smithsonjake Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 heres some real honesty for you... last year i had an affair, with a girl i had just met, drank alcohol and slept with her, now i had been married for 8 years, so i thought id be honest about it so i came home and told her everything. she said i dont know if i ever will be able to get over this. 4 months later she says i dont want to have sex with you anymore, i need to disconnect from you. shortly later she moved into an aparment, with our 2 kids. she had sex with 3 men in the cousre of a month. so i continued to beg her to resume our relationship, after time we started back together. so now, im living with her, she doesnt want to have any sex with me, and says shes "all in" regarding our marraige. so im very sexualy frustrated. been thinking about having sex outside our marraige-quietly- meaning im not going to tell her about this time. Am i just confused or stupid to have an affair... thanks for your response:confused:
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 I guess you two never went to marriage counselling? If you cheat again, it's divorce time, she won't give you another chance. So, why not divorce instead of cheating? You can have shared custody of your children.
Author smithsonjake Posted October 5, 2008 Author Posted October 5, 2008 its divorce time... i hate the idea of that. what about old marraiges, when there were issues but they stayed married for 50 years...
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 And women were in the kitchen, cooking and looking after the children, not working, and cleaning the house. Men would eat and then go "out" for the rest of the night...... I'm betting that your wife is NOT a woman like that, and nor would she put up with you disappearing. If you want an affair, TELL her, so maybe both of you could have an open marriage.
joybean72 Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Have either of you two considered what this is doing to your children? Pretty selfish on both parts if you ask me! If she is "all in" like she said, and you are the one that begged her back....pulled your heads out of your own butts and go to counseling. DO THE HARD WORK! P.S. & don't go looking elsewhere just cuz your d#%k is hard! JMO.
LadyDi Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 So was she honest with you about the 3 men she has slept with? Or did you find out some other way? If she's doing the same thing you did, get counseling or a divorce. If she's all in on the marriage, why isn't she having sex with you? That's part of being "all in".
Lookingforward Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 So was she honest with you about the 3 men she has slept with? Or did you find out some other way? If she's doing the same thing you did, get counseling or a divorce. If she's all in on the marriage, why isn't she having sex with you? That's part of being "all in". I was wondering about that part myself.
RecordProducer Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Hm... all in, but no sex. How was the sex before you cheated? I am guessing not much fun. If she changed completely and is suffering because of your short drunken affair, then the relationship is over and there is no genuine marriage or "all in." But if everything is resumed but the sex, she is either using it as an excuse (because she isn't horny) or is waiting to heal from your infidelity or will be angry at you forever. In each case, you need to talk, maybe go to marriage counseling, and agree on how things are going to develop. How was your marriage before the affair?
confused999 Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 You cheated on your wife of 8 years and you honestly believe she would be over it after only 4 months? She was probably shook to her core when you told her of your cheating, and her sleeping with a few men so rapidly may have been her way of trying to make sure she's still attractive, and/or to try to get revenge (as if that would make anyone actually feel better). Not the healthiest choice on her part, but neither was yours to cheat on her in the first place. Marriage counseling is definately in order. Further, it's not incomprehensible that she doesn't want to sleep with you at this time. She's still extremely angry and hurt. She doesn't trust you. How can she want to share her body with the one man who is NOT supposed to hurt her, but did? Eventually she may be able to, with your support and empathy -- and that means you should definately not go sleep with anyone else, quietly or otherwise! You'll be playing a very dangerous and immature game if you do so, and who will really suffer? Your kids. Their future relationships will suffer, as well as their relationships with both of you. Yes you're confused but it sounds like you can stop yourself from behaving stupidly!
Reggie Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I agree, 4 months is nothing> I've read it takes 2-5 years and there are no guarranties. Lots of very hard work and counseling to heal this. Seriously, do you really think she is anywhere near past the immense pain in 4 months? You've got a long way to go and lots of hard work if you want to stay married.
Owl Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 its divorce time... i hate the idea of that. what about old marraiges, when there were issues but they stayed married for 50 years... Then go to marriage counseling to fix your marriage, instead of considering boinking some other woman. Yep, you can work through issues in a marriage. And wonderful marriages can last 50+ years. But...if you're wanting to stay married and continue to cheat on your wife for another 42 years, don't you think that you might want to reconsider your gameplan???
Author smithsonjake Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 That would be my thought too. I dont fully understand why there isnt sex, If im all in then everything is all in. And yes i do believe she is going thru a time of numbing, life certanily isnt always easy. People can be so cold hearted sometimes
Author smithsonjake Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Fair at best, sex was fun, pretty steady, our relationship has always struggled with the both of us enjoying much different things
Author smithsonjake Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Your advice is both inteligent and warming- thank you
Author smithsonjake Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 I believe she isnt thru this- but what about me? lets think for a moment- i screwed up, then confesed, just like your supposed right?! then she leaves me and sleeps around, now im probably more confused than she is/was
Author smithsonjake Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 No I asked her- she didnt want to talk about it but i then told her- be honest... i did. She then stated she worked with a guy, met another at a bar, and another thru Craigslist one night.
Owl Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I believe she isnt thru this- but what about me? lets think for a moment- i screwed up, then confesed, just like your supposed right?! then she leaves me and sleeps around, now im probably more confused than she is/was What about you? This was all a consequence of your choice to have an affair in the first place. If she decides to divorce you because you cheated on her...that too is a consequence of your CHOICE. Think about it. Some people can't heal from the pain and devestation that happens as a result of their spouse's choice to cheat. It happens. YOU put her into that position to figure out which group she falls into...those who can recover, and those who cannot. No one is forcing you to stay married either. If you don't like the situation...if she's crossing a boundary with you because of the lack of physical intimacy...then you too have the option to divorce. This is really that simple. Maybe not easy...but the list of options is that simple to sort through. Go pick up a book..."Surviving an Affair". Read it...ask your wife to read it. Its your best bet to save your marriage at this point.
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