persistant Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 It's been a long time since I've been in LS. I'm alive and surviving. I do my best to keep myself busy and not over dwell on my life. I still struggle with one man in my life whom I can't seem to move past. He really has my heart tied up. There are times when I want to scream out at the world for someone to save me but I know I am the only one with God's help who can change the direction of my life. I've tried all means to live my life and move forward. But days like today are especially hard. That is why I came here to express myself a little bit before I break. NO amount of logic or rationalizing helps me. I have to live and let live what is. Someday, I believe, this reality will change. For now, I cope, surivive and keep myself busy so as to not fall into a spiral of negative thoughts and emotions. Facing them only brings on more pain and my past habit of making false assumptions and excuses of what my present and past situation is. Embracing what I feel doesnt help. Ignoring what I feel doesn't help. Seeking replacement doesn't help. Accepting what is doesn't help. I wish I knew my direction and how to handle it. I follow the path that leads me and I make decisions along the way that don't offer relief. I yearn for him and I wait for him but not sitting down. I don't even wait for him. I'm always open to whomever crosses my life path thinking maybe there is another who can help close that door and open a new one. I strive for my future, I plan for my future, I walk into my future. Yet I never know what the future can and will bring me. I turn 40 this year. my son graduated from High School and is in college now. I don't run around partying like I use too and I've stopped searching for Mr. Right to save me from myself. (Only I can do that.) I've deleted many people from my life and I've gained a very wonderful friend whom I trust explicitly I come back to LS once in awhile to browse and see who's still here. I see many of my old comrades have faded away like I have. Life has its way of ebbs and flows. I'm ebbing today. Needing to be thought of. Wanting to be held. Needing to cry and can't. Needing to be cared for. Exploding inside with intense feelings I'm too afraid to dance with. I'm needy today so here I am rambling along with not much to say other then simple highlites. till months later...............
Eyeofthoth Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Have you tried aggressively and persistently following all available dating leads? Online, dating services, friends, etc.? This is hard work and a major pain, but honestly, you can meet a lot of men if you try, and that is the only way, in my opinion, to get over the memory of someone who is holding you back in your happiness. It's a big world. Don't let the grass grow under your feet!
Author persistant Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 yes, i have. it is one of the reasons I got into the issues I did. Don't want to run anymore. Just need to sit and wait for healing and movement when its time. I don't want to get over the guy. I want him in my life but his work takes up so much of his time.... I've tried to move on and let go. My feelings for him are too strong. I know he's a good catch. But my neediness gets to me at times. I can only be so strong before i break and need him..
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