I'm inadequate - would you be angry at this?...

[Miss K]

Boyfriend made me feel so crap today.

 

I spent a long time last night cooking lunch for him and today he calls me at work and tells me that 'I didn't like the paleness of the chicken you cooked so I threw the lunch you made in the bin". He says he likes chicken when it is really dark and well cooked. He is Jamaican and loves his own culture's food whereas I am not Jamaican and can't cook Jamaican food at all.

 

This isn't the first time he has done something like this.

 

(Brief history: together 3 1/2 years, lived together 3 years, planning future together, buying house soon)

 

While I know that he is only being honest, it hurts that I made him a lunch that wasn't liked. He didn't even taste the rest of the food with it and told me that it ruined his appetite.

 

He did something similar earlier this week and it has been a fairly regular occurance for a few months.

 

I don't know if I should feel angry about this or not. I told him over the phone that I was hurt by what he said - like I am inadequate. I was really tempted to tell him to get in a relationship with a Jamaican woman who would cook his favourite foods for him just the way he likes it.

 

I didn't say it though. Just one of those spur-of-the-moment things that runs through your head.

 

Am I right to be hurt, or am I being ridiculous?

[Stockalone]

All of us have our own cooking style, even if we have the same cultural/culinary background. Preparing food that is different from our own ethnic heritage/background is far from easy, it's nearly impossible to get it right.

 

To call you at work to scold you because he didn't like his lunch is way out of line. Sometimes, things go wrong and a certain meal doesn't taste all that great. When that happens once in a while, he can always throw it away but keep his mouth shut about it.

 

But he should appreciate the gesture and there is absolutely no reason to be mean to you. After all, you took the time to do something nice for him.

 

If he doesn't like your cooking, then he can teach you some tricks to make it taste "better" (more to his liking).

 

If all he can do is complain about it when you cook something that he doesn't like, I would tell him that he can prepare his own lunch from now on.

 

PS:

Just because he doesn't like your food, that doesn't make your food inadequate. It makes it different. And it certainly doesn't make you inadequate. By the way, how are his cooking skills?

[carhill]

Beware of a man who criticizes his woman's cooking

 

I do most of the cooking and my wife knows better than to criticize, lest she be eating TV dinners that she buys herself

 

He did something similar earlier this week and it has been a fairly regular occurrance for a few months.

My instinct is it isn't about the food. Better get to what it's really about before buying that house

[jmargel]

Miss K, you can cook for me anytime.. My wife hardly ever cooks for me and it sucks. My mom, grandmother and my wife's own mother cooks very, very good. You would think she would take an interest or want to cook.. Nope.

 

Take a piece of chicken, burn it to a crisp and then give it to him. I swear some guys have no idea how good they have it.

[Curmudgeon]

Like Carhill said, I'd be very wary of buying a house with this man who is rude, thoughtless, hurtful, demanding and controlling. Not only that but I don't think he's very nice!

 

You can do better -- lots better!

[Moose]

'I didn't like the paleness of the chicken you cooked so I threw the lunch you made in the bin".

Next time he says something like this, respond with, "Well, I don't like the way you kiss either, but I still suffer through it...."

 

Or be more creative.....

[Miss K]

Next time he says something like this, respond with, "Well, I don't like the way you kiss either, but I still suffer through it...."

 

Or be more creative.....

 

Love it!

 

But he would throw me out if I spoke to him like that. He is quite controlling and, I hate to say it, I feel I am in an abusive relationship. Not just for this cooking thing which is quite minor, but for some other issues which I haven't mentioned. He says he likes his women to be submissive and quiet - when he met me I was anything but!

 

And when he gets home from work tonight, he won't be speaking to me. He knows he upset me and so HE ignores ME with the intention that I come to him and apologise for causing problems.

 

I stopped doing that a long time ago and started standing up for myself.

 

Thanks everyone for replying. I guess I will incinerate the food next time!

[Geishawhelk]

Please do not consider sdtaying any longer than you really have to.

he's a bully, plain and simple, and he's eroding your self-esteem and kindness.

You're right.

Do not apologise, don't explain, do not 'go to him'.

Just act as if nothing whatsoever had happened, and tell him what a wonderful lunch YOU had....

His attitude is destroying you, and you really do need to decide why you are quite content to let it continue.

If you're not content, you need to enlist the help of a friend, and move out one day, when he's not home.

Leave him a note by all means, but don't tell him where you've gone, and leave your mobile at home. Get yourself a new one. Whatever.....

But this really is not healthy....

Really.

You need to put some distance between you and him, and re-find yourself.

[carhill]

OP, have you talked with your BF in person about this issue, preferably when his belly is full with your "bad" cooking?

[Moose]

He says he likes his women to be submissive and quiet

HUGE red flag (in bold).

 

Submissive and quite is fine, IF it's in reverence for your mate.....if not....screw him and get out....hearing the words, "my women" doesn't sound like to me he's one to be revered....

 

Just guessing, but does he have any friends?

[jmargel]

Love it!

 

But he would throw me out if I spoke to him like that. He is quite controlling and, I hate to say it, I feel I am in an abusive relationship. Not just for this cooking thing which is quite minor, but for some other issues which I haven't mentioned. He says he likes his women to be submissive and quiet - when he met me I was anything but!

 

And when he gets home from work tonight, he won't be speaking to me. He knows he upset me and so HE ignores ME with the intention that I come to him and apologise for causing problems.

 

I stopped doing that a long time ago and started standing up for myself.

 

Thanks everyone for replying. I guess I will incinerate the food next time!

 

What other issues are you talking about? Now is the time to talk about them. Most of us here have gone through alot and at least one abusive relationship. We are here to help.

 

Look at things this way.. The problems you have now get magnified by ten after you get married. Trust me on this. Hope you can let us know what else is going on.

[Miss K]

Ok here's why leaving is a problem.

 

I overstayed my work visa in the US and now I can't get anywhere to live by myself, can't get a driver's license, can't have a credit check done etc etc.

 

Yes I know I should return to the UK but he convinced me that he would sort my residency out for me (he is a permanent resident but not a citizen - marriage to him not an option...luckily). My workplace haven't realised that my permit has expired and I do worry a little about this.

 

Please no angry remarks about my status, I know what I am doing is wrong.

 

So basically I am trapped. Boyfriend knows this and he knows I can't leave. I feel awful saying this but I think he likes having me in this position because it makes him feel in control.

 

Other issues in the relationship which I am totally embarrassed about are:

 

Doesn't like me inviting friends over (he has one friend by the way)

Thinks I don't clean well enough

Likes me wearing clothing from a particular store only

Will not allow me to leave the house without him (e.g. to go to the store) or else he tells me to not come back. I have left a couple of times with the full intention of not going back, but he has always come after me.

Does not like me reading when he is watching tv even though he watches stuff I am not interested in.

 

And on and on

[Geishawhelk]

Miss k, who do you have in the UK? because the simplest thing to do would be to turn yourself in.... Then they'd deport you.... back to here.....

 

Get yourself back home!!

[Moose]

(he has one friend by the way)

That's what I thought....

 

Most of the time this is a good indication of someone who's severly insecure.

 

Right now this is just emotional abuse, it WILL esculate!!! Get an exit strategy forumulated asap!

 

I like Geishawhelk's suggestion....maybe you should do just that...

[soserious1]

Just addressing the food issue here, but have you considered the fact that he's basically told you more than once that he prefers his meat more well done than you're cooking it?

 

I prefer meat and poultry cooked on the well done side,nothing turns my stomach quicker than cutting into meat and seeing blood running out or cutting into chicken and seeing too much pink close to the bone.I got really ill once from undercooked meat and I will also discard a meal that's served to me undercooked if I cannot easily slip it back into an oven or broiler.Btw, I never complained if well done meat was tough, I'd rather risk char broiled than try to eat things that are undercooked

 

My soon to be ex-hubby was quite fond of bragging about how he did all the cooking but would repeatedly serve me pink pork, bloody steak and undercooked chicken, no matter how nicely I repeatedly told him that rare meat made me queazy, he liked his meat rare and by golly that's how everybody else's was served too.. I wish I had a buck for every time I cut into a steak only to have bloody juices come streaming out all over the veggies and rice, ruining them.

[You'reasian]

Boyfriend made me feel so crap today.

 

I spent a long time last night cooking lunch for him and today he calls me at work and tells me that 'I didn't like the paleness of the chicken you cooked so I threw the lunch you made in the bin". He says he likes chicken when it is really dark and well cooked. He is Jamaican and loves his own culture's food whereas I am not Jamaican and can't cook Jamaican food at all.

 

This isn't the first time he has done something like this.

 

(Brief history: together 3 1/2 years, lived together 3 years, planning future together, buying house soon)

 

While I know that he is only being honest, it hurts that I made him a lunch that wasn't liked. He didn't even taste the rest of the food with it and told me that it ruined his appetite.

 

He did something similar earlier this week and it has been a fairly regular occurance for a few months.

 

I don't know if I should feel angry about this or not. I told him over the phone that I was hurt by what he said - like I am inadequate. I was really tempted to tell him to get in a relationship with a Jamaican woman who would cook his favourite foods for him just the way he likes it.

 

I didn't say it though. Just one of those spur-of-the-moment things that runs through your head.

 

Am I right to be hurt, or am I being ridiculous?

 

I can see why you're hurt; you made lunch for your man and he didn't appreciate it - that's too bad.

 

Well, if he were resourceful he'd just use some hot sauce or spice to add to the chicken, enjoy his meal, come home to you, give you a big ole bear hug (you know the ones) and be thankful that there are women who still cook lunch for their men.

 

And yes, one of the ways to our hearts is through our bellies!!

 

For our females, we love it when you cook for us....well atleast I do!

[Kenyth]

The problem here isn't food. The problem is him. The way you fix it, is by leaving. Get married to him and you can look forward to years of the same. Is he that good looking, that you subjugate yourself to this? If so, you may want to reorganize your priorities in a mate.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Will not allow me to leave the house without him (e.g. to go to the store) or else he tells me to not come back. I have left a couple of times with the full intention of not going back, but he has always come after me.

Does not like me reading when he is watching tv even though he watches stuff I am not interested in.

 

Those struck me as possibly the worst of the worst. You cannot READ? My exh was like that, wanted me to stare at him while he stared at the TV, wouldn't let me go to the grocery store by myself...

 

He eventually put my head through a wall and I left.

[Lookingforward]

Ok here's why leaving is a problem.

 

I overstayed my work visa in the US and now I can't get anywhere to live by myself, can't get a driver's license, can't have a credit check done etc etc.

 

Yes I know I should return to the UK but he convinced me that he would sort my residency out for me (he is a permanent resident but not a citizen - marriage to him not an option...luckily). My workplace haven't realised that my permit has expired and I do worry a little about this.

 

Please no angry remarks about my status, I know what I am doing is wrong.

 

So basically I am trapped. Boyfriend knows this and he knows I can't leave. I feel awful saying this but I think he likes having me in this position because it makes him feel in control.

 

Other issues in the relationship which I am totally embarrassed about are:

 

Doesn't like me inviting friends over (he has one friend by the way)

Thinks I don't clean well enough

Likes me wearing clothing from a particular store only

Will not allow me to leave the house without him (e.g. to go to the store) or else he tells me to not come back. I have left a couple of times with the full intention of not going back, but he has always come after me.

Does not like me reading when he is watching tv even though he watches stuff I am not interested in.

 

And on and on

 

I know you said no remarks re your "status" but honestly........you didn't overstay your visa for THIS guy apparently...so what IS holding you here?

 

Better if you do what another poster suggested and front up to the INS and face the music, at the very least whatever happens you'll be out of THIS situation.

[moonmosaic]

Why stay with a guy who is abusing your situation? I am from UK too and I wouldn't know how to cook Jamaican food. I would be appalled if someone did something like that to me. The guy seems to be lacking some serious social skills. If he is a green card holder I don't think he can help your position until he gets his citizenship. Don't buy a house with him or get financially commingled until then. You will feel even more at his mercy because of your unfortunate status.

[Miss K]

Thanks all for your replies.

 

Back onto the food issue, yes he did tell me (once) that he likes meat to be well done.....but this chicken WAS well done. I think it is more the manner he told me rather than my cooking. I can do a damn good curry, and he knows this. I just got a little oversensitive and hurt.

 

And the immigration issue is really tearing me up. Back in the UK I have all my family but no job to go back to or hope of getting one. I am also seriously in debt with nothing to show for it - no car, house or anything of value. So my thinking is to keep working at my current job (in the US) which pays well, pay off more of my debts and then think about relocating.

 

I don't think I could deal with the stigma of being deported. I am from a small town and word gets around. Right now people think I am living this amazing life...emigrated, working abroad, living with a great man etc etc. I would feel humiliated returning. I guess that is the big issue.

 

And I did overstay my visa because of him.

 

Now I see why he has never lived with a woman before.

 

Becoming a crazy cat lady has never been more appealing!

[CarrieT]

 

I don't think I could deal with the stigma of being deported. I am from a small town and word gets around. Right now people think I am living this amazing life...emigrated, working abroad, living with a great man etc etc. I would feel humiliated returning. I guess that is the big issue.

 

There are obviously some much bigger issues here like the GLARING fact that you are far too concerned what others think about you instead of how YOU feel about yourself. That you are willing to be subjugated and humiliated by this man you have given up your family for is a lesser evil than neighbors in your town depicts a deep insecurity.

 

We can all heartily suggest that you get yourself back to the UK and the comfort and support of your family, but being able to be honest with friends and say, "yes, I went abroad and it didn't work" is hardly the most humiliating things you will ever have to go through and you would ultimately be MUCH better off with the support of your family than with this guy who is controlling and ruining your life (not letting you READ?????) Get a grip!

[torranceshipman]

I agree with CarrieT-I think it shows a lot of insecurity that you'd stay in an abusive R, just so people in your hometown wont talk/criticize. Who cares about them? By the next week they'll forget and have something new to talk about anyway-theres always a new drama to gossip about with those people. Plus whats to stop you making up a story anyway? Say you had an incredible time but you loved good ol' Blighty so much you wanted to eventually come back, with all those amazing memories in tow. You should go home, away from this nasty guy. He's probably really killed your confidence already-and its awful you said you were over sensitive about him criticizing your lunch. That was a really nasty thing of him to do when youd gone to that trouble to make him his lunch, and he knows exactly what he's doing by criticizing you like that.

 

He's a nasty, controlling BULLY with rubbish social skills and no friends-I mean c'mon, you can do better. And he's pretty much made you question yourself, subjugate yourself and be kind of obedient to him-it makes me cringe even typing that!-but its true. I can see your self esteem is pretty low right now. I really hope you dont stay as this guy is going to get a whole lot worse than he is right now. And not reading a book while he's watching tv? I mean, what the hell is that about!?! What a complete freak. There's a LOT wrong with this guy!

[Jo78]

So you're an illegal alien, work without a valid permit, and live with a controlling, potentially abusive guy. You need to sort your life out, girl!

 

As for the well paying job. Your company should have noticed that your visa ran out. Somebody someday WILL notice, and that's when not only you will get deported. But also you company will have to pay a fine big time! So leave now, voluntarily. There is no shame in changing your mind. You don't have to go back to the small town. Look for a job in a bigger city. Companies will value the international experience you gained and your family will be thrilled to have you closer.

 

Do not be too sure that everything will work out once he gets citizenship and you marry. I know of someone who was born a US citizen, married a Brazilian girl and their petition for her Green Card was denied because of her being an illegal alien. You need to file the petition while you are still in status. Once they work on it, it doesn't matter anymore if your visa expires, because you're 'pending'. But not being in a legal status before you file the petition will complicate things.

She was deported and he had a hard time smuggling her back into the country through Mexico. That all happend while she was married to a US citizen, so don't count on that. Would he move to the UK with you if your Green Card doesn't work out?

 

As for the chicken. BF knows better not to complain about my cooking, because my answer would be:"Next time you cook, you can make the chicken just the way you like it!"