sweetbutcheeky Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Sooo disappointed in this guy I went out with tonight. Background info just a short date because my grandmother is having surgery. Decided to go out to distract myself and also won't be going out again until after I know she is ok. (removing cancer, which he knows about and is also in the medical field which is what also made me thing he would more caring) Before we met he was great on paper: both have qualities each other are looking for, both find each other attractive and both looking for a relationship. He seemed serious about finding a good woman that fitted what he is looking for and also. Also made sure that I knew that before being in a relationship he wanted to exchange medical information. So these things made me think he had good potential. All was going well, did a lot of chatting and go to know more about each other, were sitting in the car talking and he goes in for the kiss (ok yes didn't ask if he could like the last guy), then starts feeling up my breast, crotch and then starts asking is I want to feel "him", saying he is really attracted to me (wanted to show me how much I guess). Later on asked me if he wanted to make me cum and give him a BJ. Until he went "there" I was thinking there was potential with him and he was one of the good ones. Wants a BJ (even asked if he would get one on the second date) on the first date, never mind the day before my Grandmother is having surgery! Guys why? This is my biggest problem with dating, they can't keep it in their pants so to speak long enough for me to get to know them and for them to show me they have potential! P*ssed off!
monkey00 Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Isn't that the same guy you didn't have chemistry? I thought you didn't want to lead him on, yet you want to be friends. I think you're sending the guy too much mixed signals, what's he supposed to do?
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Isn't that the same guy you didn't have chemistry? I thought you didn't want to lead him on, yet you want to be friends. I think you're sending the guy too much mixed signals, what's he supposed to do? No different guy. Agreed to be friends with the last guy. The guy tonight went in for the kiss, last guy asked if he could. A note about kissing on the first date, I don't have a problem with it if there is a mutual attraction, chemistry and just happens but it doesn't feel right if they ask or if out of he blue when you both don't really even know each other. If you don't really know me or have any feeling or anything why would you want to kiss? For the hell of it? (never mind the rest of what this guy wanted to do!)
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 What a loser. Creepy. Other than being a pig. I can't believe that we went for all that knowing I had my Grandmother on my mind and am worried. Even if you say the sexual part is just being a guy, but tells me he isn't a sensitive person which I would want in a partner. Even though he tells me everything will be fine and understands I will be mentally preoccupied this week.
D-Lish Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Seriously- forget about this one. Most guys want sex, and will take it on a first date if they think they can get it. But- given the circumstances.... that's poor form. This is a red flag. Trust your instincts.
Lucky_One Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I can't stand guys who keep pushing for things sexually, after you make it clear that you aren't in the mood for kissing and messing around. Doesn't sound like a keeper. (But as a side note for the future, you might want to consider ending the date if he kisses you and then goes for the T&A after you tell him to stop, rather than waiting for him to push it even further.)
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Seriously- forget about this one. Most guys want sex, and will take it on a first date if they think they can get it. But- given the circumstances.... that's poor form. This is a red flag. Trust your instincts. When I asked if he was talking about wanting sex tonight he said no (but did ask when) but wanted a BJ 100%. He says it's the same as kissing which I told him it was not at all! I see it as a red flag too. I'm not a prude or anything but have wondered what is the line, how much can be mentioned regarding sex on a first (or first few dates) before it's a red flag that the guy is just interested in sex and once he gets it will move on? With this guy I would 100% gone out with him again and was interested until he grabbed my breast and wanted me to give him a BJ. (Grandmother having surgery or not)
Trialbyfire Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 were sitting in the car talking and he goes in for the kiss (ok yes didn't ask if he could like the last guy), Everything's fine up to here. then starts feeling up my breast,This is the point where you block him and using no uncertain terms, that this has exceeded your boundaries. The rest after this point shouldn't have happened. Don't give off mixed or weak signals. Guys will push as far as they can push. You can't be hesitant, then get pissed off afterwards about insensitivity. Also, if you've already had some steamy convos via IM, text or phone, pre-date, you can't pull back on the date.
D-Lish Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 When I asked if he was talking about wanting sex tonight he said no (but did ask when) but wanted a BJ 100%. He says it's the same as kissing which I told him it was not at all! I see it as a red flag too. I'm not a prude or anything but have wondered what is the line, how much can be mentioned regarding sex on a first (or first few dates) before it's a red flag that the guy is just interested in sex and once he gets it will move on? With this guy I would 100% gone out with him again and was interested until he grabbed my breast and wanted me to give him a BJ. (Grandmother having surgery or not) No- it's selfish of him. Putting your mouth on his cock is not the same thing as kissing... lol. My senses say he's a no-go. That would have turned me off the moment he mentioned such a thing. regardless of whether or not I had family problems. First date- grabs your boob? noooo way. Kissing is fine- boob grabbing and trying to entice a BJ is a red flag. That's slimy.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 I can't stand guys who keep pushing for things sexually, after you make it clear that you aren't in the mood for kissing and messing around. Doesn't sound like a keeper. (But as a side note for the future, you might want to consider ending the date if he kisses you and then goes for the T&A after you tell him to stop, rather than waiting for him to push it even further.) I agree. Re the side note, we were chatting after dinner in the car before he was driving me home. So after I shut down his BJ dreams he drove me home.
vonerik012 Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 He had no respect for you, and wanted nothing long term with you. Where did you meet this guy?
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 No- it's selfish of him. Putting your mouth on his cock is not the same thing as kissing... lol. My senses say he's a no-go. That would have turned me off the moment he mentioned such a thing. regardless of whether or not I had family problems. First date- grabs your boob? noooo way. Kissing is fine- boob grabbing and trying to entice a BJ is a red flag. That's slimy. Ya I was ok with the kiss even though took be by surprise, but once he grabbed my boob I was really disappointed in him and just went down hill from there. I meet guys in all different places, different looks, ages and so on. This is a perfect example of what they end up being like. They seem to be different than the last, had potential which is why I give them a date. But this slimy guy is what I end up with. Am pissed off and wonder why I keep trying and how I give another guy a chance.
IrishCarBomb Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Guys why? Generally speaking, it's an inflated male ego. Men like this are confident and tend to look at women as subservient. What I hate is that this behavior tends to be validated. Many (but certainly not all) girls will give in to his premature advances because either they are attracted, or hope that giving into him sexually will create a deeper connection between them. All in all, I think you're right to think of these as red flags. An overemphasis on sex tends to support the view that people are tools for a function to be accomplished. In other words, a relationship has a function to satisfy each other sexually. This is certainly true in a literal sense, but ideally the relationship goes much deeper. The sexual urges aren't just a demand that your significant other satisfies; instead, you both share the experience, and connect in a way that goes beyond just satisfying needs. By going in too early, he's just looking to satisfy his ego or his sex drive, without really looking to connect with you. It's a poor basis for a potential relationship.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 He had no respect for you, and wanted nothing long term with you. Where did you meet this guy? I met him online, he contacted me on a dating site then talked by email. Though have met "this guy" on the bus, at a cafe, grocery store and so on, just haven't known I met him again until we have gone out and pull something like this. The more I think about it the more p*ssed off, frustrated and feel like giving up on dating anymore.
Vertex Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 You gotta give him credit for having the balls to do something that selfishly retarded so early on. I promise you not all guys are like that -- don't give up on dating!
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Everything's fine up to here. This is the point where you block him and using no uncertain terms, that this has exceeded your boundaries. The rest after this point shouldn't have happened. Don't give off mixed or weak signals. Guys will push as far as they can push. You can't be hesitant, then get pissed off afterwards about insensitivity. Also, if you've already had some steamy convos via IM, text or phone, pre-date, you can't pull back on the date. Breast and crotch was at the same time (2 hands) and that is when I cut him off so there wasn't anything after this point except for him asking and talking about it. Will I, when will I and so on. The answer was always no. We never talked about sex except for sharing sexual stats (when were tested last). Which is why I was surprised because he said he wanted to exchange that info before being in a relationship (not just before sex). Generally speaking, it's an inflated male ego. Men like this are confident and tend to look at women as subservient. What I hate is that this behavior tends to be validated. Many (but certainly not all) girls will give in to his premature advances because either they are attracted, or hope that giving into him sexually will create a deeper connection between them. All in all, I think you're right to think of these as red flags. An overemphasis on sex tends to support the view that people are tools for a function to be accomplished. In other words, a relationship has a function to satisfy each other sexually. This is certainly true in a literal sense, but ideally the relationship goes much deeper. The sexual urges aren't just a demand that your significant other satisfies; instead, you both share the experience, and connect in a way that goes beyond just satisfying needs. By going in too early, he's just looking to satisfy his ego or his sex drive, without really looking to connect with you. It's a poor basis for a potential relationship. I whole heartedly agree, but I don't think he would understand most of that once so ever.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 You gotta give him credit for having the balls to do something that selfishly retarded so early on. I promise you not all guys are like that -- don't give up on dating! I haven't met one that isn't so no offense, will believe it when I date one. I have been here before, few creepy loosers ago and for some reason I decided to accept another date but here I am wondering why I did. I guess I had a break in between which made me feel the want to be with someone again and give it another chance. I was mistaken because I forgot that they are always the same, not matter how good they seem to be!
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Ewwwww. Sounds like a sex addict. Please don't let this one creep's predatory behaviour make you feel bad about yourself. You did nothing to bring this on. He was trying to take advantage of the situation. Stuff like this has happened to me. There are good guys out there. And what's this about exchanging medical information? Was he going to do genetic counseling on you if you continued to date, to make sure you would pop out perfect babies? That sounds a little weird, especally written on a dating profile.
RecordProducer Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Guys do that when they have no respect for you. They might be jerks, but what should interest you is how you ended up giving them the green light to go farther than you wanted them to. You can and should control the situation. First of all, always be dressed decently and slighly conservatively (whenever you want to leave a good impression, not just for dates!). Secondly, if you want to be treated like a lady, act like a lady. That doesn't mean act cold and shy; just preserve some distance and formality. Next, let body language say 'it was a nice evening, now take me home.' If he reaches for your breast, you didn't do a good job. I am not telling you this to make you feel like a slut; the game of dating has rules and you better learn to play by them if you don't want every man to treat you like a slut. Also, don't ever feel compelled to do anything that you don't feel comfortable doing. Feel free to use the word NO.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Ewwwww. Sounds like a sex addict. Please don't let this one creep's predatory behaviour make you feel bad about yourself. You did nothing to bring this on. He was trying to take advantage of the situation. Stuff like this has happened to me. There are good guys out there. And what's this about exchanging medical information? Was he going to do genetic counseling on you if you continued to date, to make sure you would pop out perfect babies? That sounds a little weird, especally written on a dating profile. I don't feel bad about myself or that I did anything. Just mad at the guys because I have yet to meet one that isn't like this. By the medical stats he meant when you have been tested last for stds and so on. He told me this in an email not in his profile. Guys do that when they have no respect for you. They might be jerks, but what should interest you is how you ended up giving them the green light to go farther than you wanted them to. You can and should control the situation. First of all, always be dressed decently and slighly conservatively (whenever you want to leave a good impression, not just for dates!). Secondly, if you want to be treated like a lady, act like a lady. That doesn't mean act cold and shy; just preserve some distance and formality. Next, let body language say 'it was a nice evening, now take me home.' If he reaches for your breast, you didn't do a good job. I am not telling you this to make you feel like a slut; the game of dating has rules and you better learn to play by them if you don't want every man to treat you like a slut. Also, don't ever feel compelled to do anything that you don't feel comfortable doing. Feel free to use the word NO. So your saying that I gave him the green light to act this way? I don't think there is any excuse to act this way. No matter how I act or dress. That's like saying someone dressed like a slut is asking for being unwontedly touched or raped. There is no way that it was anything that I did or didn't do that make it ok for him to grab my breast. For your info I was dressed appropriately, acted like a lady, shut him down when he started acting that way, but it didn't matter. If a man doesn't have respect for a woman it doesn't matter. I don't feel like a slut or bad about it at all. But I am appalled by your response.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Guys your not helping me believe that there are guys that aren't like this out there. Today I got a private message here on LS from a guy asking if I would be his phone sex friend!
Jilly Bean Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Guys your not helping me believe that there are guys that aren't like this out there. Today I got a private message here on LS from a guy asking if I would be his phone sex friend! Was it Coaster Chris, by chance? Sweet - you can meet great guys and dirtbags anywhere. Good and bad men exist online, in clubs, at the post office. Dating is a numbers game...
Replicant Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I don't feel bad about myself or that I did anything. Just mad at the guys because I have yet to meet one that isn't like this. By the medical stats he meant when you have been tested last for stds and so on. He told me this in an email not in his profile. Toronto is a big city, so to paint it so badly isn't practical because of a string of deadbeats. I think you need to figure the common denominator in all of this, and you may have your answer. I think it may have more to do with where you are meeting these people. All this online banter just sets the stage for no hangups sex, some guys trying to be more cunning than others to get the endgame... Anyways the whole medical info exchange was to validate his green light to get in your pants. Why else would someone be so quick to know such things, actually overstepping bounds in such a question. Respectful behavior would have not ended up in a date in such a fashion, let alone knowing your grandmother was in the hospital and how you felt that night. Maybe changing dating tactics is the best thing you could possibly do for yourself.
Capricciosa Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Guys your not helping me believe that there are guys that aren't like this out there. Today I got a private message here on LS from a guy asking if I would be his phone sex friend! Well, I don't know, we often find what we expect to find. I went on a bunch of online dates last summer, and not one guy behaved in the way you described. One who was too touchy feely in a more mushy way was immediately sent packing. So maybe your attraction to give gave him that green light--who knows. That might be all it takes for him to pounce. The guy I'm now dating exclusively came out of that batch of dates, and we went out at least 7 or 8 times before he got that grabby, and that was when he got the green light from me. I don't know. I used to exude this come-and-get-me aura when I was physically attracted to someone, but I seem to have turned that down volume-wise, so I am treated differently, which suits me fine. If you're exchaning dates of std tests, you are talking about having sex, and sex is as much of a relationship as anything else--it's just fleeting. Not appropriate dialogue with someone you've never met, or who you are on a first date with. So, not all guys are like that, but maybe you're unconsciously attracted to the pushy types (the last one was also pushy, though in a different way). Look at who you are accepting dates with, and then maybe try someone different from that so you might have a different experience. But definitely, we get what we expect, so stop expecting the worst of people.
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