pebbles_bambam Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 i've been with my boyfriend for little over a year now, and i spend most of the week at his place. the other night i was logging onto my hotmail on his laptop when up pops this msn conversation window from someone- up the top it says 'read entire conversation thread.' me, being the nosy girl i am, click and open. what it opened absolutley destroyed the last 15 months of my life. my boyfriend and this girl (an old friend of his) had had two hours of online sex, with her webcam, and the entire sexual conversation was sitting in front of me. a conversation which details exactly what he would do to her if he were there. a conversation aimed at her sexual satisfaction, and he succeeded. and the worst part is, it was like he had taken all of it from our private life. things he would do to me, he wanted to do to her. they talked about me, about not letting me find out. i was just so incredibly shocked and hurt. this is not him, he is not like this. serves me right for being so nosy, but i doubt he would have told me anytime soon. we are so close, he is my best friend and the sweetest guy i have ever met. i love him so much. no one would ever suspect him capable of doing this, and he is hurting bad right now. im just so god dam angry that something so perfect was destroyed and im not sure what to do.
Author pebbles_bambam Posted October 5, 2008 Author Posted October 5, 2008 yea, he cried and sobbed like a baby. felt like a different and pocessed person he says. says he'll do anything to make it better, can't lose me etc. i believe he's sincere- hard part is figuring out how the hell it happend in the first place! so incredibly out of the blue.
officegirl Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 If I had to guess, I'd say that selfishness is the root cause of it. One woman's affection is not enough to feed his ego. A lot of people would say that you have 2 options at this point. 1. Dump him. Move on because he'll only do it again. 2. Demand full disclosure from now one. Because of what he's done, he's lost all privacy privileges. And obviously, this long time friend has to go. I don't know girl. I think I'd have to cut him loose. If I were in your situation, there'd be no way for me to recover from the loss of trust. Out of curiosity, were there any signs at all? Does he have affectionate relations with women in general? Does he seem to thrive on flirtatious encounters?
Author pebbles_bambam Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 No signs that I was aware of. In all honesty we have an amazing, loving relationship. Like best friends, we spend every free minute together. I doubt he'd do it again, but then again a week ago I would have told you that he would absolutely not do something like this...but then he did. Before me, there were a few 'potentials,' as he calls them, but nothing ever happened, nor have they affected our relationship in any real way. I hate this so much, he has been my world for the past year and I can see he's regretting it with all his heart, and is just as confused as me as to how it all came about. It's like we're both sitting with our heads in our hands, screaming what the hell!!! And where did this come from?!!! I know he will tell me everything that happens now, and I also feel you're totally right in saying that about his ego. I have always had a feeling he liked the attention. Perhaps it's an immaturity thing, maybe he needs time to grow up. But when it comes down to it, I really would do anything to forgive and forget, I truly cannot imagine myself without this person in my life.
TigerCub Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I'm very sorry for you pain. It is tough to lose trust in someone you love. He may have cried and he may be sorry, but I think that whole line about not knowing why he did it, and that he just felt like a different person and all that is just crap. Who's to say he's not going to feel 'possesed and like a different person' some other time?
officegirl Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 You sound like you really do love him. Which brings up something my dude and I were talking about the other night. No relationship is hardship proof and certainly not affair proof. Anyone can cheat and anyone can get cheated on. No one wants these things to ever happen in their relationships BUT the person you pick to be with forever has to be someone that you can get through the bad times with. It's not about picking the one person who will never hurt you. It's about picking the person who you want to go through it all with. Good times and bad. What a dirtbag thing to do. I think you should tell him that you don't want to hear another word about how he's confused as to why he did it. If he wants to keep you, he better start trying to figure out why he strayed. Only then will he know how to prevent it from happening again. Not knowing why sounds like and probably is, an excuse for not wanting to talk about the ugly truth: i.e. his bottomless pit ego. Stand your ground here. I understand why you don't want to leave him but you've got to at the very least make him get real about all of this. Good luck and I want to say that I'm so sorry for your pain. It can't be easy living inside your mind right now. Keep your chin up. You sound like a sweet person. And remember, this is about him. Not you. Don't get caught up in trying to figure out what you could have done to prevent this. That's his task.
D-Lish Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I can see he's regretting it with all his heart, and is just as confused as me as to how it all came about. It's like we're both sitting with our heads in our hands, screaming what the hell!!! And where did this come from?!!! I am sorry, but I think it's naive to think he is an innocent guy who made one little mistake and is now claiming "wow- this isn't me, what happened??" He's regretting it because he got caught and I am betting that if he didn't get caught, he would have done it again. He probably will still do it again. Betcha a million dollars there is porn on that computer as well. I know I am being the negative poster here... and I am sure he truly is a nice guy.... but he may just have a sexual side he hasn't fully diclosed yet. I married the "nice boy" After our divorce I found crazy porn pics and stuff I would never have expected him to have on our computer. It shocked me- and I had known him for almost 8 years. Seriously- never in a million years did I expect him to have that much explicit porn. The weird thing is that I wouldn't have cared- he just never communicated it to me. He was catholic and felt so much guilt about liking sex.... so he hid his needs and felt shame for having thoughts that human beings have! His nutty mother didn't help either.... "Sex is for procreation...lust is bad"... I'd have an open discussion about sex with your guy. Ask him about his needs and fantasies, etc. Let him know he can tell you anything. Sometimes "nice" guys grow up feeling ashamed about being a horn dog... (Catholic guys especially). Now that he has been caught doing this... I am sure the guilt is greater, the shame even worse. If you truly think he is a good guy and worth the effort- have a very frank discussion about sex and his needs. Make him feel comfortable about talking to you - without judgement. I could be wrong... but if I am- it means he is just an a$$. This doesn't mean you don't "know him"... it might just be a part he hides.
Trialbyfire Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 When trust has been compromised this badly, I'm uncertain what's worth saving. Decide if you want to proceed but understand that in order to proceed, you have to lay out some hard boundaries, then be fully prepared to trust him again. If you assume the gatekeeper role, you'll find that it would do far more damage to you than walking away now.
Author pebbles_bambam Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Yea, thanks for all the input. I'll have a wee think and a chat to him. I've been the friend on the outside looking in before, but my god it's a different story when it's you. All I can do is what's best for me. Only I know what is worth saving, and I think it is.
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Who is this old friend of his? If you are going to give him a chance to make this up to you, to prove he can be trustworthy again, he has to tell that 'old friend' to disappear and say goodbye. He needs to block her and delete her or open a new email account.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 D.T.M.F.A. !!!!! (any other course of action would be unfair to all others)
Caitlan Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 QUOTE: this is not him, he is not like this. serves me right for being so nosy, but i doubt he would have told me anytime soon. we are so close, he is my best friend and the sweetest guy i have ever met. i love him so much. no one would ever suspect him capable of doing this, and he is hurting bad right now. im just so god dam angry that something so perfect was destroyed and im not sure what to do. This is him..you just didn't know about it. I'm sure that this was not the only chat he's had and it's possible there have been phone conversations too. Guys that do this always get upset when they have been caught... but he wasn't feeling sad while he was cybering with this other woman. I've been through this... and so have many others I've talked too. The chances are not good that this will stop. It may.. he actually may stop, but the odds are that once things die down he will be back online with her again. This is cheating.... its not face to face that you know of but he is talking sex with other woman.. who cares if its not in person.. would it be ok if he was talking to her while seated in a bar or club? And webcamming??? are you kidding? Just because it's online doesnt mean anything as a committed person doesn't get online and talk sex or strip with someone else. Be vigilant and check his computer ongoing.
crazy54 Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 I completely understand how you're feeling pebbles_bambam. I have been with my bloke for almost two years and though things have been hard over the last year, mainly thanks to my health, I have spent the whole night drinking and crying after finding out he's been more or less cybering with a random woman. Not only that but he has been texting her too and talking to her about coming down to London and getting a hotel room. We've been having trouble as I developed severe eczema all over my body about a year ago and so, although the creams have finally calmed it down a bit, my self-esteem has been at rock-bottom for some time. I started to get jealous as he is a natural flirt but he started jokes at work which involved him talking about some other woman's breasts, and then started focusing his attention on Facebook about a girl a month. I believed I was being irrational and so tried to deal with it but things came to a head when on a night out after he'd let me down again a girl followed me into a toilet cubicle and started kissing me. It went a tiny bit further, but after a few seconds I realised what was happening and ran out crying, at the point he had arrived at the club. My friend told me to not tell him what happened but I told him straight away and for the next week I was in limbo, with him trying to go on a spur of the moment trip with a mate to Ibiza rather than telling me where I stood. By the end of the week and after time apart he told me he didn't want to lose me and that we can work through things. I was still jealous since, but only because he'd pay other women far more attention than me, but I never thought he'd ever do anything that constituted cheating, especially as he assured me he wasn't bothered about what happened before. We signed a two-year contract for a gorgeous flat and moved in a few weeks ago. What had been a strain on me was the fact that our relationship had always been open and honest - we even had all eachother's passwords! - but he kept changing his password randomly and only giving it to me after I'd nagged him, after he'd deleted all messages. He even added that 'social me' thing and I kept finding strange applications like 'compare hotness', which, with my self-esteem, didn't make me feel great. He changed everything again and I got really down cos I saw he was visiting these sites, which are essentially dating sites, frequently, though he assured me he wasn't flirting and just meeting mates who were in the same line of work as him. I got suspicious when he finally agreed to give me his password but deleted the applications before I could see and added Windows Live Messenger, which I had always tried to get him to add so we could talk when I was away, and kept that password secret, but conceded, like he had led me to believe, that I was just being paranoid and I was the one who needed to sort myself out. I added software yesterday morning to make myself realise that he talks about normal things and I'm being silly, but when I checked it last night I saw he'd waited till I'd gone out and then spent the night flirting outrageously with a woman he doesn't even know, telling her things he wants to do to her and receiving similar messages from her. It made me feel sick. After reading the whole conversation I was somewhat relieved cos it meant that there was nothing wrong with my instincts, but absolutely devastated. We'd just started to get things on track and he's ruined it all. I just don't know what to do. I know what I should do but I feel so lost.
Vertex Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 A couple presses of the Enter key would have made that behemoth dump of a post about ten times easier to read. Paragraph indentations are your friends. To answer the OP, he's probably only upset because he got caught. He likely would have not ever told you, and would have probably kept doing it. If you guys want to stay together and make it all work, he's going to have a lot of explaining to do, and you are going to need to set some hardline boundaries if trust is EVER going to be reestablished.
soconfused01 Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 I know no one can tell you to leave and have you listen but yourself. I think you need to watch him without him knowing it to see if he's just paying your lip service of regret and reform. I wouldn't ask him for his passwords online or anything like that. I would install a keylogger, and get them yourself. If he knows you have his passwords, he just won't act up because he knows he's being watched.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 D-Lish, I was going to say exactly that (and quote that same line). Believe me, he is not wondering "where did this come from"; he knows exactly where it came from. It's not some girl he met that day on the street, it's an old friend. Things/feelings like that don't just come from nowhere and recede into oblivion. They're there, whether you want to accept it and deal with it or not. Have some self respect and don't just blindly forgive him for CHEATING on you because he cries after he gets caught.
Amiss Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 I completely understand how you're feeling pebbles_bambam. I have been with my bloke for almost two years and though things have been hard over the last year, mainly thanks to my health, I have spent the whole night drinking and crying after finding out he's been more or less cybering with a random woman. Not only that but he has been texting her too and talking to her about coming down to London and getting a hotel room. We've been having trouble as I developed severe eczema all over my body about a year ago and so, although the creams have finally calmed it down a bit, my self-esteem has been at rock-bottom for some time. I started to get jealous as he is a natural flirt but he started jokes at work which involved him talking about some other woman's breasts, and then started focusing his attention on Facebook about a girl a month. I believed I was being irrational and so tried to deal with it but things came to a head when on a night out after he'd let me down again a girl followed me into a toilet cubicle and started kissing me. It went a tiny bit further, but after a few seconds I realised what was happening and ran out crying, at the point he had arrived at the club. My friend told me to not tell him what happened but I told him straight away and for the next week I was in limbo, with him trying to go on a spur of the moment trip with a mate to Ibiza rather than telling me where I stood. By the end of the week and after time apart he told me he didn't want to lose me and that we can work through things. I was still jealous since, but only because he'd pay other women far more attention than me, but I never thought he'd ever do anything that constituted cheating, especially as he assured me he wasn't bothered about what happened before. We signed a two-year contract for a gorgeous flat and moved in a few weeks ago. What had been a strain on me was the fact that our relationship had always been open and honest - we even had all eachother's passwords! - but he kept changing his password randomly and only giving it to me after I'd nagged him, after he'd deleted all messages. He even added that 'social me' thing and I kept finding strange applications like 'compare hotness', which, with my self-esteem, didn't make me feel great. He changed everything again and I got really down cos I saw he was visiting these sites, which are essentially dating sites, frequently, though he assured me he wasn't flirting and just meeting mates who were in the same line of work as him. I got suspicious when he finally agreed to give me his password but deleted the applications before I could see and added Windows Live Messenger, which I had always tried to get him to add so we could talk when I was away, and kept that password secret, but conceded, like he had led me to believe, that I was just being paranoid and I was the one who needed to sort myself out. I added software yesterday morning to make myself realise that he talks about normal things and I'm being silly, but when I checked it last night I saw he'd waited till I'd gone out and then spent the night flirting outrageously with a woman he doesn't even know, telling her things he wants to do to her and receiving similar messages from her. It made me feel sick. After reading the whole conversation I was somewhat relieved cos it meant that there was nothing wrong with my instincts, but absolutely devastated. We'd just started to get things on track and he's ruined it all. I just don't know what to do. I know what I should do but I feel so lost. I don't know if the op should dump this man, forgiveness is such an individual choice. Sometimes you must work through pain and at other times walk away. I have had yet another hiccup in my relationship. My health is crap so my sex life has greatly reduced , now I find a text on my boyfriend's phone (I had ordered a birthday gift) to a female friend (who is gay)saying how much he still fancies the ass off her. Last year it was taling dirty to someone online (once) and "crushing" on another female friend. I just feel tired , weak and miserable. I am left wondering if I should have checked his phone all this time. We have decided to try again but I am doubtful and numb.
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