She doesn't love me? :(

[sstrangee]

Earlier this week my wife told me that she doesn't love me as a husband anymore and she sees me more as a friend and roommate than anything else. She says she still "loves me", but shes not "in-love with me" anymore. She says her heart has "moved on" and that it has "harden" to me.

 

She said I have been emotionally unavailable to her for the past 8 years and she told me she is tired of waiting for me. I know I haven't been the best husband in the world, but I did not restrict my wife from doing anything. She is able to do what she wants, the only rule I had was not to disrespect me, our children, or our families.

 

My wife had recently started a new job, and has met some new friends that she "hangs out" with from time to time. I'm okay with this, but I don't agree with their attitudes or lifestyles. UNTIL, about five days ago when I overheard a conversation on the telephone she was having and she had no idea I was listening. I was at the end of the hallway listening to her talk with one of her male co-worker friends. She was all giggly and happy when she talked to him (it made me jealous because she hasn't spoken to me like that in a long long time). She never really said anything that would say she was having an affair when talking to him, but I investigated a bit and see that SHE calls him 2 to 3 times a day (looking at cell phone bill). It looks like to me SHE calls him a lot and he rarely calls her, unless she calls him first.

 

About three days ago, she went out and said she was going to the gym. She left to go to the gym but was gone for 5 hours. I called her up and asked her where she was at and if she was okay because she said she was just going to go to the gym. She said she was driving around thinking. Before this drive, her heart was "harden" but I could talk to her and she would listen.

 

After this "drive," she won't listen to me and said that this "drive" allowed her to make her mind up and that she has decided no matter how she looks at it, it's over. I try talking to her now and she just tells me, "It's over! It's over. It's done!" to everything I say to her. She doesn't want to talk about the past or the future, just the present and that "It's over." I know she is angry at me right now, but when she talks to me it's not with the "bubbly" wife that I use to know a week ago, it's someone that talks to me like they "hate me."

 

So, I have been going to a counselor to deal with some major self-esteem issues that I have been having (when I met my wife I was slim, but after about 12 years, I have slowly tipped the scale at obese now, but I've been a on diet plan for 4 weeks and have lost 25 lbs). My counselor seems to think that my emotional unavailability to my wife is directly related to self-esteem and a thing that happened to me when I was 12 years old. I've told my wife that, but she doesn't want to hear it. She just keeps telling me "it's over."

 

So I asked her if there is any sliver of hope for our marriage that she go to one counselor session with me. She said she didn't want to go several times. But, I asked her to again toward the end of our "discussion" and she said, "Fine! I'll go one time with you, but that's it." But she also said, "The hope you are holding out for is the size of a dust particle in the universe." She just keeps saying that we've grown apart and we're two different people and that I need to find someone that likes the things I like, and she wants to find someone that "is like her."

 

I still tell her that I love her. If we're on the phone, I say "I love you" and she just says "Bye" to me. And I tell her that I love her face to face and she just shrugs or gives a heavy *sigh* and rolls her eyes. She does the same if I try to cress or stroke her hair. I gave her a flower a couple days ago and she did the same thing, just *sighed* heavily and rolled her eyes.

 

My wife is now at Christian Women's Retreat this weekend and I'm at home with the kids and some painters painting the inside of our house (we had them scheduled a few weeks back). My wife called me a few times to ask about the paint and how it looks. I told her than asked about the Retreat and she started to say, "It's really great..." in a really enthusiastic voice, but cut it short and said, "I'm miserable." She said that I had called people and told about our problems and that now they're "judging" her up there. Well, I did call the "prayer chain" at our church to ask for prayer and that my wife and I are having problems, but that's about it. She then got angry on the phone and told me, "I got to deal with this situation myself, and I'll deal with God when I die." I thought this weekend would open her heart a little, but it doesn't look it has, or at least she doesn't want me to think it has.

 

On top of that, she has called her male co-worker friend a couple times since she has been at the retreat, and the reason I know is that I looked for his phone number of the cell bill to call him to apologize to him because I told him and my wife that they couldn't be friends and they're relationship was inappropriate and my wife said she would stop calling him. I called him and told him that I don't care that they're friends but to respect our marriage and our relationship, and he said he understood.

 

Also, I asked my wife if she is cheating on me, and she has denied it at every turn. At this point, I think she would say it if she was, because she knows that I would totally be out of the relationship at that point, cause that's something I can't accept, no matter how much I love her. But that doesn't mean that I don't think she is TRYING to start a relationship with this guy (plus I know this guy is dating someone else, but that doesn't mean anything to her, I guess).

 

Just so you know, we are still living together and we're still sleeping in the same bed, we're just sleeping at opposite ends. On our last night sleeping together (Thursday) before the retreat, I asked if I could "stroke" her hair (because she really likes that), and she said to me, "Do whatever you want to do." So I did, because I do still love her and I'm still her husband until we sign on the dotted line or until she cheats on me or I find out she cheated on me.

 

Anyway, we are going to my counselor on Monday (which is also a marriage counselor).

 

Can anyone tell me from their experiences what I should do? Or what happened? Or what I'm going to expect? When relationships get like this, do they turn around, are they able to be turned around? Am I wasting time, money, emotional energy?

 

Please help!! I'm heart broken, and my wife is heart broken (she has told me that I've broken her heart because of no emotion to her). Please help!

[carhill]

If she's emotionally detached from you (sounds like it to me), but once was emotionally attached and in love with you, it can be rebuilt with a lot of time and work. I'd suggest, at minimum, a year of bi-weekly or weekly MC before gauging any results as conclusive.

 

Once you emotionally detach (I know this because I emotionally detached from my wife), it's very hard to see your spouse in the same way again, even with MC. Everyone is different. You have a family and you still love your wife. I'd give it a shot

 

Remember, the only person you can change is you. It's important that you accept who she is now and work for your future, which may or may not include her.

[Ocean-Blue]

Your story sounds very similar, sstrangee. Only I wasn't married to him (but was with him for a LONG time).

 

Did you and your wife ever connect at any point in your relationship? By connect, I mean chemistry. This was the thing that was missing in my previous relationship. I knew quite early on that I was not in love with him, but I stayed anyway (for various reasons).

 

Eventually, as time went on, I couldn't take the pressure of a looming marriage and so I ended it. At the time I left him, there was someone I was very much interested in. I did not cheat on him. I made sure to end the relationship before I began a new one...but still, I did leave him because I knew I could. I had something else to reach out to. I know that sounds horrible (and it is). I've held on to this guilt for a long time.

 

Perhaps if you provide some details on the kind of R you had before these problems cropped up, it might help.

 

I suspect she was very unhappy with the relationship and that her attraction to you waned over time. Now that there something new and exciting in her life, she has the "courage" to let go of you (and the security you provide) and pursue this new prospect. If this new man is indeed someone she sees as a prospective romantic partner, then you have an uphill battle. He is either the catalyst to the end of your marriage or the necessary evil to the eventual growth of your marriage.

 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can only imagine how painful it must be for you. Her coldness and apparent indifference can’t be helping things anyway. She’s likely doing this because she is afraid of seeing your pain, lest it break her down. It’s easy to shut another’s emotions out…because it’s just too much to deal with, you know?

[sstrangee]

Well, she has told me over and over again that the reason she is friends with this guy is because he reminds her of her brother (who died about 4 years ago). I have met the guy she talks to, and he does, from time to time, remind me of her brother, and that might be the reason for her giggly attitude?

 

When she talks to me about house issues, money issues, family issues, etc. she says "we" and she still calls me "honey" when she talks to me from time to time. Although, in the past couple days on the phone, she is slowly not calling me that, I'm noticing.. when it use to be like clockwork she would call me that (she is coming home from the retreat today).

 

She has flat out told me she doesn't love me anymore. But she has also insisted over and over again that she is not cheating on me or in a relationship. My wife is one not to lie about anything and I have yet to ever catch her in a lie in my life.

 

Wouldn't you think that if she was in a relationship that she would just tell me and end it? I've told her for years that if she cheated on me (and she has told me the same) that I couldn't be with her even if I was deeply in love with her. So wouldn't the logical thing be just to say it and get it over with, if she REALLY REALLY wanted to be divorced?

 

I know at this point, I'm putting A LOT of thinking into this and the old saying is that 90% of the things you think are going to happen, don't.

 

But, I know the short comings that I, as a husband face. And just like my counselor said, I'm going to have to face my self-esteem issues and my childhood problems head on some day. I'm not an affection guy because of these issues.

 

BUT, over the weekend, I have decided to dedicate more time for her. I have decided to show her affection, when I can, and when I think she is willing to take it. Even if she cringes away from me at first (which she has done a couple times, but a couple other times she has left me do it) when I show affliction, I'm going to just eat "gravel" and wait to do it another time without saying anything about the relationship.

 

I'm going to give her space and time but doing it with more love and affection that I have done in the past. But, the thing is, I'm going to do it for the rest of my life for her, if she will allow me to. But, I feel I'm losing her and I've never been down this road before... and this has opened my eyes to what I've done over these past years to her and what things could be like with her.

 

And if she wont have any of it, I am preparing for that, as well. It's not what I want, but it might happen. I'm just praying to God that it doesn't.

 

I'm just so heart broken. And she has told me she is heart broken too, but she doesn't want me to be "the one" and that her heart as moved on.

 

Hindsight is 20/20, and I wish I had shown her all the outward affection that I have in my heart for her, but I didn't.

 

Heartbroken...

[Nomad1]

I am sorry to say this, but you are in denial. She has checked out from your relationship because she has checked in with the other guy.

 

Read similar stories and you will realise that, alas, denial is a natural response.

 

I bet that in a few weeks time you will be writing that she is indeed fornicating with the other guy. Prepare yourself for the anger which will follow, both on your part as a result of betrayal, and on her part as a means of projecting.

 

Good luck man.

 

Nomad1

[Karma101]

I agree w/ Nomad. It sounds like she is having an affair, to some degree, w/ this OM - whether it be emotional or physical. Just because she is stating that she doesn't love you or wants a divorce does not mean that she will readily admit to an affair. That would cause conflict/confrontation, which she may very well be trying to avoid at all costs. When you reading your post, before even getting to the part about her "friend", I immediately thought - affair!

[BlueHarvest]

You mentioned that you this situation has "opened your eyes to the things you have done to her in the past".

 

What things did you do to her that may have caused this series of events to be averted?

[Antax]

For a minute there I thought I was reading my own post. Believe me you are not alone. My wife has done the same thing...http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t166052/

 

I know I'm not an Op or a MC but heres my 2 cents worth.

 

First stop asking her if she having an affair. If its not physical she probably wont see it or care to see it. She may not see the wrong shes done but don't try to tell her. That was a big mistake I made. I tried to "explain" to my wife how she hurt me so much by going on with this OM but that was pointless because she didn't care how I felt. It was, and still is, all about her right now.

 

Second stop telling her you love her. You wont get the response you want and that will just make it harder on you. I love my wife deeply but haven't told her that in months.

 

This has been the hardest year I have ever had in my entire life. Did I mention one of my best friends, and coworker, was killed in a motorcycle wreck in June? But 2009 will be better. I demand it to be.

[Simplycaroline]

Most people that are having affairs will lie to the bitter end in their proclaimations that they are not. She is probably denying affair because of how it may appear to the members of your church. She is already having a flying fit about you requesting prayer for your marriage.

 

Also it may be that she wants to keep the affair as secret as possible so that it will work in her favor when you divorce.

 

You have work to do on yourself by your own admission do this work because it is necessary for YOU rather you or your wife make it or not. It can only benifit you and your marriage if it survives.

 

Please stop complimenting your wife and telling her how much you love her when you know FULL well she does not want to hear it. Just because she is your wife she is not your possession give her the freedom because if you do not she will have it along with your heart.

[TrustInYourself]

Ok, so what was your part? Lack of emotional response? In what form? You say you have grown apart? How?

 

You sound like a decent guy except for the fact that you have no emotions. We all have emotions. It's just our ability to communicate and express those emotions that need work.

 

I can tell right now you are toast if you don't change how you interact and communicate with your wife.

 

What does she want? What do you want? Do you both even know? Why? What is her motivation? You seem clueless to how you got here. Ask her to level with you so you can accept what she's already accepted. That should open those eyes a bit.

[husbndinthemaking]

"She doesn't love me?"

 

Because of your post topic I can bet that you don't have a clue to what is happening with your marriage. Lucky for you that you found this place.

 

This sounds waaaaay to familar.

Try these things from the zaxxes.com site.

 

Here are the initial steps to changing your old habits:

 

Stop Ridiculing Your Partner – Every time you yell, complain, whine, sulk, disagree, etc., you push them further away. This does nothing to help your situation and only creates more distance between the both of you. It never works, so stop doing it

 

Look In The Mirror – What do you see? Is this the same person that was present during the beginning of the relationship? This is exactly what your partner sees as well. Do you dress/groom well? Do you mope around on the couch all day? If not, you need to bring the old self back into the relationship immediately.

 

Agree With Their Feelings – Every time you disagree with your partners feelings, it is like a slap in their face. It tells them you do not care. By acknowledging their feelings, you can learn to disagree in a positive manner. More will be discussed on this topic later

 

Be Positive – If it is a cloudy day, make sure the sun is out. The cup needs to be half full at all times. If you are walking around sulking and unhappy, it is reflected back to your partner. Who wants to be with someone that is unhappy all the time

 

Rediscover Yourself – Most people give their all in their relationships. Almost to the point where they barely recognize themselves. All though it is admirable, it is the road to losing your own identity. Go out and talk to friends, mingle with new people. Find new hobbies and make the best out of the situation

 

Stop Saying “I Love You – This only makes them see you as “needy”. They want you to be strong in their eyes. By saying you “love” them, it shows you as being weak during this period. You can say, “I care about you” for now

 

Stare Into Their Eyes – Anytime you are having a conversation with them, make sure you are staring into their eyes at all times. Only look away after they turn away first. This shows that you are listening intently

 

Let Them Call You – If you are currently separated, calling them makes you look “needy” as well. Only call if you need something important. If there is more than 10 seconds of dead silence during the conversation, tell them you have to go and hang up

 

Shut Up And Listen – Most important topic to follow. When they speak with you, shut up and listen. They need for you to show 100% interest in their concerns right now. Try not to discuss your feelings with them at this time. They may not care at this time and is wasteful

 

Stop Being Needy – If you find yourself saying things like, “I need for you..” or “I need you to…”. Stop it right now. You do not NEED anything unless it is the bare necessities of life

 

This stuff saved my ass. My wife and I are going on a cruise in a few days. Funny thing is... back in ferbruary, she said she didn't love me anymore. Hmmmm... I wonder what changed? Hehehe.

[Maladjusted]

I agree with the other posters. Not too long ago I was in your shoes.

 

Sorry dude, but you dont talk to male coworkers on weekends and when you aren't at work. Why you felt the need to apologize to this guy I don't get other than the fact that you are desperate to make your marriage work. Something is going on with this coworker and if I were you id stop being sad and start getting angry about the way you are being treated.

[sstrangee]

Well, I have never cheated on my wife. I have never been in another relationship with someone as long as I have known my wife.

 

However, I have been emotionally unavailable to her, until recently. But there have been some developments.

 

1. First, she came back from the retreat, we where very civil to one another. When she got back, we went to the store together and the kids, shopped for some things we needed. She then asked me if I wanted to go out to eat. I agreed and we went out to eat. We shared a meal together, she asked me to try some of her meal and visa versa, we shared forks.

 

2. We then went home, put the kids to bed and a friend of mine called to tell me that he needed to tell me something about another friend of mine that had been spreading rumors to other people about me and my wife. This friend, that I trusted, turned out has told lies about me and my wife behind my back and I've known her for several years. Some of those lies, I believed from her, instead of my wife (I had heard some of the rumors before). But come to find out, he sent me an email that this person that I trusted actually sat out to hurt me and my wife (some of the rumors have been the catalyst to what started last week).

 

3. My wife and I are mad about this. My wife says that she needs to go to the gym to release some steam (which isn't unusual, she has been doing this off and on for years). So she went to the gym, as she was leaving, she turned to me and to give me a hug (which she wouldn't have done AT ALL last week). I said "I love you" and she just responded with "I can't say that to you right now." (At least it isn't, "but i don't love you", now).

 

4. About 2 hours later she came back (nothing usual about the length of time either), she undress in front of me while we talked, she took a shower in front of me while we talked. I went and laid in bed, naked (lol.. i have major ... ahh.. ahh.. jock itch right now... lol) to "air out" and read the Bible a bit. She didn't say anything about me being naked. She laid next to me, her back was not turned to me, just laying flat. I put the Bible down, turned out the light and began to stroke her hair and scratch her back (things she likes). After about 10 mins, I asked her if she was uncomfortable with that, and she said "No, I'm not, but I can't give you the response you want, right now." (Last week she would cringe away and SIGH heavily).

 

5. Woke up this morning, dropped off kids at school, went to her work (she works at a public place), she saw me and asked to go on break. She went on break and I asked her if I could spend break with her and she said it was okay. I find out that our babysitter during our MC had canceled. When she said that, I thought it was canceled (cause last week she said she wasn't going no matter what, but finally agreed to one session), but she said that she had found a replacement babysitter and she will still be going to MC with me. We talked more about some of the things that I did around the house and her work and the situation we found out about the night before. I gave her a hug, she hugged me back (wasn't a big just, just a "see ya later" hug). So, we're still going to the MC session tonight.

 

6. She just called me and asked me if she could go to the movies with her girlfriends. Told me where it was at, what movie they're going to, when it was going to be over and who was going and said she would call me as soon as it was over. She knows, if I wanted to, I could drive to the place she is going to find out if any of this is true because it's not that far away.

 

Personally, and call it denial or whatever you want, but I know she isn't cheating on me. She has told me several times that she is "still angry with me" and that "i hurt her deeply" yesterday. I told her I know, and I'm sorry (that is pretty much all we talked about our relationship). But, she has yet to tell me that she doesn't love me anymore (yesterday or today), and when I touched her, she didn't cringe away, sigh, or tell me not to.

[husbndinthemaking]

Well, I have never cheated on my wife. I have never been in another relationship with someone as long as I have known my wife.

 

However, I have been emotionally unavailable to her, until recently. But there have been some developments.

 

1. First, she came back from the retreat, we where very civil to one another. When she got back, we went to the store together and the kids, shopped for some things we needed. She then asked me if I wanted to go out to eat. I agreed and we went out to eat. We shared a meal together, she asked me to try some of her meal and visa versa, we shared forks.

 

This is great news. Sounds promising. Keep her happy by listening to her and not judging her. She is loving this kind of attention I assure you.

 

2. We then went home, put the kids to bed and a friend of mine called to tell me that he needed to tell me something about another friend of mine that had been spreading rumors to other people about me and my wife. This friend, that I trusted, turned out has told lies about me and my wife behind my back and I've known her for several years. Some of those lies, I believed from her, instead of my wife (I had heard some of the rumors before). But come to find out, he sent me an email that this person that I trusted actually sat out to hurt me and my wife (some of the rumors have been the catalyst to what started last week).

 

NEVER trust friends. You made a big mistake by letting them into your "inner circle". The "inner circle" needs to be you and your wife ONLY. Your children come after that, parents, etc. Friends get jealous of great couples. They love to sabatoge them.

 

 

3. My wife and I are mad about this. My wife says that she needs to go to the gym to release some steam (which isn't unusual, she has been doing this off and on for years). So she went to the gym, as she was leaving, she turned to me and to give me a hug (which she wouldn't have done AT ALL last week). I said "I love you" and she just responded with "I can't say that to you right now." (At least it isn't, "but i don't love you", now).

 

Ouch. Big no-no. You made a mistake. Thats ok though. Try this, let HER say "I love you" first. She does not want to hear this from you now cause she feels obligated to say it also. It makes her feel guilty. Stop it.

 

4. About 2 hours later she came back (nothing usual about the length of time either), she undress in front of me while we talked, she took a shower in front of me while we talked. I went and laid in bed, naked (lol.. i have major ... ahh.. ahh.. jock itch right now... lol) to "air out" and read the Bible a bit. She didn't say anything about me being naked. She laid next to me, her back was not turned to me, just laying flat. I put the Bible down, turned out the light and began to stroke her hair and scratch her back (things she likes). After about 10 mins, I asked her if she was uncomfortable with that, and she said "No, I'm not, but I can't give you the response you want, right now." (Last week she would cringe away and SIGH heavily).

 

Not too bad. I would not have gone as far as that though. If you wait it out, she will jump on you. I hope you reponded with, "That's ok. I know you need time and just hope I can help you if you need me to." (Dont really try and "fix" her. Just help by LISTENING to her)

 

5. Woke up this morning, dropped off kids at school, went to her work (she works at a public place), she saw me and asked to go on break. She went on break and I asked her if I could spend break with her and she said it was okay. I find out that our babysitter during our MC had canceled. When she said that, I thought it was canceled (cause last week she said she wasn't going no matter what, but finally agreed to one session), but she said that she had found a replacement babysitter and she will still be going to MC with me. We talked more about some of the things that I did around the house and her work and the situation we found out about the night before. I gave her a hug, she hugged me back (wasn't a big just, just a "see ya later" hug). So, we're still going to the MC session tonight.

 

I really think you need to back off with the hugs and kisses that you initiate right now. Let her make the first moves for awhile. This will help her in her decision about you.

 

6. She just called me and asked me if she could go to the movies with her girlfriends. Told me where it was at, what movie they're going to, when it was going to be over and who was going and said she would call me as soon as it was over. She knows, if I wanted to, I could drive to the place she is going to find out if any of this is true because it's not that far away.

 

I would've said, "Have a great time. Sounds like a great film." Be positive. Listen, she can cheat on you at anytime she wants to and there is nithing you could do about it. Don't dwell on "maybe's" and "what if's" It will only make you crazy so DONT DO IT!

 

Personally, and call it denial or whatever you want, but I know she isn't cheating on me. She has told me several times that she is "still angry with me" and that "i hurt her deeply" yesterday. I told her I know, and I'm sorry (that is pretty much all we talked about our relationship). But, she has yet to tell me that she doesn't love me anymore (yesterday or today), and when I touched her, she didn't cringe away, sigh, or tell me not to.

 

You have to understand this, she DOES feel hurt by you. Whether or not you see it, she is hurting right now. She wants you to be the "caring guy that would do anything for her" when you first met. Go back in time. Remember that guy? He was thoughtful, caring, a great listener, complimented her, etc. Become that guy again and give her time. She WILL come back around emotionally.

 

My wife and I are going on a cruise in a few days to Mexico. Back in Feb., she was going to leave me with my daughter and live with another man. True story.

[sstrangee]

I really wanted to come back on here and tell most of you guys that you where wrong and my wife and I are going to stay together and work things out.

 

But, alas, we went to the MC today and the MC pretty much said that I was a total jack ass and agreed that my wife should leave. The MC handed my wife a list of "mediators" to handle our affairs.

 

My wife never admitted to cheating, but who knows, 10 mins after the MC she was calling the dude that I thought she had a relationship with and asked if he still had the "spare" bedroom she could "rent."

 

Then come to find out, later tonight she asked what he was up to (right in front of me nonetheless) and invited him OUT or to come over, because I said to her that I was going out earlier in the day. Surprise, Surprise... he calls on the phone (my wife rushed to it and said she got it, but I answered before she did) and I hang up going... "Wow, what a surprise."

 

I guess it's over and I just freaked out on her about the whole situation.

[signedin2008]

When reading your thread before you mentioning anything about the other man, I was already sure that she was having an affair and THEN you mentioned this male friend of hers, I knew that there is no other explaination.

 

She is having an affair and she is lying to you that she has not cheated.

 

This other guy's girl friend need to know about this affair as well as all people whom your wife respects including her parents, pastors, etc. Exposing the affair is the best way to end the affair.

[2sunny]

I really wanted to come back on here and tell most of you guys that you where wrong and my wife and I are going to stay together and work things out.

 

But, alas, we went to the MC today and the MC pretty much said that I was a total jack ass and agreed that my wife should leave. The MC handed my wife a list of "mediators" to handle our affairs.

 

My wife never admitted to cheating, but who knows, 10 mins after the MC she was calling the dude that I thought she had a relationship with and asked if he still had the "spare" bedroom she could "rent."

 

Then come to find out, later tonight she asked what he was up to (right in front of me nonetheless) and invited him OUT or to come over, because I said to her that I was going out earlier in the day. Surprise, Surprise... he calls on the phone (my wife rushed to it and said she got it, but I answered before she did) and I hang up going... "Wow, what a surprise."

I guess it's over and I just freaked out on her about the whole situation.

 

where does the truth lie? i can't tell what the truth is - are you going to attempt to work it out or is it over and she moves in with the new hottie that she is at the very least having an emotional affair with?

 

emotional affairs (and yes, this IS cheating) are considered by many to be much more destructive - especially long term - than a physical affair.

 

admission of the very minimum of an EA will allow you to see the reality of what you are up against if you try to work on the marriage.

 

if you both decide to work on your marriage - she needs to cut ALL contact with this guy... including getting a new job!

 

good luck - and keep posting.

[Gunny376]

The fact that she' so viablently denied cheating is Red Flag No. #1

 

The fact that she's so up-set about what the congregation "would think" is Flag N0.# 2

 

The fact that she's hiding behind her "faith" is Flag No. # 3

 

The fact that she comes back from the retreat so "loving" is most definatley Flag No. # 4 (She's just came off retrest having had her emotional needs meet ~ if not sexual needs) {You really don't think she was just off with a bunch of other women, do you!}

 

Some of the biggest users, losers, and abusers are of the so-called "Christen faith" I cannot believe how so many people keep falling for the BS of Joyce Meyers, Ken Copeland, Tammy Faye Baker, Jim Baker, Oral Roberts, ~ the "Send God Your Money, but here's my address!

 

I come home and find nothing there but the wife and preacher there, his azz had best be praying over something that's dead! Or I'll be saying a few words over his sorry azz!

[Maladjusted]

 

 

 

You have to understand this, she DOES feel hurt by you. Whether or not you see it, she is hurting right now. She wants you to be the "caring guy that would do anything for her" when you first met. Go back in time. Remember that guy? He was thoughtful, caring, a great listener, complimented her, etc. Become that guy again and give her time. She WILL come back around emotionally.

 

She doesn't feel hurt by him. She is just making him to be the bad guy to justify her feelings for this guy at work. Just got out of the same damn type of problem. Everything was my fault, blah blah blah, oh and by the way I cheated on you.

 

I can't say what I did will turn things around for you, but it did for me. Instead of crying and saying I love you's and looking morose I got mad. Like how dare you treat me this way after all I have done and sacrificed for you. Only at that point, where I got to that point where I had had enough did I get through to my wife.

 

I'd tell her if she wants to "hang out" with this guy friend she needs to get the hell out of the house.

 

No matter how hard it is, you need to make sure that you document everything that has been going on.

[Gunny376]

She doesn't feel hurt by him. She is just making him to be the bad guy to justify her feelings for this guy at work. Just got out of the same damn type of problem. Everything was my fault, blah blah blah, oh and by the way I cheated on you.

 

I can't say what I did will turn things around for you, but it did for me. Instead of crying and saying I love you's and looking morose I got mad. Like how dare you treat me this way after all I have done and sacrificed for you. Only at that point, where I got to that point where I had had enough did I get through to my wife.

 

I'd tell her if she wants to "hang out" with this guy friend she needs to get the hell out of the house.

 

No matter how hard it is, you need to make sure that you document everything that has been going on.

 

Tell it again Brother! Tell it again! Am I to believe you? Or my own lying eyes?

[husbndinthemaking]

This is great if you want to empower yourself... But this will not save a marriage.

[Simplycaroline]

This is great if you want to empower yourself... But this will not save a marriage.

 

Not all marriages are there to be saved.

[Maladjusted]

Tell it again Brother! Tell it again! Am I to believe you? Or my own lying eyes?

 

Believe me, I got to a point and I said if you want to talk to this guy then get the hell out of here.

 

I told her I was done. If you want him, go get him, but you aren't dragging me down with you anymore.

[imagine]

Do please listen to these fine people about the exposure. This is part of the carrot and stick plan of the "Plan A".

 

Read about the Plan A so that you understand what we are talking about.

 

You can find this in the articles of the marriage builders site. Come back as soon as you're done.

[Antax]

Do please listen to these fine people about the exposure. This is part of the carrot and stick plan of the "Plan A".

 

Read about the Plan A so that you understand what we are talking about.

 

You can find this in the articles of the marriage builders site. Come back as soon as you're done.

 

Where is this "marriage builders" site you speak of?