Owl Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Because no matter how much time he spends with me, it bothers me that he's married. I think it's something he needs to take care of. He asked me to give him "until the end of this year" to put things in order, taking care of property issues (she's on his health insurance) and other financial matters. I'm thinking that's only a few months and seems reasonable. I don't believe all committed relationships need to end in marriage. I'm divorced and this would be his second. I never say never, but right now I'm just looking to have a committed relationship with him with no other parties involved. And marriage, even if long distance, puts someone else in the picture. I think there's a KEY POINT here that needs to be thought about in more detail. WHY does it bother you that he's married? WHY do you want a committed relationship that ISN'T marriage with him? What boundaries are you looking for in this relationship? (you want a committed relationship...but not marriage...what's the distinction in your mind?) I think you might consider exactly what it is that bothers you about the current situation...and most importantly...WHY does it bother you? THEN figure out what your next steps should be. What's interesting to note is that you're not being told that this is a poor strategy by all the BS's on this site...you've had pretty equal representation from BS, OW, and others, all giving you pretty much identical advice. Something to consider, no?
herenow Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Maybe I missed this, but does the wife know she is involved in a competition? If she did, she may surrender and then the fight would be over. If she doesn't know that you consider this to be a competition, then it's really not a fair fight. I know you said you called her, but is she aware that you want to win her H away from her? Again, she could very possibly hand him over to you with no fight at all. She may even consider it a win for her if you take him off her hands.
Author mzdolphin Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Maybe I missed this, but does the wife know she is involved in a competition? If she did, she may surrender and then the fight would be over. If she doesn't know that you consider this to be a competition, then it's really not a fair fight. I know you said you called her, but is she aware that you want to win her H away from her? Again, she could very possibly hand him over to you with no fight at all. She may even consider it a win for her if you take him off her hands. I think she thinks I ended it with him. Because when I contacted her, I was ending it with him. A few weeks went by and he called again begging to see me. Then we started up again. I doubt she is aware of this.
Author mzdolphin Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 I went and read your other posts. I don't think you really know one single thing about their marriage, nor do I think that you are more compatible with him that she is. It sounds like he tells you some things, and your mind takes them and runs with it and assumes a whole lot. And as for being everything he says? Pffft on THAT. You contacted an old BF. He lied to you about his marital status. You met up for sex, and now you want him to get a divorce. I would guess that a divorce will be a long time in coming. Sounds more like he has convinced his wife that you are a nutjob who has a crush on him bc he is "famous", and she trusts him inplicitly. >>>>>> Ok the only person who doesn't know what they are talking about is you. First, he is not famous. My status in the field was much bigger than his. She is not known outside of her newsroom. We have mutual friends, so I know a lot about the status of their marriage. I don't believe everything he tells me. If I did I wouldn't have found out the truth about the wife. We more than met up for sex. We talk on a daily basis, usually about everything, except sex. We have similar upbringings and are both Florida natives. We are both huge Miami Dolphins fans. We are both political junkies who have a sports writing background in common. We listen to the same music, etc. That is part of the appeal, we have so much in common. I doubt a divorce is coming anytime soon because he's been living in another state for four years and hasn't seen fit to get one.
norajane Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 We have similar upbringings and are both Florida natives. We are both huge Miami Dolphins fans. We are both political junkies who have a sports writing background in common. We listen to the same music, etc. That is part of the appeal, we have so much in common. I doubt a divorce is coming anytime soon because he's been living in another state for four years and hasn't seen fit to get one. The one thing you don't have in common is that you are single and he is married, and you do not share the same views on him getting a divorce. That pretty much trumps all other areas of compatibility combined.
Author mzdolphin Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 Well said, and what an eye opener for me and my own situation. Perception is not always reality, but he needs to figure that out on his own. It's funny, I came to this conclusion when I was talking to my stepdaughter who is in a relationship with a guy who is talking marriage. I pointed to how he was making all these plans and talking about what they could get for their condos and how he would need a garage as signs he's getting really serious. Then I thought about signs with my guy and thought, what the freak. He is just talking and talking. And then I thought about me, I wasn't making any plans, having dreams about the future with him. I was just happy he was 90 miles away and not all in "my business". Next week is my birthday and he called to make plans to take me to a concert. I told him no. That I can't do this. I told him that he's married and that keeps me from making plans. It seems so silly, but it's important to be able to "plan" things with your partner. Of course he did his sorry begging about how he didn't want to lose me. He wants to be friends, but I told him we need a break before that can happen. I told him not to call me and that I'd call him when I'm ready to talk to him again. I doubt he will observe this. But it's up to me to not take his calls. Who knows how this will turn out? But to help me move along I scheduled lunch dates with a couple of guys I had been putting off. I don't my sister I didn't even like one the guys that much but that having some guy going goo goo over you is a nice distraction when you're trying to put someone else out of your mind.
mistresswchildren Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 First let me say I'm in my 40s and have never dated a married man until now. My situation is that I met this man in 1991 when we were both single. We dated, fell in love, but due to distance and my career, it ended. We had a strong connection and it did not end badly (no hate or never want to see you again stuff). This spring I run across his byline (we: myself, his wife and he are all journalists) and find out he's living with 90 miles of me (we met in completely different states when we were younger). I contact him and he says he's been looking for me. I am divorced five years at this point. He says he is divorced. I find out later that he lied. He is still married, although he and his wife have been living in different states (Va and Ohio) for almost four years. I get angry and contact his wife, via email. I figured it's over. He calls later and apologizes to me. Saying he should have been honest and didn't want to lose me. He said his marriage has been over for some time and now he just needs to take care of things (divorce). At first I told him, call me after you're divorced. Then I started thinking, Hey, you didn't break this marriage up. They have been living in different states for four years (1 year he lived in Florida and saw her three times that year). I figure if he were trying to work things out with the wife ther is no way he'd go back to a woman who contacted the wife. She does not want a divorce. Anyway, instead of pushing him away I'v decided to plan on how to beat the competition. Her strength: She's he wife, they share property, history, no biological kids but step kids in common, family, they were at one point crazy in love with each other (I assume). My strength: He lives near me and can see me weekly. We share similar backgrounds and interest. I'm 15 years younger than her, but only 7 years younger than him. We have a past and many mutual friends. His best friend left his wife and married a younger woman (I'm not cheering this one, but I have to count it as an asset). FYI: I'm not looking to get married. I've made him aware of this. He is truly everything I want in a man, except the married part. So I've decided to fight for the relationship. Has anyone approached the OW status like this? Tell me what your strategy was? What worked? What didn't? He calls everyday and has spent the night here. I took a sneak peak at his cell phone and noticed no calls out to the wife, but she calls him. My name is saved in the cell phone (cell phone activity is the best way to see what your guy is really up to.) Your Weaknesses: You are diluting yourself. You are not respecting yourself. You are ruining your self esteem. You are allowing yourself to be played over. You are allowing yourself to be the other woman instead of the only woman. I say this with all the respect in the world. I do not mean to be overly critical. I am not attacking you. I am simply trying to state what you already know. Don't fight for a relationship that will only drain you of time and energy, and most of all your heart. Let it go. He lied about his marriage, what else is he lying about? I am not saying that you are breaking up their marriage. I am saying that you are breaking yourself down by taking part in this. Trust me, I say this from experience. Please, consider all of this before taking part in this. You will NEVER win. The only way you will win is if he shows up tomorrow with divorce papers. I am not judging you. I am simply trying to wake you up to all of the horrible things that happen during an affair. Please, don't do this to yourself.
whereisthelight Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 it sounds like you made up your plan. coming from a MW...i've been waiting for my divorce papers for 3 years! He is living with his OW...everything about me bothers her. Sadly for her, I will not be going anywhere soon.
Angel1111 Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 it sounds like you made up your plan. coming from a MW...i've been waiting for my divorce papers for 3 years! He is living with his OW...everything about me bothers her. Sadly for her, I will not be going anywhere soon. And why is that - because you have no dignity? Screw what the OW thinks. What are you thinking staying with a man who has betrayed you to this extent? And smirking about it as though you've done something really clever.
Ms. Red Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 Angel1111, She (whereisthelight) filed divorce 3 years ago & it is her H who refuses to sign them. He is the one stalling signing them while living with his OW. She wasn't smirking about it IMO. She was just stating a fact that her H is keeping her around by refusing to sign the papers. _________________________________________________________________ mzdolphin, I like your attitude in your last post. You seem to be putting yourself first & that is the best thing you can do right now. I wish you well. =^-^=
Author mzdolphin Posted October 9, 2008 Author Posted October 9, 2008 Yeah, it's hard (for now) but I really started the see the point that I was wasting my time. Not in the sense of waiting for him, but just not being able to really go all out in the relationship, you know, make plans. He claims he will "take care of things" after the season (covers a sport). I don't even think that's relevant at this point. I think he lied to me and I lied to myself about what I was getting out of this. I was really enjoying reconnecting with my past (as a former sports writer) and what it felt like to be with him back then. But back then we were both single.
Angel1111 Posted October 10, 2008 Posted October 10, 2008 Angel1111, She (whereisthelight) filed divorce 3 years ago & it is her H who refuses to sign them. He is the one stalling signing them while living with his OW. She wasn't smirking about it IMO. She was just stating a fact that her H is keeping her around by refusing to sign the papers. Oh, sorry, I didn't know that. The way she worded it, it sounded different. Especially the, "Sadly for her, I won't be going anywhere soon" comment.
Author mzdolphin Posted October 11, 2008 Author Posted October 11, 2008 I'm amazed, really. I ended it and he's still calling. Wants to take me out for my birthday. I wanted it to end on a high note, you know I care about you, but you're married and I don't want to date a married man. Should I threatened to tell his wife if he doesn't leave me alone? Or just try to block his phone calls. How do you do that on a cell phone by the way?
norajane Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 He thinks he'll win you over if he keeps pursuing. Just stop answering his calls and delete any messages he leaves without listening to them.
Lookingforward Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Oh, sorry, I didn't know that. The way she worded it, it sounded different. Especially the, "Sadly for her, I won't be going anywhere soon" comment. I didn't know one person not wanting a divorce could stop you getting one if you wished, especially after 3 years apart. I'm with you, it sounds like she doesn't 'want to' D badly enough.
Ms. Red Posted October 13, 2008 Posted October 13, 2008 I'm amazed, really. I ended it and he's still calling. Wants to take me out for my birthday. I wanted it to end on a high note, you know I care about you, but you're married and I don't want to date a married man. Should I threatened to tell his wife if he doesn't leave me alone? Or just try to block his phone calls. How do you do that on a cell phone by the way? With the marriage the way you describe it, I don't think that would do any good. How did she react when you called her before? Was she upset that you had been involved with her H? IMO just completely ignoring any of his attempts is the best solution if you are able to do that. You seem like a strong lady who will be able to do that. I wish you well. =^-^= I didn't know one person not wanting a divorce could stop you getting one if you wished, especially after 3 years apart. I'm with you, it sounds like she doesn't 'want to' D badly enough. If you feel this way why didn't you tell her that when you responded to her thread? Also, you may be correct but it doesn't bode well for the OW when "her MM" (I hate that term) won't sign does it?
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