This guy is driving me crazy

[sveltskye]

I'm really close to breaking it off with the guy I'm dating even though I really don't want to. We've been dating for I don't know how long, a month, month in a half? Anyways, he's driving me kind of nuts. I really like him, but I feel like I could kind of drop off the face of the earth and he wouldn't notice. He's so incredibly casual, its just his personality in general, but I feel like sometimes he's paying attention to everything around us *except* me. We kiss and cuddle, but then he does stuff like ignore me for 20 minutes in the bookstore while he browses books. He doesn't flirt or compliment me or anything.

We had a talk, and I said I didn't know where I stood with him and he said that he was "having fun" and wasn't sure what he wanted or where it was going. I am fine with that, I don't want to pressure him into anything, force us into being a couple, or anything. We're holding off sleeping together for an indeterminate time, which is also fine. I don't mind waiting for him to decide whether he wants a serious thing out of this, I just feel sometimes like I'm just some girl who's tagging along with him, not the girl he's dating. I wish this could go somewhere but I'm starting to have my doubts.

I really kind of want to tell him how I'm feeling, but I have no idea how to go about it. I really just want to know that he *wants* to be dating me, that I'm not just some girl to him. I'd like a little more affection, and maybe for him to seem more excited to just be around me. I don't know if there's any way I can get this- I don't expect to change his personality, but I can only take so much, and I know dating should be a posative experience and that I should be with someone who's really excited to date me, someone who doesn't make me feel depressed after he leaves. But I do like him, and I feel like maybe he's just clueless and doesn't know any better.

Any thoughts?

[Geishawhelk]

It sounds as if though, even though you might appear cool with the casual nature of the Relationship. you actually want a notch more than he's prepared to give.

He's stuck in just having fun with a gal, the odd occasional kiss cuddle, fondle--I dunno.... and a very laid-back approach to going out and dating in general...

 

You say -

 

I am fine with that, I don't want to pressure him into anything, force us into being a couple, or anything.

 

but then you add -

 

I really just want to know that he *wants* to be dating me, that I'm not just some girl to him. I'd like a little more affection, and maybe for him to seem more excited to just be around me. I don't know if there's any way I can get this- I don't expect to change his personality, but I can only take so much, and I know dating should be a posative experience and that I should be with someone who's really excited to date me, someone who doesn't make me feel depressed after he leaves.

 

Which to my mind means that you're really not happy with always being the 'nearly' girl.

 

It's you who's grown dissatisfied with this relationship, not him.

It's you who's been left wondering where this is going, and when, not him.

It's you hoping and emotionally 'chasing', not him.

 

Ergo, it's you who has to make the decision.

 

Not him.

he's absolutley fine where he is.

he hasn't taken it forward, or made any 'new' moves.

I'd take that as a sign that he's not going to. Not anytime soon.

 

If this were chess, you'd be in Check.

 

your move.

[Toasted]

"Which to my mind means that you're really not happy with always being the 'nearly' girl.

 

It's you who's grown dissatisfied with this relationship, not him.

It's you who's been left wondering where this is going, and when, not him.

It's you hoping and emotionally 'chasing', not him.

 

Ergo, it's you who has to make the decision.

 

Not him.

he's absolutley fine where he is.

he hasn't taken it forward, or made any 'new' moves.

I'd take that as a sign that he's not going to. Not anytime soon.

 

If this were chess, you'd be in Check.

 

your move. "

 

That is one heaping plateful of Fantastic Advice.

 

Wish I had seen that 4 years ago!

Hold on - gotta write that down somewhere......

[Ruby Slippers]

Sorry, but it sounds to me like he's, unfortunately, just not that into you. If he were, you definitely would know by now. What are you getting out of this? It sounds to me as if you'd be happier with someone who is ready to invest more emotionally and establish an actual relationship with you, no?

[LoveDeluxe78]

OMG, again, I know I've responded to your post before, but I am convinced we are dating the SAME guy!!!! (So sorry for "hijacking" your post again, but I would love to share my situation as well!)

 

I've been seeing mine for 5 weeks now, and he barely calls me or gives me any feedback on this "thing" between us. When I asked him, he said he was "really excited to see what happens", but he books up all his weekends with trips with his friends , friends and/or family visiting from out of town, etc (although in all fairness, these trips/visits from friends/family have been booked way in advance, even before he met me). What's frustrating is that this weekend, we literally went to TWO SAME events and he didn't even invite me! However, he continues to want to see me, initiates dates where we go out and have a great time and end the night with a very sweet, chill-inducing goodnight kiss! I have decided to hold off on anything physically intimate since I don't want just something physical with him. I want more - or at least to see where this could go.

 

I am just confused because my friends are split on this. HALF of them feel that it is where it's supposed to be, that for some people, esp. those with intensive work schedules, activities/hobbies, etc. that two people would only have maybe gone on 4 dates in a month (if we're talking once a week here), and that maybe he's not ready to spend or share the majority of his free time with me yet, while HALF the others are like, "hell no, at this point you should be much much much more emotionally invested in each other".

 

I know I want more, much more at this point, but at the same time, should I respect his "pace" as well? I am starting to feel hurt and left out when he doesn't include me in his life or things that he does.

 

 

So I'm not sure if he's not interested, slightly interested, wants to continue to date me, but not really looking for a relationship, or his pace is just really slow, afraid of what he's feeling, or if he's one of those emotionally unavailable guys! I have no clue at this point! All I know is that this thing between us could be so beautiful if he just opened up to me more. We have a very strong connection.....

[sveltskye]

Aw, LoveDeluxe, I'm sorry to hear we're still in the same boat. I think you might want to discuss with him by the time it hits the 2- or definately 3 month mark. I'm gonna have a talk with mine at that point, if not sooner. It is definately possible that my guy (or your guy too, I don't know) is not into me/us. Ruby Slippers: I've thought that myself and been tempted to say "I don't think this is working because you don't like me enough". If nothing else I'd see what he had to say. I came really close last night when he dropped me off after seeing a concert together without wanting to spend any time with me after, but then he emailed me this morning and said he had a really good time, he was sorry he left but he was just really tired and when am I free this week?

I think if things don't get better I'll get tired and frustrated enough eventually that I'll tell him that or something similar and he'll either a) say something to change my mind or b) I'll be a little dissapointed and just tell him I want to be friends. I'm really hoping for a cause I really really like him. Also, I think part of it is just his personality. He's admitted to me that he has strong filters and is just one of the most laid back people I have ever met. He doesn't seem to get that excited about much, if anything. But he's gonna have to make me see soon that he's got some stakes in this thing we have pretty soon if he wants anything with me at all.

[Ruby Slippers]

No offense, but I think you're in denial.

 

If he is just a "blah" person, why would you even want to be with someone like that?

[LoveDeluxe78]

Aw, LoveDeluxe, I'm sorry to hear we're still in the same boat. I think you might want to discuss with him by the time it hits the 2- or definately 3 month mark. I'm gonna have a talk with mine at that point, if not sooner. It is definately possible that my guy (or your guy too, I don't know) is not into me/us.

 

Thanks for that suggestion! I definitely will talk to him soon! On the other hand, I was thinking I could just "let it be", meaning not say anything to him, but let him come around a bit, and if he doesn't, then it will just fizzle out on its own. And it's hard to describe my situation because some people I've talked to, like Ruby Slippers, have wondered why we're with guys like this. I'm not sure about yours, but mine is such a multi-faceted, interesting person! We have this wonderful connection - our curiosity about the world, life, our love for traveling, for music, for sports, for wanting to explore our family history, our passion about our careers, etc. I feel that he is someone who has the same "zest for life" that I do, and in many ways, that I've lost since being bogged down with my education and then career. When I hang out with him, that passion for exploring my interests, hobbies, and life is invigorated in some way! It's because he's that "get down and dirty" kind of guy when it comes to life and what it offers. Unfortunately, this hasn't transferred over to the area of romance and based on what I've learned about his past relationships, has also been a bit "practical" when it comes to relationships. Maybe he's not meant to come into my life to be a romantic partner, but perhaps just to come in my life and show me some good times and that's it.....people do come into your life for different reasons.

 

With that said, Rubby Slippers asked a good question. What is it about him that makes you want to be with him on a romantic level?

[Lucky_One]

"We kiss and cuddle, but then he does stuff like ignore me for 20 minutes in the bookstore while he browses books."

 

What do you mean - ignore?

 

Do NOT bother me in a bookstore while I am browsing. I LOVE books - all kinds - all sizes - and I love to just spend time wandering aisles looking at them and reading excerpts.

 

Twenty minutes, in all honesty, isn't that long to go without being flirted with or complimented. He seems as though he likes your company and he says he wants to have fun and see where the relationship goes. You sound as though you are a bit too needy for him, at this point in time.

[sveltskye]

No, Lucky_One you misunderstand me. Just because I gave that example doesn't mean that it was the only thing I was talking about. Its just kind of a feel I get from him, that he doesn't engage me very much.

And I have been so incredibly un-needy to this guy, I'm doing the best that I've ever done in that regard. Its not worth it for me to be needy. I didn't even want to bring up any "where are we going, what's going on" talk, it just kind of came up cause I didn't want to get into a situation where we were going to sleep together and I thought he might want to. He's just so incredibly casual, sometimes it feels like he doesn't really notice me that much. And its not that he didn't flirt or compliment me for 30 minutes, its more like he hardly ever compliments me. I guess I'd like to feel more affection from him, but I think he's kind of self conscious or something. He's really just a person who doesn't seem to get worked up over much.

It wasn't so much that I mind browsing for books or him doing so, its more that he didn't really seem to be attuned to what I was feeling at all. And then later he finally seemed to realise that I was tired and feeling ignored and kind of was trying to talk to me more. I didn't say anything to him, I didn't want to make it a deal or anything.

 

I'm kind of approaching it right now from a "let it be" angle too, LoveDeluxe. Like I said, I'm not trying to pressure anything at all. I'm kind of trying to deal with my reservations on my own, that's why I am thinking of just saying lets be friends, but I do think he deserves to know how I'm feeling if I decide to do that.

 

As for your question, I am attracted to him, we seem to have amazing chemistry from what I've gotten out of making out with him, and I find his personality really charming. We're incredibly similar in personality and tastes, and honestly I don't know if I've ever met someone who was quite as compatible to me in certain ways. That's why I don't really want to give up.

[muse08]

"We kiss and cuddle, but then he does stuff like ignore me for 20 minutes in the bookstore while he browses books."

 

What do you mean - ignore?

 

Do NOT bother me in a bookstore while I am browsing. I LOVE books - all kinds - all sizes - and I love to just spend time wandering aisles looking at them and reading excerpts.

 

Twenty minutes, in all honesty, isn't that long to go without being flirted with or complimented. He seems as though he likes your company and he says he wants to have fun and see where the relationship goes. You sound as though you are a bit too needy for him, at this point in time.

i really love this response, but to me it's a debatable issue...depending on your personality, you might take offense to a guy not talking to you/flirting, etc in the bookstore for several minutes...personally, when i'm in a store with a guy im going out with, i tend to really "get into" or get distracted by whatever i'm shopping for and to add a little interest to our "outing" i will sometimes intentionally go do my own thing and let him come looking for me (hide-n-seek! FUN). you'd be surprised at how a guy will respond to this. each time i've done it the guy will come looking for me as if i were gonna get lost like a kid, lol. it's kind of funny.

 

so i'm saying that A) sometimes it's not good to be up under the guy EACH time you go places. sometimes, just go do your own thing and tell him you'll meet him in a

few...B) LUCKYONE<---when a relationship is still kind of new as this one, i would think that the guy should still be trying to woo the female and get her attention...this guy either seems a bit self-absorbed OR SKYE, perhaps try not asking him about where the relationship is going for a while and see what happens. sometimes a man can take us for granted if we are constantly under them or trying to "fit" into their world or frequently asking about the relationship status.

 

so if you back off a little and things don't improve on your behalf then i would suggest finding other interests and letting him persue you and appreciate you a little more.

[sveltskye]

Again, just want to emphasize, I'm not super high maintenance or something- the bookstore was just an example. Mostly its just the very hands off attitude, so to speak that makes me feel kind of shaky.

I did leave him at the concert we were at for a minute to go sit down and he followed me after a minute.

 

BTW, Ruby Slippers- Yes, I suppose if completely agreeing that you may be right is "being in denial" I suppose I am. Besides, I never said he was boring- just kind of laid back and not very excitable. And he doesn't talk much, which is harder for me to understand cause I'm a chatter. But I love his personality when he does open up.

[Trialbyfire]

Ladies, you're chasing men emotionally. In doing so, you put yourself into the defensive position, doing whatever they want, when they want it. In not asserting your own needs, you give them the feeling of security, while never returning your need for security.

 

Don't think I haven't done it before, so this isn't about condescension or anything.

 

Emotionally start to distance yourself. Either he's going to come after you or you've started your own path to walking away. Win/win for you.

[sveltskye]

Ok, that makes sense, Trial by Fire. Thank you. Is there any way to do that without just breaking it off/ threatening to break it off? I don't want to be manipulative or play games.

[Trialbyfire]

To use Geish's analogy of chess, you're at stalemate. In order to shake it up a bit, you need to do something. Putting more pressure on someone who's already distant will push them further away.

 

Think about your own reaction to someone who's distant. You're clinging harder because you fear loss. So, time to turn the tables. If he won't play, then you're no worse off than before except that you have the freedom to find someone who wants to meet your needs.

 

No need to break it off. Just step back. If you're making plans, stop making them. If he's calling and you drop everything to be with him at short notice, stop doing that. Start to live your life independent of his needs, just like he's doing to you.

[sveltskye]

Good advice, thanks Always good to have a life outside of them. I learned that from my first relationship especially.

[LoveDeluxe78]

To use Geish's analogy of chess, you're at stalemate. In order to shake it up a bit, you need to do something. Putting more pressure on someone who's already distant will push them further away.

 

Think about your own reaction to someone who's distant. You're clinging harder because you fear loss. So, time to turn the tables. If he won't play, then you're no worse off than before except that you have the freedom to find someone who wants to meet your needs.

 

No need to break it off. Just step back. If you're making plans, stop making them. If he's calling and you drop everything to be with him at short notice, stop doing that. Start to live your life independent of his needs, just like he's doing to you.

 

 

Ouch, harsh reality, but such great advice, TrialByFire!!! It's just really hard because the natural instinct, I guess, when someone is distancing themselves, is for you to overcompensate, to initiate going out with them, to put in more of an effort; you're EVEN that much more drawn to them! But you're right, it's best to just step back, but I think the fear also is having to face the fact that he may not want to play and isn't that interested to begin with!!!! Ugh, frustrating!!!! But there's no other way to go about it, so thank you for the advice!

[Trialbyfire]

You're welcome sveltskye and LoveDeluxe. It's not going to be easy but neither one of you is happy with the state of things. What you might find is that when you get more independent and you fall into the pattern of equal independence, your guys just might bore you both to death.

[sveltskye]

Heh, hope not. Guess I better prepare myself for that possibility too.

I think that probably some of the appeal for us is the "OMG this guy is driving me nuts!" factor. However, I know I am hoping to get closer to him in spite of that. I like what I see about him, but I feel like I'm kind of admiring from afar instead of connecting sometimes.

BTW, TBF: I'm not sure if I completely understood your stop making plans comment. As in, let the guy make the plans? Or just refuse to see them for a while cause your too "busy"? That latter sounds kind of game play-ey to me.

[LoveDeluxe78]

Good advice, thanks Always good to have a life outside of them. I learned that from my first relationship especially.

 

I don't know if you feel the same way, but the hardest part is where you see each other just enough for you to have a hard time emotionally detaching yourself. The guy I'm seeing still plans things with me once in awhile, and each and every time, I have so much fun with him! I see myself liking him more and more! So it's hard because he'll still initiate things, it's just that he keeps me at such an arm's length - it's almost like he could care less whether I'm around or not, and that's just a hurtful and frustrating feeling....

[Trialbyfire]

When you start getting independent, you make plans with friends and to go places without him. Say he's the one to call, expecting you to drop everything to make time for him. Don't change your plans. Do whatever you were going to do in the first place while making alternate plans with him. This way, you can still see him but on your schedule, not his.

[muse08]

good advice...i'm thinking the short notice availability is what i had a problem with previously. i've learned to not be available for short notice offers, especially if they happen more often than not.