HopeDiesLast Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Ok...so i know No Contact is to detach yourself from your ex. Ween yourself off the addiction, so to speak. And its for YOU to heal and get better. This sucks. Why do i feel like i don't WANT to stop the addiction? But i do really....i cant just keep myself in this misery. But everytime i get to a month NC, i panic. Like i want to throw myself back into the pain or something by calling, texting, driving by his house. Its this weird self-destructive thing i do. Maybe because i feel like he's forgotten i exist? Like i need to jolt him back to reality or something? I've said it in some of my other posts, its like the line from Swingers. Eventually you miss the pain for the same reasons you missed him/her. Cus you lived with it for so long. Does anyone else feel like this?
northstar1 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Ok...so i know No Contact is to detach yourself from your ex. Ween yourself off the addiction, so to speak. And its for YOU to heal and get better. This sucks. Why do i feel like i don't WANT to stop the addiction? Everytime i get to a month NC, i panic. Like i want to throw myself back into the pain or something by calling, texting, driving by his house. Its this weird self-destructive thing i do. Maybe because i feel like he's forgotten i exist? Like i need to jolt him back to reality or something? I've said it in some of my other posts, its like the line from Swingers. Eventually you miss the pain for the same reasons you missed him/her. Cus you lived with it for so long. Does anyone else feel like this? Ofcourse, most of us probably have. After a breakup, and it appears there will be no reconcilliation, your life is filled with pain. Once we look to finally let go, and allow the pain to recede, we also realize that the pain at least still kept us connected to the ex on some level. Letting go of that pain is truly the last step in accepting it's over for good and moving on. It became part of your life during however long you dealt with the breakup and coping............so letting go of that can be hard, even if intuitively it's the best thing to really happen to you.
treeluva Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Here is something I wrote in my journal.... "The pain - it is real. I can feel it. I can taste it. And in some weird way, I WANT to feel it. Because if I still feel the pain, I still feel HIM. When the pain stops, he'll be gone. Just a faded memory in the back of my mind." But really, at this point, it has nothing to do with HIM anymore. It has everything to do with ME. It has to do with my own "comfort" level. It isn't that I like the pain, necessarily. But I am comfortable with it. I know what it is. There is comfort in knowing how I feel. I am uneasy about letting it go, because I don't know how that is going to feel. Which leads to the question, "WHY am I holding on? What am I scared of?" Again, this has nothing to do with HIM anymore, and everything to do with ME. My own issues, my own past, my own self trying to fix something that is never going to be fixed until I look within myself and figure out my own issues. I believe in doing things for yourself after a breakup, but it seems that a lot of people tend to associate doing other things as a method to NOT think about the pain. Thinking about the pain and internalizing the pain is part of the grieving process. It is important. Feel the pain. It sucks. But working through it and coming to an understanding of YOURSELF is important. Because now, after the breakup, it no longer has anything to do with the other person, but it has everything to do with YOU. From all of your posts that I have read, it seems as though this guy does not value you at all. But still you hold on. Please forgive me if I sound mean, but that leads me to believe that you do not think highly of yourself. Why are you holding onto the low self-esteem? Reflect on that question, internalize the answers, and you may find some peace and understanding of yourself.
gd26 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Ofcourse, most of us probably have. After a breakup, and it appears there will be no reconcilliation, your life is filled with pain. Once we look to finally let go, and allow the pain to recede, we also realize that the pain at least still kept us connected to the ex on some level. Letting go of that pain is truly the last step in accepting it's over for good and moving on. It became part of your life during however long you dealt with the breakup and coping............so letting go of that can be hard, even if intuitively it's the best thing to really happen to you. I agree. I also think that while most of us are using NC to heal and move on, a small part of us still hopes that the ex will run back to us begging for a second chance. And when another month has gone by, and we still haven't heard from them, it jabs our egos. We might be hoping that us going NC will help them come back, and when they still don't, it hurts... and we feel resigned remembering that NC is for us only, not to get them back. I also agree that on some level, the pain does keep us connected. It does give us an additional source of drama in our lives. I think on some deeper level, some of us would choose drama over boredom. We may WANT to move on with our lives, but rehashing then pain over and over does provide some people with something... else I don't think we'd keep doing it.
gd26 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Here is something I wrote in my journal.... "The pain - it is real. I can feel it. I can taste it. And in some weird way, I WANT to feel it. Because if I still feel the pain, I still feel HIM. When the pain stops, he'll be gone. Just a faded memory in the back of my mind." But really, at this point, it has nothing to do with HIM anymore. It has everything to do with ME. It has to do with my own "comfort" level. It isn't that I like the pain, necessarily. But I am comfortable with it. I know what it is. There is comfort in knowing how I feel. I am uneasy about letting it go, because I don't know how that is going to feel. Which leads to the question, "WHY am I holding on? What am I scared of?" Again, this has nothing to do with HIM anymore, and everything to do with ME. My own issues, my own past, my own self trying to fix something that is never going to be fixed until I look within myself and figure out my own issues. I believe in doing things for yourself after a breakup, but it seems that a lot of people tend to associate doing other things as a method to NOT think about the pain. Thinking about the pain and internalizing the pain is part of the grieving process. It is important. Feel the pain. It sucks. But working through it and coming to an understanding of YOURSELF is important. Because now, after the breakup, it no longer has anything to do with the other person, but it has everything to do with YOU. From all of your posts that I have read, it seems as though this guy does not value you at all. But still you hold on. Please forgive me if I sound mean, but that leads me to believe that you do not think highly of yourself. Why are you holding onto the low self-esteem? Reflect on that question, internalize the answers, and you may find some peace and understanding of yourself. This is beautifully written. I am at the same point myself. It's is no longer about HIM either in my mind. He just triggered a cascade of emotions from me... emotions that were deeply buried (from childhood issues, past boyfriends etc), and caused the floodgates to open. Now I have to figure out how to deal with all these feelings... rejection, abandonment, fear, guilt, shame, etc. But it's not about him, it's about me. Even though I really liked him as a person, I wasn't okay being with someone who pushed me away, ran away during periods of conflict etc. That is why I had to make myself do NC and move on.... as it became far more painful to contact him (and have him tell me polite, yet patronizing words) rather than to just leave him alone entirely. So for the sake of my dignity, I had to move on. But when I think about his sweet face, it reminds me of my escape.... it reminds me of a time back when I was excited and didn't have to feel any bad feelings. That feeling of hope and 'what could have been' keep some of us hanging on... even when we've moved on from the guy, we still have yet to move on from the emotional baggage released from the relationship. But at times like this, it is important that we learn how to deal with all the emotions that the broken relationship brings up... else if we rush into another relationship too soon, or go back to the ex... then we will simply 'stuff down' those feelings, and they will only resurface again later. So it's best to deal with them now.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 gd26- its not that i dont value myself enough, i walked away FINALLY bc i DO value myself enough to know im not gonna deal with his vague responses to whether he wants to be with me, let him demote me to a friend, or make me 2nd best to his buddies. no friggin' way. thats something he knew from the beginning. i guess the hard part is understanding that he doesnt value me ANYMORE. He did for 2 wonderful years....treated me like gold. Seriously a princess. and somewhere in the last 2 months that changed. and things went sour. what my brain cant understand is- what the f*ck happend? i guess i just have to be ok with maybe not ever knowing the answer to that question.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 i guess i hold onto the denial. that he loved me, treated me well...it couldnt have just gone away. that this is a phase. that he'll be back. i hold onto the hope. i hold onto the past. the pain is the last step....i havent given that up yet. but its going away on its own ive notice.
CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Sometimes. I think for me, HDL, that it really comes down to the fact I didn't want to feel sorry for myself any longer. It was when I realized that I and I ALONE am in charge of my wants, needs and happiness that things really started looking up. I know we feel bad because of the situations that happen in our lives but you do have control over it. You can let it beat you down or you can rise above it. The only advice I can give you is that when you too are tired of feeling sorry for yourself you will pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move on with life. Life isn't going to wait around for you to catch up. And if you let yourself wallow in the quagmire you will simply let the best part of your life pass you by. When my mom died, the only parent I have ever known, it was sudden and unexpected. I hadn't seen her for almost 5 years. Though I talked to her on the phone a lot, I did not get to say goodbye. That hurt. But I also realize that everyone dies and that my mom wouldn't want me to sit around feeling sorry for myself. Your ex is like an addiction. You need to wean yourself off of him, whatever it takes. NC is the best tool for that. But NC isn't just not calling the guy. It's also removing any reminders of him. It's deleting them from IM and facebook/myspace, etc. It's not talking to friends about him. It's not searching the internet for news about him. It's completely removing the guy from any and all aspects of your life. He's made the decision to move on with his life without you. Why on earth would you wallow over someone who doesn't want to be with you? It just doesn't make sense. He refused your love therefore he should occupy NO space in your mind anymore. Hey, I have those days too. But when I am reminded of an ex I quickly put those thoughts away. I just remind myself that they took me for granted, that I loved them unconditionally and it meant NOTHING to them. If someone can do that to me, they damn sure don't deserve any space in my mind OR my heart. Nuff said!
Author HopeDiesLast Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 Thanks, Caliguy. i appreciate your advice. I know its the right thing to do. and actually today breaks my record. 29 days no contact. i usually crack around 4 weeks. but its done....there is just not gonna be anymore of my time wasted on him or his rediculousness. I'm trying, i really am. and i know i've come a long way from my originial posts. LS is nice in that way that its kinda like a journal of your feelings. You can look back on the first thing you wrote here and compare to the last. As hard as this has been on me, the hardest part (altho this may sound cocky, its not meant in that way) has been understanding WHY he doesnt want me- cus last time i checked, im beautiful, successful and confident. I know i'm a catch. i just can't understand his logic. But i finally figured out after almost 4 long months of s hit....i dont have to. and i really dont care to.
Treasa Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 The problem is that you being all those things doesn't automatically make someone want to be with you, nor is it an indicator that you aren't those things. Are you worried that he doesn't realize how much you want to be with him? That you'd still take him back? I'm sure he does know those things. But he's moved on. It sucks because it seems like it came without warning, but that sometimes happens. But please don't devalue yourself because of it. There's nothing wrong with you. If nothing else, you need to realize that.
alwayssme Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 gd26- its not that i dont value myself enough, i walked away FINALLY bc i DO value myself enough to know im not gonna deal with his vague responses to whether he wants to be with me, let him demote me to a friend, or make me 2nd best to his buddies. no friggin' way. thats something he knew from the beginning. i guess the hard part is understanding that he doesnt value me ANYMORE. He did for 2 wonderful years....treated me like gold. Seriously a princess. and somewhere in the last 2 months that changed. and things went sour. what my brain cant understand is- what the f*ck happend? i guess i just have to be ok with maybe not ever knowing the answer to that question. i feel the same way...it was 2 wonderful years where he treated me like a queen...and altho he is still nice to me, he just doesnt see me that way anymore...and i guess its time to let go...but the hard part about that is that i dont want to...i also wonder what went wrong? how did this happen? i asked him that too..and his answer was " i dont know" and he cried when he broke up with me and just kept on holding me......i dont get it....IT SUCKS!!! later on i saw him and it seemed as though he had completely moved on.... we still talk though,but im guessin that is coming to an end as well.... =( its time i move on too,as hard as it is, its over...no matter how much i love him!
CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 As hard as this has been on me, the hardest part (altho this may sound cocky, its not meant in that way) has been understanding WHY he doesnt want me- cus last time i checked, im beautiful, successful and confident. I know i'm a catch. i just can't understand his logic. But i finally figured out after almost 4 long months of s hit....i dont have to. and i really dont care to. If you truly believe this about yourself then you can smile in the mirror and say "What a dumba$$! It's his loss, not mine!" and smile while you date hotter guys than him. See what I mean? You're so focused on why HE doesn't want you when really, it shouldn't matter. Never waste an ounce of your time on someone who doesn't want to be with you. That is what confident, self-assured people do. They laugh about it and move on.
1bee Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 gd26- its not that i dont value myself enough, i walked away FINALLY bc i DO value myself enough to know im not gonna deal with his vague responses to whether he wants to be with me, let him demote me to a friend, or make me 2nd best to his buddies. no friggin' way. thats something he knew from the beginning. i guess the hard part is understanding that he doesnt value me ANYMORE. He did for 2 wonderful years....treated me like gold. Seriously a princess. and somewhere in the last 2 months that changed. and things went sour. what my brain cant understand is- what the f*ck happend? i guess i just have to be ok with maybe not ever knowing the answer to that question. holy crap. i felt this way last year. why did he leave? what did i do wrong? eventually though (i promise) the why's won't matter. the thing that will is the way he treated you before he let you go. how dare he do that. and it's the same reason why i stopped worrying about it. i wanted my self respect back. normally, you wouldn't take any one's **** or stand for someone treating you like second rate baggage. it's strange how we become a shell of our former self when we pine for an ex. screw it. you'll realize he doesn't deserve it and he had no right to reduce you to nothing because you're not nothing. you're better then what he stupidly makes you out to be and as you go through this, you'll realize that there are people out there tha will treat you way better then he ever did.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 1bee- i hope you're right. your response sounds like something id say its sinking in....slowly, but surely!
Sequoia Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I think one day we all have to accept the fact that people have a right to change their minds about how they feel about us.It's hard but its a fact.Maybe he has changed what he wants in a relationship.Especially if he has been giving you crap.It truly shows that he does not appreciate what he has and is a sign that he wants something different. Once you get over the fact that sometimes its not you but THEY have changed here's the plan.. Let go of that pain before it makes you into a bitter person with low self-esteem and a tremendous amount of self doubt. The only reason you are probably holding on to the pain is because you know that it gives you hope. You know darn well that if you release that pain that he does not have a chance in hell to get back there. So do yourself a favour and bless yourself by moving on.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted October 5, 2008 Author Posted October 5, 2008 sequoia- easier said than done. i agree 100% with your statement....but for some reason im not ready to FULLY say that. not sure why. fear, maybe?
Sysyphus28 Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 People do change. Sometimes it is hard to believe because of what they meant to us, and said to us.........but it is a fact. They change at 26, they change at 55. People are not always looking for the same thing year to year. We are certaintly creatures of comfort, but everyone isn't a creature of habit. I miss my ex girl really bad every day. It is kind of sad the amount of time it consumes during my day. I get lonely when I am with people......its wierd. But I am trying to "get better". This site has helped. and my sadness is more sporadic. Sometimes I have good days and sometimes more stressfull. All and all it hasn't been fun. But....NC is not supposed to be fun. I really want to talk to her. But I am too proud to "try" and be in someones life. Hey, "remember me!" Thats what I am thinking. You shouldn't have to force your way back into someone's life. If they still cared. They would seek you out and be a friend. You have to let people change. You can't assume that they want you.......because they used to. Wants change. I want the past. Now isn't that silly?
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