My Girl wants a Relationship Break after 3 years.....

[nymets2008]

I hope you guys/ladies don't mind reading all of this, just wanted to throw everything out there.....

 

My girl and I have been on a break for a little over 3 weeks (3+ year relationship), she is 24 and I am 23, and she needed space because she's so stressed and unhappy inside because of all the other situations in her life (lost her job, has no goals, depression runs in her family, has no self confidence, etc). She loves her mother dearly but she [mom] married some idiot without her families approval (they all dislike him) and has been unhappy ever since, and during this break she tried to reach out to her mother and she doesn't respond because her mother is unhappy as well which makes my girlfriend even more depressed.

 

She is a stubborn person in that she feels she wants to figure everything out on her own, and I feel that will only consume and confuse her even longer and prolong this break. Deep inside she told me she just feels so cold-hearted because of all of these ongoing issues that she needed a break because she can't fully give her all to someone if she can't fully love herself. We hung out the past week after a few weeks separated but she tells me that she is still trying to figure things out in her life. I asked her if she wants to be "single" and thats not what she wants, she doesn't want to be with any guy right now, she just wants to figure her identity out (ie have some structure with a new job, better family relationship, etc).

 

She is pushing me away and tells me she doesn't understand why (she even calls herself a terrible person and a b!tch for doing so), and the funny this is her parents got divorced because her dad did the same thing to her mother (and her dad tells her that). She even feels so bad for me that she even said that maybe I should go out and date other people as difficult as it would be for her....I just told her straight up that's not what I want and I'll wait but I have my limits you know? She is basically doing a lot of soul searching right now to find that individual identity and happiness (so she can't handle a relationship right, she forgot what its like to be alone and figure things out on her own).

 

It is selfish of her to string me along of course since she calls me/texts me from time to time after a couple of days to check up on things, and update me on how she is doing (even meet up sometimes to talk and have a drink or 2). We love each other a lot, but there are a lot of open wounds that need healing right now with myself. I told her I can wait for her but everyone has their limits, Its just different cause normally I don't care about women, but when you feel strongly about someone its difficult. She feels very strongly about me and always has, and despite the issues we may have had (she always complained I wasn't as supportive as I should have been, that I was too much of a father figure with her), I helped her understand that i thought I was doing the right thing and had no bad intentions, and that is something I have changed about myself since this break was a wake up call.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation? She needs "space" yet hits me up every few days or so to check up and see how I am doing and what not and updates me on how she is doing (no progress on her part as of yet, but is her contacting me a good thing?).She constantly tells me shoe loves me, adores me, respects me, misses me (she tells her cousin that as well, and he tells me since we are close friends).....but I don't know what to make of all this.

 

We hung out this past sat and had a good time talking, had a few drinks and almost had sex but she stopped herself because she said she isn't ready yet (and it would cloud her mind even more). Do I just start picking and choosing which phone calls/texts to reply to and start giving her some real space so she can miss me enough, or do I stay there and show her support because she obviously needs some at this time despite her having this wall around her saying she wants to figure things out on her own.

[nymets2008]

anyone?

 

: (

[Davey McG]

She will never want to go out with you again if she knows that she can call you whenever she wants. She'll just use you as a safety blanket until she finds someone else.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but you're going to have to stop being there for her - stop being a chump. She left you and she won't give you a reason. You need to take this opportunity to better yourself. Go out, have fun. Don't be there at her beck and call. Start seeing other women - she has given you explicit permission to do so.

 

The minute you stop waiting for her and getting on with your life is the minute she pulls her head out of her behind. She may want to get back with you, but she may not at this point. However, you'll have improved your own life and will be feeling better about things generally.

 

In short, stop supporting her and she can really see what it is like to be without you.

[stillafool]

Tell her lame ass to stop calling you if she wants space. She is just keeping you on hold until she decides what she wants to do. If you don't stop her from calling you now you are going to be even more hurt down the road when she starts dating another guy after keeping you on hold. Let her go and start dating other girls - that is if you want your old gf back.

[nymets2008]

I mean, at this point I'm just going to pick and choose which phone calls and texts to reply to, only reason I am there for her is because she is miserable and is drinking a lot to cope with things, when you love someone and care for them deeply you just want to be there for them you know?

 

Everyone has their own limits when it comes to waiting, its not like she calls me constantly, we haven't talked for a two weeks and she would text me to see if I was alright and let me know how shes doing (she has spent time with her dad and family to help herself as well, and I even told her to spend some time away from friends for a change and she has done so, so she is trying to better herself and not BSing).

 

We hung out a few times last week but after Friday I've been giving her the space she wants, if she reaches out to me I'll keep it brief but the next time I see her I will have to ask her to be honest with me about things, if she still wants to be with me after all this, things we could do to better our relationship, etc. She even said she would consider going away from everything and takign a vacation with me down the line, so maybe that will help her a lot because its been long overdue for the both of us.

 

...and don't get me wrong, I wont sit around and mope waiting for her calls, I am going out, hanging out with friends whenever I can, working part time and doing some volunteer work, etc.....but when you care for someone so deeply (she cares for me a lot as well and feels terrible for what she's doing), you always hope they can overcome their own turmoil.

[Davey McG]

I'm just going to pick and choose which phone calls and texts to reply to, only reason I am there for her is because she is miserable and is drinking a lot to cope with things, when you love someone and care for them deeply you just want to be there for them you know?

 

Love should be two way. She wouldn't have hurt you like this if she loved you. She NEEDS you as a security blanket. She DOESN'T LOVE YOU.

 

but when you care for someone so deeply (she cares for me a lot as well and feels terrible for what she's doing), you always hope they can overcome their own turmoil.

 

If she felt that terrible, she wouldn't be doing acting like she is.

 

Actions speak louder than words and her actions are screaming! Grow a pair and she might actually start wanting to be with you again. Go out, have fun and, as she says, date other girls. You might have fun and get your girl back (though don't hold your breath on that one).

[bish]

I hope you guys/ladies don't mind reading all of this, just wanted to throw everything out there.....

 

My girl and I have been on a break for a little over 3 weeks (3+ year relationship), she is 24 and I am 23, and she needed space because she's so stressed and unhappy inside

 

If she were unhappy because of things other than you, then wouldn't you think that she'd need you now more than ever?

 

"I need my space" is usually code for "I want to date other people".

 

She wants her "space"?? Give it to her. Permanently!

 

Don't be available for her for her little drop ins to check up on you. She is keeping you on a string. Cut the string and find someone who won't play games with you.

[nymets2008]

Everyone is no negative on this board lol, not every single break means a break-up or the person wants to date, she wants to be alone right now with her roomates. She is overwhelmingly stressed about a lot of things because of the lack of structure in her life, and she feels we both need to get back on track (i lost my job as well).

 

Next time she calls and asks to hang out, i'll be there and just try to show my support and plan out what we can do because she really needs some guidance, just have to stay positive,

[bish]

Everyone is no negative on this board lol, not every single break means a break-up or the person wants to date, she wants to be alone right now with her roomates. She is overwhelmingly stressed about a lot of things because of the lack of structure in her life, and she feels we both need to get back on track (i lost my job as well).

 

Next time she calls and asks to hang out, i'll be there and just try to show my support and plan out what we can do because she really needs some guidance, just have to stay positive,

 

then by all means, let her call the shots, do as she wishes and all is well that ends well. Sounds like you already know what you want to do. You don't need people on a forum to give you their opinion then.

[EmperorR]

were not negative it's the truth, let her go stop being a doormat. The I need space want to be alone need to find myself not sure is the classic line. Go nc strict no contract. Your free now enjoy it I'm just starting to yes I miss and love my ex but I'm not sitting around beginng pleading or being some do he bag friend.

[Davey McG]

Everyone is no negative on this board lol, not every single break means a break-up or the person wants to date, she wants to be alone right now with her roomates. She is overwhelmingly stressed about a lot of things because of the lack of structure in her life, and she feels we both need to get back on track (i lost my job as well).

 

You are naive. People on this board have been through all of this before...many times. You get to pick up on bull poop from ladies (and gents) very quickly. You don't have some miracle relationship that will last forever and the excuses she's giving you are taken right out of the "How to screw around while keeping your chump on a leash" textbook. Just do a search and you'll find many similar threads on these forums. Sorry it sounds harsh, but you seem to not be embracing reality.

 

Next time she calls and asks to hang out, i'll be there and just try to show my support and plan out what we can do because she really needs some guidance, just have to stay positive

 

You may get some to spend time with her, but the more you answer her calls and respond when she clicks her fingers the less she'll respect you and before you know (assuming she isn't already), she'll be riding some bad boy whilst you sob into your beer asking your friends where it went wrong.

[nymets2008]

Like I said, it varies from person to person, its not like you guys are stating false things, but that's not always the case with every scenario.

 

In the end I will go with my heart and just do what I have to do, she lacks structure in her life and I'm gonna help her out with that....because even if she still needs space after that, when she does regain that structure (job/school,etc), she'll know I helped her along the way because right now she just wants support.

 

How could she say NO to help better herself, she would greatly appreciate the fact that I am helping her because she really doesn't have much support. If she is unwilling to accept what I have to say or accept my guidance, then she is not the one for me, simple as that.

[SoundTribe]

you are making a mistake. Don't end up like the 2007 and 2008 Mets teams.

[nymets2008]

Put it this way.....she wants guidance in her life and is stressed out because she wants to figure things out on her own yet always holds herself back (she is very impatient yet holds herself back, she contradicts herself too much), plus the drinking and her roommates provide a huge distraction..

 

Next time we hang out, i'll pretty much tell her what we can do to get both of our lives back on track, and it will have to involve both us being there. If she accepts then all the better, if she is iffy or unsure still, then I know she is not the one for me because if she doesn't want to help better herself or allow me to, then I'm done with it and I know I have it a shot.

[wayfaerer1]

nymets,

 

People are going to tell you the worst case scenario because you need to be prepared.

 

You can tell yourself it's not a big deal, and that may be the case, but remember you can't control her feelings, and there was obviously a reason she wanted to end things.

 

My ex basically wanted to see other people and I'm pretty sure was just losing interest in our relationship, she wanted to stay friends with me, partly because I think she may have wanted me for a back-up plan and partly to relieve her guilt for deciding to end things. I played that game for about a week or so and then finally told her we can't be friends right now and that we shouldn't talk for a while.

 

You might want to do the same, and I know your situation is different than mine, but honestly "no contact" is the one sure way of knowing whether or not she's going to want you back.

 

If you stick around for her to talk to, she's still going to feel like you're "there" even though you're not technically together.

 

Make her realize you're really gone - she'll know what she really wants then and how badly she wants it.

[nymets2008]

^ I understand what you mean, but please check my last post.

 

The reason for the break is to get her life back on track...she is stubborn in that she always wants to figure things out on her own. So, I'm going to discuss some things I thought about the next time we do hang out if we do (and reassure her that its up to her). If she's open to it, then we work things out...cause the plan will have to involve both of us. If she is still confused or unsure, i'll give her a few days to think about it....if she is still unsure I will cut ties with her and move on.

[lkonohalanbu]

^ I understand what you mean, but please check my last post.

 

The reason for the break is to get her life back on track...she is stubborn in that she always wants to figure things out on her own. So, I'm going to discuss some things I thought about the next time we do hang out if we do (and reassure her that its up to her). If she's open to it, then we work things out...cause the plan will have to involve both of us. If she is still confused or unsure, i'll give her a few days to think about it....if she is still unsure I will cut ties with her and move on.

 

 

I'm sorry, but I am going through this right now. My ex of 1.5 years of a great relationship decided she needed time to find herself, guess what? I found a picture on myspace through her friends of her in another guy's arm that was a blow to my ego. I love the girl, but damn she got me good, you need to let go and move on with your life. NC all the way, if they love you, they will be with you, simple as that. She wants time to herself to date other guys, you seem fairly young and I admit I am too. She wants to go out and not have anybody to answer to.

 

You need to move on, don't fall for it, that's because you need to read her actions, not her words. Everybody told me that she wanted to see other guys, but I kept believing her because she said she will come back when she finds herself. She said I was the best bf ever, she loves me and I will always have a place in her heart. Less than 2 months later, picture of her and the new guy, OUCH, don't be like me man, move on now, you don't want to hurt later! As they say, don't be her doormat or plan B, show her that you are strong and don't need to put up with her drama.

 

If she really needed to find herself and if you are always supportive, why would she leave you? It doesn't make sense, she's leaving to test the waters with other guys! Don't be jaded and let love blind you. Face reality that she dumped you, doesn't want you and is probably talking to a new guy right now. Do not hope for the best, hope will drive you insane, be a realist and accept that it's over. Walk through hell right now and don't wait on doing it later because you only make the journey longer by delaying the inevitable.

 

Good luck!

[nymets2008]

Well like I mentioned before,her complaint was usually about the lack of support on my part, and our lack of communication. Us men are not mind readers so she would never communicate if something truly upset her. Secondly, I admitted that I was a bit too much of a father figure and didn't show her as much support as I should have (more like a father and not a boyfriend), and I admitted to that mistake and she understands that. She wasn't that perfect either though but we always got along great and enjoyed each others company and love.

 

Now, I wont be her doormat or plan B, when she finally does reach out to me again, I will wait a few days and respond like I do to any other person. If she's being honest with me about this break then she would be more than willing to hear the plan i have that would benefit the both of us and would be eager to make things work, if she is still confused about it then I can't be with someone who wont help themselves, and cut ties with her then. I will give her a day or 2 to think it over and just go full out no contact breakup and move on (I am already preparing for it trust me).

 

If she is being dishonest that's another thing because she tells me that she doesn't even want to be with ANYBODY right now, she just wants to be alone with her room mates and figure things out on her own because she feels she lost that independence.

 

trust me, I am prepared for a breakup, I am not a sitting duck waiting for things to just happen, but you know what, today makes 1 month to the day, and if we do hang out say sometime next week, if she cant appreciate the fact that I have been understanding throughought this whole process, and am willing to help her out with a plan I came up with, then she is not worth it and I deserve much better. Sometimes she needs a good kick in the rear behind because like her brother, they don't motivate themselves out of fear (they feel they are not good enough).

 

I have a long weekend ahead of of just going out and having fun so I'm not no schmuck either.

[lkonohalanbu]

Well like I mentioned before,her complaint was usually about the lack of support on my part, and our lack of communication. Us men are not mind readers so she would never communicate if something truly upset her. Secondly, I admitted that I was a bit too much of a father figure and didn't show her as much support as I should have (more like a father and not a boyfriend), and I admitted to that mistake and she understands that. She wasn't that perfect either though but we always got along great and enjoyed each others company and love.

 

Now, I wont be her doormat or plan B, when she finally does reach out to me again, I will wait a few days and respond like I do to any other person. If she's being honest with me about this break then she would be more than willing to hear the plan i have that would benefit the both of us and would be eager to make things work, if she is still confused about it then I can't be with someone who wont help themselves, and cut ties with her then. I will give her a day or 2 to think it over and just go full out no contact breakup and move on (I am already preparing for it trust me).

 

If she is being dishonest that's another thing because she tells me that she doesn't even want to be with ANYBODY right now, she just wants to be alone with her room mates and figure things out on her own because she feels she lost that independence.

 

trust me, I am prepared for a breakup, I am not a sitting duck waiting for things to just happen, but you know what, today makes 1 month to the day, and if we do hang out say sometime next week, if she cant appreciate the fact that I have been understanding throughought this whole process, and am willing to help her out with a plan I came up with, then she is not worth it and I deserve much better. Sometimes she needs a good kick in the rear behind because like her brother, they don't motivate themselves out of fear (they feel they are not good enough).

 

I have a long weekend ahead of of just going out and having fun so I'm not no schmuck either.

 

I'm not saying you are a schmuck, I just have your best interest in mind. You have so many contingency plans, but really planning the unknown seems like a failure to me. I've been what you're going through, you ultimately know what's best for you, I just don't want another human being to go through the pain I have and still currently am.

 

Good luck and keep us updated, regardless of what happens, we're here to support you.

[nymets2008]

Brief Update.

 

Ever since the last time we hung out on Friday October 3rd, which ended up her holding off on sex when we got intimate because she said she isnt ready for all of this.....i did NC altogether.

 

She text me 2 weeks later (10/17) saying she needs to see me, and after I did not respond she text me again saying she doesn't blame me, and good night", and even called me a few times afterwards which I ignored. She text me again the following day stating she apologized for bothering me but stated it was very difficult not speaking with me. Keep in mind we are on a break that she wants, not a BREAK UP.

 

So I called her the next day (sunday) to see what she wanted. I was straight foward and asked her what her intention of seeing me was, if she just wanted to check up on me (which I would have kindly asked her not to contact me), or actually work things out. She stated she felt she made a mistake and wants to work on things, so we agreed to talk in person the next day.

 

She wasn't feeling too well the next day, called off from her late shift at work, and said we can meet some other time. I went to her area regardless since I was already closeby, we talked for 10min and nothing big. We were supposed to hang out tonight but all of a sudden she feels she stated that she doesn't feel any better in terms of being able to commit to a relationship at this very point in time, even stated that I should even move on and date other people because of the **** she's putting me through (she said its unfair for her to string me along).......all of this after she said she wanted to work things out on Sunday.

 

Now, I told her I have reached my limit, which is why she told me to move on since there is nothing she can do about it, but she had asked me if I could just give her these few days to really think things over since the relationship is pretty much on the brink. She even stated that since we're both busy during the week, that if I give her just these next few days she would like to go away with me for the weekend to actually spend an entire weekend of us 2 alone to really go over things and see what we can do, but she just needs these next few days.

 

Part of me is upset, but part of me does not want to lose her because we both love each other, people take breaks for different reasons and she has doubts things would work out because overall she doubts herself with anything in life (doesn't give things a chance, whether its school, work, etc, she feels she isn't good enough and thats why she gets depressed).

 

To me, this weekend would be the final straw to either make or break this relationship, if you really loved someone would you agree to doing the weekend thing to really have open communication and seeing you we could work things out, cause she's pretty much half and half right now trying to figure herself out.

[avenger]

From a guy perspective Either she is confused or has another guy she wants but dont want to make that leap yet. My ex pulled this and I caught her with another guy and made her chose him over me because I told her I was done with her. The look on her face was great. especially how she slammed the door to her apt

[Davey McG]

See my previous replies (and everyone elses).

 

This has happened before and will happen again. She's letting you down easy, keeping you on a leash and you're letting it happen. She's not trying to "figure herself out".

 

(she said its unfair for her to string me along)

 

Here, it looks like she's trying to be a bit more obvious. Walk away and keep your dignity. How did this weekend go?

[nymets2008]

Well we made an agreement on not seeing other people, she is obviously still torn whether she is able to commit at this very point in time, she is just confused at where she is in life, but she does want to go back to school this spring to thats a good first step (she needs some structure in her life).

 

But we spoke last night and I basically gave her an ultimatum (nothing harsh). I told her I am only calling her because she said she is willing to work things out, I can't have her flip flop one day with her saying she wants to work things out on day, then be confused the next and feel uncertain because she is AFRAID things wont be the same.

 

I basically told her we are either going to work at this together, which means communication throughout this week before we go away for the weekend (i don't think it would be a good idea to NOT speak and then go away for a whole weekend, we have to build into it you know), or if you still need space I wish to continue the no contact.

 

At first she didn't like the "pressure" but I told her she is in no position to complain about it since I've given her nearly 2 months already when she requested just a few weeks, so she said she wants to hang out tonight and the days leading up to this weekend to just continue talking and hang out.

 

Step 1 of a long rebuilding process but she is willing to work it out. This weekend could either bring us closer together and help us realize we want to be together, or maybe things wont work out. But at least I can live with myself if things don't work out because I can honestly say we both TRIED.

[Scooter25]

Dude, you said that she sees you as a father figure and I can see why. The girl wants space to figure it out, give it to her. Who are you to tell her she needs guidance?

 

"Put it this way.....she wants guidance in her life and is stressed out because she wants to figure things out on her own yet always holds herself back (she is very impatient yet holds herself back, she contradicts herself too much), plus the drinking and her roommates provide a huge distraction.."

 

You need to just move on for the time being. You really need to lay everything on the table and only once. For example, you yourself said everyone has there limits, so tell her to take her time, but you need to move on with life if she doesn't want you at her side through a rough time. I love you but I'm not going to be some doormat you can walk all over. And continue on with life because I can gurantee your going to be saying why did I waste x amout of time trying to help her when I could of been doing other things in my life. I know it's going to hurt but it is only going benifit you in the future.

[avenger]

Please dump her before she dumps you fully. By doing this you will get the upper hand in the self esteem dept.