taintedlove Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 There's this 25 year old guy at work who is sending signs that he likes me at the moment. However, everyone in the workplace knows that he has been chasing my co worker, a young and attractive girl but he was recently turned down after going on a couple of dinner dates with her. He seems quite sad because the whole workplace knows about the situation. He has now turned all his attention to me. I did like him before I knew he liked my co worker. I am flattered but I have this feeling of being second best. It feels like I'm a second choice and I just picked up my co worker's scraps. I'm not sure if I'm being reasonable because if you think about it, nearly everyone has dated so that doesn't mean we're our current partner's 2nd or 3rd or 4th choice. I am a jealous, paranoid type so that can explain my thoughts. All the guys I have had an interest in have always liked my best friend or co worker first. I shouldn't pass up the chance to get them to know me because of that reason right? Wouldn't you rather go out a guy who has always liked you first and only you or is that a fairytale?
FleshNBones Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Coming in second isn't nearly as bad as being strung along as backup.
carhill Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 OP, everyone a man asks out after the "first" one is second (or third or fourth, etc), if you apply the strictest sense of the rule. Along the same lines, does being my wife's third husband make me inferior to her first or second husbands? Don't answer that I think you know what I mean. Relationships generally are serial. You're in one at a time. One isn't "better" or "worse" or "second". If a guy asks a lady out and she declines, he asks someone else out. It doesn't mean she was "better" or his "first", it's just how things worked out. So, if you had your eye out on this guy and he wasn't giving you the attention you wanted or asking you out and, then, another guy whom you maybe didn't "like as much" asked you out and you said yes, would that make him "second", just because you liked the first guy "more". Did you "settle"? Well, maybe you did, but it's just a date, yes? The really cool thing here is the guy you went out with might see you as his "first" and you might end up having a really healthy relationship after you get to know him. Everything isn't always as it seems. I would resist applying labels to people, but did here for the sake of examples. I know, for myself, a woman could choose me 100th and, if she treats me with love and respect, numbers really don't mean a thing. Life and love do. Hope that makes sense
Krajt Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Never settle for anything less than first place. He treats as you a runner up prize. Tell him to go get lost, the guy sounds like chump.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Date people who don't work with you, then you won't be subjected to the one who came before, or the one who comes after.
Adunaphel Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Do you have the feeling that if you started to date him and your female coworker showed some interest he'd ditch you to pursue a relationship with her? If so, do not date him. If such a feeling is not present, though, I don't see why you should feel second best.
Freedom Now Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Do you have the feeling that if you started to date him and your female coworker showed some interest he'd ditch you to pursue a relationship with her? If so, do not date him. If such a feeling is not present, though, I don't see why you should feel second best. have not been said. I agree completely with this.
carhill Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 And one would have to wonder why a self-respecting woman would wish to date a waffling man ("you started to date him and your female coworker showed some interest he'd ditch you") at all A man naturally casts a wide net. It's the only way he can mate successfully. It's why he may "date" multiple women concurrently. He has no way of knowing who is compatible or receptive to his advances unless he tries. He might "grade" women internally (just as women do men) but no gentleman will ever reveal such information. Beware of a man who plays one woman against another. In the specific scenario provided in the OP, I would beware of that. In a captive environment such as a workplace, the guidelines I opined prior should be refined further. Personally, I wouldn't date in the workplace, but, since I'm my own boss, I have no such conflicts
shykitty Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Stay away from dating in the workplace. If things go bad, you'll have to leave the company or leave the department that you're in. Trust me, I know.
Star Gazer Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 OP, everyone a man asks out after the "first" one is second (or third or fourth, etc), if you apply the strictest sense of the rule. Along the same lines, does being my wife's third husband make me inferior to her first or second husbands? Don't answer that I think you know what I mean. Relationships generally are serial. You're in one at a time. One isn't "better" or "worse" or "second". If a guy asks a lady out and she declines, he asks someone else out. It doesn't mean she was "better" or his "first", it's just how things worked out. So, if you had your eye out on this guy and he wasn't giving you the attention you wanted or asking you out and, then, another guy whom you maybe didn't "like as much" asked you out and you said yes, would that make him "second", just because you liked the first guy "more". Did you "settle"? Well, maybe you did, but it's just a date, yes? The really cool thing here is the guy you went out with might see you as his "first" and you might end up having a really healthy relationship after you get to know him. Everything isn't always as it seems. I would resist applying labels to people, but did here for the sake of examples. I know, for myself, a woman could choose me 100th and, if she treats me with love and respect, numbers really don't mean a thing. Life and love do. Hope that makes sense I agree with all of this.
pretty professional Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Maybe you have always been his first choice but he was intimidated by you, so he asked her out.
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Yes, it would bother me but that's just my ego talking. It's up to you whether you want to listen to your ego or not.
Star Gazer Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I have to add - I'd be okay with it so long as he didn't know that I was into him before going after the "first" girl. If that were true, than like TBF my ego would care...too much.
Stockalone Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 He could have asked you out, but chose to pursue your co-worker. I would not put up with being a fallback option.
Walk Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 If a guy who was in my face pursued a co-worker, then immediately shifted his sight to me when she dumped him, I'd begin to believe that he's A.) Scared to be without someone, B.) Doesn't know what he wants in a potential partner, or C.) Isn't very bright because he's messing around where he earns his paycheck. If I knew nothing about his situation, then I wouldn't care. But since he's willing to do this right in front of you then I think you should go with your gut on this one. If you find yourself hesitant to date him, then don't. Besides, unless you like being jobless in a piss-poor economy then I'd say you focus on work and forget about dating co-workers.
shykitty Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 There's this 25 year old guy at work who is sending signs that he likes me at the moment. However, everyone in the workplace knows that he has been chasing my co worker, a young and attractive girl but he was recently turned down after going on a couple of dinner dates with her. He seems quite sad because the whole workplace knows about the situation. He has now turned all his attention to me. I did like him before I knew he liked my co worker. I am flattered but I have this feeling of being second best. It feels like I'm a second choice and I just picked up my co worker's scraps. I'm not sure if I'm being reasonable because if you think about it, nearly everyone has dated so that doesn't mean we're our current partner's 2nd or 3rd or 4th choice. I am a jealous, paranoid type so that can explain my thoughts. All the guys I have had an interest in have always liked my best friend or co worker first. I shouldn't pass up the chance to get them to know me because of that reason right? Wouldn't you rather go out a guy who has always liked you first and only you or is that a fairytale? no way. no second fiddle.
pretty professional Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 maybe he asked her out, but since realized what a catch the Op is. You know, you don't realize what is right in front of you? I would give him a chance if he has asked you out. If you feel the vibe that he's just not into you and is really into your coworker, just don't go out with him again. It is not difficult to feel if a guy is really 'feeling it' or not.
beautiful_stranger Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 If he wasnt from work then you should date him and find out if you two are really good together, you really have nothing to lose (maybe ego, but that doesnt mean much if it turns out to be a great relationship ). But since he is from work, you may have something to lose.
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Nah, no way. 99% he is only after you now to make the other girl jelous.
pretty professional Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I thought of that also, he's trying to make your coworker jealous. I mean, has he actually asked you out yet like he did her, or is he just chatting you up at work like you said?
Kamille Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 It wouldn't bother me that he'd dated a coworker before. I would go on the date. The one thing : I wouldn't put up with a guy who made me feel "second best" over a long period of time though.
D-Lish Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I'd be offended.... My best friend looks a lot like me- we're both blonde and thin but I have long hair and she has short hair. But I am 6 years older. We are different enough that it's distinguishable... but probably both the same "type"... If a guy comes on to her first and finds out she isn't single and switches his attention to me... I won't go there. She won't either when the situation is reversed. Would I go there with this guy? probably not. You work together, AND he has publically made a play for this other girl- and done it recently. Blow him off.
RecordProducer Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Once I went out with friends and some guy was flirting with another girl. During the night, he started flirting with me and the girl was no olonger interested in him (I wasn't single at the time, so I didn't care nor did I flirt back). But I do understand that she was disappointed, even though it was supposed to be a short fling (he was staying in the country for a few more days only). But in your case, he was devoted to her at the time. Now he's done with her. The "second choice" is not a problem in my eyes. I guess you're wondering if he likes you enough. He could have never met your co-worker and still not like you enough to fall in love with you. Or you could be his second choice and his future wife. I'd say eliminate the ego element. But stay a bit distant and mysterious for him, let him chase after you. Good luck!
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