porter218 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Hmm....any other behavioral changes in him? My ears perked up when I read the "slut" remark and accusing you of attracting other men. Me wonders if he's got a slut himself parked somewhere .... My thoughts exactly!!! He doesn't want you to be a "slut" like the girl he is cheating with. This is how his guilt is affecting him.
carhill Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Based on my own experience, I would opine, if he does have "someone", it's likely a PA, based on the physicality of his comments and behavior. OP, perhaps this is jumping to conclusions, but there is a lot of precedence for such. That said, focus on the existing behaviors and comments and how they affect you. That's the real. Time will reveal the rest, if anything else is going on. Rest assured what is now going on is *not* normal behavior for a healthy man.
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Break up with this guy! He has control issues and it's only going to get worse as time goes on.
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Worst case, it will escalate to physical violence when you aren't being or doing exactly what HE says you must be or do, in exactly the way that he wants it done. For one extreme case, google "Paul Bernardo, Karla Homolka." I agree. Put those two names in a google search. *Though I'm not implying you are like Homolka!!* She was messed up before they met, it's just when they did hook up, they brought out the worst in eachother and became more evil.
Lauriebell82 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 and a half years and this issue came up within the last few months. I'm almost 21, he's 23. I've always worn some kind of makeup since I was young and I am used to wearing it and like it a lot. But he told me now, not to wear it anymore. I don't even wear that much, only some eye liner and mascara and its very light. We've gotten into a couple arguments about this and he says I don't need to wear it and if I do I should only wear it when I'm home alone with him. He calls me a slut for wearing even the slightest bit of makeup and says I want to attract other men. This is not the case however, I just like to wear it for myself and I think it looks nice. He also has a problem with me wearing shorts, skirts or any shirts that have a V thats too low. So basically it feels like I am not allowed to look nice anymore. Does anyone else have this problem and is it a common thing? Because he never used to do this and now its really getting annoying. My boyfriend says I look better with makeup. I usually don't wear any because I'm naturally pretty (not to toot my own horn) so when I put on make up it does make me look a little too "made up" I guess you would say. He would NEVER call me a slut though for wearing make up. This guy is abusive, seriously. Lose him. Not that it matters, but have you asked me why he has had the sudden change in attitude. If he used to be okay with you wearing make up, and now all the sudden he isn't, there has to be some kind of reason for it. Does he think you are cheating on him?
Milkflavor123 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 NOPE. its not a common thing. men get jelous of course. but telling your girlfriend to wear something differnt is wrong. No you shouldn't get dressed up like a "slut" showing off every inch of your body- thats disrespectful, and why even do that if your single. but the thing is, when you wear make-up, or you have the body to wear a dress, short shorts, it makes you feel better when your out. I know when I get dressed up for my boyfriend when we go out, I love getting looks from others and hold onto my boyfriends hand and its kind of way of showing him "what he has." But in general- whether your with your boyfriend or not, how you dress is up to you. if wearing make-up makes you feel good, and gives you confidence, makes you feel better about yourself- THEN YIPPIE wear make-up. Basically- if he doesn't understand this. then start doing it back to him. anytime you feel he looks nice. Tell him to dress it down. Show him how it feels.
Angel1111 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Wow... that sounds like an ex-bf of mine. He started getting really controlling and emotionally abusive - starting along those lines. I'm not saying that's where your bf and relationship will end up, but you should say something. If he's not budging and blaming YOU, then there's a problem. He should trust you. Just be careful, I know you probably care for him and that makes it hard to blow this away, but you need to take care of yourself. Is that what you want in a relationship? I would think about putting it to him like that too - tell him that's not the relationship you've had and want in the future. Hopefully that helps, but be careful, that is a possible sign of something worse to come. No, no, no. And no. Discussing it with him will not work. The only thing to do is for her to say that she doesn't like being treated or talked to that way and that if he does it again, she'll leave. And when he does it again - which he will - then she needs to leave and never look back. This is exactly how women get themselves into trouble to begin with - giving chances over and over again, trying to 'work it out', wanting to know 'why'. It's all crap. I wish I could convey this in such a way that women understood completely. If a man is willing to boss you around, talk down to you, demand that you do something - this is extremely bad and this is who he is. Don't waste 2 seconds of your time trying to figure him out. Give him one warning and if he does it again, walk.
Lauriebell82 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 My thoughts exactly!!! He doesn't want you to be a "slut" like the girl he is cheating with. This is how his guilt is affecting him. Wow! That's an excellent observation. I figured there must have a been a reason, but I didn't even think it could be out of guilt. Another idea: He wants to "have his cake and eat it too" (see you and this other girl) therefore he doesn't want you to leave him for some other dude. He probably does think the other girl is a slut and that you are gf material, so he is acting like a pig and deciding he wants both. So he feels he has to seperate his two worlds.
Jersey Shortie Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 No you shouldn't get dressed up like a "slut" showing off every inch of your body- thats disrespectful, and why even do that if your single. but the thing is, when you wear make-up, or you have the body to wear a dress, short shorts, it makes you feel better when your out. I know when I get dressed up for my boyfriend when we go out, I love getting looks from others and hold onto my boyfriends hand and its kind of way of showing him "what he has." One woman's "she looks like a slut" is another woman's "she looks very pretty". If a girl with a boyfriend wants to dress like a slut, how is that disrespectful to her boyfriend????? Its not any more disrespectful then a dude with a girlfriend looking at other hardly clothed women.
Angel1111 Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I don't like girls with face makeup. I know it's tough to learn from others' experiences. But it is an opportunity to not have to experience this type of abusive situation yourself. ___________________ This is totally understandable and I would personally love it if I didn't feel like I had to wear make-up all the time around a guy because I get tired of it. And I hardly ever put make-up on on the weekends. But the difference is that you probably wouldn't demand that your gf not wear it. You would probably just simply say, "I prefer you without make-up but do what makes you happy." This incident is not about the make-up, it's about his bossy, controlling attitude toward her.
Author emmey Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 is he an arab? if he is then it explains a lot. He is actually Asian (Thai/Chinese). But I am pretty sure he isn't seeing anyone else since we live together and we are hardly ever apart. Even have some of the same classes at school, but I think its actually too much time spent together, if anything. I noticed that he will only mention something about the makeup if he is upset about something or stressing for a test, ect. Other than that he seems fine with the makeup and won't say anything about it
carhill Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Sounds like immaturity talking, not relating and specifying what he is upset about but channeling into something about your appearance. IMO, if you don't set a hard boundary here, the behavior will become ingrained. Do you have to live together? Sounds like you're young (going to college). Do you plan to get married? Have you talked about that? Trying to gauge the relationship.... Just so you know, and I in no way mean that it's his MO, my wife and I spend way too much time together (I work at home) and I still had plenty of time for other female friends. Unless you can account for all of his time, there's time. Just be aware. That doesn't mean be suspicious, just aware. As you pointed out, it isn't about makeup, right?
Ocean-Blue Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 and a half years and this issue came up within the last few months. I'm almost 21, he's 23. I've always worn some kind of makeup since I was young and I am used to wearing it and like it a lot. But he told me now, not to wear it anymore. I don't even wear that much, only some eye liner and mascara and its very light. We've gotten into a couple arguments about this and he says I don't need to wear it and if I do I should only wear it when I'm home alone with him. He calls me a slut for wearing even the slightest bit of makeup and says I want to attract other men. This is not the case however, I just like to wear it for myself and I think it looks nice. He also has a problem with me wearing shorts, skirts or any shirts that have a V thats too low. So basically it feels like I am not allowed to look nice anymore. Does anyone else have this problem and is it a common thing? Because he never used to do this and now its really getting annoying. He calls you a slut for wearing makeup? What is wrong with him? This is a sign of a possessive man. He obviously doesn't see you as an individual with her own views. He's trying to make you conform to what he thinks is appropriate. This is NOT cool. I know men in general prefer their women to wear less makeup. But to call you names over it is freakin' ridiculous! You need to talk to him and set some ground rules as far as name calling is concerned. Does he also tell you how to dress?
shykitty Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 and a half years and this issue came up within the last few months. I'm almost 21, he's 23. I've always worn some kind of makeup since I was young and I am used to wearing it and like it a lot. But he told me now, not to wear it anymore. I don't even wear that much, only some eye liner and mascara and its very light. We've gotten into a couple arguments about this and he says I don't need to wear it and if I do I should only wear it when I'm home alone with him. He calls me a slut for wearing even the slightest bit of makeup and says I want to attract other men. This is not the case however, I just like to wear it for myself and I think it looks nice. He also has a problem with me wearing shorts, skirts or any shirts that have a V thats too low. So basically it feels like I am not allowed to look nice anymore. Does anyone else have this problem and is it a common thing? Because he never used to do this and now its really getting annoying. He's insecure. And he gets easily jealous. The guy is viewing you as property..and that is not true love.
Adunaphel Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 It is very weird that the make up and the revealing clothes have never been an issue but in the last three months. I agree that the 'slut' comment and his attitude sound like there is some possible abusive/controlling ahead in the relationship. I also agree with other posters that he might be cheating - but then, again, there might be other possible explanations; so it might be worth to try to get to the bottom of this issue before assuming that your bf is controlling and abusive, expecially if no red flags or possible signs of abuse came out before. Have you asked him why this has become an issue? Ask him if any episode has triggered these feelings. Perhaps something has happened that you are not aware of that triggered his insecurities. If you get no convincing explanation (not of why you shlould not wear make up, but of why he is now so against it) keep absolutely your eyes open...and think whether you should re-consider your relationship with him.
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 No one can abuse or control you, unless you allow them to. I seriously have issues with victim mentality when we're talking about something as insignificant as what you wear or wearing makeup. If you don't like his attitude, shut it down. If he won't listen, shut him down. If you continue to take it, you enable his behaviour. You're not chained to him. It's your life. Take charge of it.
Angel1111 Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 No one can abuse or control you, unless you allow them to. I seriously have issues with victim mentality when we're talking about something as insignificant as what you wear or wearing makeup. If you don't like his attitude, shut it down. If he won't listen, shut him down. If you continue to take it, you enable his behaviour. You're not chained to him. It's your life. Take charge of it. Well said! The only thing I would add to that is don't make the mistake of being flattered by his possessiveness of jealousy. In this case, t's not a compliment.
Sks Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I find makeup disgusting, everything about it I hate. Everyone here is either - OMG HE IS TOO CONTROLLING, BREAKUP or OMG HE NEVER PAYS ATTENTION TO YOU, GET A DIVORCE. You can't have it both ways, relationships and possession go hand in hand, its the way its been since male/female relationships and genders developed. The slut comment might have been a little harsh though.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 I find makeup disgusting, everything about it I hate. Everyone here is either - OMG HE IS TOO CONTROLLING, BREAKUP or OMG HE NEVER PAYS ATTENTION TO YOU, GET A DIVORCE. You can't have it both ways, relationships and possession go hand in hand, its the way its been since male/female relationships and genders developed. The slut comment might have been a little harsh though. The slut comment was and is HARSH. Not just "a little." The male/female dynamic can still thrive without the possessive BS.
Sks Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 The slut comment was and is HARSH. Not just "a little." The male/female dynamic can still thrive without the possessive BS. Possessiveness is completely natural, normal and if you aren't possessive there is a good chance you simply don't care.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Possessiveness is completely natural, normal and if you aren't possessive there is a good chance you simply don't care. It's a matter of balance, isn't it? I like when a man is a little territorial. I think it's sexy. But one who TELLS me what to wear and when to wear makeup is not a man. He's an insecure person who, because of his own shortcomings and inadequacies, has the need to control me. This is not sexy. I get what you're saying...but c'mon, do you REALLY think what the OP has stated is healthy? What if it were a woman calling her bf a raging pervert for having a penchant for open-collared shirts and gold chains?
amymarieca Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 Maybe this will come out the wrong way but I am going to ask anyway. Do you have much self-esteem? I am sure it is pretty obvious that these are signs of a controlling man, so why are you continuing to put up with this? So many women invest time in men that just aren't worth it and it leaves me wondering why. You know how this situation will end and I think you already know that you need to leave.
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