Vertex Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I know they say being in a bad relationship can feel worse/more lonely than being single... But after this breakup, I just feel so lonely. My friends even threw me a surprise birthday party, and that was great... but I just feel so lonely not having that "significant other" to share things with on that intimate level. What happiness can I possibly have if I can't share it with someone? I don't really know what I'm getting at... but it all just feels quite isolated.
Nemo Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 What happiness can I possibly have if I can't share it with someone? We're all in a state of limbo until we find that special someone. The best you can do is grin and bear it, and hope it doesn't last too long. There are some people who claim to be happy single, but they're simply in denial. Sooner, or later, they recognise that the only true happiness is felt in the warm glow of a partner's love. Knowing that it's not just you against the world - it's the special two. Good luck with finding somebody to share your life. As Socrates said, "The solitary life is not worth living."
Geishawhelk Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 It's a dependency. It's not necessarily love, as such. You feel half a person without an SA next to you. You only feel lonely because you feel part of you is missing. This is what relationship dependency does to you. Actually, it's like any other dependency - drug, alcohol, cigarettes.... it's a question of having to wean yourself off a habit that although pleasant, was actually doing you more harm than good. Your happiness is not dependent on the inclusion in your life of a significant other. Your happiness is not dependent on your getting apologies, explanations, inputs or justifications from those who have hurt you in the past. (I know you haven't even hinted this, but I'm just speaking from experience here....) Your happiness is not dependent on life always being great, wonderful, love-drenched and serene. Because it ever rarely is. Your happiness is not dependent on being able to help anyone, fix anyone, repair anyone or make them change their pattern of behaviour, because you never can, and you never will. Again, I know you made no mention, but it's a point..... Your happiness is not dependent on anything outside of yourself. The only way you can gain true happiness, serenity and lasting Joy is by accepting that you are absolutely, wonderfully, blissfully perfect just as you are right now. The most important person in your life - the one who deserves your completely accepting, unconditional love and Compassion - is You. You always will be. Because until you can totally come to terms with yourself - "damaged" bits, warts and all, and love yourself as deeply as you'd like to love anyone else - you can never love anyone else that way. You will always have an agenda - and so will they. I hate to sound puerile, but find things to do, and give it time.
ianandris Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Geisha, that was absolutely beautiful. Those are some of the wisest words I've ever read addressing lonliness. Very, very helpful for me right now...
ianandris Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 The only way you can gain true happiness, serenity and lasting Joy is by accepting that you are absolutely, wonderfully, blissfully perfect just as you are right now. I really like this. It necessitates a major paradigm shift for me. I've always seen perfection as the end goal, something to be worked towards, obtained through effort. It's a state absent flaws, possessing the highest virtue. BUT, if this statement is true, and I get the sense that it is, perhaps perfection isn't an end at all, but rather the very state of being. If there can be such a thing as imperfection, it is ignorance of the idea that all things in their present state are already perfect. If that's true, than perfection isn't always ideal, is it? Interesting idea.
Geishawhelk Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 The hardest, and most difficult thing to absorb and to accept is that this goes for other people too. You see, as human beings we cannot ever hope to be 'perfect' in someone's eyes. We will always have 'desirable' an 'undesirable' traits. Yet this is the very thing that makes us human. it is our responsibility to ourselves to appraise who or what we are (and we can only ever be something by definition, in comparison to something or someone else....) accept the flaws, and if we so choose, if we see fit, if we think or believe it needs changing - then to do so. But we must do so for our own development, peace of Mind, absolute serenity and acceptance. Nobody else's. But the first thing to do is to become friends with ourselves, and accept ourselves as we are, right NOW. This minute, this instant, this present moment. We have to initially like the person we are, even prior to making the changes we feel we might benefit from. In other words, we will only be improving on the already great person we already are. And that's down to us. Don't get me wrong: I'm not talking about the socially unacceptable traits like hitting women (or hitting men!) drinking excessively, doing hard drugs, stealing, lying pathologically, sleeping around with no protection.... I'm talking about the minor personality traits that we're occasionally identified with. These are changeable. These can help us grow. or if we choose to stay where we are, and live with them - then that's OK too.... Perfection isn't flawless. Perfection is being a peace within, with what is, without.
Author Vertex Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 The problem is that I've experienced love and I know what it can do for you. My life was absolutely amazing... so many of my skills were supplemented, previous ones augmented, happiness elevated, health strengthened, mindset clear... everything was just so great. I was so productive, and doing amazing things with my life. Without that wind of happiness and interaction, I don't really know what I'm doing.
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Why were you able to do more and better vertex? Seems to me these were inherently inside of you already. That you rely on someone to bring them out, means you've got some work to do on your self-confidence level.
Isolde Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Geisha, BECAUSE humans are flawed, we all find it very hard to feel complete without a partner, even if this is a fallacious way of thinking. Just as people can never be ideal, people's attitudes can never be ideal, either. We can improve them, but there will always be blocks, obsessions, detours that our mind will take. Does that make sense? Also, to be quite blunt, feeling good about yourself doesn't take away the biological fact of sex drive.
Author Vertex Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 trialbyfire: Absolutely everything. I woke up every morning extremely excited and happy... and this lasted for MONTHS. I'd go to school and dominate my classes without trying (and this was a hard high school) and made it out as valedictorian... I literally aced all my SAT's, lost a bunch of weight, laughed more often, had extremely interesting discussions, made amazing memories (both friendly and intimate), had great sex, experienced the feeling of being able to take care of someone you love, had the joy of doing something for someone and have them turn ecstatic, got to experience romance and the act of being romantic, traveled to many places, etc... I don't know how to describe it without coming off as arrogant. For my whole life, I've always been complimented as being a quality person with a strong mind, and so I know I always did well... but the happiness that came with a relationship was just overflowing, and everything just went into overdrive. The energy was infinite and my mind was so clear, and things made sense. It was absolutely perfect... I was on top of the world. The relationship didn't work out once the distance of going to different colleges kicked in, but that relationship was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Ever since that breakup, things just haven't been the same. My energy has depleted, and I ended up in another relationship that was extremely abusive and draining. That one has since ended, but now I am just feeling so lonely. I pine for old memories of that earlier relationship and those feelings of unbridled love, passion, ability, clarity, and intimacy. Now that I've experienced what a strong love can do for people, I just feel like things are so much worse when I'm single. Those intense feelings just aren't there.
jerbear Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Dude... the weather is good. I suggest getting up and go downtown, go clubbing, South, Center, etc..., ask some of your buddies and just go out. Tough love but you gotta snap out of it for now.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Vertex, I'm 38, married for the second time, and I still 'pine for old memories of that earlier relationship and those feelings of unbridled love, passion, ability, clarity, and intimacy', that relationship I had with my HS sweetheart. It doesn't help that I still live in the same area, and my drive to the bank takes me down a now-paved road that we used to park on, or that he died in a car accident a few years ago. I don't dwell on the what-was, though. It was great, it taught me a lot, I wouldn't trade that time for the world, but it's over. Don't hinge your life on someone else. Embrace what was, but recognize that you can't live in the past. (okay, 'pine for' might be a bit strong in my situation...but I remember, nearly every day, and some days, I wish I was back there, skipping school with him to go swimming in the river. Even that day I cut my foot on a mussel and ended up at the hospital and then got an infection that had me on crutches for my sweet sixteen...lol...see? Great times.)
Walk Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I pine for old memories of that earlier relationship and those feelings of unbridled love, passion, ability, clarity, and intimacy. Now that I've experienced what a strong love can do for people, I just feel like things are so much worse when I'm single. Those intense feelings just aren't there. I'm just curious, but how old are you Vertex? I'm pretty sure you said you're early to mid 20's. Also, how many gf's have you had? Anyway, the only way to find a relationship like the one you pine for is to be happy with yourself and your life as it is now. I know that's easier said then done.
torranceshipman Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I think you sound like someone who has the capacity to be very tough mentally but you havent engaged those skills yet. I have no doubt the R enabled you to be brighter and better but...you can be that great without a R-it just takes some working on yourself, and the realisation you can dig deep and get what you need to come out a winner no matter what, R or no R. With a great R ofcourse, realisation of that is kinda handed to you on a plate!!-but you can coach yourself to realize that potential and performance all on your own-no problem. Go for it, I say! And try not to dwell on the past and snap out of it a little if you can-those thoughts can drag you down a bit...engage the positive thinkin 100%. The thing about a great R is that it is always there to pep you up, kinda like a coach, but without that coach you have to learn to pep up on your own. Totally can be done, you just need to learn how to do it. Then hey, when another R comes along youll be absolutely unstoppable with both Plus its ok to feel a bit down sometimes, just try hard not to stay in that state of mind too long.
Shygirl15 Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Geisha, BECAUSE humans are flawed, we all find it very hard to feel complete without a partner, even if this is a fallacious way of thinking. Just as people can never be ideal, people's attitudes can never be ideal, either. We can improve them, but there will always be blocks, obsessions, detours that our mind will take. Does that make sense? Also, to be quite blunt, feeling good about yourself doesn't take away the biological fact of sex drive. Very realistic.
Author Vertex Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 Walk: 22. I've had maybe three serious relationships (there have been others but they were either short-lived or nothing got serious). It's difficult for me to be content and energized when single. I like having a goal or something to work for. Whenever I'm having fun, I always ponder over how much MORE fun it'd be if I had someone there as well to share it with. There are just certain aspects to a "two-person" lifestyle that you just can't get from being single. And it's those attributes I crave so badly.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 There are just certain aspects to a "two-person" lifestyle that you just can't get from being single. And it's those attributes I crave so badly. Meaning? Vertex, relationships are a gift, and there is no denying that there are certain aspects of love and comfort that can be found in one. However, it is more than possible to have a very satisfying life on your own as well. In fact, being able to create a life that is satisfying to you, on your own, is a gift as well. Life throws us curveballs sometimes and how we adjust matters greatly to our quality of life. What happens to people who have been married for a very long time, and the lose their spouse, through or divorce or death? Are they supposed to sit in their homes and watch tv and sit on the couch and mourn for the rest of their lives? Sounds like a waste of time to me. I think the problem here is that you think that it is not possible to have a rich life by yourself. If you continue to think that way, nothing will change. I see you trying to convince everyone in this thread why life is so much better in an R, but honestly, where is that getting you if there is no R in your life right now? In addition, I fear that you will fall into relationships that perhaps aren't the most healthy just because you feel "two is better than one". I think that maybe you just haven't gotten over this one particular woman yet. Maybe there is more mourning to do before you can fully let go of it. I don't know, but I wish you luck.
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Draw the line Vertex, between a codependency and a deep, meaningful relationship. When you rely on someone to complete you, it's a codependency.
Author Vertex Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 I don't deny that I have a codependency issue. I am totally guilty of that. I just don't know how to rationalize it. It's fine to say "It's important to be fine with yourself alone," but you have to understand that it's FAR easier said than done. I don't know *how* to do it. It bothers me because I am confident in my quality traits. I know I'm smart, funny, honest, thoughtful, a good communicator, spontaneous, playful, tall/dark, reasonable, driven, hard-working, coming from a good school with a great degree... I mean, I feel very blessed for these things, but I'm also extremely shy and it takes me a while to relax. But I don't know why I feel so incomplete.
Walk Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 I don't deny that I have a codependency issue. I am totally guilty of that. I just don't know how to rationalize it. You don't know how to rationalize that you shouldn't be co-dependent? Or you don't know how to rationalize that you are co-dependent? It's fine to say "It's important to be fine with yourself alone," but you have to understand that it's FAR easier said than done. I don't know *how* to do it. Goals. Set goals for improving yourself (that aren't centered around someone else) and focus on those instead. Vertex, of course your lonely. It's okay to be lonely, no one said you have to be happy 100% of the time. I think the only thing people notice that seems off is that you said you can't be the best you that you can be without someone else in your life. Which is a very negative way to view the world. I know when I've been single I've felt those moments where I felt... incomplete. Where I wanted someone who I could share the ups and downs with and feel connected to. But that's part of the beauty of life. Feeling that helps you to appreciate those times when you do find someone who you can connect with. When you don't have someone else in your life are the times where you can selfishly be free to focus all your attention on the things you want to do with your life (travel, hobbies, time with friends, etc.). You seem to be setting your sites so far in the future that you forget to live in the present. I think you've lost your hope that that next connection, that next great person, is around the corner. Before you know it, this moment will be gone and you'll be fretting over how to spend as much time with your new love without neglecting your school/career/friends. Right now is only temporary. The one constant is change. Trust that life will throw you new curve balls tomorrow, and one of those will be dealilng with a new love and a new relationship. You won't be single forever, not with the cards you bring to the table. Right now is just a lull in your love life. It won't stay that way for very long. Trust in that, and enjoy the time you have right now and all the benefits it has to offer.
Author Vertex Posted October 5, 2008 Author Posted October 5, 2008 Thanks, Walk. That really helped to read that. But you are right in that I always look too far out into the future, and I guess it just scares me. I've never felt comfortable just living in the present. One of my fears is that my college years are almost up. I hear dating is ten times harder afterwards. That scares me because I've, as it is, had few girlfriends. If I can't find someone here in a COLLEGE with my shyness, what hope do I have outside of it? Regardless, I just constantly feel like I'm going to run out of time/opportunities, and never going to be able to feel happy unless I'm sharing it with someone who loves me that I love back.
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 Vertex, do you have any or many close friends?
Walk Posted October 5, 2008 Posted October 5, 2008 One of my fears is that my college years are almost up. I hear dating is ten times harder afterwards. That scares me because I've, as it is, had few girlfriends. If I can't find someone here in a COLLEGE with my shyness, what hope do I have outside of it? Regardless, I just constantly feel like I'm going to run out of time/opportunities, and never going to be able to feel happy unless I'm sharing it with someone who loves me that I love back. I thought college was THE hardest place to get dates from. Even when I had the excuse of groups or class interaction, I've always had an easier time finding people in the real world then in college. Hey, there's an article on yahoo's front page about the US cities with the highest density of single women. You could always sway the odds in your favor after college.
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