Mutual friends, NC and the ex

[RogueAC]

I am looking for ideas/thoughts on the best way to cope with good friends who are friends with and/or have close contact with the ex.

...............

 

A very close female friend is married to the ex’s best friend. My friendship with this couple is separate and distinct from the ex.

 

When the ex and I broke up, I asked the couple not to talk to me about the ex (trying as much NC as possible). This has translated into the couple not inviting me to the same events as the ex. I appreciate that they are respecting my NC wishes but I also feel hurt by their exclusion. To make matters worse, they are transparent enough that when they talk about an event and don’t invite me, I know it is most likely because the ex is going.

 

I expressed my concerns with my friend and her husband about the above and it was agreed that they would try to handle things differently. While I don’t want them to choose sides, it hurts when they choose him over me. It's like a double rejection: first the ex breaks up with me and now my friends choose to spend time with him instead of me. Take tonight for example – a house warming party and birthday for a mutual acquaintance-- my friend did not call me because the ex is going with her husband later in the evening.

 

I don’t know if it is better to be invited knowing the ex will be there or to not be invited and feel like my friends are excluding me. I want NC so even if I don't go, being invited with the disclaimer that the ex will be there keeps me in "contact” with him, but at the same time, I don’t want to lose some of my closest friends because of this break up. Any thoughts?

 

I need your help today ladies and gents. Last night I had to avoid my favorite restaurant because the ex was there and now, the fun plans I had for tonight are shot…

[Sysyphus28]

That blows. When me and my ex moved to carolina we met the same people and made alot of mutual friends. I went over thier a few sundays ago and she was their sleeping on the couch. It was a S*&*-show. I have just pick and choose when to chill with my buddies....and spend more time hanging out with friends that are not mutual.......

Thats it.......if they remind you of her, hang out with a good book, or some NEWER PERSON.

[CaliGuy]

A couple thoughts.

 

You're not going to be able to avoid your ex forever. You will most likely bump into him. Why should YOUR life be so severely altered because he is there? When I started racing, I knew my ex was going to be there. I didn't care. I wasn't going there to see her. I was going to have fun whether she was there or not. When I did see her I simply ignored her. Eventually I just stopped thinking about her completely.

 

You need to find some new best friends. Yes, it's going to hurt when you are excluded from some events but you can also not expect to be their friends AND dictate to them who they can or can not be friends with. If I was in your position, I have been, I have simply found new friends. I'm extroverted enough that I am not worried if I lose a friend, I know I'll gain another. My point is simply that you can't control them and getting upset over it won't solve anything. Just stop hanging out with them and find some new friends. If they invite you to a get together, start declining. They'll get the hint and either decide they want to accommodate you more or not.

 

You can't live your life in fear of "bumping" into your ex. The only way to rebuild confidence and self esteem is to FACE your fears. And trust me, there is NO GREATER REVENGE against an ex than to live a life WELL LIVED WITHOUT THEM.

 

See what I am saying here? Live your life, have fun and when the time comes when you do bump into him, smile, say hello and keep walking. You've got way more important things to do in your life than worry about bumping into a nobody...

[0hpenelope]

I am looking for ideas/thoughts on the best way to cope with good friends who are friends with and/or have close contact with the ex.

...............

<snip>

 

I'm giving a nod of good recognition to Sir CG. Once again, very good practical advice.

 

I think what it also comes down to is this: that none of us can control what other people are doing. We can only control ourselves. Your close female friend is not choosing sides and she and her husband enjoy both of your companies. If my assumption of how they're thinking is right, they're thinking that they've got nothing to do with the issues between you and your ex-bf. You've done what you could, you've talked to them and you're still feeling hindered with your healing progress with how your close-knit friend is also in constant contact with an ex.

 

I've been there, too. I never forced my friends to stop being friends with Lawrence, but they saw how he ended communication with them coldly. One of them thought they became pretty close, but nope... turns out she thought wrong. They were left with no answers - just questions.

 

I think instead of stressing about this, you can nurture your other friendships, too. When the time comes that your close friend starts hurling the whole "You're being illogical about this, why did you stop being friends with us just because we were in contact with him," hoopla... The self isn't made for too much self-sacrifice. I think that self-sacrifice is good when it makes you happy. We've got good examples of those and I know I felt good when a portion of my check went to the local food bank every 2 weeks. But when sticking around them is not good for you and your relationship with them? I think you should book it before things go sour.

 

Sorry for the long post, Rogue. How are you with this situation now?

[RogueAC]

Thanks OhPen, CG and Sys for your thoughts. Rereading this post today, I didn’t realize just how much energy I spent thinking and stressing about this! Wow! I really appreciate your ideas and support.

 

I do have other solid friendships [read: best friends] and I am definitely spending time with those people. Actually, I did not realize how strong my support system was until I had to put it to the test. I know now that I am very lucky woman. After reflection over this post and the situation, I understand that the things I can/could change are my feelings and reactions to my friends and the ex (CG, your posts are finally starting to sink in! Yea!).

 

In the end, I decided to go to the party and I had a great time. There was a brief and polite exchange with the ex and then I continued mingling and having fun without him. The ex left me a message the next morning saying it was so great to see me and asked to do something with me over the weekend, yadda, yadda. I responded with a no thanks. And I feel okay after that exchange.

 

And, if anyone is wondering, I realized two really important things:

 

1. Use NC as a means to heal, not avoid feelings or situations
   
2. Pay attention to how I feel and react--make changes when/where necessary
   

Thanks again for listening. I am in a good place today but this rollercoaster might throw me for a loop tomorrow.

[CaliGuy]

That's great news, Rogue! As I said before, you have to face those fears. If your ex is there, SO WHAT?! The best revenge you can ever have is for them to see you HAPPY and HAVING FUN without them (That alone will drive them bonkers! - haha. They're happiest when you are SAD without them. It's very sick and twisted, but that's life).

 

Your mutual friend will be happy because they no longer have to take sides as it pertains to you and your ex. And, you got the added benefit of your ex wanting to hang out and YOU saying NO!

 

I would say that was a BRILLIANT success Great job!

 

(And I bet you got one heck of a confidence boost, didn't ya?! )

[RogueAC]

 

I would say that was a BRILLIANT success Great job!

 

(And I bet you got one heck of a confidence boost, didn't ya?! )

 

CaliGuy, I hadn't thought about it like this, but yes, I'd agree a success and confidence boost!