DavNY Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Hi, I'm new to the forum so therefore a first time poster. I am really struggling with my situation so I'm hoping I can get some thoughful insight and not get bashed too much First I'll begin with some background. I'm male. I'm 52. Been married for 30 years to the same woman. We married young. She was 19. I was 22. We dated since high school. Neither of us dated anyone else. We were each others first. We have 2 grown chidren who have become terrific adults. They live on there own so my wife and I are by ourself. When we were dating I should have seen a red flag but because I was young I probably just overlooked it. The red flag that I'm referring to is the fact that my wife was very conservative in just about everything and I was just the opposite. I was willing to give anything a try. I partied hard. Hung with a wild crowd, took risks, etc.... But, we ended up getting married and overall we've had a good 30 year marriage. We've had some bumps along the way because she remained very conservative and I still had that somewhat carefree type approach. One of the areas that we bumped head over several times was about sex. I always anted to experiment, try new things, nothing kinky or risky, just daring from my perspective. But, her conservative nature just never allowed for it and it caused some rifts. Now fast forward 30 years til now. I am struggling with the constant thought that I may have missed something. I'm regretting that I didn't wait until I was older to get married. This would have allowed me to sow some of the wild oats that I never got a chance to do. To be with and experience other women who weren't as conservative and more willing to be daring froma sexual perspective. I am stuggling with this so much that I am contemplating going out on my own to see if I can have some of those experinces that I missed when I was younger. Even though my wife was very young when we married it doesn't seem to bother her that she missed that carefree period when she was younger. She was always content with being married, raising a family, tending to the house. Overall I have a great wife who is beautiful, she was and is a great mother, she's a great cook, stylish dresser, well maintained, the list of positives goes on and on. But, I can't help but think that I want to try and recapture some of those wild times that I missed. In order to do this though I would be giving up so much and I might be chasing something that I can't recapture. I might be successful with bedding lots of woman and actually have fun doing but eventually the fun would wear off and I'd be regretting my decision. If someone feels so strongly about something should they risk everything they have worked for over the years or should look for ways to be content and happy with what they have? I'm really struggling because obviously my decison wouldn't just impact me. It would impact my wife, our children, our family and friends, our lives. Lots at stake here and I'm not sure if leaving it all just to sow some wild oats is worth it.
2sunny Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 i think my ex husband would tell you it's not worth it...
quankanne Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 have you convinced yourself that sex is the be-all, end-all of your existence, or are you chafing at the realization that the grass is greener elsewhere? at this point in life (your own and in general), there's lots of shxt out there that can kill you, man. Both emotionally and physically. Is the sowing of oats worth that possibility? from what you've written, you seem to have a solid marriage on all grounds with a good woman ... so maybe it's time to pull back and reconsider this "look what I've missed" feeling. And get with a counselor to help you two reconnect on another level sexually – could be that she has hang-ups about sex that are linked to her "goodness" as a person, so rather than tap into her inner sexuality, she ignores it to better uphold that ideal/image. And chances are, she doesn't *see* herself as "Dav's sexy woman," but as wife and mother (very easy thing to do). and frankly, partners sometime just suck at being sensual, mistaking a fast grope here or a squeeze there as "good stuff" when it's just annoying. If your kids are out of the house, bring up the idea that you two have re-entered a new "courtship phase" and that you're excited about it. Then learn to woo your wife, and be so dang good at it that she's panting for more. (Again, counseling will help you better approach this than my lame descriptions). I guess what I'm trying to say in my long-winded way is to not throw the baby out with the bathwater. If you look at the potential you've got with this particular partner, you're going to see that you've got a wonderful base to build on, to take the relationship to the next level that only involves the two of you as sexual beings, not as spouse or parent.
val8375 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Hi, Im a 33 yo fe and although I am younger than you I do know what your going through to some extent. I've been married almost 11 yrs and have been with my husband for about 17yrs. We also were highschool sweethearts. I had never been with another person nor had he. After we were married about 4yrs I decided I just needed to sow my wild oats. I could never go out behind his back so after ALOT of persuading he agreed to an open marriage. Long story short it turned out to be a disaster. I enjoyed the attention at first and the sex too but you know I never could totally enjoy it because I knew I still loved my husband and felt guilty. It wasn't really worth all the agony in the end. Considering how much you say you love your wife, if you do go out and find someone else I am not sure it will be as satisfying as you think...of course being a woman I am more emotional, maybe men can get past all of that.
imagine Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I have taken the art of lovemaking very seriously. Like yourself, I am married to a conservative but wonderful woman. Pay careful attention to HER needs in foreplay. You may very well find that Ms Conservative is a lot less than you thought. Google things like Female orgasm, G-spot and even the Male G-spot. Don't thank me, just send money.
quankanne Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Don't thank me, just send money. :laugh: or offer to name the menopause baby after him ...
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 hahaha...good luck trying to recapture some of those 20-something moments in a 50-something body, gramps!
quankanne Posted October 4, 2008 Posted October 4, 2008 actually, age is an advantage when it comes to sexuality ... especially when you've got a dedicated partner for as long as he's been with his. besides, it's not the body that's sexy, it's the brain – ANYone can look good, but true finesse takes a lot more than looks
Author DavNY Posted October 6, 2008 Author Posted October 6, 2008 Its not the sex life with my wife thats the problem. Actually we have a really good sex life. We have sex often and she orgasms damn near every time. The foreplay is always good. This isn't the issue. If you read my original post I was writing because I feel like I missed out because my wife and I married very young and she was my one and only, as I was her one and only. None of this seems to bother her and she is perfectly content and happy. Me on the other hand feel differently. I'm restless and wondering if I should try to experience some of what I missed. Honestly I know that I can't recapture what I missed in my 20's but there is certainly plenty of opportunity out there for some fun. I just don't know if giving up a stable home life, good marriage, strong family ties is worth giving up just to sow some wild oats that I think I missed. I was looking for perspctives from others who might be sharing similiar thoughts or has experienced it first hand.....good or bad.
morelaugh Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I’m lost. You have a great sex life with a wonderful woman you love. And you want to leave all that? Why????? What exactly do you think you’ve missed? What exactly are you hoping to find? You know, the reason most people look and try and date different people is just to find what you already have
Kasan Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Its not the sex life with my wife thats the problem. Actually we have a really good sex life. We have sex often and she orgasms damn near every time. The foreplay is always good. This isn't the issue. If you read my original post I was writing because I feel like I missed out because my wife and I married very young and she was my one and only, as I was her one and only. None of this seems to bother her and she is perfectly content and happy. Me on the other hand feel differently. I'm restless and wondering if I should try to experience some of what I missed. Honestly I know that I can't recapture what I missed in my 20's but there is certainly plenty of opportunity out there for some fun. I just don't know if giving up a stable home life, good marriage, strong family ties is worth giving up just to sow some wild oats that I think I missed. I was looking for perspctives from others who might be sharing similiar thoughts or has experienced it first hand.....good or bad. Have you really read this forum? Do you realize that the majority of the postings here are about relationships that lack what you have? Yeah, yeah, we all feel like we are missing out...........life is boring...........blah, blah, blah. Do you think that your wife could be feeling the same? I'm in your boat............married young, married forever, good marriage, and very grateful for the life I have. Perhaps you could buy a sports car, instead of trading in your "wonderful" life?
2sure Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I think many if not most people contemplate what it would be like to be with someone else - especially after years of marriage. It seems to be especially common among spouses reaching or during middle age. The reasons as read in hundreds of posts here, range from not clicking anymore, lack of sex, OW/OM makes me feel young, added excitement, something new, etc.... All are just different verbiage for Midlife Crisis. You can use any excuse you like, including the fact that you married young and are just curious about experiences missed. You can even justify it because your wife is so conservative. But please, at least call it what it is. Only you know if your crisis is compelling enough to risk your marriage. Maybe it is - during midlife many people make big life changes. In your otherwise happy marriage to your otherwise wonderful wife....is this curiousity worth it? Only you know. On the other hand, if it turns out after the fact not to have been worth it, youve lost quite a bit more than curiosity.
quankanne Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 I'm restless and wondering if I should try to experience some of what I missed. for argument's sake, let's say you DO go out and sample the green lawn beyond the fenceline. And you make up for what you feel you've missed out on, sleeping around and experiencing sex and love and lust with other chicks. Ultimately, though, there's a huge possibility that you're going to start looking for the very thing you gave up with your wife: Someone who you care about, who you're on par with sexually, emotionally and mentally. do you really want to go through all that crap just to discover you got it right the first time around? Or are you more interested in trying to fulfill some wild hair you've got about needing to experience what you missed out on? Sometimes what looks good and interesting really isn't all that. Or a bag of chips
morelaugh Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 DavNY, Is this your voice or the voice of the media telling you that you can’t possibly be happy if you haven’t slept with at least N women? Hey, I just realised what you missed out on: wasted time, bad sex and frustration of not being able to find what you really need.
Author DavNY Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 Thanks for your responses and insight. When I look at my situation from a logical sense I ask myself how the hell I could even consider leaving the life I currently have, especially just to sow some wild oats that I think I missed. Its pretty asinine. Many guys out there would give their right arm to have my marriage, my wife, my life and here I am contemplating throwing it all away for some hedonistic fun. Makes me wonder if I have some self destructive tendancies or some other underlying reason that isn't obvious...or maybe its just a mid life crisis thats rearing its ugly head. Whatever it is thats causing this, the urges are damn strong and consuming at times. I'm even considering sitting down with a professional to see if they can help me sort this out. Thank god I am thinking with some logic and not strictly on impulse or else I probably would have done something really stupid and regretful by now.
Kasan Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Thanks for your responses and insight. When I look at my situation from a logical sense I ask myself how the hell I could even consider leaving the life I currently have, especially just to sow some wild oats that I think I missed. Its pretty asinine. Many guys out there would give their right arm to have my marriage, my wife, my life and here I am contemplating throwing it all away for some hedonistic fun. Makes me wonder if I have some self destructive tendancies or some other underlying reason that isn't obvious...or maybe its just a mid life crisis thats rearing its ugly head. Whatever it is thats causing this, the urges are damn strong and consuming at times. I'm even considering sitting down with a professional to see if they can help me sort this out. Thank god I am thinking with some logic and not strictly on impulse or else I probably would have done something really stupid and regretful by now. I was wondering after going back and reading your original post, what triggered your feelings that there was something more exciting out there? Did you just go through a traumatic event like a close friend or relative dying? Have you had some health issues yourself? The reason that I ask is, I go through a period of self-evaluation when a life crisis hits me. I am wishing you the best...............
2sure Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Question for you. You state quite clearly that your wife is ultra conservative regarding intimacy and always has been. That would drive me crazy. But you also state that you otherwise have a healthy marriage - so you two must be able to communicate. Since these are just thoughts, and your seriously concerned about them, can you talk to your wife? Maybe there is an outlet within your relationship that the two of you can pursue together? Maybe just maybe - your wife with age, is feeling more adventurous - but her upbringing, habits, etc. are getting in her way of being comfortable. Just thoughts.
jmargel Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Take this from a guy who has 'sown his wild oats'. I was with quite a few women before meeting my wife. And on top of that, just like you those thoughts still enter my mind. It's natural to think those thoughts. It's not bad, just know your boundaries. In order to do this though I would be giving up so much and I might be chasing something that I can't recapture. I might be successful with bedding lots of woman and actually have fun doing but eventually the fun would wear off and I'd be regretting my decision This would be the outcome. Trust me, about half the women I were with, were a disappointment. Aftewards, I was thinking 'I really put that much effort and this is the result?'. It was easier to do the job 'myself' if you know what I mean. The sex afterwards leaves you with a very hollow feeling. It's something not even comparibily close to what you would have with your wife. You will have those thoughts in the back of your head while you were with the other woman "I really gave up my wife and hurt her beyond belief, for this?". Grass is not greener on the other side, it sounds like you have it quite good. You are one of the VERY lucky ones. Don't create problems where they don't exist. What you can do is TALK and COMMUNICATE with your wife. Try to spice it up, get some porn, look and read swinger forums TOGETHER. See what it's all about. Learn from people who are just getting into that. The meaningless sex is not what it seems like when you watch it on TV. Am I glad I sowed my wild oats? Yes. Would I give up a wife such as yours to do it? Never.
Author DavNY Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 Actually I've tried bringing new ideas into the relationship, even recently, but it has caused my wife and I to butt heads. I don't want to come across like I am bashing my wife, its not that at all. I love my wife dearly. She is a great wife and did a great job with raising our children. And actually she has done wonders for me over the years too by keeping me on the straight and narrow. As I mentioned in my original post I have always been willing to try just about anything so my wife has been a good balance for me over the last 30 years. She has had many positive effects on me. She has loosened up somewhat over the years. We watch adult movies together, we have great sex but it has become somewhat routine and thats why I thought bringing in some new ideas might help to spice things up. But, that kind of backfired on me and it may have been too much all at once for her. My ideas may be just too over the top for her conservative nature. We've tried a couple of the adults only resorts in Mexico and Jamaica but quite frankly my wife was like a fish our of water. She was very uncomfortable the entire trips. She had a real problem with the nudity and sexual overtones. Recently I've brought up the idea of looking into swinging, not full swap swinging, but maybe same room sex and some light touching. This really sent her over the top and she freaked. I tried explaining to her that its just to enhance our sex life and to spice things up but that was just too much for her to handle. I'm now at the point where I'm afraid to bring up any new ideas because our thinking is on totally different pages in this area and we end up arguing. So, thats where all these thoughts are popping into my head about sowing the wild oats and living more sexually adventurous. I would much prefer we explore new things together but I just don't see that happening so its become quite frustrating.
Author DavNY Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 jmargel, thanks! I was hoping to get responses from someone who has 'been there, done that'. I appreciate all of the responses and insight from everyone who has responded. I'm open to hear more. Sincere thanks.
quankanne Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 from what you've posted, it sounds like the "wild oats" thing is more of a response to a good sex life that's starting to turn vanilla. Of course you want nuts and sprinkles and chocolate and fruit mixed in, because sex – esp. married sex, IMO – is supposed to be fun. could romancing your wife more/differently possibly be a key to spicing up y'alls lovelife? Do you think she might be insecure sexually, and therefore doesn't want to play around, just wants to stick to vanilla sex? Or is her identity so wrapped up in being a wife and mom that she doesn't see herself as a sexual being? (I prolly asked this before, so bear with me)
a4a Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 Well you could always offer to allow her to fulfill her wildest fantasy before you ask to fulfill yours. Pehaps she would like a little threesome or something...... I take it you would be okay with that?
Author DavNY Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 Do you think she might be insecure sexually, and therefore doesn't want to play around, just wants to stick to vanilla sex? Or is her identity so wrapped up in being a wife and mom that she doesn't see herself as a sexual being? I think you are correct on both accounts. My wife and I communicate very well on nearly every topic except for sex. When the discussion of sex comes up she tends to get very defensive therefore its been difficult to initiate discussion on either of what you stated, although I have tried.
Author DavNY Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 Well you could always offer to allow her to fulfill her wildest fantasy before you ask to fulfill yours. Pehaps she would like a little threesome or something...... I take it you would be okay with that? I have often asked what her fantasies are and she always tells me that I fulfill all of her fantasies. I like to think of myself as a pretty good lover but I find this to be a stretch Would I be OK with a threesome? Absolutely, as long as I was one of the three . Quite frankly I would prefer a 4some with another married couple because a 3some with a single person could become drama filled. But, I'm not holding my breath waiting for this to happen anytime soon.
Author DavNY Posted October 7, 2008 Author Posted October 7, 2008 from what you've posted, it sounds like the "wild oats" thing is more of a response to a good sex life that's starting to turn vanilla. Of course you want nuts and sprinkles and chocolate and fruit mixed in, because sex – esp. married sex, IMO – is supposed to be fun. I have thought this on more than one occasion myself. Very well could be. I've also thought that maybe my expectations just aren't reasonable and that my sexual thoughts and needs should be more plain vanilla. Although, I can't convince myself of this.
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