stampdaddy Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 OK, I guess I am starting to realize that I can't do this to myself anymore. I have tried SO hard to believe, in her, in myself, in "us", in love and so many other things.. After reading all of the responses just from yesterdays posts, I have to look at the volume of support, of advise, of "I've been there's" and of disappointment from some.. I have always been honest here about everything, but I think I am failing to be honest with myself. There was an analogy to being "addicted". I know that I was "in love", AND there is not a one of you that doesnt want a love like that (only if it is normal and not an affair). OWL, are you "addicted" to loving your wife?? If she all of the sudden was gone tomorrow, could YOU just flip a switch?? I have read lately so many comparable stories it is scary. How the MW acts when the sh*t hits the fan. Everyday for 4 years I thought we were headed somewhere, and yesterday the term "disbelief" was used. VERY accurate. I CAN NOT BELIEVE this is the way it is, BUT, this IS the way it is. She DID NOT CHOOSE ME. Instead, yesterday, she had her wedding ring back on for the first time in 2 1/2 years.. I asked about it, and she said, "I am not divorced yet..." I thought to myself then, AND ALL NIGHT LONG as I tossed and turned and cried about all of this, "WTF.. were you divorced 3-4 weeks ago when you were making love to me, and everyday, every week, every month and every year since you took it off???".. So, what I have been reading is true, SHE CHOSE to stay (or try) to stay their, in that house, with her kids, AND WITH HIM.. I thought about that ring til it drove me crazy. Of course, I will bet that HE sees it and thinks its a joke. He took his off last December and it will stay off.. All of the sudden now, she decides it's a "SYMBOL"?? The "symbol" it stands for now in his eyes is that she has been cheating on him for 4 years. Lying to him all of that time and especially the last 8 months.. Good luck with that.. So, making this decision is the hardest thing that I will ever do, but it has to be done. I have to stop lying to myself. We are NOT special, we are NOT beautiful, not anymore. She chose something other than me, and it was as evident as ever yesterday when I saw the ring. Someone said that just the thought of not being together made him cry.. YES,, I cry and cry and cry. I have not been able to pull the trigger on thinking bad thoughts continually until it's habit, but somehow I have to finally accept this. I HAVE TOO!!!!
jj33 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Stampdaddy I dont know your whole story but I am really sorry you are in such pain. It will get better in time. But give yourself time. Acceptance can take awhile. Big hugs
GreenX Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 *hugs* You know you deserve better than what you have been given.. in due time things will begin to get better. You just have to keep fresh in your mind that the relationship was not healthy and somewhere out there better things are to come. It must be difficult dealing with this but you will manage.. even when you're feeling so low you will be able to pick yourself back up, you'll find a way.
JamesM Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 SD, I have followed your story and understand some of the highs and lows that you have endured with this woman. It must have been a difficult night. I "hear" the pain in your words. I am guessing that the next few days may not be easy, but the first step to healing and moving on is knowing how you feel and what your plans are. As I say to my boys, prevention is the key. I don't say that without some understanding, but it is important to prepare for situations where you may meet her, where she may attempt to meet you, or when you want to meet her. Prevent any situation like this from happening again. What I next will say may sound uncaring, but it is not intended that way. I think something that might help is to begin making many female friends. One of those women may be of big help to your healing process. And who knows...while it sounds difficult to believe, she may be the one who turns out to be your soul mate. I say this because when I finally was able to break it off with my toxic relationship, it was with the help of another woman...who became my wife. Hang in there. While I don't understand all of your pain, I have experienced some. It is not easy, but it can be overcome.
grogster Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Whether an affair or not, the endings to any intense relationship are brutally painful. One can't snap one's fingers and go back to before--that eternal sunshine of a spotless mind. As someone who had a long term love affair with a married woman, I understand what you're feeling. While there are no quick fixes, some adjusments work better than others. First, and foremost, get this woman out of your life. She's a tumor that must be excised if you're to recover. Next, throw yourself into activities where other people are involved: sports, clubbing, night classes, politics, religion, bowling. If you find yourself becoming seriously depressed, seek medical counsel. Good luck, my man.
Owl Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 SD, you will never recover and begin to heal until you finally allow yourself to get angry at the way things have gone. The problem is this...you keep wanting to forgive her. You keep finding reaons and excuses for the way you've been treated. YOU HAVE NOT HELD HER PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WAY THAT SHE TREATED YOU. As long as you continue to accept things...until you finally get ANGRY about it...plan on staying right where you're at.
bish Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 OK, I guess I am starting to realize that I can't do this to myself anymore. I have tried SO hard to believe, in her, in myself, in "us", in love and so many other things.. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you say that she not only cheated on her husband with you, making all these stupid promises to you, but was cheating on him with someone else the same time she was with you?? What is to "believe" about her? Looks like it doesn't matter who she screws as long as it is someone. That, coupled with the fact she is married, should be reason enough for you to say, "she is one nasty, cheating ho" and move on with your life.
Lookingforward Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you say that she not only cheated on her husband with you, making all these stupid promises to you, but was cheating on him with someone else the same time she was with you?? What is to "believe" about her? Looks like it doesn't matter who she screws as long as it is someone. That, coupled with the fact she is married, should be reason enough for you to say, "she is one nasty, cheating ho" and move on with your life. Bish, I believe that was another poster who was long term OM, 7 years from memory, Cagney I think? Just because SD's MW couldn't do the right thing by everyone doesn't make any reason to call her names. We all struggle with our lives in our own way.
bish Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Bish, I believe that was another poster who was long term OM, 7 years from memory, Cagney I think? Ah yes. Ok, my bad. Couldn't remember. Just because SD's MW couldn't do the right thing by everyone doesn't make any reason to call her names. It wasn't because she didn't do the right thing. Its because she is a cheater.
Author stampdaddy Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you say that she not only cheated on her husband with you, making all these stupid promises to you, but was cheating on him with someone else the same time she was with you?? What is to "believe" about her? Looks like it doesn't matter who she screws as long as it is someone. That, coupled with the fact she is married, should be reason enough for you to say, "she is one nasty, cheating ho" and move on with your life. Bish, allow me to correct you, because you are wrong.. She didnt cheat with anybody else... I thought maybe this was an "exit affair", but the only problem was, there was no exit, even though there were MANY doors, wide open, with all the lights and arrows pointing the way out, BUT, she stayed in her seat
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 SD, once you make the final decision - Make your heart close off to her in every way and give up that last slight glimmer of hope - You can work through this and heal. It won't be easy, and it will take time, but you need to allow yourself to actually go through the phases of a break up. As long as you have that slight bit of hope, you can't let go.
Lookingforward Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 It's been 8 months of back and forth followed by the "end". It's only been a month, you can't expect to heal overnight, so don't beat yourself up. You'll go through a lot of stages yet. It's hard to finally see your hopes and dreams laying dead in the dust. {{SD}}
grogster Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 SD, once you make the final decision - Make your heart close off to her in every way and give up that last slight glimmer of hope - You can work through this and heal. It won't be easy, and it will take time, but you need to allow yourself to actually go through the phases of a break up. As long as you have that slight bit of hope, you can't let go. You're right, my friend. Hope is the flip-side of despair in these sad and sordid sagas. As long as stampdaddy hopes, he'll be mired in despair and unable to pull himself out of the muck. Abandon all hope about this flatlining relationship, stampdaddy. Pronounce it dead, give it a quick burial and move on with your life. You'll never be able to emotionally connect with others as long as you remain in this dysfunctional relationship's thrall. Free yourself, because she won't. She'll just continue to use you when it's convenient for her.
Author stampdaddy Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 Everybody is right. I am not ready to end this, what the hell is wrong with me?? I say I am trying, but I know I am not. I can write it all down on paper, about what we WOULD have if she ends up divorced, and that is a mess. But, Stampdaddy seems to think he can take these lemons and make lemonade. I am a nurturer, it seems, and have the need to "be there" because I "promised" I would. I also remember something OWL said, that right now, it's like an alien is inside her body, and the "sweetgirl" that I knew has been beamed up to the mothership, or something like that. SO, I am struggling with this: WHY are these things so common? Is it possible that she is STILL in there, but very desparate and making terrible decisions? Her CHILDREN are her main focus, and once she gets divorced, who does she become? What if I met her AFTER she was divorced? WHo would I have met? After all of this dust settles, and she is divorced, WHO comes out on the other side? THIS IS WHERE I SEEM TO BE AT. I can't help it.
mytruelove Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 i don't know if this will help or hurt, but i can only rely my experience with this. there was a very short period of time that i too put my wedding ring back on. i felt obligated to give my marriage one last chance. even though my guy and i had not been "together" at that point - we had talked about things. he took one look at the ring on my finger and i saw everything in his eyes. IT CRUSHED ME!!! he walked away and said nothing other than i need a month away from you. i knew how much it hurt him and i swore never ever hurt him again. nothing more needed to be said. i left, took that D*** ring off and NEVER put it back on. i respected his wishes for no contact. 30 days later i called him and made a commitment to him. i committed to pursuing a relationship with him. i promised to never hurt him like that again. if this woman cares about you, loves you... nothing would stop her from being with you. if not, then she won't. sometimes it takes something BIG to open peoples eyes. take care hon. with realization comes healing. your on the road to recovery - good for you!!!
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 if this woman cares about you, loves you... nothing would stop her from being with you. if not, then she won't. If she really wanted a life with SD, she wouldn't have had a 4 year affair with him. She would have not allowed it to continue and live a double life. People who fall inlove with someone else while married, DO divorce. As awful and painful as it is for the betrayed spouse to lose their spouse to an OW/OM - IT IS BEST that it happens quickly. Those who are married and stay in a LTA, rarely leave and end up with the affair partner. She may love him, care for him deeply, but she loves herself MORE.
Author stampdaddy Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 This is what hurts me the absolue most.. I KNOW she loves me. I FEEL that she loves me. I know that she is IN LOVE with me.. you know it and you feel it and you see it... BUT!!! WWIU is right. all she has shown me is that she has only thought about herself. I can say she is thinking about her children, and some would argue that (so please don't), but even in regards to the ring, it is NOT because she feels that she owes her marriage anything, it's to keep her ass in that house longer... The clock has struck mid-night for Cinderella, and she is in for quite a shock
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Stamp, if she was thinking of her children to begin with, she never would have had an affair with you. Sorry, I know you said "so please don't", but I have to.. She is not ready to be on her own, change her life completely. She is so used to the lifestyle of being married and having you on the side. Yes, the love could be there, but those who truly love eachother, don't do what she's done. To her husband, to her kids, to you...And to herself. Until this woman seeks counselling - NOTHING at all will ever change, reguardless if she stays married or divorces. She is at a stand-still and is choosing to stay in that spot, just like you are choosing (out of fear too) to change your ways of thinking about this.
Lookingforward Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Stamp, Stamp, face it... even IF (BIG if) she did bite the bullet and D, your dynamic (the "us") has been forever changed. It would be like starting all over again, you can't turn back time and erase the last 8 months. You would be two different people than were "in" this relationship you had with her...you have changed in ways you can't even see yet. Just know that your head is going to be playing these "mind tapes" for months yet......just hold on tight and be prepared for a bumpy ride.
Author stampdaddy Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 Stamp, Stamp, face it... even IF (BIG if) she did bite the bullet and D, your dynamic (the "us") has been forever changed. It would be like starting all over again, you can't turn back time and erase the last 8 months. You would be two different people than were "in" this relationship you had with her...you have changed in ways you can't even see yet. Just know that your head is going to be playing these "mind tapes" for months yet......just hold on tight and be prepared for a bumpy ride. But is that OK? see, that is what I dont know.. Yes, these last 8 months have flat sucked. The pressure that this did to "us" created some awful things.. BUT, the relationship in its beginnings had such great promise. I have never "connected" with someone like this. A "history" was started. Things that I shared I could NEVER get back, and share with anybody else. (which I know sounds sappy, but it is the truth). Here is a stupid example that meant the world to me.. I played football down in Texas growing up, the classic "Friday Night Lights" type of football. We went to the playoffs, and played at the Cotton Bowl, and then advanced to play at Texas Staudium where the Cowboys play.. This is one of my most precious memories as a kid.. I shared all of that with her an a trip to Dallas. We started at my high school field (which is like some college stadiums). I walked through some of my memories on that field, touchdowns, rivalries etc... Then we went to the Cotton Bowl, and did the same thing. And then to Texas Stadium (I have a friend down there that arranged it for me.) I have NEVER shared that with anyone else, and could never again. I know in the BIG picture, this is trivial to some, but it was MY BIG PICTURE of MY LIFE. I know in everyones lives this happens, but there just seems to be SO much that I shared, were "firsts" and I was looking forward wo a lifetime of these "firsts". When you are 41, you would think there can't be a whole lot of "firsts" left to experience (OK, SD, listen to what you just wrote). So I guess my question here is, IF she comes out on the other end with a Divorce, why wouldnt I want to "start over", maybe even "replay" some of these "firsts" with her? Is this not possible?
Lookingforward Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Honey, it's possible, but realise it just won't be the same.... and it may never happen, that's the thing you have to face. If it hasn't happened in 4 years, and especially considering the pressure there was on her to just damn well decide already over the last 8 months...what is different NOW? If he divorces her, do you really want to be her "choice" by default? Aren't you worth more than to be second choice?
Author stampdaddy Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 Honey, it's possible, but realise it just won't be the same.... and it may never happen, that's the thing you have to face. If it hasn't happened in 4 years, and especially considering the pressure there was on her to just damn well decide already over the last 8 months...what is different NOW? If he divorces her, do you really want to be her "choice" by default? Aren't you worth more than to be second choice? Of course I am.. I don't want to settle.. I was the "first choice" for a long time, even after a year after Dday, and many more Ddays. These are ALL thoughts that I am covered up with. "she did this to her husband, didnt respect him enough to just say, I love SD and it's over for us". She led him to believe that we were over, while not committing herself to the marriage, but for the kids (his words), and he stopped checking on her. But, she continued to love me.. I worry about "resentment", the kids, him, the family, the neighbors, MY friends and family.. Of course I deserve better than all of that. So why am I so willing to see what could happen, again, IF she comes out on the other side? If "love can conquer all", can it conquer these fears that I have? IF we started to "date" again, couldnt that be something better than we had, freedom? Freedom to date, freedom to forgive, freedom to remember, freedom to grow, to love, to live? I am a damn mess
bish Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Bish, allow me to correct you, because you are wrong.. Already corrected before you wrote this.
bish Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Everybody is right. I am not ready to end this, what the hell is wrong with me?? I guess the "women go for bad boy jerks" works the other way as well. She is a cheater and she has you smitten. Again, why would you want someone that cheats? If she can cheat with you, she can definitely cheat on you. I think you and her husband need to drop her where she belongs.
bish Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 What?? Is she the only frickin' woman in the world?
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