She doesn't love me? :(

[TrustInYourself]

Google it.

[Billy Bob]

IMHO your wife is having a physical and emotional affair with her male friend. I would doubt she is actually going to the gym every time she tells you, probably not going to the movies with her girlfriends like she tells you, I wonder if she was actually at the "women's christian retreat" as well.

 

She has all the power right now, file for custody of the kids and divorce, tell her you won't be treated this way. Don't be a doormat. She either wants to be married or she doesn't. You have to get her off the fence.

 

I wouldn't put up with it.

[Antax]

Thanks, I thought it was part of this site.

[sstrangee]

Well, I've decided to stop talking to her about it. We're going to be living with each other for awhile and I can't argue ever night. I'm giving her her space. I'm giving her her time. I just don't want to argue anymore because it's hurting the situation than helping.

 

This is my last rant on it, so...

 

I feel totally horrible for the way I treated her in the past. I understand she is angry. I have taken the blame for it. I do have issues with my self-esteem and addictions that have gotten in the way of our marriage and my emotional bond with my wife and it's not her fault. I never said it was her fault, and I never will.

 

I don't know if my wife has cheated on me physically or emotionally with someone else, and I likely will never find out. But if she had, it was due to me showing no emtions to her. I can't say, "I don't blame her," because I believe that no matter what, you never cheat physically or emotionally with your spouse.

 

I'm still in-love with her and love her deeply. I had never taken her seriously when she said she needed my touch or my companionship. I always thought she would be there for me, and she was, but I was never there for her. And now, that my eyes are open and the addictions are gone, I feel horrible about. I broke her heart. I broke the heart of the one person that I promised to cherish and love for the rest of my life all because of my stupid issues and addictions!! How insane is that?!?! Accepting your addictions over a living human being who loves you for you?!?! What HAD this addiction done to me?!?!

 

I'm in such deep sorrow that I allowed it to happen. I was warned many times to pay more attention to her and stop what I'm doing, but I did not heed the warnings. I thought she would always be there, through thick and thin, till death do us part.

 

I thought, "I'll pay attention to her when I work out my issues." Problem is, I never worked on my issues... until recently.

 

What's so sad about this is that my timing sucks. I always said and so did my wife, that I have poor timing (even before all this happened). Not only did my timing fail me in my tasks, but it failed me in life.

 

I will continue to work on my issues because I think I will only become a stronger better person. I will become the person I was meant to be, not the person I have become. I WILL be a better person, I WILL be a much more caring person, I WILL be a more compassionate person, I WILL be a much more attentive person. I ask everyone of you to hold me accountable!! My issues, after my eyes have been opened, are some of the key problems of all the failures in my life and I left them drive my life and instead of ME driving my life.

 

I have put my foot in my mouth several times since she said she didn't love me and they each time I hurt her more. Sometimes I put my foot in my mouth to STOP her from saying she didn't love me. Sometimes I put my foot in my mouth to STOP her from walking out the door.

 

I have decided to stop doing this. It's only hurting the situation.

 

Like I said, I'm still in love with her, but nothing I'm doing is constructive to the situation and now I see that.

 

The old "sstrangee" is gone, the new one is blossoming.

[husbndinthemaking]

Well, I've decided to stop talking to her about it. We're going to be living with each other for awhile and I can't argue ever night. I'm giving her her space. I'm giving her her time. I just don't want to argue anymore because it's hurting the situation than helping.

 

This is my last rant on it, so...

 

I feel totally horrible for the way I treated her in the past. I understand she is angry. I have taken the blame for it. I do have issues with my self-esteem and addictions that have gotten in the way of our marriage and my emotional bond with my wife and it's not her fault. I never said it was her fault, and I never will.

 

I don't know if my wife has cheated on me physically or emotionally with someone else, and I likely will never find out. But if she had, it was due to me showing no emtions to her. I can't say, "I don't blame her," because I believe that no matter what, you never cheat physically or emotionally with your spouse.

 

I'm still in-love with her and love her deeply. I had never taken her seriously when she said she needed my touch or my companionship. I always thought she would be there for me, and she was, but I was never there for her. And now, that my eyes are open and the addictions are gone, I feel horrible about. I broke her heart. I broke the heart of the one person that I promised to cherish and love for the rest of my life all because of my stupid issues and addictions!! How insane is that?!?! Accepting your addictions over a living human being who loves you for you?!?! What HAD this addiction done to me?!?!

 

I'm in such deep sorrow that I allowed it to happen. I was warned many times to pay more attention to her and stop what I'm doing, but I did not heed the warnings. I thought she would always be there, through thick and thin, till death do us part.

 

I thought, "I'll pay attention to her when I work out my issues." Problem is, I never worked on my issues... until recently.

 

What's so sad about this is that my timing sucks. I always said and so did my wife, that I have poor timing (even before all this happened). Not only did my timing fail me in my tasks, but it failed me in life.

 

I will continue to work on my issues because I think I will only become a stronger better person. I will become the person I was meant to be, not the person I have become. I WILL be a better person, I WILL be a much more caring person, I WILL be a more compassionate person, I WILL be a much more attentive person. I ask everyone of you to hold me accountable!! My issues, after my eyes have been opened, are some of the key problems of all the failures in my life and I left them drive my life and instead of ME driving my life.

 

I have put my foot in my mouth several times since she said she didn't love me and they each time I hurt her more. Sometimes I put my foot in my mouth to STOP her from saying she didn't love me. Sometimes I put my foot in my mouth to STOP her from walking out the door.

 

I have decided to stop doing this. It's only hurting the situation.

 

Like I said, I'm still in love with her, but nothing I'm doing is constructive to the situation and now I see that.

 

The old "sstrangee" is gone, the new one is blossoming.

 

Sounds like you are on the right path. If I were you, I would not listen to the negative people on these forums. "Kick her to the curb! Your better than that!" , etc.

 

You are learning from this loss, this is a good sign. It will only make you stronger as a person.

 

I had a simliar situation happen. However, I fixed my marriage and my wife can't be happier. All it took was listening to her and gaining her trust back that I would not revert back to my old habits(Not listening, doing my own thing, etc.)

 

It's funny, when we act like we are single like this, it causes them to look from attention form another man. I have seen this happen way too many times. I wish I had been more aware from the get go. But hey, not all is lost.

 

I still believe you can save your marriage also. You just need a little more guidance to do so. I used zaxxes.com and Stop Your Divorce.

 

Keep up the soul searching. It will only help you grow.

[Maladjusted]

I guess at this point all you can do is work on yourself.

 

I thought I might share my story with you because I can relate. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t158015/

[sstrangee]

Well, my wife agreed to go to a different relationship counselor after we spoke for a bit. She wasn't forced, just asked if she would try a different one and she agreed.

 

So, we went to the relationship counselor and after awhile, true feelings came out, we where both crying, and my wife agreed to do at least 10 more MC sessions and we would do single sessions for me and single sessions for her, as well.

 

She told me in the relationship counselor that she loved me but she wanted me to "feel the way I felt for the past 8 years." I'm so heart broken that I did this to her. I truly am. A lot came out that the other MC didn't hear (or the other MC really didn't want to hear) and I think we actually met on a different level yesterday and had a complete understanding of what she wants in a marriage and what I want to be to her in this marriage.

 

After the relationship counselor session, my wife surprised me by spontaneously asking me to stop and grab a hot dog from a hot dog vendor. Now, for us, this was pretty on the fly and it's something we would NEVER do. Our lives, since having kids, have been pretty scheduled, so something like this took me by surprise. We ate our hot dog outside, joked around a bit about "I'm not the only one who wants to get sick if I eat this by myself" and I hope that is sour cream. It was fun for the 20 or 30 mins we had before we had to pick up kids. And I'm still thinking about it today.

 

I really liked it, because it reminded me of the woman I met 14 years ago.

[BlueHarvest]

Sounds like you guys got through that pivotal point. I hope things continue to look good for you mate.

 

Wish my problem with the OW would resolve itself this way...at least my life would get alot easier if it did.

[Owl]

Go to the library and check out a copy of "Surviving an Affair".

 

Go over to the marriagebuilders.com website, and read up on their free material.

 

Here's the thing. She's in an emotional affair.

 

She's not "in love" with you, because she IS "in love" with the other man.

 

You doubt me? Ask her that...to her face, eye to eye...point blank...ask her if she's in love with him.

 

And watch her reaction.

 

Don't believe her words when she lies and tells you no. Watch her EYES. Watch her body language. Make sure that you're uncomfortably close to her when you ask...inside her personal space.

 

When you've done that...come back and post an update....we'll be able to advise you better from there.

 

In the meantime...go over to the site I mentioned (but stay away from their forum!!! Its poisonous!) and read up on the concepts. The lovebank, lovebusters...and specifically, do a web search on the words "plan A"+marriagebuilders.

 

You need to be in plan A right now. You need to fight to get her affair to end, and you need to make the changes in yourself that you've already outlined. There are ways to make the affair MUCH less comfortable for her...we'll talk about exposure when you come back.

 

But...NOTHING can be done until you stop and recognize this situation for exactly what it is. This is an emotional affair...if NOT already a physical one (remember her 5 hour drive the other night?...care to bet who was riding with her???).

 

Do as I suggested...ask her point blank, in her face...EXACTLY what I said.

 

"Are you in love with XXX?" Watch her response.

 

Then come back here and post.

[BlueHarvest]

Hey owl...any chance you can shed some light on my situation? It's kind of similar...except I'm stuck in the middle.

 

Sorry to put this in here but your advice seems pretty sage.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t166684/

[seibert253]

MC session sounds great, but in order to make this work, she needs to be totally truthful about this other guy. I, and many others, suspect it's much more than banter and telephone calls. Be prepared, because if she's going to be torn between the husband she once had, and the new lover which breeds the excitment she's been missing. You need to be strong and upfront. Tell her you love her, and will do anything to keep her, but your not going to let her walk all over you. Because if she thinks she can, she will. She will want her cake and eat it too. All contact with the other guy must cease, no exceptions. If that means her changing jobs, so be it. If she's not willing to make these commitments to you, and your marriage, then maybe it's time to move on and find someone who will.

[sstrangee]

Well, a few days have past since I last posted in here.

 

First, my wife and I are still living with one another and we are still sleeping in the same bed at night. We talk at night a bit, but there is no intimacy or touching in an affection way. I have asked her if I could, but she tells me, "No, but thank you for asking." (You'll understand why in a minute that I have to ask her to touch her).

 

Our conversations have turned from knockout fighting to discussions without anyone raising their voices. It has really become quite pleasant to talk to her now. It's funny but we're actually "talking" to one another and communicating with one another better than we have in recent years. Pretty much we decided that we're going to put whatever we're thinking out on the table. No more hiding what we're thinking or saying "never mind" when something is on our mind.

 

We went to our Pastor a few days ago (who is also a relationship counselor) and he pretty much set us up a "plan of attack." I have been given a few rules to follow. My rules are that I have to start going to church on a weekly basis every Sunday (I have stopped going in the past 8 or 9 months). I have to get into a Men's Bible Study and go at least once a week (hoping to start this week). I have to be accountable to someone in the church that I can vent to if needed (vent to him instead of to my wife). There is no intimate contact allowed unless my wife initiates first (this hasn't even come close to happening... but my wife is allowing me to see her naked again and visa versa -- this isn't really intimate, but this wouldn't have happened a couple weeks ago). I have to ask my wife to touch her in any affectionate way (I have asked a few times, sometimes she says yes, sometimes she says no). And I can't threaten the relationship at all by saying that I'm taking kids, or I'm doing this or that, that would directly effect the relationship. Those are my rules. She has one rule, her rule is she needs to find someone to be accountable to in the church. I understand the rules are in place to give her space and time to heal and the same for me.

 

But, I sleep next to her every night and she usually falls asleep before me. Once she falls asleep, I just stare at her for awhile. I just look at her face and take in every detail. She is so beautiful to me in every way, but I can't tell her this right now, but I want to so badly. I watch her sleep and I long to touch her face, or her arms, her body. I long to stroke her hair or touch her in the slightest way. I long to kiss her perfect lips. But, alas, I can't. I have to ask her to do these things, and right now, I know she will say "No." But, it doesn't mean that I can't look and long for this to happen again.

 

It's strange though, that my dreams the past couple days have been filled with my wife. They're not bad dreams either, they're actually great dreams and the only thing I remember in them is my wife. My dreams, which have been the same the past couple days, are dreams of me wooing my wife and being romantic and affectionate to her. In my dreams, I'm not the bumbling idiot that I am in real life, because in my dreams I seem to know what to say, when to say it and what to do.

 

It's very strange to me, but I think my head as been clearer now that it has been in many many years and I think I'm falling maddeningly in love with my wife again. The problem is that she doesn't feel the same about me (or at least she hasn't voiced yet), and that is what is breaking my heart. Is this normal?!? I want to be so in-love with my wife, but at the same time I'm scared that I will get my heart broken even more.

[Maladjusted]

 

We went to our Pastor a few days ago (who is also a relationship counselor) and he pretty much set us up a "plan of attack." I have been given a few rules to follow. My rules are that I have to start going to church on a weekly basis every Sunday (I have stopped going in the past 8 or 9 months). I have to get into a Men's Bible Study and go at least once a week (hoping to start this week). I have to be accountable to someone in the church that I can vent to if needed (vent to him instead of to my wife). There is no intimate contact allowed unless my wife initiates first (this hasn't even come close to happening... but my wife is allowing me to see her naked again and visa versa -- this isn't really intimate, but this wouldn't have happened a couple weeks ago). I have to ask my wife to touch her in any affectionate way (I have asked a few times, sometimes she says yes, sometimes she says no). And I can't threaten the relationship at all by saying that I'm taking kids, or I'm doing this or that, that would directly effect the relationship. Those are my rules. She has one rule, her rule is she needs to find someone to be accountable to in the church. I understand the rules are in place to give her space and time to heal and the same for me.

 

Alright man, I am normally a pretty passive guy but I would've thrown that pastor out the window. Not being able to talk to your wife about your problems? I don't get it. Church can't solve everything dude.

 

The one that really needs churching here is your wife! Did you bring up the fact that she has daily contact with her male coworker, and that she was ready to go running out the door to him the minute you got out of counseling? That she obviously has been at the very least confiding in this male coworker? You are bending over backwards for your wife and you are the one getting punished? You have to "ask" before you touch?

 

I get that you made mistakes in the past. I did too. But that doesn't mean that those mistakes should continually be used against us.

 

I am sorry my friend, but you are being held in emotional and physical hostage here.

 

I guess I am upset because I went through almost the exact same thing you are, only to find out the reason my wife acted the way she did is because she cheated on me. So, the whole time I am thinking I have been a bad husband, etc, it was merely her pawning off her guilt over what she had done onto me.

[Owl]

Have you done as I suggested????

 

Point blank asked the question exactly as I recommended, and watched her RESPONSE...not listened to her words?

 

Ignoring the REAL problem here (her affair) will NOT solve the problem...instead, things on the affair front will quietly escalate while you politely sit there and let it do so...until she leaves you for him.

 

Seriously...do what I suggested. Read the things I recommended (btw...the Harley's 'marriagebuilders' is Christian based). Ask her point blank about her feelings for OM...while you're inside her personal space...and watch specifically for her reactions to the question.

[imagine]

Please, please listen to this man.

 

We see SO MANY basket cases that don't pay attention. Dayem!