Should I postpone or cancel the wedding?

[lexi29]

I am stuck. I don't know what to do. My fiance and I got engaged in February and he wanted to get married in June. We settled on September. I postponed the wedding because my dress came in at the last minute (came in two days before the wedding was scheduled, and I really wanted to wear THAT dress and couldn't (no time for alterations) and we didn't even know if it was going to be in by the wedding date (was supposed to be here in July but for whatever reason it wasn't). also we had a huge storm from Ike (high winds) and the place we were going to get married (outdoors) was damaged and closed to the public. So that is why we postponed everything. Luckily all of our vendors were very understanding and we found a date that everyone could reschedule.

 

Now I am just so anxious and worried. Scared to death that I am making a mistake! I love my fiance and his 9 year old son so much! When he left me last year, I thought I wasn't going to survive the break up. They were such a huge part of my life that I lost almost everything. They are still a huge part of my life and I was very excited in the beginning about getting married. We went to marriage counseling with the minister and had to take this test and found out that are strengths are communication (who would have guessed that!) and that we share a lot of common ideas and interests, that we have the same ideas about raising children, that we are compatible sexually (we already knew that), but that we scored a ZERO on conflict resolution skills. I like to talk things about (and yell) and my fiance just likes to sweep things under the rug or not be bothered (unless it is something bothering HIM) He is not always this way but often.

 

The minister told us that he will not marry anyone he believes will be headed quickly for divorce. I told the minister about my fiance leaving me for his ex and how that destroyed me and I haven't fully recovered. My fiance told the minister about his son's mother and the trouble she causes. The minister seemed wrapped up in the fact that my fiance is a single dad and "makes up for all the stereotypes of the dead beat dad". He was very excited about our plans for our ceremony (including my step son in the vows and ring ceremony). He went over our strenghts and weaknesses with us, our finances, our plans on where to live. He has no problems marrying us, no doubts that we are a "strong fine couple who will grow old together".

Even though during one of our counseling sessions he told us to give eachother a compliment and I complimented my fiance on something (it was kind of awkard to be put on the spot like that but I came up with something nice) and my fiance just balked and couldn't think of ANYTHING to compliment me on!! I got tears in my eyes and almost ran out of the room because how hard is it to say something nice about the person you love!! The minister was like "I've only met Lexi a few times but each time she always looks so nice and she looks well put together and dresses nicely, don't you appreciate that? Or her beautiful smile? Or her pretty eyes? What about how good she treats your son/ What a good mom you think she'll be?" and my fiance was like "um.. yeah" and then he gave me a "compliment" saying that he was glad that I spent as much time as I did with him and his son since I'd come back from vacation.

 

Also on the test we had to take (can't think of the name of it but it is to see if you are compatible or not) it showed this graph that says how your respective families interact (if they are disconnected from each other or connected) and how you are connected as a couple in the relationship. The scale ranged from disconnected, somewhat connected, connected (ideal), very connected, overly connected. My results were that I come from a disconnected family but I am connected to my fiance (ideal). My fiance's results were that he comes from a disconnected family and he is "somewhat connected" to me and our relationship. So just as I've feared, I dont' think he's totally into me but more into getting married maybe? the Minister said this just means my fiance needs to show me more affection and be more alert to my needs and concerns.

 

We've rescheduled our wedding to November and as the time gets closer I feel I am looking for a way out. I know that is horrible. If I could have them in my life without the marriage part (as we are now) I'd be perfectly happy. But I'm just so afraid that it might be a mistake. I know if I call off the wedding it will be over between my fiance and I. He will not want to just date after we planned to marry. Maybe it is cold feet, maybe I am commitment phobic. I have no idea. I am worried we will have huge issues and we won't be able to solve them. I'm worried about where we are going to live (his relocation hearing to move to the state I live in (only 20 minutes away from him, but what has prevented us from getting a place together or buying a house) isn't until the WEEK after our wedding (and we just found this out yesterday). He will probably be allowed to move but this means we will not be moved into a new place together (or even looking for one) till after we get married. He says we can just live in our own places where we do now until we have this hearing but then what is the point of getting married if you live two different places and just visit?

 

Also he doesn't really care for animals and I have four cats! He says he will adjust (and I've brought two cats at a time to his apartment when I stay the night sometimes) and he just ignores them but I'm worried he will get irritated by them and maybe "accidently" let one outside. they are totally inside cats and I would be devastated if something happened to any of them. Also issues with his son. His son sleeps with his dad almost every night. I dont stay on weekends becuase his son gets upset if he he is asked to sleep in his own bed. I think it is a security thing because when I watched him for a week my fiance was gone, his son slept in bed with me and held on to my elbow when he was falling asleep. THe few nights I"ve stayed when his son has been there, his son wants me to sleep in the middle of the two of them and it gets too warm and I dont see anything wrong with a child occassionally sleeping with his parent, all the time is too much and he is too dependant. My fiance has always let his son do this since he was 2 years old and has never broke him of the habit. He sleeps with his sister when he's at his mom's house. He does sleep alone when he stays at his grandparents and when a friend spends the night he will sleep in his own room.

 

A few weeks ago I spent the night and my fiance was sick and his son didn't want to sleep in bed with him (fiance was feverish and sweating like crazy) so he wanted me to sleep on this air mattress with him. I told him I'd sleep on the couch and he could sleep in his bed or he could sleep on the air mattress next to the couch and I'd sleep on the couch. He said he'd do this but said he missed his dad too much and went to sleep in his bed instead (his dad had been gone for a week prior to that) My fiance says that when we get married his son will have to sleep in his own bed. As simple as that. But he won't start practicing that behavoir now. He's 9 years old. its time for him to sleep by himself! I have myself to blame for that one too because I tolerate it. But I worry (not that anything inappropriate is going on- there is NO way) but that it is making his son emotionally immature and too dependant on dad. For example if he gets hurt playing with kids at the park after school he will call my fiance crying and wanting him to yell at the kids who teased or hurt him (even if they are his friends and it was accident).

 

I'm also concerned that my fiance is way too cavelier about where we are going to live. He is the one who suggested moving closer to my job and I was excited about that. I can live at his apartment short term (but it is small and 3 people and four cats are not going to be happy there) and he has no doors on any of the rooms (except the bathroom of course) there so there is no privacy and no escaping the cats! so we will be married but have to wait till after the court hearing to even know what state we will be living in.

I know his son is excited about us getting married and he wants me to be his "mom". But I think he's afraid he's losing his #1 spot in his dad's life. WHen his dad was gone for a week for work and came back, my fiance was very loving toward me always saying "I love you" and kissing me when we were just sitting on the couch. One night we said our goodbyes and his son went to take a shower and he'd thought I left and I overheard him tell his dad "I Love you dad" and my fiance said "love you too" and his son said " are you sure? do you promise?" and my fiance said of course I love you and his son said "do you love me more than Lexi" and my fiance said no, I love you both the same" and I told my fiance to tell him he loved him more because he needs to be reassured of his place. He was fine after that.

 

 

My relationship with my fiance isn't all bad. I love him and his son and look forward to seeing them everyday. We can talk about anything, we have so much fun together and he ALWAYS want to spend time with me and that is something huge that missing from my relationships in the past. Plus we have great sex, make eachother laugh, and he is my best friend. Also I am looking forward to being a mom to his son and his son and I have fun together and he looks to me for guidance. I really want to be a part of this family and can't imagine my life without them. But I am scared. should I cancel things, postpone the wedding again?

[whichwayisup]

Scared to death that I am making a mistake!

 

Then tell him you're not ready to marry him. It's that plain and simple. You owe this man the truth of what you're feeling inside.

 

Your relationship with him should NOT be this hard. For months and months you've posted about SO MANY PROBLEMS and ISSUES you have with him.

 

You may love him, and he may love you, but it doesn't mean you two are right for eachother.

[Geishawhelk]

Ok.

Give me three really, really good reasons for your getting married.

Not feelings, reasons.

 

Now give me three really, really good reasons for your NOT getting married.

Not feelings, reasons.

 

If you had some trouble thinking about the first three, but no trouble at all about the second three - Do not marry him.

[allina]

I think marring him would be a HUGE mistake. I'm sorry, I have looked for reasons not to say this for a long time now, but it's true. I think you're an incredible, smart and loving person but you need to be more honest with yourself.

 

It also seems like the minister was more focused on marriage to form a family with similar values than on creating a happy, healthy marriage. Yes, he discussed some surface issues but nothing was deeply discussed about true, life long compatibility. Also, the whole thing with him leaving you is HUGE. You say you haven't healed yet, and that makes sense. A blow that big takes time. Now your fiance is pushing you in to a quick wedding, instead of helping you recover from what he did to you. I don't understand this at all.

 

I feel like he's pushing too hard to get the picture of a perfect family, while ignoring your thoughts, feelings and opinions. I'm sorry, I don't think he's that good for you and you should not marry this man.

 

Last, and this may be silly to some people, I would never ever EVER marry a man who I didn't fully trust to love and care for my pets. I wouldn't even allow a man in to my life who would "accidentally" let my cats out or do anything careless because he didn't care about them.

[lexi29]

Ok.

Give me three really, really good reasons for your getting married.

Not feelings, reasons.

 

Now give me three really, really good reasons for your NOT getting married.

Not feelings, reasons.

 

If you had some trouble thinking about the first three, but no trouble at all about the second three - Do not marry him.

 

 

1. He is my best friend, he is the person I confide in, the person who comforts me, the person who is always there.

 

2. I want to be a mother, want to be a family with him and his son. I feel the three of us just fit together.

 

3. I am 30 and want to settle down. In past relationships I've always dated guys who put everything before me. Who don't spend time with me. but my fiance AlWAYS has time for me. There is nothing he does that he wouldnt' include me in. He always wants me around. He says me being there just makes (whatever he's doing) better.

 

1. I'm scared-

2. I'm afraid of issues we have- concerns with his son, trust issues

3. I'm afraid I wont be a good "mother" and his son will resent me

4. Probably the biggest is that I'm afraid he's not as into this relationship as I am and I really don't understand this because HE is the one who wants to get married to me so badly (and he's never wanted to marry anyone in his past even though several of his exes were pushing for marriage) and I'm the one who is hesitant

[Lauriebell82]

1. He is my best friend, he is the person I confide in, the person who comforts me, the person who is always there.

 

2. I want to be a mother, want to be a family with him and his son. I feel the three of us just fit together.

 

3. I am 30 and want to settle down. In past relationships I've always dated guys who put everything before me. Who don't spend time with me. but my fiance AlWAYS has time for me. There is nothing he does that he wouldnt' include me in. He always wants me around. He says me being there just makes (whatever he's doing) better.

 

1. I'm scared-

2. I'm afraid of issues we have- concerns with his son, trust issues

3. I'm afraid I wont be a good "mother" and his son will resent me

4. Probably the biggest is that I'm afraid he's not as into this relationship as I am and I really don't understand this because HE is the one who wants to get married to me so badly (and he's never wanted to marry anyone in his past even though several of his exes were pushing for marriage) and I'm the one who is hesitant

 

Okay, I'm confused. You said that he is your best friend, he is always there for you, he always wanted to spend time with you. Then why are you afraid he isn't as into the relationship as you are?

 

You want to be a mother, yet you have concerns with his son and feels that he will resent you one day. Then how is it that the 3 of you fit together if you have these issues.

 

It just sounds like for every good thing about the relationship you have mentioned, you contradict yourself with something bad. If all these things that you are saying are true in your relationship, then what about the scenerio makes you scared? Having cold feet can be normal, esp. so close to the wedding. But completely doubting your relationship is another story.

 

Something you mentioned regarding communication. If your fiance wants to "sweep things under the rug" then you are not going to be able to work out issues that come up. Marriage will never work with you two if you can't communicate! My bf and I have some issues as well, but we have good communicate so we work them out when things come up. If you can't do that, your relationship will fail.

[lexi29]

Okay, I'm confused. You said that he is your best friend, he is always there for you, he always wanted to spend time with you. Then why are you afraid he isn't as into the relationship as you are?

 

You want to be a mother, yet you have concerns with his son and feels that he will resent you one day. Then how is it that the 3 of you fit together if you have these issues.

 

It just sounds like for every good thing about the relationship you have mentioned, you contradict yourself with something bad. If all these things that you are saying are true in your relationship, then what about the scenerio makes you scared? Having cold feet can be normal, esp. so close to the wedding. But completely doubting your relationship is another story.

 

Something you mentioned regarding communication. If your fiance wants to "sweep things under the rug" then you are not going to be able to work out issues that come up. Marriage will never work with you two if you can't communicate! My bf and I have some issues as well, but we have good communicate so we work them out when things come up. If you can't do that, your relationship will fail.

 

 

1) because I have not quite gotten over him leaving me last year. I'm afraid it would just be so easy for him to walk away from me (as he did before) and when we took that pre-maritial counseling test and the results showed that he was only somewhat connected to me and our relationship and I was connected (more connected than him) to "us" and to him it just worried me because it had confirmed what I'd been thinking all along. I know it sounds crazy, me saying I'm not sure he really wants ME after he has proposed and is really looking forward to getting married. I'm not saying this is the case- because it does not make sense in my fiance's case because he has never wanted to get married to anyone he'd dated before even though several of the women wanted to, but a long time ago I dated a guy who was way into marriage (he was only 19 at the time) and he really wanted to get married. He was in love with the idea of getting married and starting a family and pretty much seemed to just be looking for a filler for that role of his wife.

 

I know it makes no sense but I'm worried maybe my fiance has seen what else is out there (from dating his crazy ex) and it made him realize that he's lucky to have me and he wants a mom for his son so he'd popped the question and wants to get married because it sounds like a good idea to him and he's getting older (31). No idea!

 

Also because of how easily he walked away from me last year. I was a huge part of his and his son's life (his son was very attached to me) and he just gave it all up and started dating his ex. I know he realized he made a mistake and has tried to make it up to me, but he just seems cold sometimes, like he is unfeeling and wouldnt have a hard time leaving me again. I mean he always tells me he loves me (more than any guy in the past) and stuff but when we did the pre maritial counseling with the minister (and my fiance has NEVER been to church) afterward, although we didnt' really accomplish much, it was more of getting our test results and talking, i actually felt closer to him because he'd taken the test seriously and was honest with his answers and put a lot of effort into it. And all the talking about issues we did with the minister made me feel more connected to my fiance. So I was feeling pretty good afterward and my fiance was like "well that was the biggest waste of time ever!" he was just annoyed that the minister had taken so much time explaining the results but never really solved anything or asked specific questions. He had been told by married friends that the ministers will do their best to talk you out of getting married (as a test to see if you are ready) and this one was pretty much like wow you guys are great together, here are some issues to work on, keep up the good work.

 

2. we fit together well now, but I'm worried about when we move in together. His son is used to be 'daddy's boy" and doing things like sleeping in dad's bed and riding in the front seat of dad's truck when its just the two of them and also of dad taking him to school (and he has these rituals of things my fiance says to him- like at night he has to say "good night handsome dude I love you bunches and bunches" or something like that. And once I was supposed to drop his son off at school (one night I stayed during the week) and his son was all excited and like "Lex's taking me to school- COOL!" and all happy the night before but then when my fiance went to leave for work that morning his son started bawling and clinging to him and wanted his dad to take him to school instead. Because its what he's used to and the poor kid hasn't had much stability in his life (because of his mom).

 

So I think it will be hard on him that I'm sort of #1 in a way. I mean I'll be sleeping in the bed with his dad and always riding in the front seat and we'll be taking a united front about things like school work and punishments and it won't be just him and dad anymore. I know he's wanted a two parent household for some time now but I think it will be an adjustment.

 

As far as him sweeping things under the rug, I guess I didn't explain that well. When its something HE wants to talk about then he is fine talking about it. If something is bothering me he is always like ok, lets find somewhere quiet so we can talk (and our pre-maritial test said that we scored almost a 100 percent in communication!) but if it is an issue that makes him mad (normally me asking him about other women) or something he feels we've talked to death (him leaving me for his ex) he would rather not deal with it because he doesn't like feeling frustrated or angry. And yes, I know that is not a good quality.

[whichwayisup]

Marriage will never work with you two if you can't communicate

 

The main problem lies within yourself, Lexi.

 

You are insecure, you have trust issues. This guy could jump through HOOPS for you, and it still won't be enough. You believe in him, but you do NOT believe in yourself. You want to be happy with him, yet you are NOT happy with yourself. Until you are happy with "you", put the wedding on hold.

 

He has affirmed and REAFFIRMED his love for you, but it never is enough. You doubt yourself, then you doubt everything, and it goes downhill from there.

 

Go back and re-read all your past threads. There is a definate pattern.

[lexi29]

The main problem lies within yourself, Lexi.

 

You are insecure, you have trust issues. This guy could jump through HOOPS for you, and it still won't be enough. You believe in him, but you do NOT believe in yourself. You want to be happy with him, yet you are NOT happy with yourself. Until you are happy with "you", put the wedding on hold.

 

He has affirmed and REAFFIRMED his love for you, but it never is enough. You doubt yourself, then you doubt everything, and it goes downhill from there.

 

Go back and re-read all your past threads. There is a definate pattern.

 

 

I'm broken, I know this. and I've tried to heal. Scars fade but they never quite go away. When he left me last year, I was giving our relationship my all (maybe it was too late who knows) but I was spending all my free time with him (as he said he wanted), having sex with him all the time (I thought it was great and he acted like it was too), spending tons of time with his son, buying him school clothes, helping him with homework, picking him up from daycare (as he asked). I was driving every day to see them,spending nights with him on weekends. Cooking dinner, bought stuff for his new apartment and decorated it for him. The only fights we had were about him not telling me (not lying to me about it but just not mentioning it to me even though I'd asked) that he was talking to his ex alot (but she had befriended me as well so i didnt' think she was a threat) I actually thought it was nice that he had a gal pal since he'd never had a female friend before and I had male friends. So very long story short, I thought everything was great- he had a girlfriend who loved him, who his son loved, who cooked him dinners, who he had great sex with, who his friends all liked and then one day with little warning (he was picking fights with me in hindsight) he just announced that he wasnt' into me and wanted to be single. That he didn't want to be with anyone (a lie because he wanted to date his ex evidently) and he packed my stuff up and sent me on my way. One day I had a guy who was in love with me and the next someone who couldn't wait to get my stuff out of his house.

 

and not that it matters but the woman he left me for had nothing on me except he had all these happy memories from when he dated her 12 years before!! She didn't look the same, had a kid now, didn't act the same and he found out he couldn't put up with her for a full 3 weeks (how long it took him to dump her) But he was calling me after a week and a half of dating her to tell me he was thinking about me. It wasn't about sex either because they only slept together once during that time. But he did tell her he loved her (in response to her I love you's) and that really hurt me when I found that out.

 

 

So yes, I do have trust issues but the majority were caused by HIM. And no, I don't believe in myself because how could I have thought everything was great back then and that everything was going well and then him totally shock me by leaving me? I should have KNOWN something.

[quankanne]

lexi, hate to say it but the more you post the more it sounds like you just aren't ready to be married, period. There are a lot of "self" issues that need to be resolved before you can get into a committed relationship like marriage, and those things can only make things worse if they're not resolved.

[Kasan]

I think that you need to resolve your issues stemming from when he left you last year, or this will be a constant theme occurring in your marriage.

 

A marriage should be a "new beginning" so why would you want to bring the "old stuff" into it?

 

I really like your honesty in the reasons that you posted for not getting married, and they are all worthy of great reflection.

 

I think about some of your threads that you have written, especially the ring thread, and I wonder what your hurry for getting married is.

 

Good luck...........

[2sunny]

lexi - you have been doing this same thing of questioning marriage since the springtime.

 

it appears that you like the IDEA of marriage and the way it should look, but the reality of the way your life is with him and his son do not match the rosy picture you imagine for yourself.

 

to love a guy and/or his son is one thing... to make a marriage happy, successful and balanced is another.

 

what is so wrong with at least waiting longer? no harm in that! if there is ANY reason to feel reluctant - that is enough reason NOT to marry at this time.

[stefspets]

I did not read this whole thing because to me, it is just you asking the same questions you have asked repeatedly (should we get married?) and then coming up with a list of reasons to justify getting married when everyone says you shouldn't.

 

I'm with the other posters. Don't get married before working out the issues in your relationship (and yourself) first.

[Mary3]

Your boyfriends son is 9 years old and STILL sleeping in your bed ?? I thought he was 3 years old. ( To give you an example , at 9~ I babysat a 5 and a 2 year old ).

This child should be in his room ALL the time by now. I had mine in their rooms as infants as soon as they could crawl they would come into the room and sleep on our bed. But after 3 , you really gotta push them to stay in their rooms, night lights , lights on , tv on , whatever it takes to assauge the fears...

I'm just saying at 9 he is crying and calling his daddy ? I mean yes he should be able to call his father if he is upset but his dad is enabling him to act like a preschooler and he is likely in the 3rd grade right ?

I dont mean to sound awful but seriously is that kid still drinking from a bottle. ?( pun intended ) . I have heard where parents breastfeed until 5 , its just strange .

I know I sound mean but really where does dad draw the line ? Where do you ?

[Jo78]

Whatever you do, first of all, stop taking compatibility tests!!! They will just drive you crazy. There always is a certain bias in them. And there never has been, nor is, nor ever will be a couple that is a 100% compatible!

 

If you need more time, then ask for more time. Try to deal with yourself first, then deal with a marriage.

 

By the way:

 

1. He is my best friend, he is the person I confide in, the person who comforts me, the person who is always there.

 

I think that is a great reason for marrying someone. If you need more time, postpone, but don't cancel.

[carhill]

Go to family (yes, his son) counseling with a psychologist. Postpone the wedding. You'll thank me later

[whichwayisup]

Hi Lexi, just wondering if you've spoken to your fiance and how things are going.

[You'reasian]

Your boyfriends son is 9 years old and STILL sleeping in your bed ?? I thought he was 3 years old. ( To give you an example , at 9~ I babysat a 5 and a 2 year old ).

This child should be in his room ALL the time by now. I had mine in their rooms as infants as soon as they could crawl they would come into the room and sleep on our bed. But after 3 , you really gotta push them to stay in their rooms, night lights , lights on , tv on , whatever it takes to assauge the fears...

I'm just saying at 9 he is crying and calling his daddy ? I mean yes he should be able to call his father if he is upset but his dad is enabling him to act like a preschooler and he is likely in the 3rd grade right ?

I dont mean to sound awful but seriously is that kid still drinking from a bottle. ?( pun intended ) . I have heard where parents breastfeed until 5 , its just strange .

I know I sound mean but really where does dad draw the line ? Where do you ?

 

You bring up an excellent point. 9 years old should be doing his own thing, taking care of himself to the extent that he sleeps in his own bed, cleans himself and can perform simple tasks.

[2sunny]

You bring up an excellent point. 9 years old should be doing his own thing' date=' taking care of himself to the extent that he sleeps in his own bed, cleans himself and can perform simple tasks.[/quote']

 

not happenin... lexi has posted on numerous occasions that the boy acts out when it is the most inconvenient time.

 

inappropriate behavior when they were house hunting, while driving and inappropriate and disrespectful remarks targeting lexi when they saw a neighbor (the boy said "hey Dad, there's that gal you want to date"). then to make matters worse - the Dad doesn't reprimand the boy to show him where his boundaries are. this leaves lexi in quite a predicament every time. situations that she questions at first, then defends, then justifies to herself as being reasonable.

 

she is hell bent on not looking at the bigger picture here - which will only spell trouble and heartbreak.

[Nevermind]

None of the issues are new. You knew about them long, long before this day. You had us discuss them, explain them, rethink them for you. What do you expect us to write now?

 

Btw, when did you postpone? On Septembre 3rd you were still going forward with the wedding.

 

Yes. There are problems in your relationship. No, those are not indicated by the tests and graphs. I wouldn't worry about them too much.

 

Your boyfriend's son is spoiled and far behind in terms of self-responsibility and maturity. If you want to be a mother, you need to start being one.

 

If your boyfriend doesn't like cats, and it's a huge issue...why didn't you think about it before? It's a decoy. You're looking for a way out.

 

You've been looking for a way out since the beginning of this relationship. You never recovered from the split up. Will you ever? After one year with your boyfriend, a marriage proposal etc you're still at the very same spot you were when you two started again. By passive-aggressive actions you try to be in control, but you never are - because of your fears. You torment yourself for months and months...why?

 

 

Ask yourself:

 

Are you afraid of marriage or afraid of marrying him?

Are you eager to marry because you're 30 or because you feel it's right?

[lexi29]

not happenin... lexi has posted on numerous occasions that the boy acts out when it is the most inconvenient time.

 

inappropriate behavior when they were house hunting, while driving and inappropriate and disrespectful remarks targeting lexi when they saw a neighbor (the boy said "hey Dad, there's that gal you want to date"). then to make matters worse - the Dad doesn't reprimand the boy to show him where his boundaries are. this leaves lexi in quite a predicament every time. situations that she questions at first, then defends, then justifies to herself as being reasonable.

 

she is hell bent on not looking at the bigger picture here - which will only spell trouble and heartbreak.

 

 

Yes, his son does seem immature for his age (and I can definately see how his dad caused this) but I have nothing to compare it to. As far as his son saying "hey dad there's the girl you like" he wasn't doing it to disrepect me, he honestly thought his dad liked this other woman. He wasn't saying it thinking it would upset me or was rude.

 

And I know my fiance doesn't set appropriate boundaries. He wants his son to grow up the opposite of how he did (he felt his dad imposed two many unfair boundaries) and so he tries to be a parent and a friend to his son (he needs to drop the friend part).

 

I am most concerned that he hasn't made his son sleep in his own bed. His son used to want me to spend the night when he was there but when he found out that means I sleep in dad's bed and he has to sleep in his own bed he gets upset. One night he cried for about two hours (and I was the one who gave in because I just wanted some sleep so I guess I am no better) If we get married and move in together I am afraid his son will resent me because I am "taking his place". its just him and dad now and he sleeps in dad's bed and rides in the front seat of dad's car and I feel he is going to feel replaced because as soon as we are married all of this will change suddenly.

 

Last night I found out his son doesn't want me to go to this demolition derby we were planning to take him to this weekend. He wants to go alone with his dad. My fiance told me his son cried about this when he came back from his mom's on sunday. I asked him (son) about it last night and he said not meanly but just matter of factly, well you are always here and I want to hang out with dad just the two of us. Well I am still going and my fiance told his son he will just have to get used to it. That it will be the three of us from now on. I dont' understand why suddenly this is an issue as his son always liked having me around in the past. It really upsets me that he feels this way.

[lexi29]

None of the issues are new. You knew about them long, long before this day. You had us discuss them, explain them, rethink them for you. What do you expect us to write now?

 

Btw, when did you postpone? On Septembre 3rd you were still going forward with the wedding.

 

Yes. There are problems in your relationship. No, those are not indicated by the tests and graphs. I wouldn't worry about them too much.

 

Your boyfriend's son is spoiled and far behind in terms of self-responsibility and maturity. If you want to be a mother, you need to start being one.

 

If your boyfriend doesn't like cats, and it's a huge issue...why didn't you think about it before? It's a decoy. You're looking for a way out.

 

You've been looking for a way out since the beginning of this relationship. You never recovered from the split up. Will you ever? After one year with your boyfriend, a marriage proposal etc you're still at the very same spot you were when you two started again. By passive-aggressive actions you try to be in control, but you never are - because of your fears. You torment yourself for months and months...why?

 

 

Ask yourself:

 

Are you afraid of marriage or afraid of marrying him?

Are you eager to marry because you're 30 or because you feel it's right?

 

 

Yes, I know,, I know. None of these issues are new. In the beginning I was just so happy that we were back together and I figured by this time we would have worked our issues out. I hate change and this is a big change and it scares me. Yes, I did postpone once (supposed to get married end of Sept) and we postponed a month so the big day is coming up. I want to get married and have a family and I feel my fiance is my last chance. And I love them. I just keep thinking if I had more time this would work itself out. I just feel I should marry him because he is so excited about marrying me and we have a lot of fun together. I spent several years in a relationship where I wanted to get married and the guy kept hinting and talking about getting engaged (and he led me on) and never followed through. There were always excuses and reasons he wasn't ready though he led me to believe that marriage was in our future.

 

So I "wasted" a lot of time waiting for something that never happened and I feel very lucky that my fiance was totally different than my ex and that he truly wanted to marry me (with no urging or pushing or even suggesting engagement from me).

 

He said that after he broke up with me and dated his ex he realized how big of a part of his life I was and how much he wanted me to share his life and how much he loved me. He said he was so used to me and took me for granted before that and that woke him up and he realized what he was letting go of. I know he loves me and I think he has changed his ways and that he won't hurt me again. but there is no guarantee and that scares me.

[carhill]

My dad and I went to get an ice cream (sundae) every Sunday after church when I was a kid (6-10 or so). Mom wasn't invited. It was father and son bonding time. Mom was biological SAHM. Mom understood. It was something fathers and sons did. She didn't talk about it. She and dad agreed on things that would happen in my life and I didn't have a say in it. This child is getting a far too large position in this budding family, IMO.

 

Repeating my friendly advice to get family counseling and postpone the wedding

[Mary3]

Your fiance is acting child~like by allowing a 9 year old child to dictate what will happen for everyone.

 

I * get * that its stressfull to be apart from his biological mom. I understand its hard for a young kid .

 

But if * nobody * is being the adult here then how do you construct a family ? I know you gave in because you needed some sleep. Ding ! Kid wins again ! Ding !

 

Kid needs to have a strong father figure who tells him the way its going to be for a 9 year old. Last time I checked thats a 3rd grader ?

 

Who's in charge here ???

[raclar]

It seems like you're gut feeling is telling you... you aren't ready to marry this guy! If you feel trapped and need a way out... its okay to find a way out. Its okay to postpone the wedding. It's okay to cancel the wedding. Do what you need to do feel right. To sleep well at night and have peace of mind. Do not deny yourself that. If you don't have peace of mind you don't have anything! Do not live a life full of regret! Listen to yourself.