DealingWDrama Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 For those of you following my situtation...Monday the OW text saying she was not pregnant .... then yesterday - literally out of the blue, she text to my H saying: "My pregnancy/baby have nothing to do with you. I do not hate you, I just don't care about u. I want to go home and have my baby with my family. I will not ask for child support. I need you to contact me one last time to tell me that you and your wife will not show up later." There was no reply given... I think she is trying to ease her way back into his life and him not contacting her is driving her crazier and crazier....
Owl Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Again, is there no way he can change his number to prevent keeping caught in this drama?
Author DealingWDrama Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 I think if he changes his cell number she will start calling him at the office again and leaving voice mail. When I first found out about the affair I kicked him out of the house...he ended the affair in September of last year...I heard a voice mail message from her saying "I know you think we should walk away and not look back, but I love you and I believe you love me..." Obviously, the affair resumed again because it is a year later and she is still attempting to contact him and we have the 'pregnancy' situation at hand... I think she is trying her best to resume contact with him. He says he is done - but I am starting to wonder why he isn't pursuing the legal ways to establish no contact. He says that there is nothing that can be done to stop her from taking off and never allowing him access to the child. His biggest fear is having a kid out there in the world and not being able to be a parent to that child.
OWoman Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 His biggest fear is having a kid out there in the world and not being able to be a parent to that child. DwD, it sounds to me like a pretty irrational fear at this stage. Firstly, he'd need to establish (1) that there is a kid out there, and (2) that that kid is in fact his. Neither of those conditions exist yet. It should be reasonably simple, given the ongoing harassment, to have a court order that the truth on both of those matters be established. Then, if she does turn out to be pregnant with his child, he can sue for some kind of custody or access, and commit to whatever financial requirements for child support, but until then, this "child" is nothing but a threat - and quite possibly a hoax. He could take a stand on the matter and have it resolved one way or another, if he really wanted to. It strikes me that his inability - or unwillingness - to act signals some deeper ambivalence. Perhaps he's not yet willing to take on the full measure of his responsibility on this, and follow through with all the consequences of his choices so that his decisions stick?
Author DealingWDrama Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 OW - I'm with you completely on that!!! I think that acting legally with make this 'real' to him. Right now - it's still a little secret and his reputation with his family and friends hasn't been distorted...only his character has been tarnished in my eyes and in his own.
Owl Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I think if he changes his cell number she will start calling him at the office again and leaving voice mail. When I first found out about the affair I kicked him out of the house...he ended the affair in September of last year...I heard a voice mail message from her saying "I know you think we should walk away and not look back, but I love you and I believe you love me..." Obviously, the affair resumed again because it is a year later and she is still attempting to contact him and we have the 'pregnancy' situation at hand... I think she is trying her best to resume contact with him. He says he is done - but I am starting to wonder why he isn't pursuing the legal ways to establish no contact. He says that there is nothing that can be done to stop her from taking off and never allowing him access to the child. His biggest fear is having a kid out there in the world and not being able to be a parent to that child. Again, there's no reason he should have ANY contact with her. OK, I have an opinion that I don't think many posters here really share, but I'll throw it out there anyway. Just because he [insert rude reference to sexual intercourse here] some woman doesn't entitle him to being a father of any children born of that act. Sorry...being a father, a 'daddy' is EARNED...its not a right. He made a choice to stay with you and rebuild your marriage. Part of that means NC...of any kind, whatsoever...with OW...for life. He can't do that if he's co-parenting a child. Frankly...if my wife had "been" with OM, and a child had resulted...and she or he insisted that he be part of that child's life...we'd be divorced and there would be NO chance for reconciliation. As far as her calling him at work...actually, that's a good thing. Then he can use his employer to help enforce NC, by making it a legal issue if she calls him there. I'm SERIOUSLY starting to wonder if this is all still going on at his behest...I wonder if all this drama is feeding his ego, and he's getting addicted to it all. Something in this situation needs to change...so that this finally ends. Otherwise, you're going to keep running the risk of a resumed affair...or live in this drama for a long, long time.
Author DealingWDrama Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 The affair resuming is in the back of my mind....if it wasn't I would be in complete denial and totally crazy. His actions are showing that the affair is over and that he really wants our marriage to work. He isn't contacting her, she is contacting him. I want it to stop. Changing phone numbers seems like the right way to go...I'll ask him to do that. I know he is prideful and doesn't want to allow her to 'change' his life anymore than she already has....we will see what happens.
jj33 Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 DWD why is this all on your shoulders? I know you want to move heaven and earth to make your marriage work but what is HE doing to ensure there is no more contact? I appreciate that he is busy with work and that you are facing this as a team, but you seem to be the "Mom" stepping in to look for a PI, to call the attorney, etc etc etc. He put himself in this position by having an affair and worse by resuming it after you had taken him back. How do you reconcile that? And I would agree with Owl on the no contact. Its a very difficult emotional issue to think of a little child out there with a distraught unbalanced mother and no ftaher but unless she goes after him for child support, this would seem to be a nonissue. Why is he so insistent on letting her call the shots on what happens in the relationship? If its a moral or religious issue, he could hire an attorney, find out whether she is pregnant and go for custody. And you as a couple are ready to accept the possible eventuality of child support but not to hire an attorney? Sure you dont want to spend more money than is absolutely necessary but... something isnt right here. Your H doesnt sound very good at taking responsibiity. He sounds like he looks to you to make the rules, to fix things etc etc. Yes different people have different strengths and he is the father of your children but it sounds like you are shouldering most of the burden and having to be the "adult" to his child. Maybe it is worth it to you to save the marriage despite all this but it sounds like he is not being accountable. Maybe that is just one of the realities of a marriage, one person is stronger than the other and that in and of itself is not a reason to give up on it. You sound like a wonderful woman and only you know in your heart whether this stacks up.
Lucky_One Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I don't see why you don't get your cousin to write her a letter and tell her to establish pregnancy so that future visitation can be set up, and to stop contacting you for any reason unless it has to do directly with the child?
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