Bob30 Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 I found this forum after losing my fiancee that I've been with for 6 and a half years. Three days ago, she told me she needed space and moved back with her parents. We've been living together for half a year and things were not ideal. We had problems in communication and she was withdrawing from me and from the world. I love this woman more than anything and I don't want to lose her, but I am at a total loss as to what I should do. I know that "no space" can either mean that I'm being dumped permanently in a gentler way or she could really be assessing her feelings. Also, everyone advises that I follow the "no contact" rule, but this is extremely hard for me to do. I'm losing sleep, my heart is pounding like crazy... I think the underlying problem is that she isn't sure that I'll be faithful to her in the future. She's threatened by the fact that I've "more education" (and a job which she doesn't) than her and regardless of how many times I've told her that I don't care about the **** piece of paper, that I love her as she is, I had the feeling that she didn't trust me completely and she could be sending me away to protect herself from being left at an unspecified time in the future. One can never know what the future holds, but at this moment I am 100% sure I want to grow old with her. She says she loves me deeply, but that her love might be one that siblings feel... she also says she doesn't want to be 100% dependant on me.. In addition, she's suffering from depression, and that's another reason why I'm so confused. Everywhere I read that a partner should stick with a depressed loved one to help cope with the illness and it seems I've failed in recognizing how this can influence a person's feelings and haven't reacted properly in time. Now I'd like nothing more than to be at her side and help her recover from it, but at the same time I've been struck with "need space." These are two conflicting advices I find on the net, give her free space and help with depression... I'm desperate, lost and it hurts like hell...
Simplycaroline Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 I found this forum after losing my fiancee that I've been with for 6 and a half years. Three days ago, she told me she needed space and moved back with her parents. We've been living together for half a year and things were not ideal. We had problems in communication and she was withdrawing from me and from the world. I love this woman more than anything and I don't want to lose her, but I am at a total loss as to what I should do. I know that "no space" can either mean that I'm being dumped permanently in a gentler way or she could really be assessing her feelings. Also, everyone advises that I follow the "no contact" rule, but this is extremely hard for me to do. I'm losing sleep, my heart is pounding like crazy... I think the underlying problem is that she isn't sure that I'll be faithful to her in the future. She's threatened by the fact that I've "more education" (and a job which she doesn't) than her and regardless of how many times I've told her that I don't care about the **** piece of paper, that I love her as she is, I had the feeling that she didn't trust me completely and she could be sending me away to protect herself from being left at an unspecified time in the future. One can never know what the future holds, but at this moment I am 100% sure I want to grow old with her. She says she loves me deeply, but that her love might be one that siblings feel... she also says she doesn't want to be 100% dependant on me.. In addition, she's suffering from depression, and that's another reason why I'm so confused. Everywhere I read that a partner should stick with a depressed loved one to help cope with the illness and it seems I've failed in recognizing how this can influence a person's feelings and haven't reacted properly in time. Now I'd like nothing more than to be at her side and help her recover from it, but at the same time I've been struck with "need space." These are two conflicting advices I find on the net, give her free space and help with depression... I'm desperate, lost and it hurts like hell... Consider this a god given sign that she is not the woman that you want to marry. She is insecure and not mature enough to be with at this point. instead of bettering herself she is blaming you for her insecurities and flaws. She may grow to be the woman that you would want to spend your life with but she is not that woman right now. You must decide if you want to invest the time and effort in a relationship with a woman that has so much work to do on herself.
Whey2Big4u Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 give her space and allow her to grow. Just be prepared that people grow in differnet waya and at different paces. It could be a long time and she could wind up with other people for the time being. Just grow yourself at the same time. I know its harsh to rrealize now, but life sucks.
unknown815 Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 I would write her a letter expressing your love and concern for her. Tell her that you are there if she needs you (for the time being). I would write this and then leave it alone. She then knows that you are there and its in her hands. Im not saying you should wait around forever but for the time being let her know where you stand.
Author Bob30 Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Thank you very much for all your replies. Even though they differ substantially, it helps a lot to get different perspectives. I've had a long chat with a friend of mine this evening and he suggested NC (bliss of experience), and even though it hurts like hell, I'll try that. (she didn't return my calls today so I've no choice). My love kept the key to our appartment and left some of her possessions in it so I'm hoping that she's only just considering (I know for a fact that there's no other SO in her life), but I'll do what most posters on this website suggest. NC and see what happens. I'm still considering that letter suggestion, though I'm worried that it might be interpreted as forcing I know you all speak from experience as did my friend and even though the rational side of me agrees, the emotional one won't let go that easy.. I know there's a fair chance I'll come back to this forum in a month or two and grudgingly agree with you but for the time being I'm clinging to hope and the love that still burns strongly in my heart. A friend of mine says I'm a hopeless romantic but I can't help it, that's how I was built.
Author Bob30 Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Oh, one more thing... when a woman asks: "Will you wait for me?" what does she really (as much as really can be properly interpreted) mean?
EmperorR Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Oh, one more thing... when a woman asks: "Will you wait for me?" what does she really (as much as really can be properly interpreted) mean? basically if i go and date a hundred guys and find them all to be dirtbags and realize that you were the sweetest guy in the whole world and i'm not mature and made up my mind that your the best I can do, will you be there when i'm ready to settle down.
Simplycaroline Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Thank you very much for all your replies. Even though they differ substantially, it helps a lot to get different perspectives. I've had a long chat with a friend of mine this evening and he suggested NC (bliss of experience), and even though it hurts like hell, I'll try that. (she didn't return my calls today so I've no choice). My love kept the key to our appartment and left some of her possessions in it so I'm hoping that she's only just considering (I know for a fact that there's no other SO in her life), but I'll do what most posters on this website suggest. NC and see what happens. I'm still considering that letter suggestion, though I'm worried that it might be interpreted as forcing I know you all speak from experience as did my friend and even though the rational side of me agrees, the emotional one won't let go that easy.. I know there's a fair chance I'll come back to this forum in a month or two and grudgingly agree with you but for the time being I'm clinging to hope and the love that still burns strongly in my heart. A friend of mine says I'm a hopeless romantic but I can't help it, that's how I was built. I understand what you are going through and the advice that I gave is easier said than done. It is easy to simply say that someone is not secure enough with themselves and not mature enough fot the relationship but it is HARD to not love them....want to be with them and prove to them that they have nothing to worry about. It is early yet and maybe this is just a time of reflection for her and she will come to herself.
Simplycaroline Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Oh, one more thing... when a woman asks: "Will you wait for me?" what does she really (as much as really can be properly interpreted) mean? That depends on the woman. If your girlfriend just wants to focus on working on her own issues and is not interested in dating other people to "find out where she is at"then obviously she wants you to wait until she clears things in her own mind. If she wants to date other men to see where she is with you then she is not just insecure and immature then she is also using you because she can. The real question you should be asking yourself is do you want to wait? You must decide is this going to be a waste of your time? How is this going to effect you? Think about yourself and do NOT focus so much attention on her she has that covered. You are at the beginning of a spectacular part of your life and deserve to spend it with someone who is worth the effort and secure with who they are. There is a great possibility that if she does not work on her self and you decide to stay with her that you will spend your life being bogged down into the black whole that people who refuse to work on themselves become.
Author Bob30 Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Thank you Simplycaroline for your patience. You're blunt and that's good but you are also empathic to know that what might well be true from the rational perspective won't have an easy time fighting my subconscious and emotions. I do want to grow old with her, but she does need to grow (up) and realize that a relationship isn't built by society and how they perceive us, and instead it is built by the two of us. I can tell her a million times that I love her for who she is, and not for education, but until she realizes that on her own it will never be true for her. I'll give her the space she needs and I'll wait. I cannot say what I'll think in a month or in two months. I know there aren't any guarantees in the world. I know for sure she's not interested in dating other people (as much as anyone can be sure that is) so, for the love I hold for her, I'll respect her wish and let her think without pressure.
Simplycaroline Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Thank you Simplycaroline for your patience. You're blunt and that's good but you are also empathic to know that what might well be true from the rational perspective won't have an easy time fighting my subconscious and emotions. I do want to grow old with her, but she does need to grow (up) and realize that a relationship isn't built by society and how they perceive us, and instead it is built by the two of us. I can tell her a million times that I love her for who she is, and not for education, but until she realizes that on her own it will never be true for her. I'll give her the space she needs and I'll wait. I cannot say what I'll think in a month or in two months. I know there aren't any guarantees in the world. I know for sure she's not interested in dating other people (as much as anyone can be sure that is) so, for the love I hold for her, I'll respect her wish and let her think without pressure. Good for you. Do something special just for you. Be a little selfish right now.
Author Bob30 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 Just thought I'd come back for an update. Its been two months in which I went through feeling sorry about myself to feeling ok. Started working out again, eating better, still not concentrating on the job as much as I'd like to. Also, after a couple (fantastic) sex with the ex sessions she pulled away again, "not wanting to send mixed signals" and after I finally think to have gotten passed the point where going forward seems more appropriate than in reverse and told her this (I also said I started getting attracted to other women) now she's suddenly 100% sure she wants to be with me, have kids etc. But, now I'm not sure I want this anymore since a tun of promises hastily made at a metaphorical "gunpoint" don't ring true in my ears. I've asked for some space of my own, but I've no intention of dragging it out indefinitely as it seems to have been her idea initially.
Recommended Posts