lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 I need some real help here. We've been going back and forth for the last month or so, stay or go? Work at it or call it quits? I really would like to make a go of it, and I thought he did, too, so I printed off the Emotional Needs worksheet from marriagebuilders and asked him if he'd like to fill them out so we can at least gauge where we are falling short and figure out if we can, um, not do that anymore. So I filled out mine and he filled out his and then we swapped 'em for reading. I'm meeting all of his top five emotional needs. #3 in the satisfied column. Honesty, sex, admiration, domestic, and familial. Those are his top needs. He has little to no need for conversation, companionship, affection, financial support, or whatever the other one is, I forget right now. My top five consisted of honesty, conversation, affection, companionship and financial support. He's meeting ONE of mine, financial, but barely because I don't like the way he's doing it, what with the travel and being placed second after work. So I asked him, what can I do to encourage you to meet some of my most important emotional needs? And he said the worksheets were bull****. I've been crying all afternoon. I need some help from MP who have turned things around with an emotionally checked-out spouse. I'm at my end here, and there's four small children involved. If his top needs are being met, why isn't he happy? Why can't he give a little?
soserious1 Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I need some real help here. We've been going back and forth for the last month or so, stay or go? Work at it or call it quits? I really would like to make a go of it, and I thought he did, too, so I printed off the Emotional Needs worksheet from marriagebuilders and asked him if he'd like to fill them out so we can at least gauge where we are falling short and figure out if we can, um, not do that anymore. So I filled out mine and he filled out his and then we swapped 'em for reading. I'm meeting all of his top five emotional needs. #3 in the satisfied column. Honesty, sex, admiration, domestic, and familial. Those are his top needs. He has little to no need for conversation, companionship, affection, financial support, or whatever the other one is, I forget right now. My top five consisted of honesty, conversation, affection, companionship and financial support. He's meeting ONE of mine, financial, but barely because I don't like the way he's doing it, what with the travel and being placed second after work. So I asked him, what can I do to encourage you to meet some of my most important emotional needs? And he said the worksheets were bull****. I've been crying all afternoon. I need some help from MP who have turned things around with an emotionally checked-out spouse. I'm at my end here, and there's four small children involved. If his top needs are being met, why isn't he happy? Why can't he give a little? Say the words "divorce, aggressive attorney, alimony and child support"
LakesideDream Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I need some real help here. We've been going back and forth for the last month or so, stay or go? Work at it or call it quits? I really would like to make a go of it, and I thought he did, too, so I printed off the Emotional Needs worksheet from marriagebuilders and asked him if he'd like to fill them out so we can at least gauge where we are falling short and figure out if we can, um, not do that anymore. So I filled out mine and he filled out his and then we swapped 'em for reading. I'm meeting all of his top five emotional needs. #3 in the satisfied column. Honesty, sex, admiration, domestic, and familial. Those are his top needs. He has little to no need for conversation, companionship, affection, financial support, or whatever the other one is, I forget right now. My top five consisted of honesty, conversation, affection, companionship and financial support. He's meeting ONE of mine, financial, but barely because I don't like the way he's doing it, what with the travel and being placed second after work. So I asked him, what can I do to encourage you to meet some of my most important emotional needs? And he said the worksheets were bull****. I've been crying all afternoon. I need some help from MP who have turned things around with an emotionally checked-out spouse. I'm at my end here, and there's four small children involved. If his top needs are being met, why isn't he happy? Why can't he give a little? Hm... pop psycology quiz's are interesting and dangerous. L&F, are "conversation and companionship" REALLY among your top five "emotional needs"? As a male, I see "companionship" as something I give and receive from friends. I go with companions to Basketball games, or fishing, maybe to an auction or sporting goods store. Conversation is something that happens at work, church, functions, out to dinner. When I am in love with a woman I don't want her to me my companion, I want her to be my lover, the owner of my heart and life. It wouldn't occur to me to ask her to be a "conversationalist" as an important emotional need. Ditto, if in love I don't look to my lover for "companionship". When I' with her I want the contact to be far more important and powerful than contact I have with "companions". I don't know what the available catagories are, however my five top desires in a committed romantic relationship would probably be. Honesty, the ability to play and have fun together, to be the most important person in her life, to be sexually compatible and satisying, and ... hmmm... to be financially stable enough to enjoy the other four. I'll bet I would fail your test too. Men are not like women. We get the greatest pleasure out of leaving the cave at dawn, slaying a beast, and beating our chests with pride, and dragging the carcass home for dinner, making the fire, enjoying the feast, and having out worlds rocked on the furs by our lover. Everything else is somewhere down the list.
LoyalGirl Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I'll bet I would fail your test too. Men are not like women. We get the greatest pleasure out of leaving the cave at dawn, slaying a beast, and beating our chests with pride, and dragging the carcass home for dinner, making the fire, enjoying the feast, and having out worlds rocked on the furs by our lover. Everything else is somewhere down the list. Yes, but f the woman in your life desires and craves conversation from her spouse, shouldn't she be able to expect that you'll try hard to meet that need?
OceanBlue Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Hm... pop psycology quiz's are interesting and dangerous. L&F, are "conversation and companionship" REALLY among your top five "emotional needs"? With "four small children", they probably are top emotional needs. Never underestimate the value of a conversation with an adult. And a recap of your day (assuming he even listens to it) does not constitute a conversation.
Ronni_W Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I'll bet I would fail your test too. Men are not like women. She already "passed" HIS test, though -- she is fulfilling the needs that HE identified as his 'top five'. For both of them, it is passed being about theoretical differences between men and women, in general -- they've already done the assessment based on their actual, individual, unique, self-identified needs. Her husband identified his needs for HIMSELF...and she is meeting them. In any event, it's not about passing or failing an assessment. It is about the reasonableness of expecting that one's long-term partner/spouse recognizes individual responsibility in developing and nurturing one relationship that supports, encourages and fulfills BOTH participants.
LakesideDream Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Yes, but f the woman in your life desires and craves conversation from her spouse, shouldn't she be able to expect that you'll try hard to meet that need? Loyal and Ocean, I don't think of conversation as an emotional need. It's more intellectual exchange, or societal currency to me. Chatting about politics, kids, local events over dinner, breakfast, or a tv show is a part of any relationship. I can't imagine just sitting silently. I wouldn't be in love with, committed to someone I couldn't communicate verbally with... so NO it's not an emotional need for me. It's a part of everyday life.
Lucky_One Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Loyal and Ocean, I don't think of conversation as an emotional need. It's more intellectual exchange, or societal currency to me. Chatting about politics, kids, local events over dinner, breakfast, or a tv show is a part of any relationship. I can't imagine just sitting silently. I wouldn't be in love with, committed to someone I couldn't communicate verbally with... so NO it's not an emotional need for me. It's a part of everyday life. But it's a need for OP. Should she change her needs bc you don't like it or need it? I think that partners should try to meet their partner's needs. Period. If your partner needs something that you don't care to provide, then don't be surprised if he/she finds it somewhere else. I personally am a big fan of Marriage Builders. Sound principles, if you are willing to do the work. I wish you luck!
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Hm... pop psycology quiz's are interesting and dangerous. L&F, are "conversation and companionship" REALLY among your top five "emotional needs"? I don't know what the available catagories are, however my five top desires in a committed romantic relationship would probably be. Honesty, the ability to play and have fun together, to be the most important person in her life, to be sexually compatible and satisying, and ... hmmm... to be financially stable enough to enjoy the other four. Yes, they are! His explanation for not meeting my need for conversation was, "I talk to people all day long at work." (he's in sales; so am I, but just recently. Before that, i was a SAHM) "The last thing I want to do is come home and talk some more." So I pointed out to him that he's expending all his energy for talking on strangers, leaving none for nurturing what should be the most important relationship in his life. of course, then it goes back to the 'slaying beasts' you refer to...which I understand, completely. I just want SOME of that energy. SOME. The part I bolded in your second paragraph quoted is what I'm talking about, companionship. Playing and having fun together equals companionship, right? After the kids went to bed last night, he came to me on his knees, taking back all the horrible things he had said earlier, making a whole slew of new promises and I'm tired of it. Hopeful, but doubtful. It's a roller coaster. (lol...he even said, "We're going to have our ups and downs, but as long as we stay on the track, we'll be fine.")
toughchoices Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 He probably lashed out after realizing his shortcomings in the relationship. Best of luck and keep us updated.
2sunny Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 He probably lashed out after realizing his shortcomings in the relationship. Best of luck and keep us updated. and the fact that he doesn't intend to make an effort to change and/or make it any better. he may not be capable of expressing love and emotions. the decision is up to you. he has stated that he doesn't intend to change and it's up to you whether or not you are willing to live your life this way. in other words - take it or leave it.
TabulaRasa Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 With "four small children", they probably are top emotional needs. Never underestimate the value of a conversation with an adult. And a recap of your day (assuming he even listens to it) does not constitute a conversation. I don't have four small children, and conversation is definitely a top emotional need for me, and, I would imagine, for most adults. In any case, somebody who's going to lash out at you for attempting to look into problems in the relationship doesn't sound like somebody who's apt to be too willing to work on the relationship.
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 I don't have four small children, and conversation is definitely a top emotional need for me, and, I would imagine, for most adults. In any case, somebody who's going to lash out at you for attempting to look into problems in the relationship doesn't sound like somebody who's apt to be too willing to work on the relationship. I agree. That's why i asked for advice from folks in a similar situation. I know there's one on here, but I don't remember his username and can't find the thread.
desertfire Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 I don't have 4 children, but can only imagine that 4 children would be more than enough to kill an appetite for conversation when returning home from a day at work... Kids take work (nothing new there ). In your previous posts you don't make any mention of his involvement in helping you with the children or the other support factors he plays in the dynamics at home... Although this may sound fundamental, are you two taking the time to make time for each other ? go to the movies a date, or some other extra-curricular distraction that would help you two find your space?
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Although this may sound fundamental, are you two taking the time to make time for each other ? go to the movies a date, or some other extra-curricular distraction that would help you two find your space? You'd think it would be fundamental, but the answer is NO. I've tried, then I get accused of being controlling and telling him what to do and when to do it, but seriously, if i didn't make the plans, no plans would be made. He brought home a gift certificate for a restaurant (one of his job perks) a year ago and I'm still waiting for him to take me. It expires in November. He actually called a counselor today. We didn't set anything up with her, though, because she won't take our insurance because she 'feels that it's an invasion of privacy if an employer or plan administrator knows that you've sought counseling.' What a crock, eh? WE don't care who knows! She just doesn't get paid as much through insurance. But he took it further and got with the insurance company and got a list of approved counselors in our area who take our insurance. Now if he'll just make those calls.
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