GodofNietzsche Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I have been thinking about this. Let's say you break-up, and you have not done anything objectively bad (like physical/mental abuse, cheating, lying, stealing, neglect, etc.) For whatever reason, the person decides ultimately to move on from you. I guess I don't understand the mentality of people who say "Fine. If you don't want me, then I don't want to be with you either. I don't want to be with someone who will just give up on me. #uck you, I don't want it not more." I respect these people. It seems to be an issue of self-esteem. Like, with me, I always think "Damn, where did I mess up? How could I have made it better?" I know this is a useless thought, but it always haunts me (and I mean for legitimate reasons).
lofi_tokyo Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Well, my ex did end up falling for another girl while he was with me. But I don't really take it out on myself at all. Maybe its because we were in a long distance relationship, so its easy to blame distance rather than myself... but I think thats a good thing. I mean, yes, he told me he didn't like how I was mopey about not hanging out with my friends enough, or not having enough money to spend wreaklessly now and then - but both of those were a result of being in a relationship where I had to work long hours in order to make money so I could visit him. Its weird. All the things I wanted and craved while I was with my ex - the few things I felt if I had would make my life perfect - all came to me when we broke up! I guess... what I'm trying to say is... I'm not walking away from my ex feeling "if he cant commit himself to me, I wont commit myself to him", but I'm not feeling a hurt ego either. Its more like... I just am accepting that given the circumstances him and I shared, there was kind of a chain: Neither of us like long distance -> To cope with this, we do all we can to feel less distance, which sadly puts us in a situation where we can't go out as much (more time online/on the phone), and we need to spend lots of money to see eachother -> I'm a social person, so this wears me down, I get cranky -> He does not like me cranky, feels unhappy because he cannot take care of me and make me happy -> I become unhappy that hes unhappy -> we get distant, and look for happiness outside relationship -> he finds a new girl thats closeby. When I last saw him, he kissed me goodbye at the airport, and told me he loved me. He cried and cried about losing me. Two days later, he was dating a new girl. For the next two weeks, I was confused, demanded answers, and he kept telling me he loved me, and always would, but given the situations we were in, we were not meant to be. I became bitter, and was confused and hurt by this but now... I just see it like it was and is. When we were together and in the few moments we could forget the reality of the situation, we were happy. But most of the time, we were in a constant battle with our love for eachother, and our desire for things to be easier. I suspect he still loves me, its only been a month, and I love him but... neither of us want eachother. Because we cant. It just wouldnt work out. I dunno. Maybe I got lucky being able to blame long distance, rather than myself. ;p
Beee Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 GON, I know what you mean. Some days I try and be stronger and think to myself, well if he doesn't want to be with me then its his loss. That's me trying to lift my own spirits up. I am still holding onto shreds of hope, which I know is not the best for me, but I can only move towards letting go. I don't REALLY know what changed in my relationship. It almost seems it went from being happy one week to grumpy and wanting to break up the week after.... and no, there isn't some one else involved as far as I know.... I find it hard to believe, well if he doesn't want me its his loss, but what we have to keep in our minds is that we are good and wonderful people, with a lot to give. We deserve to be with some one who loves us. I know I wish things could be different, but they aren't and that's what I have to live with. I have to make the most of this situation. Although mine was a happy relationship, it obviously wasn't happy enough to keep things going. I want (and deserve - I think, as I am a good person) to be in a loving relationship, where the love is equal on both sides. I know how you feel, and the way I move forward is by looking into the future (yes, occassionally I do slip up and think about the past) and hope that the right time will come sooner rather than later and I will be with some one who loves me just as much as I love them.
Geishawhelk Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I hate to say it, but we can't get along with everyone! Compatibility is a difficult thing and distance will either make or break a relationship, because there's Effort involved. Effort, and Communication. When I worked in Counselling we came to the conclusion, in our seminars, that a Relationship (like a petri dish on a tripod) could only remain balanced and stable if it was uphweld (the tripod bit) by three factors: Trust, Communication and Respect. If any one of these was missing, it was a mess in the Lab. An awful lot of problems aired on this forum are "Why-based. 'Why won't s/he say this? Why did s/he do that? Why has s/he said this? Why won't s/he talk to me?' Communication. Other posts are founded on Trust. or the distinct lack of it. And an awful lot hinge on Respect. Talking to other guys/gals when you're supposed to be a couple, fidelity (Trust AND Respect) flirting, Porn (Respect).... These three factors are the primary, fundamental essential factors in any relationship, and every problem or issue aired on here is attributable to the lack of one or more of these. In a nutshell. next time you see a new thread/post, just test it out. Ask yourself, "What is - or are - the issue(s) here?" Sure as eggs is eggs, it will be, without question, something to do with Communication, Trust or Respect. or a Combo.... But just occasionally, the two people involved were in love with the idea of being in Love. They weren't 'In Love' with each other, as much as in Love with the idea of being with someone. And that's when it all falls apart at the seams. And this can remain hidden for ages, longer than most people realise.... A person's personal history or issues can play a part, as can conditioning or learned behaviour. But all these too, could be resolved by Communication, having - and receiving - some Trust, and Respecting the person you're with......
HopeDiesLast Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I have been thinking about this. Let's say you break-up, and you have not done anything objectively bad (like physical/mental abuse, cheating, lying, stealing, neglect, etc.) For whatever reason, the person decides ultimately to move on from you. I guess I don't understand the mentality of people who say "Fine. If you don't want me, then I don't want to be with you either. I don't want to be with someone who will just give up on me. #uck you, I don't want it not more." I respect these people. It seems to be an issue of self-esteem. Like, with me, I always think "Damn, where did I mess up? How could I have made it better?" I know this is a useless thought, but it always haunts me (and I mean for legitimate reasons). I have questioned that alot...esp. when the break was new, like the first 2 mos. sometimes i still feel like i can fully say "f*ck you if you're gonna give up on me." its hard. and its all a state of mind. you basically have to say to yourself "Self, you're not a sh*tty person. this just wasnt working for whatever reason. stop analyzing. you didnt do anything wrong. it just is what it is." and that is hard to accept too. 4 months out almost and i still try to think abotu what it was that i did wrong. and my best friend said something to me the other day that just made sense.....sometimes as the dumper, you dont even know why it didnt work. it wasnt anything the dumpee did, or anythng that was particularly wrong with him or her. its just something that wasnt there in the relationship. it would be easier, in my opinion, to have a solid reason. something i really did wrong. but maybe i didnt. maybe its that sh*tty excuse, you were incompatible. i know how ya feel, Godof, i do.
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