is he making the right decision, or should i try to get him back???

[confusedK]

I thought I found the person I was going to see the world with and share the rest of my life with. We were together for a year and a half, this summer he decided to take a job on a small island to work on his art and figure his life out. Before he left things were wonderful, his feelings for me were growing and he really wanted to be with me. The only thing holding him back from taking this job was that he wanted to be with me, but I encouraged him to go because I thought it would be good for his career and state of mind.

 

I visited him for a weekend 3 weeks ago, and things seemed okay, great even. I planned to go visit him this week and left a message for him yesterday. He called back saying that things have been really bad with life and work lately, and he's been thinking about us, and I shouldn't come. He's gotten used to being alone and he can't be in a serious relationship, his feelings for me aren't as strong as my feelings for him. This was totally unexpected for me. He's acted like this twice before but only when everything else in his life is overwhelming him- when he graduated and after his thesis he was upset about where his life was going and tried to push me away in the same manner, but we stayed together and things between us improved, although he's still been struggling with himself.

 

I'm going to try to give him space. I know calling him won't make him feel better about the situation, and going to see him would be a 7 hour overnight trip that won't make things better either. Work has been hard for him and he might be home earlier than expected, Sept rather than Oct, and he's trying to sort out what he really wants in life. I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him, I just don't know whether to believe it's really over or whether he needs to sort out other aspects of his life before he's ready to be with me? I thought before that he just wasn't letting himself love me the way he wants to for some reason, but I don't know if that's feasible?? I thought that if he figured himself out more that he would be able to let himself feel what he wants to, does that seem like it could be the situation??

 

I'm moving next week, which is even scarier because I'll be even more alone, no family and few friends, and I still can't find a post-college job. I told him to take time, talk to someone, and try to figure out whether I am in his future or not, because that's all I want. I think that him being away is making it easier to forget what we have together, because when we are together he's totally different. But what do I do now? My best friend is gone, and I dont know what to do without his support... please help me. I really want him back in my life, I need third party perspective.

[luvmyboys]

You won't like my answer but I'm sure most will agree with me. This guy is not on the same page as you are and you cannot force someone to have feelings for you that aren't there to begin with.

 

 

He's even said that he doesn't have the strong feelings for you like you do of him. At least he's honest about it.

 

 

Bottom line, as hard as it is to end a relationship and move on; it would probably be for the best. This guy sounds flakey to me, and the line about how he was upset about where his life is going; him being overwhelmed; etc. could be true, but why would that have anything to do with his love for you?

 

 

Again, there's nothing you can say or do that is going to change how this guy feels about you, so it's best to cut all ties and move on and make new friends. If you're moving away, you'll find a whole new world of people out there to meet. Best of luck.

[Tony T]

So you're looking for emotional support, uh? This guy has proven several times he can't be depended upon. And what makes you think he will ever change his mind...and find himself? Please sit down and take a few breaths before you continue to read. Take some deep breaths...I'll wait...................................................................................................

 

OK. A guy who is in love with a woman and wants to spend his life with her has already made THAT decision. He also makes her a part of his deliberations on figuring out what he wants in life and all that BS. Other problems he may be going through would have nothing to do with his feelings for you. If he had already made the decision that he wants YOU in his life...that part would be done. I think this distance thing seems to be making his feelings shift and I don't think you ought to put yourself through the emotional turmoil that brings on.

 

Don't give him an ultimatum. Just wish him luck in figuring out what he wants in life. (A number of artist types tend to express their indecisiveness through their art) Then start seeing other people. Once he makes his decision, if it includes you and you aren't serious about somebody else, you can continue your long distance relationship in earnest. If it doesn't include you, then it's no sweat off your back. You'll be a winner either way. But you waste a lot of time and feelings on a guy who has to spend time deciding whether or not he wants you in his life. That would be OK if he has just met you...but the two of you were together 18 months. That's plenty of time for a man of normal intelligence to figure out if you're the one. Don't let him play you, please!!!