Hardest decision I will EVER make

[mytruelove]

If "love can conquer all", can it conquer these fears that I have?

 

the answer to this question from my own experience is YES!!! - on both parts, with both people...together...as a team working on those fears and facing them and working on them.

 

in true love, you will do what you need to do to hold onto the other person and make them happy. you will have compassion for their fears and they will have compassion for yours.

 

my guy and myself have A LOT of fears. i know his- and he knows mine. it's called being vulnerable i believe...you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable to the other person for true intimacy.

[stampdaddy]

What?? Is she the only frickin' woman in the world?

 

Oh yes, she is the light of my life, she warms my soul, she..... I'll stop before we ALL puke..

 

No, of course not. I just love this one.. And I need to find a way to stop. I need to Divorce her, and stop waiting for her to be Divorced by someone else

[bish]

Oh yes, she is the light of my life, she warms my soul, she..... I'll stop before we ALL puke..

 

No, of course not. I just love this one.. And I need to find a way to stop. I need to Divorce her, and stop waiting for her to be Divorced by someone else

 

You love a cheater? Ok, have at it then. You'll learn the hard way.

[lexi29]

You need to let her go. The best way I have found is to get angry and STAY angry until the urge to reconnect stops. Think about what she has done to you,

 

She made all of these promises, planned a life with you. You loved her so much, gave everything you had- most women would absolutely love to find someone who would treat them so well.

 

And what did she do? She left, she chose someone else!!!!! You are her back up, no matter what you want to believe that is all you are to her now. She saw you and she said she missed you and she still loves you and then she tells you that her husband hasn't kicked her out yet but only made her get a job?? Honestly, sorry to be brutal, but if she loved you and wanted to be with you AT ALL she would take this opportunity to leave her husband and be happy and in your arms as the two of you planned all along. These were fantasies she was feeding you, she never planned to leave her marriage. She might have felt these plans were real at the time but deep down she knew that when push came to shove she wasn't going anywhere.

 

in order to be happy with you, she needs her H in her life as well. thats why she was so happy in a 4 year affair. She had the "best" of both worlds. She had two men meeting her needs and to rely on. Now when it comes down to she can only have one- she's made her choice- her husband. And the only way she would choose you is by default- if her husband kicks her out and doesn't want her anymore then you get the "prize". She doesn't love you enough to leave on her own. She would rather give up on those dreams with you for a chance to stay in her marriage (survival) even though you could take care of her and her children. And I know you say she's thinking of her kids, but NOPE she's not. She is only thinking of HERSELF. She isn't the fairy tale princess you make you out to be (she is selfish and will do whatever it takes to meet HER needs) Trying to get back into her husband's good graces by wearing a wedding ring that she's found meaninless for several years. Trying to work on her marriage but stringing you along by being happy to see you and telling you she still loves you.

 

I would bet anything that if you offered to continue the affair without her husband's knowlege or if you would continue to stroke her ego by keeping in contact with her and letting her know you miss her and talking about how great it was between the two of you in the past- she would LOVE it and encourage it. Because she is the happiest when she has the stable home and her husband with you on the side. I know you want to believe you were/are more to her but you're not and she has proven this because she is holding on to her life with hubby for with all her might and doesn't have any intention of leaving unless HE ends it. Then she will probably run to you as her back up plan. I'm sure she cared about you at one time but as others have said, not as much as she cares about herself. Her feelings for you were contigent upon having her life with her husband as well.

 

She has a very easy out- her husband knows about the affair, she has every reason to leave and be with you and start that life the two of you talked about, planned for. But she chooses to stay put. If she was so in love and so happy with you and genuinely had all these plans for a future with you, she would take this opportunity to make it happen. Instead she stays with her husband.

 

Get angry. Get rid of everything that reminds you of her. I'm sorry to be harsh but that part of your life is over. You are going to be miserable until you give yourself permission to let her go and realize she is NOT the person you thought she was.

[stampdaddy]

You need to let her go. The best way I have found is to get angry and STAY angry until the urge to reconnect stops. Think about what she has done to you,

 

She made all of these promises, planned a life with you. You loved her so much, gave everything you had- most women would absolutely love to find someone who would treat them so well.

 

And what did she do? She left, she chose someone else!!!!! You are her back up, no matter what you want to believe that is all you are to her now. She saw you and she said she missed you and she still loves you and then she tells you that her husband hasn't kicked her out yet but only made her get a job?? Honestly, sorry to be brutal, but if she loved you and wanted to be with you AT ALL she would take this opportunity to leave her husband and be happy and in your arms as the two of you planned all along. These were fantasies she was feeding you, she never planned to leave her marriage. She might have felt these plans were real at the time but deep down she knew that when push came to shove she wasn't going anywhere.

 

in order to be happy with you, she needs her H in her life as well. thats why she was so happy in a 4 year affair. She had the "best" of both worlds. She had two men meeting her needs and to rely on. Now when it comes down to she can only have one- she's made her choice- her husband. And the only way she would choose you is by default- if her husband kicks her out and doesn't want her anymore then you get the "prize". She doesn't love you enough to leave on her own. She would rather give up on those dreams with you for a chance to stay in her marriage (survival) even though you could take care of her and her children. And I know you say she's thinking of her kids, but NOPE she's not. She is only thinking of HERSELF. She isn't the fairy tale princess you make you out to be (she is selfish and will do whatever it takes to meet HER needs) Trying to get back into her husband's good graces by wearing a wedding ring that she's found meaninless for several years. Trying to work on her marriage but stringing you along by being happy to see you and telling you she still loves you.

 

I would bet anything that if you offered to continue the affair without her husband's knowlege or if you would continue to stroke her ego by keeping in contact with her and letting her know you miss her and talking about how great it was between the two of you in the past- she would LOVE it and encourage it. Because she is the happiest when she has the stable home and her husband with you on the side. I know you want to believe you were/are more to her but you're not and she has proven this because she is holding on to her life with hubby for with all her might and doesn't have any intention of leaving unless HE ends it. Then she will probably run to you as her back up plan. I'm sure she cared about you at one time but as others have said, not as much as she cares about herself. Her feelings for you were contigent upon having her life with her husband as well.

 

She has a very easy out- her husband knows about the affair, she has every reason to leave and be with you and start that life the two of you talked about, planned for. But she chooses to stay put. If she was so in love and so happy with you and genuinely had all these plans for a future with you, she would take this opportunity to make it happen. Instead she stays with her husband.

 

Get angry. Get rid of everything that reminds you of her. I'm sorry to be harsh but that part of your life is over. You are going to be miserable until you give yourself permission to let her go and realize she is NOT the person you thought she was.

 

I have NO arguement for this

[Lookingforward]

and may I add, give yourself permission to grieve for the loss of your hopes and dreams...........

[stampdaddy]

and may I add, give yourself permission to grieve for the loss of your hopes and dreams...........

 

God, they were so sweet.. The WHOLE package.. her kids, mine, "growing old with me", golf, cooking, work, the yard, sleeping, every other weekends, trips, grandchildren, holding hands, etc....

 

Someone said that I am afraid to mourn all of this.. I am scared to death to....

[Owl]

But you need to recognize the fact that if you aren't mourning that loss...you're still holding onto the hope that it isn't lost.

 

As long as you hold onto that hope...you're preventing yourself from recovering and healing.

 

You need to recognize that this fantasy is just that...something that will not ever come true. Realize that, mourn the loss of it...and you start moving forward again.

[stampdaddy]

But you need to recognize the fact that if you aren't mourning that loss...you're still holding onto the hope that it isn't lost.

 

As long as you hold onto that hope...you're preventing yourself from recovering and healing.

 

You need to recognize that this fantasy is just that...something that will not ever come true. Realize that, mourn the loss of it...and you start moving forward again.

 

yeah, I guess this makes sense... Before yesterday, I was doing fine NOT thinking about all of that.. Now, I am back to square one..

[JamesM]

Imagine a world with her.

 

One day you get a call from her. Your heart leaps. The love for her has never died. Her voice brings the past memories back into your mind. You have forgotten the pain she caused, and you remember only the joy she brought. You decide to meet her against the advice of your friends. You tell them that she has changed. She does love you.

 

She is divorced from him, and she meets you. Her eyes are brimming with tears. That look of love is in her eyes. She says that she has given much thought to you and decided that you have been the best thing that ever happened. She expresses her sadness that she caused you so much pain. She never realized how much you made her complete. She wants to share her life with your forever. No one else does to her what you do. You put your arms around her, and she melts in them. You embrace and kiss. The love that was there never left. You know she is the one.

 

You begin all over again. She is yours. You decide to get married to her, and she is just wonderful. The sex is awesome. Every time you make love the symphony is playing in your mind. She is just as you imagined she would be. You have the woman of your dreams. Every morning is a joy as you look in her loving eyes. Everything about her is wonderful...her messed up hair and even her bad breath. This is true love.

 

Time goes on. Life has a way of bringing the mundane into our lives and splash us with reality. The days stretch out and small arguments pop up. Money issues arise. She spends more than you think she should. She is not so selfless as you thought, but you love her. That messed up hair looks better combed. And that morning breath? You bring her a glass of water before you kiss her now. But you notice something else...her love for you doesn't seem as strong.

 

Could it be your imagination or is she cheating on you? You ask her, and she denies it. She says you are the only one for her. You try to believe her, but in the back of your mind you wonder.

 

The months pass by, and she begins to act differently. She still shows love to you, but she spends more time away from the house. She buys new dresses and gets a new haircut, but you wonder...are they for you? And so your life goes. There is this constant wondering and fear...is she being faithful?

 

You never really trust her, but there is no evidence to the contrary. You confront her. She denies it and is angry at you. Your marriage begins to lose its passion and closeness. You cannot remember the last time you made love. She never wants it anymore. You wonder...is she being unfaithful?

 

And then the day arrives that you realize that she has been cheating on you for a number of years. You felt that it was there, but you always thought you were different. You wanted to believe her when she denied it. You wanted to believe that this was just a phase that the two of you would survive. But you were wrong.

 

She wants the fantasy man of her dreams, but he doesn't exist. She tried to believe you were the one, but like her ex husband, you could not be that "knight in shining armor." She wanted to live "happily ever after," but with you this never happened. So she went looking....just "knowing" that her real soul mate was out there somewhere. If she had simply matured and realized that life is not a fairy tale, then when the feelings of love subsided she would have known that with time and work they would return. Marriage takes work, and marriage will have its ups and downs, then she would have realized that the meaning of love is not a feeling only but also a commitment. If she had known this, then she may actually have the man of her dreams. But like her last marriage, when the passion died, she went to reclaim that passion with someone else.

 

And so you split. Your heart broken once again by her. And you remembered how five years ago, you made the decision to marry her against the advice of many.

 

If only you had listened.

[Owl]

yeah, I guess this makes sense... Before yesterday, I was doing fine NOT thinking about all of that.. Now, I am back to square one..

 

Which might explain why everyone was so adamant against what you did.

 

We KNEW that would be the cost of those actions.

 

That's why I've been pushing you for MONTHS to take active steps to PREVENT contact between the two of you.

 

This is exactly why NC is a REQUIREMENT in order for everyone to heal.

[Dominique]

Good story, James M....Most likely very true...

 

Stamp, is moving out of the question?

 

I know many pooh-pooh this as too much burden for a "relationship" but I know that distance does wonders and "accelerates" time.

 

Dom

[stampdaddy]

Which might explain why everyone was so adamant against what you did.

 

We KNEW that would be the cost of those actions.

 

That's why I've been pushing you for MONTHS to take active steps to PREVENT contact between the two of you.

 

This is exactly why NC is a REQUIREMENT in order for everyone to heal.

 

I know, Pops! I made a mistake and I am regretting it, obviously, because my heart is in my lap...

[grogster]

Imagine a world with her.

 

One day you get a call from her. Your heart leaps. The love for her has never died. Her voice brings the past memories back into your mind. You have forgotten the pain she caused, and you remember only the joy she brought. You decide to meet her against the advice of your friends. You tell them that she has changed. She does love you.

 

She is divorced from him, and she meets you. Her eyes are brimming with tears. That look of love is in her eyes. She says that she has given much thought to you and decided that you have been the best thing that ever happened. She expresses her sadness that she caused you so much pain. She never realized how much you made her complete. She wants to share her life with your forever. No one else does to her what you do. You put your arms around her, and she melts in them. You embrace and kiss. The love that was there never left. You know she is the one.

 

You begin all over again. She is yours. You decide to get married to her, and she is just wonderful. The sex is awesome. Every time you make love the symphony is playing in your mind. She is just as you imagined she would be. You have the woman of your dreams. Every morning is a joy as you look in her loving eyes. Everything about her is wonderful...her messed up hair and even her bad breath. This is true love.

 

Time goes on. Life has a way of bringing the mundane into our lives and splash us with reality. The days stretch out and small arguments pop up. Money issues arise. She spends more than you think she should. She is not so selfless as you thought, but you love her. That messed up hair looks better combed. And that morning breath? You bring her a glass of water before you kiss her now. But you notice something else...her love for you doesn't seem as strong.

 

Could it be your imagination or is she cheating on you? You ask her, and she denies it. She says you are the only one for her. You try to believe her, but in the back of your mind you wonder.

 

The months pass by, and she begins to act differently. She still shows love to you, but she spends more time away from the house. She buys new dresses and gets a new haircut, but you wonder...are they for you? And so your life goes. There is this constant wondering and fear...is she being faithful?

 

You never really trust her, but there is no evidence to the contrary. You confront her. She denies it and is angry at you. Your marriage begins to lose its passion and closeness. You cannot remember the last time you made love. She never wants it anymore. You wonder...is she being unfaithful?

 

And then the day arrives that you realize that she has been cheating on you for a number of years. You felt that it was there, but you always thought you were different. You wanted to believe her when she denied it. You wanted to believe that this was just a phase that the two of you would survive. But you were wrong.

 

She wants the fantasy man of her dreams, but he doesn't exist. She tried to believe you were the one, but like her ex husband, you could not be that "knight in shining armor." She wanted to live "happily ever after," but with you this never happened. So she went looking....just "knowing" that her real soul mate was out there somewhere. If she had simply matured and realized that life is not a fairy tale, then when the feelings of love subsided she would have known that with time and work they would return. Marriage takes work, and marriage will have its ups and downs, then she would have realized that the meaning of love is not a feeling only but also a commitment. If she had known this, then she may actually have the man of her dreams. But like her last marriage, when the passion died, she went to reclaim that passion with someone else.

 

And so you split. Your heart broken once again by her. And you remembered how five years ago, you made the decision to marry her against the advice of many.

 

If only you had listened.

 

Very wise and true words, James. Beautifully expressed, too.

 

Are you listening, SD?

 

Print-out Jame's post and read it every night before you go to sleep.

 

Listen to and understand his message.

[stampdaddy]

Jimmy, my man... Thanks for the story and all of the effort put into it. And while again, I have no arguement, THIS scenario that you just painted could happen with ANY girl I meet.. And yet, another nasty, ugly result coming from the type of relationship I have been in.. if my "Sweetie" can do this, why can't this new broad? (I love that word, jk).

 

As far as MW goes, I don't believe that she could EVER go through this again (i know I sure as sh*t couldnt). I DO believe that I "know" her, but I am sure I am stupid and naive to think so..

[JamesM]

Jimmy, my man... Thanks for the story and all of the effort put into it. And while again, I have no arguement, THIS scenario that you just painted could happen with ANY girl I meet..

 

Correct...it could.

 

BUT...the difference here is that you KNOW it could happen. The difference here is that the relationship started out the same way. And the difference here is that this relationship is built on the foundation of dishonesty and distrust.

[MizzBlue72]

SD - I just want to give you hugs. I am so sorry that you had to go through this, and deep down inside I know that everyone is telling us to love ourselves first, and to make the best decision. I also know that this is so hard to do.

 

I don't think you can flip a switch and make this all better - but hopefully, little by little, your pain will lessen. Little by little you will get your life back.

 

Have a good cry - and be angry. It's OK to do this - you are mourning the loss of something that might not have been special to all on these boards, but it was special to you.

[norajane]

As far as MW goes, I don't believe that she could EVER go through this again (i know I sure as sh*t couldnt). I DO believe that I "know" her, but I am sure I am stupid and naive to think so..

 

You don't know her. You know what she presented to you, which is obviously not the same thing she presented to her H, to her kids, or to herself. You were told one part of a much bigger whole...that's called manipulation, by the way, when what you are told deliberately paints a far different picture than the whole.

 

Love does NOT conquer all. That's nonsense, and you know it. Maybe in movies, but they all END when the two kiss at the top of the Empire State Building. Just because you love someone does NOT mean you CAN or SHOULD be with them. Welcome to the real world.

 

You need her to shoot you between the eyes because you can't bring yourself to end this. You need her to dump you and tell you she was using you as a temporary escape. And that it was great for a while until you started pushing her to make a decision and then it all went to crap because she wasn't planning to leave her marriage. You need her to end it, because otherwise you will hold on to the most transparent of false hopes.

 

Case in point - you're already spending endless hours imaging what you will do when she's divorced and if you can start over...as though you seeing her wearing her wedding ring is like she filed for divorce? I don't get why you're so convinced hubby is finally going to kick her out. Poor guy, he's just like you, always forgiving and going back for another kick in the gut. Poor guy, he's been waiting for her to shoot him between the eyes and put him out of his misery, too.

 

Look, she is not going to be the one to end this once and for all. She is not getting a divorce. You are - AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN - on your own here. So either make a decision to change your life and take the first baby step toward having some firsts with someone else in your future, or make a decision to carry on mooning after her and trying to imagine how to make yourself fit into her life. IT'S ALL UP TO YOU. YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER YOURSELF - EXERCISE IT.

[Confused4Now]

You don't know her. You know what she presented to you, which is obviously not the same thing she presented to her H, to her kids, or to herself. You were told one part of a much bigger whole...that's called manipulation, by the way, when what you are told deliberately paints a far different picture than the whole.

 

Love does NOT conquer all. That's nonsense, and you know it. Maybe in movies, but they all END when the two kiss at the top of the Empire State Building. Just because you love someone does NOT mean you CAN or SHOULD be with them. Welcome to the real world.

 

You need her to shoot you between the eyes because you can't bring yourself to end this. You need her to dump you and tell you she was using you as a temporary escape. And that it was great for a while until you started pushing her to make a decision and then it all went to crap because she wasn't planning to leave her marriage. You need her to end it, because otherwise you will hold on to the most transparent of false hopes.

 

Case in point - you're already spending endless hours imaging what you will do when she's divorced and if you can start over...as though you seeing her wearing her wedding ring is like she filed for divorce? I don't get why you're so convinced hubby is finally going to kick her out. Poor guy, he's just like you, always forgiving and going back for another kick in the gut. Poor guy, he's been waiting for her to shoot him between the eyes and put him out of his misery, too.

 

Look, she is not going to be the one to end this once and for all. She is not getting a divorce. You are - AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN - on your own here. So either make a decision to change your life and take the first baby step toward having some firsts with someone else in your future, or make a decision to carry on mooning after her and trying to imagine how to make yourself fit into her life. IT'S ALL UP TO YOU. YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER YOURSELF - EXERCISE IT.

 

Amen to this....