xxtemplexx Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Okay, I'm not even really sure where to start with this. Whoever's reading - thanks! My bf and I met early in June of this past summer. Things started out great! They were a little fast; but it wasn't anything inappropriate for how we were. I tend to pace relationships based on how good or otherwise they feel between me and the other person. He was very insistent on having me meet him for dinner, text him, email him, and even go to his parents lake house with him. I was ecstatic because I thought I found a guy who was ready and wanting to be in a relationship. (We talked about this early on and agreed that we both were wanting a long term relationship - not necessarily leading to marriage - but could go that way.) He was so good, texting me in the morning just to say hi. Asking me to come over all the time. I was so happy and I really enjoy his company. I have fun with him. Then about two weeks ago, he completely flipped. Said he needed some space, said he wasn't ready for this much of a relationship, said that he just didn't know what he wanted anymore. Now that hurt, a lot. During the period we were spending time together, I would periodically ask or tell him that I could go home, I have other things to do, if he wanted some time to himself that's fine - just say so. And his response was (and still is) the same - no no no, I want you here, stay with me please. Now he doesn't initiate texting me at all. He doesn't really email or phone either. He's stopped asking me to do things with him, but he's always responsive to me suggesting things and generally texts me back when I text him. However, I feel like I'm the one make all the effort now. And honestly, because he never starts talking to me, I just feel like a nuisance, because if he likes me as much as he says, then he would talk to me sometimes right? I've talked to him about this. He says that he's just freaked about how serious this was and that he's not really ready for it like he thought he was. He's also said that he wants to spend more time with his family (which is fine - I know they're all close - that doesn't really bother me at all). He also works full time and has his own business, so I know he's busy. The problem is, him being busy was never an issue before, he would make time to just say hi or get back to me or ask me to dinner. I just feel like things flipped around very quickly and I'm hurt by it all. He's told me that he could see himself marrying me, but now he says he doesn't want to think that far ahead and just wants to take things day by day and enjoy the time he spends with me Now should I just take him at his word? Every time I try to tell him how I feel or ask that he might text me or just initiate contact he gets super defensive and upset and says all I want to do is talk about our relationship and he says he's already told me how he feels. I can't even describe how unimportant and hurt I feel. I'm trying to take him at his word because I really care about him and like him, but I can't help but wonder if this is how things are supposed to be after that "honeymoon" phase. I really have no good reason not to believe what he says, it's just a quick change. A little bit of background, he was engaged to be married earlier in the year, but there were several other girls between me and him. I'm trying hard to be objective and believe him, but I feel really hurt and not very special or that he even likes me! I'm just really confused and don't know what to think or do. It doesn't help either that my ex-bf is calling and texting me all the time either. I would NEVER get back with my ex, but it's nice to see and feel that someone cares about me. Either way, I can't help but feel that I deserve better or at least be able to express my feelings without him becoming defensive. Sorry this is so long, but I feel better just even getting it out there, any help or advice would be much appreciated.
Lucky_One Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 He says that he's just freaked about how serious this was and that he's not really ready for it like he thought he was. Now should I just take him at his word? Every time I try to tell him how I feel or ask that he might text me or just initiate contact he gets super defensive and upset and says all I want to do is talk about our relationship and he says he's already told me how he feels. I think you should just take him at his word. It seems to me that he is clearly acting as though he is freaked out (or acting as though his ex-fiance has gotten in touch with him). The question is - is he freaked out by you or is he freaked out by other circumstances? I think you need to look at your actions. DO you always bring up your relationship? Is that a primary part of your conversations? Can you have a fun night out without bringing up "us" If you are doing those things, then you are going to drive this guy nuts.
Author xxtemplexx Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 It's weird cause I try to make an effort to NOT bring that up cause I don't want to drive him nuts. But he's been really touchy lately, so I don't know. I want to say he's generally freaked out, but I've never been here before so this is all new to me.
westrock Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 He is probably uncertain because he is being emotionally reminded of what happened with the relationship with his fiance and all the women between his fiance and you. Those all failed. He does not want the same thing to happen with you so he is hesitating at the moment trying to figure out what he wants. You need to give him time to figure out things without pressure. If you are interested, there is a good book called Mars Venus on a Date by John Gray. He describes the situation you are in. He calls it the uncertainty stage. Your b/f is going through this stage at the moment trying to decide whether to move forward with you or not.
Author xxtemplexx Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 So should I just step back and see? Does that mean don't contact him at all or what? I'm fine with pulling back, I guess I just would like to know what's appropriate if that makes sense. I don't want to scare him away, but I want him to know that I want to try to make this work out. But it sounds like you're right, I've just never really dealt with this before so it's throwing me for a loop.
Krytie TV Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Bottom line is he's not ready to commit to you. He is likely starting to wonder what else is out there and if you are really his best option. Don't take that personally, it happens with people all the time.
Author xxtemplexx Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 If he is thinking that there's someone else out there... why doesn't he just say so? That's be so much easier. And make more sense and it'd be easier on me.
TigerCub Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I say you definitely need to pull back. You mentioned that at times you may have other things to do, but you ask him if he'd like you to stay or not - stop doing that. If you got things to do, do them, that way you're not giving up your life for him and it would also show him that you've got more going on in your world, in your life than just him. Pull back a little and see what he does. If he's freaking out that things are getting too serious, lighten things up a little, and when you go out with him, try to just enjoy the date and not discuss the relationship for a while. Good luck
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