allina Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 So this isn't a break up of a romantic relationship but I feel similar sadness and disappointment as I would ending any relationship that was clearly not working. I've had the same best friend since freshman year of high school, except we haven't really been real best friends in a long time. I haven't seen her in 6 months and I haven't spoken to her in 6 months. Yet for some reason we're faking this friendship and pretending that we're best friends no matter what, that we're there for each other, when truth is, I don't even know her anymore. We went to college together for a while, we spent a lot of time together then and had so much fun. As time went on she started getting trashed more and more and cheating on her on/off bf of 5 years a lot. I would always pull away for a bit, then we'd reunite. She's come to me excited with news of a new job, her and her bf really working it out this time and her plans to finish school soon. It never happened but I was not her mother or bf and I wasn't going to tell her what to do. About 6 months ago sh*t really hit the fan for her. Her bf ended it for good after some of the cheating was brought to light and kicked her out. At the time she had flunked out of college, had no job, he was supporting them financially. She was depressed and spent her days sitting around or getting drunk with random people. When I found out how bad it was I tried being there for her as much as I could. We lived only 10 minutes apart, we talked a lot and she was over my house often. But once her bf asked her to move out there wasn't much I could do. She had no job, no money and I couldn't just take her in and support her. She ended up moving a few hours away with her parents. While she was away she didn't call me once. We only communicated through e-mail and myspace messages She said she was embarrassed about the mess she has gotten herself in to. I offered her nothing but support, I listened, I wasn't judgmental. Suddenly I hear that she's back in our home town living with this guy she dated years ago. She didn't even tell me, I found out after she's been back for a month! She didn't try to see me, she didn't even tell me! During this time she said little about what was going on. All she would say in her e-mails was "miss you tons!", "love you!", "can't wait till we hang out again!" and all this bullsh*t. If she missed me so much I think she would have tried to contact me or see me! It's so clear that we're no longer best friends, really we're not even friends anymore. She tells people that we're best friends, she sends me messages saying love ya/miss you but it's all fake. I can't call her if I'm down, we don't hang out, we don't really talk, how is that any sort of friendship?! I'm sick of pretending and I want to say something. I want to tell her that we're not friends and to drop the act. I want to end the BS. But, at the same time I'm really sad, this is 10 years of friendship I'm throwing away. Maybe she's just trying to work her sh*t out and doesn't want to feel like she has to explain herself to me? She knows I can be very harsh and judgmental so maybe she doesn't want to deal with that? Though she hasn't been there for me she has also never said a bad thing about me or any friend in her life. I'm really torn. I'm sad, pissed off and confused about the situation.
Geishawhelk Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 Ok, she may not carry the title of best friend any more.... but what's to stop you just being friendly? If it's going to peter out, it will peter out. be nice, be civil be friendly, but let it go. Nothing lasts forever, you know. The first hello contains the echoes of the last goodbye. Such is life.
Author allina Posted October 5, 2008 Author Posted October 5, 2008 Ok, she may not carry the title of best friend any more.... but what's to stop you just being friendly? If it's going to peter out, it will peter out. be nice, be civil be friendly, but let it go. Nothing lasts forever, you know. The first hello contains the echoes of the last goodbye. Such is life. I'm not planning on being mean to her. I just want to bring up all the faking it stuff and put an end to it. I want to explain how I feel and that it's over. Right now we're doing this awkward pretending to be friends thing and I'm sick of it. I feel the need to solve things, to say something.
Geishawhelk Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 Ok. Put down in writing what you've just put here, send it to her, and see what happens. if she's a real friend, she'll try to talk to you about it. If not, then she'll just let it go and not contact you. Either way, you'll know where you stand. Sorted.
johan Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 I wouldn't say anything. I also wouldn't pretend. If I don't want to hang out with someone anymore, I just don't. Same thing with phone calls or text messages or whatever. I might explain if they ask what's up, or I might just say I've been busy.
Author allina Posted October 5, 2008 Author Posted October 5, 2008 Ok. Put down in writing what you've just put here, send it to her, and see what happens. if she's a real friend, she'll try to talk to you about it. If not, then she'll just let it go and not contact you. Either way, you'll know where you stand. Sorted. Last time I did that she got mad and said I gave her so much sh*t, I never replied back. Then she wrote to me saying she was so sorry, that I was right and she knew it that's why she got mad Then she goes back to pretending we're super close. I wouldn't say anything. I also wouldn't pretend. If I don't want to hang out with someone anymore, I just don't. Same thing with phone calls or text messages or whatever. I might explain if they ask what's up, or I might just say I've been busy. Right! If she just ignored me I'd get that, fine. But why tell all our old friends that we're best friends, send me messages saying she misses me so much? It's weird, I hate being forced in to these fake social situations. And while a 10 year friendship is hard for me to let go I'm so angry, the more I think about it the angrier I get.
sfsassy Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 I had this situation though different circumstances with a friend a year ago. (I mean the reasons were different.) In my case, I let it peter out. She wasn't my best friend, but we were supposed to be good friends. If she imed me, I responded but only the bare minimum , but didn't send messages, or things like that. She hasn't imed me for half a year, and I don't feel any loss at all. I didn't want to go into a whole drama with her about the reasons, since other people comented on her less than stellar personality and she was always very defensive. We also know a lot of the same people, and if I saw her, didn't want it to be too weird.
0hpenelope Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 I was the renegade best friend. I used to have a best friend whom I lost communication with and, sad to say, I let the Lawrence-gate thing get the best of me and it definitely had a ripple effect on relationships I had with people. Most good, some bad. And my relationship with my best friend, unfortunately, was the one that got the bad. I haven't contacted her. I have a lot of regrets about things, but I know she's ok. Last I heard, she's moving to Arizona with her LT bf and they're doing just fine. That's all I can really hope for. The best reaction I could give in my situation was my silence. I didn't want to fuel the flames. I think it's okay to be civil when you need to. But there's something definitely impersonal about text messaging to the point where, I believe, it's easier to detach oneself from "OMG, I need to respond!!!" I think she's going through something that you've helped out to the best that you can and the rest is up to her. I share johan's opinion in this: do nothing. Just don't. You've made attempts to point out the flaws and she got angry, defensive that you as the "best friend" called her out on her shortcomings. Seems to me that the best friend you once were petered out to be the best friend but only in dire times. I'm sorry that your relationship came down to this...
Author allina Posted October 5, 2008 Author Posted October 5, 2008 When you guys say to do nothing do you mean to ignore her messages and e-mails? She always sends me really vague messages just saying she misses me, she signs then with xoxo or love you, it's so phony. I used to write back, trying to make conversation now I've just been saying stuff like "ok hope everything is going well" and "well you know how to reach me if you want to make plans" Should I just start ignoring her? I'm a really confrontational person, I hate leaving things unsaid and unexplained.
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