sad_eyes Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I have posted the details of my affair on this forum already, but quickly here are the facts: I have lived with a woman for nine years, not married but we had a commitment. I met a married woman who had been with her husband for seven years but married for two of those years. We started a PA within two weeks of meeting that carried on for just short of three years until her husband found us out using electronics. I think he heard enough to confirm it by anyone's standars. He called me and left voicemail saying he knew I was ******* his wife and that he's done with her. He called me and asked me if it was physical. I lied because his wife asked me to say it wasn't. He kicked her out but she moved back in within a month. By now I am sure she has convinced him that it was never physical. She has told me as much and said that they never discuss it anymore. It has been about three months since the PA stopped. We have talked some. I believe that she is trying to get pregnant as soon as possible. I believe she is doing this to somehow 'shore up' their relationship. There is a big part of me that wants to tell her husband that I lied--that we were physical, that we made love constantly. I don't think I would ever do this for fear she would hate me, but there is something inside that wants him to know. I know it is a terrible petty thing, so why do I want to do this? Tell me why I shouldn't? Can someone tell me why--even after I fully believe that she has 'thrown me under the bus,' why I cannot stop thinking about and wanting her.
lkjh Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I say tell before she has a child with him and does it again! Don't let this guy get trapped
LakesideDream Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Sad_Eyes, Let it go. She's made her choice, and you know what it is. When it began 3 weeks may have felt like the beginning of a lifetime together. It didn't end up the way you hoped. Telling her husband isn't about you lying. It isn't about her cheating with you. It's about hoping he will throw her out once and for all leaving an opening for you to get back into her life. That stuff doesen't work. If it is a romance that has a future it will need to be when she decides that it's what she wants. You ratting her out, putting her in the jackpot won't make that happen. Does her husband need to know? In some circumstances the answer is yes. In others, maybe not. You should not be the one to provide her husband with "your" truth.
Author sad_eyes Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 Thanks both for the responses. Yeah, as I said I don't think I could ever tell because I know she would hate me and there would NEVER be a chance for us after that. But it creeps in when I start to think to myself 'She's thrown you to the wolves, mate. What's the difference?' Lakeside, I think you are right, but am not sure what you meant by the three weeks bit or by the "your [my?]" truth part. If there was anything that I know for certain to be true about the relationship it was that we were physical nearly every day for three years.
TigerCub Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 even after I fully believe that she has 'thrown me under the bus,' why I cannot stop thinking about and wanting her. How did she throw you under the bus? She was busted by her husband for cheating, its not like she fully confessed, made you look like the person who pressured her into it and gave her husband your address for him to go an beat the ***** out of you. She was caught, she was trapped and she had to come clean. If you're so in love with her, maybe its time to let your SO of 9 years know - cut her loose so she can find someone better. If you feel the urge to come clean about all this I think it should be to YOUR partner.
Author sad_eyes Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 Hi Tiger. Thanks. In my original post I explained that I did come clean with my partner. I told her everything, including the fact that I loved the OW. I answered every question she had no matter how personal and our relationship is in limbo right now. By thrown under the bus I mean she has downplayed the extent of her feelings towards me and told him that it was me pursuing her the whole time and that nothing physical happened. ALL of which are the exact opposite of the truth.
norajane Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 You were together for 3 years, and she's only been married for 2 years? So she went ahead and married her husband, despite having been in an affair with you for a year already? Wasn't that a clue that you and she were NEVER going to be together? Tell her husband. He should know what he's married to before he has children with her. Why do you care if she hates you? Don't you hate that she used you but had no intention of being with you in the future?
Author sad_eyes Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 Hi Norajean, Sorry for being unclear they had been married just short of two years when our affair started. They had their second anniversary about three months after we started our affair. Yes, I hate it. She tells me that she wants to be with me but cannot do it to her family. In her culture divorce is only something you do when your husband is abusing you and then maybe. I don't know. My gut says she just stayed with him because he makes boatloads of money. Yes, I hate it. Yes. And even though I feel like it's all for nothing now. There is a part of me that still wants her. Why? How sick is that? What do I expect? Five years from now, is she really going to call me and say it was all a mistake and she wants me back? And short of that, I just can't take her hating me. And yet another part says let them go on--if it works, they are both as hollow as I feared and they'll be together forever. Or they must really love each other and in that case, forget it. Let her go. Why can't I just get her out of my mind? Forget her? Telling him would definitely seal it for us, though I don't think that's a reason to tell. I am going effing crazy.
norajane Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Bringing a baby into a messed up marriage, a marriage that is harboring 3 years worth of lies, deception, and yes, f*cking another man, is NOT kind to that child. THAT should show you what kind of woman she is, if nothing else. And THAT should be the reason why you tell him the truth about your affair. If he's going to choose to make a baby or more with her, he should know what kind of woman she is before he does it. As for you, you're mired in misery right now due to your break-up. And that is what it is, a break-up. You've had them before, and maybe will have others in your future. You know that people DO get over break-ups, as will you. TIME is really the only thing that helps, but it does work. Right now, you have to suck it up and deal with the pain. Trust that when you do the hard work, you will eventually come out the other side refreshed and so excited about your future and your life. Hold onto that thought, and you will get through this.
Author sad_eyes Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 Norajane, You are right. I read your advice and I feel a little better and get brave and say to myself, 'you know she's right.' You are. Ten minutes from now, though, I'll be mired again. But whatever, I'm going to print your last post, cut it out and put it in my billfold. Thanks. I can't promise I'll tell him. Sometimes it's a battle not to. So we'll see. Thank you anyway. Time to suck it up. We'll see how long it lasts.
pelicanpreacher Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 This women you've professed to love is nothing but a gold digger. Her sole aim in marrying and keeping her husband was to rape him of all he is, was, and will ever be. She has parlayed her looks and vacuous personality to seduce, play, destroy, and dispose of anyone she thinks she can use. Of all the women you could fall in love with you had to pick the "Whore of Babylon"?! Good luck with that! 1
Lizzie60 Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I say DON'T.. only losers 'kiss and tell'... You didn't feel like telling him while you were scr*wing her.. now that you're not.. you want revenge.. this is very low..
TigerCub Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Hi Tiger. Thanks. In my original post I explained that I did come clean with my partner. I told her everything, including the fact that I loved the OW. I answered every question she had no matter how personal and our relationship is in limbo right now. Sorry I didn't read the original post, just this one so I didn't know you told your gf. Well at least good for you for coming clean and owning up to what you did By thrown under the bus I mean she has downplayed the extent of her feelings towards me and told him that it was me pursuing her the whole time and that nothing physical happened. ALL of which are the exact opposite of the truth. Well this does change things in my view because she did the things that I was writing as an exaggeration. If she did say that you pursued her the whole time and all that crap - Tell her husband if that's what you want to do, but it most likely wont be a way to get her back (she doesn't sound like anybody anyone should want back), but if you need to tell her husband before they bring in a child into this mess - then do it, but if it's just as a big F*kc you, you're justified, but you may feel bad about it later because you do still care about her.
norajane Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Norajane, You are right. I read your advice and I feel a little better and get brave and say to myself, 'you know she's right.' You are. Ten minutes from now, though, I'll be mired again. But whatever, I'm going to print your last post, cut it out and put it in my billfold. Thanks. I can't promise I'll tell him. Sometimes it's a battle not to. So we'll see. Thank you anyway. Time to suck it up. We'll see how long it lasts. I'm glad I could help!
Author sad_eyes Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 Thanks all, No worries, Tiger. It's a long mess. Thanks for your responses. Lizzie: I get your point about not telling, but he knows already but just not the whole story and you couldn't be more wrong about me not wanting to tell while I was screwing her. I wanted to tell him every time I saw him. I wanted to shout it from rooftops. I wanted to tattoo it to my effing forehead. Pelican: I think you are right. She loves the name-brand lifestyle and world travel. What is hard is that I know this but still love her madly. What is wrong with me? We had so many great times (not all sexual). I know I won't satidfy that and that being a disqualifief should and does make me angry, yet I can't get her out of my heart. I feel so played. I tell myself she would be with me if she could. I get angry and say if she loved me, really, it wouldn't matter. In the end I think I just don't want to hurt her. AHHHHH!
whichwayisup Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Have you read all of stampdaddy's threads? Very similar...Go read and really read the advice given on his threads, it'll help you as well. Same as SD's MW - Your MW loves herself MORE. Bottomline though, she chose her life as she knows it over starting a new one with you. Has nothing to do with love, it has to do with her not being able to cope with the losses she'll have to give up, let alone lose respect from family, inlaws, and upheave her kids lives. She can't throw it away, let alone walk away. Sooner or later you have to decide to let go. Telling her husband isn't going to change anything in your benefit.
Author sad_eyes Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 Thanks WWIU. You are right about everything, especially her loving herself more. Though, she doesn't have kids yet. That is the thing that's bothering me. She is so strong-minded that I think she's going to hurry and have kids to cement her relationship. Whatever. She didn't pick me. I want to drink gasoline.
whichwayisup Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 She didn't pick me. I want to drink gasoline. Nah, have water instead. Safer for you!!
Meaplus3 Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I have posted the details of my affair on this forum already, but quickly here are the facts: I have lived with a woman for nine years, not married but we had a commitment. I met a married woman who had been with her husband for seven years but married for two of those years. We started a PA within two weeks of meeting that carried on for just short of three years until her husband found us out using electronics. I think he heard enough to confirm it by anyone's standars. He called me and left voicemail saying he knew I was ******* his wife and that he's done with her. He called me and asked me if it was physical. I lied because his wife asked me to say it wasn't. He kicked her out but she moved back in within a month. By now I am sure she has convinced him that it was never physical. She has told me as much and said that they never discuss it anymore. It has been about three months since the PA stopped. We have talked some. I believe that she is trying to get pregnant as soon as possible. I believe she is doing this to somehow 'shore up' their relationship. There is a big part of me that wants to tell her husband that I lied--that we were physical, that we made love constantly. I don't think I would ever do this for fear she would hate me, but there is something inside that wants him to know. I know it is a terrible petty thing, so why do I want to do this? Tell me why I shouldn't? Can someone tell me why--even after I fully believe that she has 'thrown me under the bus,' why I cannot stop thinking about and wanting her. IMO, You had the chance to tell the truth the first time around and you choose not to. I think your going to open a whole new can of worms so to speak by saying anything at this point. Also, what would your telling the truth now accomplish? Think about that. Good luck. AP:)
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