Strung_Out00 Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 I feel awful about trying to erase my ex from my life. I've deleted her number, deleted her from myspace. It was only a 4 month relationship and was a rough "off and on" ride sometimes, but through all the crap and all the negatives, I still care for her very deeply. I loved her and think I still do. Even after all the negative things I have heard about her, how she is a wh**e who plays the "good girl" routine and the lawsuit against her ex, and other things, I still care for her nonetheless. Someone (yet again) said to me tonight that she better pray that her looks hold up because it's all she really has going for her and if she keeps up the way she is, she's gonna end up in a trailer on welfare with 2 kids. She almost didn't graduate high school because she figured her ex would take care of her forever after taking over his father's construction company. With all that being said, why the hell can't I just let go? I am so much better off. I am so lost. Last night my reasoning for going out drinking was that I'm not going to let her keep me in my house out of fear of seeing her in the 4 or 5 bars in my small town. My rationale was if I avoid going out with my friends, she still has control over me in some way. Now that I reflect, I think I was hoping that she would be there so I could ignore her and look like I was having the time of my life and hopefully leave her feeling like sh*t. I wanted her to see me in the clothes she loves, with my tattoos showing that she finds so hot. I wanted her to think "Wow, I screwed up. He's hot and has a great personality. Well, she wasn't there like I expected. She was at her new fling's house and her mood was "aroused". Saw it on myspace. Yuck. It still kills me to think of her having sex with him and if she says all the same stuff to him in bed like she did me. Even while knowing that and how quickly she hopped into bed with someone else, which proves her lack of remorse for the whole situation, I'm still destroyed inside. She is so pretty. Drop dead gorgeous. Perfect body, perfect sex. By far the prettiest woman I have ever been with. Not only was she a 10 and one of the few gorgeous girls in my small town. Then I wonder if I just miss her because she was hot as hell. I'm afraid that I'm spoiled and I've become shallow. Now all I want to date are tens. I want to find someone else just as slam-bangin as she was, but it a small town they are hard to come by, and most of them are taken, or get bombarded by men. I feel now I am going to be forced to settle and I don't want to do that. I'll admit it. Looks are now are very high on my list. They were important before, but I want to replace her with someone just as hot, sweet and funny. Physical attraction and lust are huge to me. I love a personality to go along with it, but I gotta have me a trophy. I know I am in no place to be with someone else. I would be putting them through the same rebound crap my ex did when we started dating. I'm afraid that even when I'm totally past this, there's going to be no one here that meets my standards and she's partly to blame with her "Ewww... you think she is pretty!?" comments. I 'm terrified I will hear that voice in my head when meeting someone new. I'm not even totally sure why I instated a no-contact rule. Did I do it for myself or is it an "F you, I'll be just fine without you. I hope it kills you inside." In my heart of hearts, I know it is over between us. She doesn't feel the same for me as I do for her. It's black and white. Clear as crystal. Yet, knowing all that, I'm a mess. I'm happy one minute, and cool with the whole thing and an hour later I'm panicking and have these terrifying thoughts that I'll never mend. Then I'm cool again. Then I cry for two minutes. Then I am fine. I experience this whole gamut of human emotion in one day. It's literally exhausting. I'm drinking to cope. I've been out damn near every night this week. Being alone kills me. Even when I try to occupy my mind by playing videogames, guitar, cleaning, my mind isn't completely in it. I'm dependent on the comfort of another human being, be it male or female. And I can't be co-dependent on someone else being there. My friends are getting tired of hearing me talk about it. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't know if me going out is just masking my pain or if I'm just trying to live my life. The nights at home alone are unbearable, but I can't keep going out. It's unhealthy and expensive. Guys, I am so lost. She really messed up my head. I know she's not the girl for me, but now I am a shallow basketcase. I need another beer.
You'reasian Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 Dude, don't go out and drink every night. Its not healthy, costs alot of money and doesn't actually help you - obviously, but nonetheless try to stay focused on something you enjoy.
Mike B. Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 Just a few things to consider: - Just as the above poster advised, avoid drinking when you are feeling sad or down. Alcohol is a depressant and it actually makes you feel worse than you did before you drink. It actually amplifies the crappy feelings. -By reading your post, I just didn't see anything that indicated your ex is someone really worth missing bedside her looks and the sex. Now, love is what it is but these strong feelings you have developed for her over such a short period of time (4 months) and letting all of your thoughts flow like above without one mention of an admirable personal trait on her part just leads me to wonder if you are just really infatuated with your ex. -The whole fascinations with looks and "10s" will bring you back to the point you are now multiple times throughout your life until you realy begin to appreciate someone and value for what beneath the surface of their looks. -A very important step in breaking the addiction from your ex is breaking the addiction from talking about her. The more you talk about her, the more she stays in your mind and you become addicted to talking about her to the disappointment of yourself and everyone who is willing to listen to you. Your friends and family will soon start to avoid you, my friend then you will really start to feel alone. -Your ex has moved on. I am sorry but you have to accept this. That is the most important thing to grasp right now. She has moved on while you are stuck in the past. Don't let her leave you in the dust. Start improving yourself and doing things to make you feel good about yourself. Good luck.
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