moon.fairie Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Sorry it is so long but I wanted to provide enough information Hello everyone, I am engaged but am having an emotional affair with a male friend of mine that I've known for years. We get along great, we freely express ourselves, he's affectionate, caring, sincere, honest, etc. We go out and have good times together - we have much in common. I feel so alive and I am able to express myself freely with him. There is no greater feeling in the world. There is a super strong chemistry between us, but we don't take it there. We didn't in the past before my relationship so we feel it's only right that we don't do so now. The problem is that... he never shared how he felt about me and neither did I share how I felt about him. He knew that I was dating my fiance but did not know how serious it had become until he jokingly asked about our wedding date. When I told him, he said that he had to back off. I asked why and he said that he wanted to hang out so that we could talk about some stuff. I agreed. We did and he told me that he loved me. It was a shocking thing to me because I never knew and wondered how and why didn't he let me know this years ago. I secretly felt the same though and I told him. We are so good together, but I wonder is it only because I'm in a relationship. Do I take this interference as a sign or a test? A sign telling me that...I should've left the relationship when I wanted to years ago and I won't be happy If I go through with the marriage OR a test to see If my heart is truly happy where it is. I've tried to cut off contact with the friend, but it leaves me in severe depression. I'm in love with and love my friend and he hopelessly feels the same. What do I do? here's a bit of history: I am a female who has been engaged for almost 2 years and been in the relationship for 4 years. In the beginning, the relationship with my fiance was extraordinary. We did not share living quarters so when we had the chance to visit with one another, there was a smothering attraction there. I live for that! I love feeling admired, desired, and loved by my mate. Now that we live together (and have been for the past 2.5 years), things are different. We used to have sex all the time but now it is way less frequent. I feel that everything else in his life takes precedence over our relationship. He doesn't like to participate in much of anything I like (festivals, dancing, plays, etc.), he doesn't like to go out much - he's content staying at home most of the time recording music (he's a musician, but he also works full time), he also told me that he isn't that type of guy. He's not the type to show affection. I like to hold hands and such when I'm out and about, but he does not. Most times he is walking ahead of me or walking so fast as if we're in a hurry to get someplace. I used to do sweet things like have dinner under candlelight each day when he came home, but he would just turn on the light claiming that he could not see his food so...that killed my drive to do it anymore. When I first moved in he used to watch porn a lot!! also and we'd argue about it all the time. There were other things too that he'd do that kind of annoyed me but I overlooked them. We talked about ending the relationship time and time again (well I did due to my resurfacing unhappiness with his lack of emotion), but then he'd do something that made me realize that he loves me, but just doesn't know how to express it. Well, I kept boiling his lack of expression down to him being not so experienced with sex or relationships when we met, but after 4 years...some changes should've occurred. I thought of leaving about 1 year after moving in but I stayed. He's a good man. He doesn't cheat, is brutally honest, doesn't like to hang out with the 'boys' all the time, is responsible, mature, and provides me with security BUT what I absolutely need as a person, as myself, he doesn't give to me. I am an emotional person who is guided by her heart and I am not able to express myself freely here because it makes him feel uncomfortable. He isn't familiar with that type of behaviour. I love him, but more so in a brotherly fashion.
phoenixrising Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 What's stopping you from breaking up with him? I have found, in the past, that I've confused compassion for love... it appears you love your friend, and have compassion and caring for your fiance. Please don't make the mistake I made - and marry the guy out of obligation. It's not fair to him. My recommendation would be to take a month alone, without either of the men involved, and things will become more clear for you. If you do this for yourself, you will ultimately be making decisions that are much kinder to the two men in your life.
tanabanana92207 Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Moon , like Phoenix said, don't make the mistake of marrying someone you're nor truly in love with. I stayed married for 15 yrs out of a sense of obligation. I loved my ex like a brother and I eventually realized I was doing both him and myself a huge disservice. People sense when love is not real and the relationship suffers for it. Especially when you feel so strongly about this other person. The fact that you're fiancee is a good man and offers you a sense of security is not reason enough to make that type of committment. Regardless of what may or may not happen with your friend, don't sell yourself short and resign yourself to marrying someone you love like a brother. Do that and a few years down the line, you may find yourself visiting this site as the OW due to dissatisfaction with your marriage.
torranceshipman Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Sounds like your fiance is the wrong guy for you and that the R has run way beyond its course...living together let you see that you werent compatible enough for a lifetime of M. So the best thing sounds like you end the R and then you're free to decide if you want to be with the other guy.
Author moon.fairie Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 I agree that I should take the month alone, but that is sort of difficult to do when I live here with my fiance. I mean, where am I to go for a month? My family lives too far away for me to do so when I work not too far from here and my friends aren't around either. I suppose I could rent a place for a month to sort through my feelings. I just feel that would hurt my fiance's feelings. I know that he loves me and wants to get married and I love him and want to get married also, but I don't want to end up being divorced in a few years. This is why I'm here today. When I marry, I want to be completely and whole-heartedly happy. What makes it difficult to leave is that we share living quarters and with that comes the sharing of living expenses. I would feel bad if I were to leave and he would then have to foot the bill for everything and trust me, they are not tiny ones. Plus he told me that if things didn't work out between us then he'd probably never enter another serious relationship with hopes of getting married and he'd probably never have children. I do feel an obligation, but with that comes the feeling of me living my life for the sake of sparing someone's feelings and neglecting my own.
phoenixrising Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 The hurt he will feel now is nothing compared to the hurt of a divorce, potentially with children involved. I know you feel you don't want to hurt him, I've been there, and the wedding went forward because I didn't want to hurt him. I'm now divorced, because I just couldn't stay in that situation any longer. I know too many people who married out of obligation, and now they are married with OM or OW on the side, or divorced and the children have had the brunt of it. Think long-term... if you know now that you aren't compatible, take the month alone. Get an apartment, anything to get out and see your situation from a fresh perspective. If you care for your fiance, this is the best way to avoid hurting him and his chance to live a life with someone who loves him the way a husband should be loved.
wildsoul Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I married someone who I had great companionship but very weak sexual sparks. We did like to do some light travel together, and were very compatible on the domestic living front. After the marriage, he stopped wanting to do any of the fun things we used to. I stopped wanting to have sex with him. Although we got along, I was unfullfilled enough romantically that I had to move out and divorce. My advice comes from the been there done that school. Don't marry someone who you don't have absolute passion for, as marriage typically lowers the flame a bit anyways!
norajane Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 You do realize that you have to distance yourself from your friend/OM if you intend to stay with your fiancee? Because you aren't being fair to your fiancee otherwise. Can you see yourself married to your fiancee for the rest of your life? Can you see yourself staying faithful to him forever? Having children with him? Can you see yourself distanced from your OM forever?
Author moon.fairie Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 I do realize that if I remain here with my fiance that I have to distance myself from my friend, but I don't know what I want to do at this point. Either way someone is going to feel pain and I feel selfish for inflicting that pain upon someone for my own happiness. But I only have one life to live right? So shouldn't I live it in happiness? Staying here isn't being fair to myself or my fiance. At one time I was able to clearly see myself married to my fiance for the rest of my life, but now the future is a blur when I think us together. I would remain faithful to him for sure - otherwise I would not have gone through with the commitment. The question is though...will I be happy all the while. I do not think so. He'd be a GREAT father and at first he did not want children and I did. We discussed why he was against it, but he came around and now he wants them too, but I've changed my mind about having them if we get married because I do not know how stable or how long our union will last (especially with me feeling this way). I absolutely CANNOT see myself distanced from my friend forever. We've shared too much and I will always think of him if I were to do so. The answer seems quite clear to myself and I'm sure to all of you. It's just so crazy hard to pull myself to end things here.
norajane Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I do not know how stable or how long our union will last Then you need to end your engagement, and certainly should NOT get married if you have this mindset.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 Break the engagement while you still can. The sooner the better. It will cause hurt for both of you, but it will save the lion's share of the hurt that would come if you stayed.
Lizzie60 Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 From what I read here... 1) you are not in love with your fiancé.. therefore you should leave him.. you will eventually be very miserable with him and it will end anyway... 2) your OM is not in love with you.. therefore he will leave you eventually... he had his chance, didn't take it.. but now that you are 'taken' he wants you.. you will eventually be very miserable with him.. and it will end anyway... ... it's a mess...
MizzBlue72 Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 If you feel like this now, and not married, don;t get married yet. You may not be ready (I mean, it sounds like you aren't ready). Why don't you explore this other option? If the fiance truly loves you and you love him, then you can be together later in life maybe - don't know, just a thought . . .
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