nicole37 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Hello all... thanks for taking some time as this one might be sorta long. My BF and I have been together since we were 16 - celebrating 11 years this month. We have been creative partners, business partners, and have performed, worked together in many facets. Our personal relationship has had our ups and downs. I'll get into all of that breifly. We work together, live together, own cars and expensive equipment together. Because of different personal things that have compounded over the years it is increasingly more difficult to do seamless business with one another. We take everything too personal and its always creative so we have our own visions which among artists naturally clash on occassion. Things in business have gotten even more personal lately and I sometimes feel the business has taken over our lives as a couple. In our relationship we have had ups and downs. He has addictive problems that he is just now coming to terms with and I think the use has been a huge part of how he has treated me for the last year. He was unfaithful toward me and this sort of sprung out of experimenting with "swinger" lifestyle. When he was unfaithful - I sort of got even and did it myself. We've since both come clean about that and have tried to only be with one another since. Although its increasingly more difficult to even get along with one another. In public and around our friends people think we constantly bicker and argue and I am ashamed after every attempt to go out. I sort of feel the need to take a break from one another. He has very strong energy and sometimes overly negative. One time he went out of town and I felt positive just being alone for the first time in 11 years. I still love him very much although the lusty attraction has faded the sex is still great. Somtimes I feel completely disrespected by him though as he is a bit arrogant in his own way and it becomes abrasive. He's the type that doesn't always care about giving a first impression ... I used to think this was substance abuse but not so sure. I want to support him through his "recovery" but I am feeling stifled in the relationship and I have come to think the only way to keep it is to take a break. How do you take a break when you live with someone, work with someone, own gear with someone, don't have a spare bedroom, etc. ??? thoughts? Sorry so long...
trueblue72ny Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 depends if it is mutual. if it is a mutual time out -as in hey we are taking a break to recharge the batteries, than i think that would be easier. it will be problematic if he doesnt agree and doesnt want a temp separation . someone is going to have to find another place to crash for awhile.
Geishawhelk Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Just because you can't do it physically, you can still do it verbally, emotionally and mentally. There are plenty of people who as couples started working together, but then emotionally found it wasn't going so good, and called it a day emotionally - but professionally still did and conducted business together. A primary example, until they managed to separtae their business interests, were the Emannuels, who designed Princess Diana's wedding dress. They continued working together for quite some time afterwards.... If you're mature, adult people, you need to sit him down and say that you think your personal relationship may have run its course, and that perhaps you need to detach for a while, see how you get on as 'single' people. You've experimented with an open marriage, and that didn't work, but as far as you can see, you've become a habit for one another, and it's not healthy. it's stagnating and you think it might be worth having a change of scenery, being on your own, being a free agent.... You can only try. And at least it will let him know where you stand....
Author nicole37 Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 I think a fresh perspective might come out of having our own space. But how do you separate a life thats so intertwined after 11 years. Build a second bedroom into the loft? Sleep on the couch? geez. Working together seems to be okay as long as we are not emotionally invested. Honestly I hold this household together and I don't think he would get on well without me. He is definately dependant on me and I am afraid it would have more impact on him then me so naturally he knows this and would be opposed.
carhill Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 OP, if the interpersonal relationship isn't mutually satisfying and you feel you've made adequate effort to work on it and failed, end it. You can't fix his addictions. Business can go on, or you can dissolve it and continue on your own. You're not married, but may be considered common-law, depending on jurisdiction. Find out what your options are. Trust me, people go on alone. If you left today, your BF would survive. Perhaps, with you holding him together, it keeps him from hitting rock bottom in order to start his recovery process. Enabling and co-dependency affect both partners. What would happen if you left, started a business on your own and continued? What would happen if he hit rock bottom and survived? What would happen down the road if you met again? Would that spark still be there? What do you think, honestly? Stay or go? Better with him or without him? Got a list started?
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