foreverlove06 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I am not a possessive, needy, irritated person--Or maybe I am? He is going out tonight with one of his friends, and said he will come over my house when he gets home. Except, I have to wake up early tomorrow for something important (I'll be vague to keep myself unidentifiable:p) which I am kinda nervous about... And I just want him here with me. By the time he gets home it will be too late to see eachother because I have to be sleeping. So in reality, he wont come over and he probablys knows that. I dont pick fights by any means, but I feel like it doesnt matter how I feel about something... Does he REALLY have to go out tonight with his friend? It just eases my anxiety when I know he is around particularly when I am nervous about something. I'm not like this all the time, but I feel like my needs are never considered. Not only about this but about other things. For example, if the roles were reversed and I knew he was upset about something, I wouldnt make plans to go out with my friend and I would stay to comfort him. But for him... It seems like he doesnt care as long as he can go out with his friend tonight! Which they can do any night... Am I asking for too much? Am I being unreasonable? I feel like I am so reliant on him at times, and I cant stand it. And of course, we ended up getting annoyed with eachother on the phone... Does anyone else feel this way or have any thoughts about this?
Walk Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I've felt like this too. I know it sucks. But you have to remember, it's not your bf's job to hold your hand through this. (I'm going under the assumption that you aren't going to the doctor to hear whether you're terminally ill or not tomorrow.) There's a difference between asking someone to help you with a problem, or to sit with you during a scary situation, but if this is not life or death scary and it's not something he can help you accomplish (a problem that has a resolution he can take part in), then you're asking for more then you should from him. You don't want to be alone right now. You're asking him to skip doing something that would make him happy, because you don't feel confident enough in yourself to be comfortable in your own skin. You seem to be looking for an escape from yourself. You're energy might be better directed by watching a movie, or reading a book, or cleaning the house. Call a friend and talk, call a family member, try learning yoga tonight.... As a side note: We do things for our partners because we care about them, but it doesn't mean we like it sometimes. And a great deal of times we'll avoid it unless we feel there's a worse outcome for not doing it. On the flip side, we'll gladly do certain things when we feel there's a reward for our good deeds in the near future. p.s. I'm only addressing the issue of this evening. I don't know what other way's he's made you feel as though he is indifferent to what you need from him. Maybe you could give more details about that?
morelaugh Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I've felt like this too. I know it sucks. But you have to remember, it's not your bf's job to hold your hand through this. (I'm going under the assumption that you aren't going to the doctor to hear whether you're terminally ill or not tomorrow.) It’s not? What is it a bf’s job than? If you end up alone every time you need support, why have a bf? P.S. Of course, she CAN go through anything on her own – that’s not an issue
kdark Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 It is his job to support you, but it's not his job to stop hanging out with his friends at the drop of a hat just because you need some comfort on an issue that sounds like he has no bearing on it's outcome. And this doesn't necessarily mean it happens every time. I remember years ago when I got into a vicious fight with my parents, got kicked out of my house for good into the pouring rain, still in my work clothes, and had no car or place to go... I definitely needed the support of my girlfriend at that time, but I knew that she was already busy with something, I didn't get upset with her in the least, even though I left her a voice mail of me sobbing into the phone about what had just happened, and finally got in contact with her many hours later. But hey, to each his (or her) own.
You'reasian Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I am not a possessive, needy, irritated person--Or maybe I am? He is going out tonight with one of his friends, and said he will come over my house when he gets home. Except, I have to wake up early tomorrow for something important (I'll be vague to keep myself unidentifiable:p) which I am kinda nervous about... And I just want him here with me. By the time he gets home it will be too late to see eachother because I have to be sleeping. So in reality, he wont come over and he probablys knows that. I dont pick fights by any means, but I feel like it doesnt matter how I feel about something... Does he REALLY have to go out tonight with his friend? It just eases my anxiety when I know he is around particularly when I am nervous about something. I'm not like this all the time, but I feel like my needs are never considered. Not only about this but about other things. For example, if the roles were reversed and I knew he was upset about something, I wouldnt make plans to go out with my friend and I would stay to comfort him. But for him... It seems like he doesnt care as long as he can go out with his friend tonight! Which they can do any night... Am I asking for too much? Am I being unreasonable? I feel like I am so reliant on him at times, and I cant stand it. And of course, we ended up getting annoyed with eachother on the phone... Does anyone else feel this way or have any thoughts about this? It just depends on the kind of relationship that you guys have and the kind of guy he is. I know personally if I had a girlfriend that had to go through something difficult, I would want to be there for her, especially if we were in a loving, committed relationship. Has your relationship evolved to that level? Because it sounds like it hasn't. Be careful that you don't come to expect too much of him.
Walk Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 It’s not? What is it a bf’s job than? If you end up alone every time you need support, why have a bf? P.S. Of course, she CAN go through anything on her own – that’s not an issue It's not a bf's job to be an emotional tampon. Just like you can't assume a gf is going to put out 24/7 just because she's your gf. Her bf had other things he planned on doing. If she wanted him to sit with her that evening then she should have offered to do something he would value in return. But just because he's her bf doesn't mean he's automatically at her disposal 24/7. I wouldn't mind if my SO asked me to cancel plans with a friend if he needed me, but I've made it very clear to him that he needs to tell me this in words... not to assume I know what's going through his head. And I like to feel appreciated for putting aside things I wanted to do to focus on his problem. But that's my main issue with this.. the OP seems to believe that her bf owes it to her to be there for her, and I didn't get the clear impression that she actually told him how important it was to her. And she seems to make an assumption that she should be treated a certain way. Which is fine.. but she needs to speak up about it rather then ask her bf to be a mind reader.
stefspets Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I don't necessarily agree that he shouldn't have been there, but I agree with Walk that she needed to be clear about this. If she really wanted her bf there, she should have said this exactly, and asked him to change plans (and also offered to do something for him in return). You can't expect your SO to do things for you without even asking them, or conveying the importance of it. They may not even realize it's important.
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