shadowplay Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 [sIZE=1]I've been improving overall lately, but I'm still fairly thin-skinned emotionally and this is something I'd like to change. I often let my emotions get in the way of my success. I live in a state of fear -- fear of abandonment, fear of isolation, fear of failure. How do I grow a thicker skin and build confidence? I want to believe that I will be OK and successful and happy if I just push myself, but a deeply ingrained belief constantly reminds me that I'm doomed to failure. That I'll never make friends, never be successful, never have a happy, long-lasting relationship. How do I grapple with these beliefs when they are so fundamental?[/sIZE]
persistant Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 Believe in yourself. Do the best you can do for yourself. Don't depend on another person to make you happy cause you will always be disappointed. Know yourself and take care of you. Don't allow others to take advantage of you and don't give more then you have to give. I have been where you are. I still struggle with the old dialogs that use to haunt me in my own head. You are important, you are someone special to someone somewhere, you can achieve whatever you put your heart and mind too. Don't sell yourself short and don't listen to others negativity. Misery loves company. Protect yourself from negative influences even if that means ending a friendship. You will be happier once the pain of the loss is gone. Over dependancy on others will always hurt you. Don't look for your worth in what others think of you. You know yourself better then anyone on this planet. Trust YOURSELF.. hugs
Touche Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 SP, you remind me of me. I always thought that way too. Persistant gave you great advice. I don't really have any answers. It's just that in my experience, after you've lived enough of life and overcome enough things, you just gain some confidence in yourself just by being a mere survivor in this journey we call life. Not all of us make it, you know? You're a survivor for sure. No doubt about it. You're so smart and so sensitive. You'll make it, SP. Please don't doubt yourself. It sucks how we have to pay our dues and go through crap and there's still no guarantee that we'll find happiness at the end. But if you keep an open mind and heart...I have no doubt in the world that you will be one of the few to hit that jackpot/lottery in life.
Walk Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 Join the Marine Corps. Nothing like being told your a fat loser every day for a year to "toughen" you up. Your sensitive because you believe you what the people are saying. It's not so easy to disregard what they're saying when you already believe it's true. Only way I know how to change that is to face your fears. You fail or you succeed, but either way you'll learn it's not the end of the world.
Jersey Shortie Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 I think we have all been there or are there on some level or another Shadow. The best thing to do is break out of your confort zone and try new things for you. I think whether you suceed or fail, you still have the ablility to build confidence if you choose to look at every situation in away that is meant to help you, not harm you. Easier said and done. Do you know that they say the difference between happy people and unhappy people isn't money, or location, or even relationships. They say that happy people choose to be happy. Even though they go through all the same life struggles as everyone else. It takes practice and can be hard but I think you need to change your frame of mind. Break out of your box.
Author shadowplay Posted October 5, 2008 Author Posted October 5, 2008 SP, you remind me of me. I always thought that way too. Persistant gave you great advice. I don't really have any answers. It's just that in my experience, after you've lived enough of life and overcome enough things, you just gain some confidence in yourself just by being a mere survivor in this journey we call life. Not all of us make it, you know? You're a survivor for sure. No doubt about it. You're so smart and so sensitive. You'll make it, SP. Please don't doubt yourself. It sucks how we have to pay our dues and go through crap and there's still no guarantee that we'll find happiness at the end. But if you keep an open mind and heart...I have no doubt in the world that you will be one of the few to hit that jackpot/lottery in life. Aw, thanks. That's sweet of you, and actually lifted my spirits. I find it comforting that you say confidence naturally builds with age. Sometimes I feel stuck or left behind, like I still have the self-esteem of a fifteen year old and I can't seem to move past that. I just have to keep telling myself to fake it until I make it and trust that the confidence will eventually follow my actions.
Author shadowplay Posted October 5, 2008 Author Posted October 5, 2008 Join the Marine Corps. Nothing like being told your a fat loser every day for a year to "toughen" you up. Your sensitive because you believe you what the people are saying. It's not so easy to disregard what they're saying when you already believe it's true. Only way I know how to change that is to face your fears. You fail or you succeed, but either way you'll learn it's not the end of the world. But if I fail, I have nothing. Because without achieving my dreams, like being successful at something I love, my life has no purpose. I don't have friends, so personal success is my only hope for happiness. It's not that I've completely resigned myself to not making friends, but it's always a huge struggle because connections don't happen naturally for me. If I just lived my life normally I wouldn't have a single acquaintance. I had a plan to make friends by joining this weekly excursion for art students, but just received an email from the instructor that there's no more room in the van and I'll have to wait until next semester. I was really counting on that opportunity because art is one of my few interests. I considered joining an outing club, but I fear I'm not in good enough shape to keep up with everyone else (I've never been athletically gifted lol). It's just really hard because I'm devoting so much of my time to school work and my job that I don't have much time left over and that really limits my options.
Walk Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 But if I fail, I have nothing. Because without achieving my dreams, like being successful at something I love, my life has no purpose. You're taking life way too seriously. If you love what you do, then you'll put in the hard work that will make you a success at it. Heck, even if you aren't that succesful at it, if it's what you love to do then just doing it will be reward enough. I know plenty of writers who have struggled for decades to publish a novel. The successful ones are the ones that never give up. No matter how many rejections they get, or how many times a publisher tells them they suck, they keep pushing forward with what they love doing. The ones that don't give up eventually get published. Look at Steven Kings history. He had a pile of rejection letters that could've filled a room. He loved what he did, and eventually he became succesful at it. What I'm saying is, the only time we ever really fail at something is when we stop trying.
Suiyobi Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 [sIZE=1]I've been improving overall lately, but I'm still fairly thin-skinned emotionally and this is something I'd like to change. I often let my emotions get in the way of my success. I live in a state of fear -- fear of abandonment, fear of isolation, fear of failure. How do I grow a thicker skin and build confidence? I want to believe that I will be OK and successful and happy if I just push myself, but a deeply ingrained belief constantly reminds me that I'm doomed to failure. That I'll never make friends, never be successful, never have a happy, long-lasting relationship. How do I grapple with these beliefs when they are so fundamental?[/sIZE] Hey shadowplay, we may not know each other or anything, but I've seen some of your posts and you look like a confident person who seems to have everything together. You even give good advice to others. So, honestly, I'm surprised to have actually read this post of yours. I'm not gonna lie to you, thinking positively sometimes isn't the best thing to do because usually what happens is that people become blinded by what's really in front of them and be in denial. Instead, what you want to do is use your negative thoughts to help you become a stronger and confident person. For instance, the thought of failure: Failure is part of life but no one is ever "doomed" to failure and end with failure. Failure is a stepping stone and is meant to help you realize how you can succeed in the future. The only time a person truly fails is if he/she quits. Don't quit unless you want the thought of being "doomed to failure" a reality. As for not making friends or developing long-lasting relationships with others, those are only your thoughts. Anyone can make friends and anyone can have strong relationships with others. Take it from me, I'm introverted and not all interesting but ironically enough people seem to want to hang out with me. As to why, I don't know, but I sure as hell ain't complaining about it. The point is, if a guy like me can make friends then I'm definitely sure a nice gal like you can, too. In fact, I'd even go as far as saying that you'd score more dates than me. Just need to go out there and give the vibe that you're ready to welcome people into your life because I'm sure others are ready to welcome you into theirs.
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