 

I remember this one time I was really sick and it was my senior prom day. I moped around the house with My beautifully done up hair and thought, I'm just feeling crappy....I"M NOT GOING!! and she came up to me as I layed on the couch and rubbed my face for a minute. She said "Angela, Come sit on my lap". She Sat on the Recliner and I hopped up on her lap and she rocked me.....back and forth....back and forth and said " no matter how big you get, No matter how many children you have, No matter how old you are, when you need me, Mommy will always hold you".

She always did that when I was really sick or very sad. And I always felt better after she did it. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have never gotten off of her.

 

I look at my little girl and I think, how in the world can I do my mom justis? What am I going to tell Leah when she asked what Memmere was like? How am I going to have another baby without having her by myside. She gave me so much strength and love. I miss her so very much.

[quankanne]

be the kind of mother you grew up with, so that your little ones see for themselves the person she was through the person YOU are.

 

she rocked me.....back and forth....back and forth and said " no matter how big you get, No matter how many children you have, No matter how old you are, when you need me, Mommy will always hold you".

 

reminds me of how my mom would always play with my toes ... even though I was in my 30s! I thought is was really sweet when she told me it was because even though i was grown up, I would always be her baby (I'm the youngest of six). That's the kind of thing that makes kids feel special, and loved, and I think sharing the love your mom had for you with your own little ones will help keep her memory alive, you know?

[kchiapet95]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I could reach to Hawaii and give you a hug.

[Angel1111]

I read your whole post and I think it's beautiful that you have so much love for your mom, and that you have such a supportive family. I lost both my parents about 6 yrs ago - they died 8 days apart. It's like they were there one day, then gone the next. It was so shocking that it took months for me to even grasp it. So I know how you feel and I know the thing about cancer because my mother went through it. I'm so sorry, sweetie, there is no loss like losing your parents. It will take time and you will realize that so much of her lives inside of you and in your heart. In some ways, it feels like my parents are still with me. I wish I could take away your sadness. It just takes time. Our thoughts are with you.

[jenmom22]

Oh my gosh. I'm just sobbing into my laptop. I told the kids (7 & 11) to put themselves to bed because I just couldn't stop reading. You do whatever you have to do to get through the day. Aside from losing a child, a daughter losing her mother must be just devastating.

Not sure where I saw this or read this but I just loved the idea. It sounds like your daughter is still very young and never got a chance to really know her grandmother? I know there's a company that makes teddy bears out of pieces of clothing. So you could pick out a few items of your moms that really remind you of her and make a teddy bear for your daughter to sleep with. I think they call them "Angel Bears." You tell your daughter that grandma is now her personal angel watching over her. I'm sure it will become something that both of you will treasure forever.

I'm going to investigate the name of the company and I will let you know, if this is something you might want to do.

You are a "Daughter Warrior".

hugs,

 

jen

[Bufzookie]

You know, I've hurd of that teddy bear thing before a few years back. It never crossed my mind, well since I'm still kind of in shock over losing my mom just a month ago.....

 

I would really like that info. That's a great idea. My little girl is only 3, My mom died 20 days before her b-day this year, so unfortunitly she won't remember her when she gets older. That in its self is heartbreaking but I'll try my best to share how much of an incredible women my mom was. My Mom was really proud of my little one, and I want her to feel it when I tell her about her memmere. Not have it be a story of my mother but have her almost feel my mothers love for her through my words. You know what I mean?

 

I wish I had enough in me to tell all of you how incredible my Mother was. I'm sure, being her daughter I must be a little biest....but no...she was someone you would of loved to have in YOUR life. She touched so many people with her laugh, sence of humor, spirit, talent, work and love. She truly was Wonder Women in real life. Its almost mindboggling that she died.

I guess God needed that presents with him.....she is one of the most beautiful Angel's he could ever aquire.

[Bufzookie]

I cryed a lot today. I woke up this morning being sick from my cold and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so lonely.

 

Its hard not being able to call my mom and get comforted. I can't even call my husband because he's in Iraq right now. Today was a hard day.

[JamesM]

My condolences and sympathy in these very difficult times. Words cannot express adequately what I would like to say.

 

I am 44 years old as is my wife. Your mother was almost exactly the age of my wife. This could be us. I read your post and experienced a lot of emotion as I placed myself in the shoes of your father. Losing his wife was very difficult for him as well as losing your mother was for you.

 

I feel some of the loss that you do. While I have not yet lost my mother, I can only imagine the pain you feel.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I cryed a lot today. I woke up this morning being sick from my cold and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so lonely.

 

Its hard not being able to call my mom and get comforted. I can't even call my husband because he's in Iraq right now. Today was a hard day.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

I wish I could say it gets easier, but I lost my father a year ago, and my H lost his mother 8 years ago, and we both have days we'd like to talk to them.

 

So we do.

 

We talk to them.

 

I like to do it outside at night. I think a great amount of comfort comes from believing that physical death is not the end.

 

Hugs to you.

[Bufzookie]

I had someone I don't know, come into my post and edit out names......places and one of my very heartfelt replies to one of you because they said someone flagged my content. That I am not allowed to write my Mothers name.....or anyone in my familys. I didn't write down a last name or address anywhere on my post......but they went in and erased and edited my post.

 

Not that its bad enough that I had my Mother erased from my life forever, but I can't even share with any of you, her name. Her identity, which is very real and very much missed. I don't even know if they will even keep this post on here for very long because it might be a violation to talk about your post being editted and your "feelings" about that.

 

I wanted to find a place where I could have support and understanding, but I do feel very distressed over all of this. I'm so very disapointed in this site and the person who "reported me". How could someone do that to a grieving person. I Just lost my Mother, what else do you want to take from me??

[JamesM]

I Just lost my Mother, what else do you want to take from me??

 

I understand the pain you are going through and it seems that everything is working against you, but it isn't always true. Losing your mother is one of the most difficult things you will ever experience in life...no question. It seems no one can really understand the pain.

 

I have not lost my parents yet, but I have lost another member of the family who was real close. The grief that I experienced made it difficult to deal with the daily activities of life, and everything people asked or demanded of me seemed so insignificant to me. It was simply hard enough for me to get out of bed and eat a little, and these people were asking me to pretend as if my life was normal.

 

Here the moderators need to keep the privacy of all members. They do this to protect us from all possible intrusions into our lives. It is not a matter of the moderators somehow trying to erase your mother's memories or somehow attempting to minimize your heartfelt expression of grief and love for your mother.

 

They do not want you to lose your privacy, too.

 

Personally, I wondered, too, about the names you used. It is easy these days to identify people with so many internet sites available. I am not sure if you are concerned with staying anonymous on LS, but with the information provided, you could have been identified.

 

Again, I know it may be hard to believe that a total stranger can have such sympathy to you in your grief, but my heart really breaks for you. Not only could your mother have been my wife, but you could be my daughter.

 

Please keep coming here during your grief. I have found many people here to be very supportive and understanding as they have been down the same path in the Valley of Grief. It can be some consolation to know that others really do know the deep sense of loss and pain that one experiences at the loss of not only such a close friend but the mother who was the person that guided you and comforted you through life's many troubles and sadnesses. And now here in the time of one of the greatest griefs you will experience in life, the one who could be the greatest comfort is gone. This is the time to reach out to others who have been in such terrible grief.

 

If I can say one thought that may provide some little comfort, it would be that in time the grief will dissipate and the fond memories of your mother will remain.

 

Words cannot express what I feel inside. The death and illness of your mother has made me realize that every day with my wife and family is something that I should cherish...even when the times seem bad. Know that your mother has touched my life, too. Know that your expressions of love to your mother that you have given to us...by privileging us with her life story...has made a difference in my life as well as others who have read it.

 

For that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[Deegee]

Bufzookie,

I am the one that the moderator's deleted my name (which is the same as your mothers....so WE both know her name, and it shall NEVER be forgotten....), and I understand the reason. (privacy).

And, no, no one can ever take anything away from you. Your mother is and shall always be...your mother.

Take all the time you need to grieve, and remember also the happy times that you both shared. No one will ever be able to take that away from you.

Don't forget, one day at a time.

HUGS to you...D

[Bufzookie]

I had a dream that was amazing.....I just had to share it.

 

It felt so real that I couldn't believe I was a sleep for this but, in my dream I woke up in the morning like I always do. I hurd my daughter playing around in her room, so I desided to Let our dog out before I went and got my Princess up. I hurd footsteps all around my kitchen and dinning room area, but thought nothing of it. My in-laws sometimes come in and feed my dog or let her out so I though I would see one of them. I walked in and there was someone I didn't know, bending down on the ground picking up some dog hair and puting it in the trash. When the person turned around, it was my mom!!!! She was beautiful but had no hair, I guess in my head I still associate her with the Cancer treatments she had. well, ....

 

My eyes whelled and I said to her "Mommy, what are you doing???". She calmly put the dog hair in the trash and said to me "Well, someone has to pick up around here". Still in shock to who I'm looking at I walked heavely but quickly over to her and grabbed her by the shoulders and looked her in the face with tears coming down my face. "Mommy?" I said.

Then she grabbed my face gently and said to me "Its okay baby, I'm okay and I love you. Tell Leah to be a good girl and that I love her. Its okay hunny, you can wake up now.".................

Then I........

 

I woke up!! My heart was racing and I just started to cry. I got out of bed slowly and walked into my daughters room and asked if she wanted some food. Like any normal 3 year old, she ran out screaming. "FOOOOOOODDDD". lol

 

When I caught up to her, she darted down the stairs to our sunk in living room and ran to our book case.

Since I just moved in, its empty but I have one Shelf full of things of my Moms. Her guest book from both Memorial's she had, her office marble name plat, her old passport,government ID and a barrett she used to wear in her hair.

 

My daughter grabbed my mom's Id and said "Memmere" (its said like Mem-meh)Its french for Grandma. then she pointed to me and said "Mommy!! that's Memmere!". At that moment I felt that that dream was really somehow my mom reaching to me. Telling me that she was fine and that she loved me and Leah. I bent down and said "that's right, thats My Mommy" and my daughter said to the id card "I chu!!" (thats how my daughter says I love you. Then she ran away to go play with her matchbox cars!

 

Then I looked around my house and thought, wow, it is a little messy in here.....(nothing horrible but to my mothers standards.....It was not "MOMMY CLEAN". lol). So I've spent all day today, cleaning and doing laundry thinking of my mom and just feeling a little more at ease. I know Its going to be a roller coaster of good and bad days for a long time, but I just had to tell you guys about that dream. It was incredible!

[Eve]

.. Beautiful .. simply beautiful.

 

*Choking back tears*

 

This is something to defiantely hold onto. I am glad that you have had this

 

I love your mommy!