Kasan Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Based on what you have written, your wife is very conservative although she has moderated her views somewhat over the 30 years of marriage. I'm astounded that you have even proposed an "open" marriage to her. You are asking her to change her core values to accommodate your sexual fantasies. I am wondering if she feels inadequate sexually with you, and does she feel betrayed that you would want to bring others into the marriage? Would/does she now have trust issues with you? So what will you do now knowing that she is not receptive, and is it fair to try to change the "rules" 30 years into the marriage?
2sure Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 It has been my experience that most men would like to have ...say, a threesome, at some point. I think most men would have liked to be CEO of their own company. Many men would like to drive an expensive Italian car. Red. Be a winning coach. Etc. Some things are attainable, some are not. You can have regret, but you still cant drive the car. Your wife, as conservative as she is...is watching porn and going to couples nude resorts with you. Thats further than most conservatives will go. She has met you ...almost half way. I am, admittedly, more open minded than many. I understand your frustration. But this may just be one of those things....
quankanne Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 I've also thought that maybe my expectations just aren't reasonable and that my sexual thoughts and needs should be more plain vanilla. Although, I can't convince myself of this. they're not *un*reasonable, just different from hers, you know? Somewhere, there's a happy medium. you say that she's open to certain experiences (the adults-only vacation, watching porn) – would finding literature about how to reconcile two different styles of sexuality be of help? It doesn't sound like she's so very close-minded that she'd say no to reading it. And maybe finding a way to meet you in the middle. Just a thought.
Author DavNY Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 Your wife, as conservative as she is...is watching porn and going to couples nude resorts with you. Thats further than most conservatives will go. She has met you ...almost half way. This is a very true statement. She has met me half way. I should be content with that but for some damn reason I'm not. I think the fact that I see the days/months/years flying by so quickly and our kids are gone and I'm not getting any younger and the fact that I never sowed my wild oats when I was younger, yada yada yada.... I'm living with regrets which I think is fueling my feelings.
a4a Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 ehhh some people just have the need to kink things up..... explore new realms.... not just about not sowing wild oats.
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 I was just going to say that a4a. I wonder how much of this is bordem with life in general and he's focussing on the sex life, making MORE intense and interesting. I say, get a hobby, a fun and exciting one. Go skydiving once or twice, DO something nutty and safe (safe meaning NO other woman involved), spice up your life that way. You have a real good marriage, a good life going...Don't go looking for trouble that will make you live in regret.
morelaugh Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Recently I've brought up the idea of looking into swinging, not full swap swinging, but maybe same room sex and some light touching. This really sent her over the top and she freaked. ... I'm now at the point where I'm afraid to bring up any new ideas because our thinking is on totally different pages in this area and we end up arguing. Do you have any fantasies that do not invole other people? Someting tells me she would be much more open to those. Question is: would that help ease your itch?
Author DavNY Posted October 8, 2008 Author Posted October 8, 2008 You have a real good marriage, a good life going...Don't go looking for trouble that will make you live in regret. Very true statement.
lcarrollccc Posted November 10, 2008 Posted November 10, 2008 DavNY, I can truly relate to everything that you are describing. I, too, married young and have been married for 23 years with one 18 year old son. I had only one other partner before this marriage and I feel the same way you do. For me, though, I am not quite as happy and content as you with my spouse. While he has been a good husband in a 'duty' sort of way, he is emotionally detached and almost a hermit. I could never leave him, though, as he has no family left and he has no friends. I have felt like I've been missing something for several years. Our sex is always the same and, truth be told, I am not very attracted to him sexually any longer. He is a good person, though, and I would never hurt him or leave him, so I keep trying. However, I can't get rid of the feeling that I missed out on the whole dating scene. I guess you could call it sowing my wild oats, but I feel it's more like experiencing different types of partners. I think that for me, at least, I also miss that new exciting feeling that other partners bring. I know this doesn't bring any insight into your situation, but just know that there are others that feel the same way--you are not alone and you are not a bad person. It's called being human. Good luck to you.
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