Eyeofthoth Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Second to breaking up with someone, this is the hardest phase of dating for me (and I think everyone?) to get through. I met a guy and have been out with him three times with a lot of phone and email conversation in between. He was very gung-ho on me right away, while I was more cautious and slowed things down a little from day one. I think this just had to do with our respective personalities, but a lot of things made me nervous about this: He lives an hour away, we both have pre-teens/teenagers at home (scheduling nightmare), he has been separated from his wife for only a couple of months (claims this was long-dead and won't be resuscitated, but I've heard that before), and of course, as anyone who has followed my heartbroken previous posts knows, I am four months out of a very intense relationship myself and scared of being hurt again. Sounds just perfect, right? Well after three dates I have decided that it is close enough to perfect for me to continue to date him. Meanwhile, this is what he said to me at the end of Date No. 3 (there was more but this is the essence of it): Maybe we shouldn't really get involved because things are so complicated, and I don't want to get into something and then break up because then we couldn't be friends anymore. . . . My response was that it was still early and he didn't have to decide anything yet, but here is the newsflash for him: I'm not going to be friends with him. Either we keep dating or I cut him off. I like him too much already to be "just friends," and since I am on a serious relationship quest, I don't have the emotional energy to be distracted by having male friends I really like who are dating other people. No F'ing way. Pardon my French. Should I tell him this? I think yes, although I will be more gentle about it than that. I think he is right to be thinking more cautiously though. Also, to be perfectly honest, I don't know that I would feel very confident getting into a relationship with him when I am the first person he met post-separation. I would almost prefer that he dated around a little first. I would be okay with dating him non-exclusively for a little while, but not for long, I know I couldn't handle that. He seems like a really great guy and it is hard for me to find people I am compatible with. I had to go through a lot of dud dates to find him, but I am ready to do it again if this isn't right. How do people get through this stage?
shykitty Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 He sounds like a great guy. But he's been burned before...probably some girls have turned him down and told him to "just be friends". Or the other way, where he loses interest in another girl and tells here to "just be friends" and you really can't be friends with someone where one loves the other physically..and one does not return the same affections. I think 3 dates is still a bit too soon..since you really don't know him just quite yet..at least I think. Give it more time..but tell him that his comment does bother you.
norajane Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I don't think the problem is the early stages of dating; it's that he is so recently separated. YOU have had time to date a lot of duds already so are happy to find him. HE, on the other hand, has not. So he's not actually in the same phase that you are in.
Author Eyeofthoth Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 Yes. I agree with both these responses. norajane, I think I am just going to tell him that it is okay with me and probably best for him if he dates around for awhile. I guess what I am not sure of is whether or not I am emotionally equipped to continue seeing him while he does this. I know he needs some time. But what if during this time, he meets someone he -- gasp -- likes better than me! Then I will have to go through another heartbreak and I am barely over the last one! Of course, I told him I was barely over the last one (I am too damn honest for my own good) so this is another reason he is scared -- he doesn't want either one of us to get hurt. I will try to protect myself either way by continuing to go with other duds . . . just to keep my non-options open Does this sound right to you guys?
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