Partying

[AnnPod]

Hello everybody,

 

so yeah, I know I am not the first one to come up with this, but the problem is the following: I am in a transatlantic LDR. I met my boyfriend in NY, I was doing an internship there, and we effectively had 5 months. We had a very beautiful and intense time, so we decided to stay together and try it, even though I had to go back to Europe. I am in a LDR since 1 1/2 months.

 

It's generally speaking ok, with all the ups and downs you have with that thing. Now he wrote me he went out with friends and some girls who are kind of friends of friends, and they were clubbing and dancing, and, as he said, nothing happened, he was just having fun.

 

Yeah. I don't want to be immature or something, but when I read that I really freaked out, I cried and threw half of my CDs against the wall. The problem is also that my father has passed away some weeks ago, and I am not feeling so well anyway. My boyfriend has been so nice and supportive with that, and I don't want to be unfair or something towards him.

 

I mean, there is generally speaking nothing wrong with what he did, he must go out and meet some people, I do the same, I mean I think everybody here knows it's a good therapy against feeling lonely and sad. I am not an excessively jealous person in general, but somehow this really upset me, and I'm wondering if it's just because I am not feeling so well anyway or if it's a normal thing. And he told me what he did, it's not that he's making it a secret. And he is absolutely not the kind of guy that plays some stupid games with your emotions...

 

I am just wondering: Is the problem me? I haven't reacted to him so far, I think for the first time I was kind of glad that the ocean seperates us, because scenes like this really make people not very attractive. In fact I don't even know how to react. I mean would you tell him how much this bothers you, even if you know it's kind of stupid?

[CaterpillarGirl]

It's hard to imagine someone you love having a good time while you are still grieving for your father. It is totally natural for you to get upset and even jealous. And yet, as you observed, he deserves to make friends and have a social life. This obviously does not mean he can go and cheat on you with other girls, but you said you trust him and I think that is a good foundation.

So, it's probably a good thing that you didn't freak out on him and cry and call him names or whatever you did after you talked to him. I'm glad you saved this moment for a time when you were alone in private.

 

Like I said, I understand why this is hard for you, especially since you are no doubt feeling lonely and sad at the moment. You can certainly express those feelings of loneliness and sadness to him, but you shouldn't make him feel guilty about having a social life. Just make it clear that you still need him in your life and that you appreciate his support. If you have a tantrum every time that he goes out with friends - guess what will happen? He'll still go out with them and not tell you about it. No one likes to be yelled at or made to feel rotten, and he'll likely start avoiding you. If you act excited to hear from him when he calls, interested in spending time listening to him - guess what will happen? He'll call more often.

 

Good luck to you, and condolences on the loss of your father. You are doing just fine and I believe that your relationship with your boyfriend can survive these little tests.

[fabulousgal]

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father.

 

It is no surprise to me that you are feeling anger, as you are dealing with something that is very hard.

 

your boyfriend told you, it sounds like he is being transparent about things which is vital for any relationship especially an LDR. you know, when my friends father died, all she wanted to do 4 days later was go salsa dancing. it was maybe a few moments she could take to smile and be distracted as she was very impacted and still is by the loss.

 

perhaps it was similar for your boyfriend. i am certain he is hurting that you are hurting and at times may not know what to do.

 

i would let the waves of grief, anger, shock take its course. be open with him that you feel these things, not in particular about the anger of him dancing etc as it sounds innocent, but because he needs to know to support you the way you deserve.

 

best.

[crimsonrose]

Hello everybody,

 

so yeah, I know I am not the first one to come up with this, but the problem is the following: I am in a transatlantic LDR. I met my boyfriend in NY, I was doing an internship there, and we effectively had 5 months. We had a very beautiful and intense time, so we decided to stay together and try it, even though I had to go back to Europe. I am in a LDR since 1 1/2 months.

 

It's generally speaking ok, with all the ups and downs you have with that thing. Now he wrote me he went out with friends and some girls who are kind of friends of friends, and they were clubbing and dancing, and, as he said, nothing happened, he was just having fun.

 

Yeah. I don't want to be immature or something, but when I read that I really freaked out, I cried and threw half of my CDs against the wall. The problem is also that my father has passed away some weeks ago, and I am not feeling so well anyway. My boyfriend has been so nice and supportive with that, and I don't want to be unfair or something towards him.

 

I mean, there is generally speaking nothing wrong with what he did, he must go out and meet some people, I do the same, I mean I think everybody here knows it's a good therapy against feeling lonely and sad. I am not an excessively jealous person in general, but somehow this really upset me, and I'm wondering if it's just because I am not feeling so well anyway or if it's a normal thing. And he told me what he did, it's not that he's making it a secret. And he is absolutely not the kind of guy that plays some stupid games with your emotions...

 

I am just wondering: Is the problem me? I haven't reacted to him so far, I think for the first time I was kind of glad that the ocean seperates us, because scenes like this really make people not very attractive. In fact I don't even know how to react. I mean would you tell him how much this bothers you, even if you know it's kind of stupid?

 

aw honey, half the pain is because you couldnt be WITH him. you dont have to feel bad for being upset about it. if you ask me, it would have been nice if hed stayed home with you until you recover a bit more from the death of your father.

 

its hard being in an ldr as far as going out goes. cuz its like, irl, you could be taking a bubble bath at home and having a relaxing night, and jsut be mushy for each other when he returns home. but in an ldr, youre really only connected when hes at home and in an environment you can see on webcam and are familiar with. its understandable and its ok to tell him you feel bad about it, but for some reason youre upset that he went out, and ask him to help your through it. never hide how you feel in an ldr it just makes things harder, because then you start to fear he hides things too. tell him its not his fautl and yroeu glad he had fun, but you wanted to be with him so badly it really made you sad. then go from there.

[rinibell-2003]

Sorry you feel that way but that is common in most LDRs trust and communictaion or the big issues you have every right to feel the way you do hugs