Girlfriend's parents straining relationship!

[jibajuice]

Hello all, this is my first post!

 

My girlfriend and I are currently on a break after 8 months of dating, the last two of which have been long-distance because we are going to separate medical schools. I am 22 and she is 21, and I know I'm deeply in love with her and she is with me. She is the sweetest, funniest, most caring person I have ever met, and I can see myself being with her in the future. The problem is, I am Chinese and she is Indian, and her family is very conservative. My family is pretty liberal and doesn't really care who I date, but her family, especially her dad, would have none of that. So far, I've been kept a secret from her family, but we've gotten to the point where this secrecy is getting to be a strain on our relationship. I've never experienced the behavior of a conservative/traditional family, so I'm trusting her when she says that her dad will blow a fuse and possibly disown her, and after reading similar stories of such happenings on these forums, I think that it's a possible reaction.

 

Although she loves me very much and we have amazing chemistry, we are each other's first real boyfriend/girlfriend, and she is still quite young and inexperienced. She has told me that she wonders if she will miss out on anybody if we ever get to the point of marriage, and because of the cultural differences between us, her primary concern is that she will have to endure hell/disownment from her parents if she stays with me, so her thinking is, how do I know there's not an Indian version of you out there so that I won't have to deal with my parents if I find him? She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She worries a lot about that, and I guess the family situation puts a lot of stress on her. But I feel really comfortable committing to her because I know that I can be really happy with her, and I have no problem with the idea that I might not ever experience other people because I know that what I want is her.

 

About a month ago, we decided to take a break where we only talk once a week until December so that she can think things out and decide what she wants, and she wants to tell her dad about us when December rolls around. She is very attached to her family and loves them very much, and it's just tearing her apart that she might have to choose between me and her family. We were just fine before long-distance started because we were more carefree and kind of lived in the moment, but as soon as we moved apart, all of a sudden it seemed like things got really serious really quick for whatever reason, I guess due to the commitment involved in making long-distance work and we really started thinking about our future really hard, which is unfortunate because we've been together for such a short period of time that it seems like the circumstances make us move faster than we want to.

 

I think that I've been as supportive and understanding as I can with her situation. It just kills me because I wish that I could take the brunt of her parents' hostility and not her because I think I could handle it, and I hate to see her torn like this. I think a big reason in all this is that she says Indian family ties can run really deep, which is ironic considering how willing her dad might be to disown her, and I'm almost afraid that she will never establish independence, or at least assert that she is an adult and can make her own decisions with her life, and that her parents will control her as long as they're alive.

 

We've talked about what could happen in December, and right now she says she doesn't know what she'll decide. But I told her that she'll have one shot at me, that if she decides that she can't handle being with me, then I won't wait around for her in the next few years to mature or become more independent because it's not fair for her to string me along like that. I want to move on if she feels she can't be with me. Also on top of that, we're both in medical school 600 miles away from each other, so we'll be too busy to really keep in touch with each other if our hearts aren't in it, and when we graduate there's a small chance we'll end up in the same area unless we're in a relationship and coordinate our careers to intersect in the same city, so this really is her only shot at me.

 

After a month of break, she says all she can do is think about me and she misses me so much. Usually if we ever break from our once-a-week talking rule, it's her that initiates with an email, text, or phone call. It drives me crazy sometimes because we're inherently really good for each other, it's just the culture barrier that keeps us apart, and it would break my heart to lose her to something like that. I personally think she's afraid to be so committed to someone at such a young age, and with the parental stress on top of that, I think it's just overwhelming for her. But that's me seeing the world through my rose-colored glasses; I really don't think the underlying issue is my personality or character or basic compatilibility.

 

The only thing she says that worries me a little bit is that when we were together and sometimes when she would see me, she would look at me and be kind of surprised, like "oh wow, you're my boyfriend." She says it sometimes hasn't sunk in that we're together and that I'm really hers. I don't know what to make of this, but part of me thinks it's that this is her first relationship and I kind of just dropped into her life all of a sudden (we weren't really friends and hardly spoke to each other before we were a couple), or that she has some mental barrier in the back of her mind always telling her that I'm Chinese, and her entire life, both hers and her family's expectations was that she would be with an Indian. But I simply don't know what to make of it.

 

So basically I'm just looking to see if you guys have any insights on what she might be thinking or going through, or any advice on what I can do in this situation because I essentially feel powerless since ultimately it's her decision to make. And I'm wondering what can be accomplished with this break, she told me that she appreciates me more after this one month, and I guess I'm hoping that these periods of no contact will let her know how big a part I am in her life. I just feel really confused and scared for our future a lot because I just don't know what's going to happen. If you made it to the end of this long post, thanks for taking the time to read it through, I really appreciate it!

[Scottdmw]

It's a tough one. I was engaged to a girl who ended up breaking the engagement because her parents didn't like me. There wasn't even a cultural barrier or anything like that, they just didn't like me, and it tore my ex-fiancee apart a lot of the time.

 

Nevertheless, this can also tear _you_ apart. I think you're taking the right approach. Give her some space to make up her mind and a reasonable amount of time, like a month or two. But, at some point if I were you I would insist she either break up or tell her parents and deal with the fallout. It'll be tough on you if she decides against you either before or after telling, but not as bad as if you keep on for another year or whatever and then have her leave you if she realizes she can't take her parents' disapproval.

 

If she does decide against you you should try to actively move on and find someone new. If she is wishy-washy, don't make it too easy for her to get you back, though maybe not impossible either. Don't let her string you along even if she seems really sincere--I went along for a period of years when my ex was insisting she would marry me no matter what her parents said, and she may have believed it herself sort of, but I was never really convinced. I've read cases of couples being together 10 years and one still not "really sure" they want to stay.

 

Best wishes,

 

Scott