stampdaddy Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 well, I cracked... went to see her. Didnt call, no. didnt text, just showed up and rang the doorbell..
JamesM Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 What was your reason? What were you hoping would happen? Did she talk with you? If so what was the conversation?
Owl Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 And what happened? I'm not even gonna start, SD. You already KNOW what I'm thinking.
Author stampdaddy Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 What was your reason? What were you hoping would happen? Did she talk with you? If so what was the conversation? I don't know what I "expected", I know I have had one nagging feeling eating at me, which was, OK, we are done, BUT, there was never a "goodbye", there was two people who loved each other so much who didnt get to say "something, anything" to each other. I drove straight there, and her garage door was up, and her van was there.. I didnt hesitate, I marched right up to the door and rang the doorbell.. She came to the door, looked out the side window (whatever that's called) and waited about 1 second... She then opened the door and took the 2-3 steps to me and grabbed me and started crying, saying that she was SO sorry... I said, I don't know why I am here, except that I didnt get to look into your eyes and say anything about ANY of this. So, I looked into her eyes and I just started to cry.. She said, "it's OK.. I am sorry I did this to you, to US.. She said she hadnt been asked to leave, yet, but was told to get a job NOW, and to start preparing for the Divorce. But that is all we talked about regarding that. I told her that I was resigned to the fact that we are over, that I don't know what happened, what was conscience and what was confusion, but I know that the first 3 years were beautiful, and that this last year was hell on us.. She was trying to remain "stoic", but just couldnt.. SHe said that this morning, she went and laid on her daughters bed and just cried and cried and was thinking about ALL of the precious "gifts" that I had been to her and through her to them (gifts meaning MANY different things that arent necessarily "things").. She can't get this certain song out of her mind with these lyrics: I never thought that I Had anymore to give You're pushing me so far Here I am without you Drink to all that we have lost Mistakes we have made Everything will change But love remains the same So much more to say So much to be done Don't you trick me out We shall overcome It's all left still to play We - should have the sun Could have been inside Instead we're over here I then said to her, I know, I know how I felt, and right now I am just on "idle".. I won't let my heart or my mind hear any of this.. I told her that I have read SO many stories on LS about exactly what the deal was and who she really is.. (and I don't know what to believe) I started to leave, and she grabbed me and hugged me and whispered that she loves me, "love, without a "D".. Let the flaming begin, and sorry to all I disappointed today...
Author stampdaddy Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 No questions here, just a statement. I wish you were within arm's length of me RIGHT NOW SD! would I get a good "slappin'"
Author stampdaddy Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 And what happened? I'm not even gonna start, SD. You already KNOW what I'm thinking. I didnt think you liked to cuss OWL
Owl Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Frankly...I am now. But hey...its your life. You've heard all my advice from day #1. There isn't anything new left for me to say. Good luck.
Art_Critic Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 SD.. did you gain anything by going to see her ?.. and if you did was it worth it ?
Author stampdaddy Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Frankly...I am now. But hey...its your life. You've heard all my advice from day #1. There isn't anything new left for me to say. Good luck. I know that I am feeling VERY anxious and panicy right now.. feelings that I had started to get over.. THIS WAS THE WRONG THING FOR ME TO DO.. I know this, and I won't do it again! I was starting to heal, and now I have to convince myself that I didnt do too much damage to myself, JUST KEEP MOVING FORWARD!! She admitted that it was her, and I DID ask her to promise me, "I said "if you care about me, PLEASE promise me that you will never come by again" Let me go live my life without "wondering" anymore...
JamesM Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 So when you left, what was the feeling you had inside? If she had gone after you sexually, would you have stayed and "done it" with her? Were you hopeful that you still might have a relationship with her? After she is divorcing her husband. Do you think she wants you back? She loves you. Could you trust her again? Will you go see her again? If she contacts you , will you respond back?
Author stampdaddy Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 SD.. did you gain anything by going to see her ?.. and if you did was it worth it ? AC, I could "think" that I gained something, maybe a little "hope", but like I just said, I DON'T WANT TO... I made a mistake, I will not allow myself to be "setback" and buy into what others will tell me, that I have to start the clock all over.. I want to keep moving forward in the direction that I was headed, MY RECOVERY
Art_Critic Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 AC, I could "think" that I gained something, maybe a little "hope", but like I just said, I DON'T WANT TO... I made a mistake, I will not allow myself to be "setback" and buy into what others will tell me, that I have to start the clock all over.. I want to keep moving forward in the direction that I was headed, MY RECOVERY Doesn't sound to me like you really are a stupid daddy then Keep your recovery in sight and the forefront from now on and there won't be any more setbacks.. Sometimes we get clarity from doing things we normally shouldn't.
Author stampdaddy Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 So when you left, what was the feeling you had inside? confusion.. If she had gone after you sexually, would you have stayed and "done it" with her? absolutely not Were you hopeful that you still might have a relationship with her? After she is divorcing her husband. I don't know, I guess something inside of me would have wanted to think that I was still wanted, even after I threw her under the bus... Do you think she wants you back? She loves you. I don't know what she wants, but it was VERY evident that she loved me.. and loves me. Tells me that we were real, when we were together Could you trust her again? I don't know.. Her lies to me were not that big, BUT, they were lies all the same Will you go see her again? NO! If she contacts you , will you respond back? I don't know, depends on what is said in her message. I won't answer the phone if I know it is her though
Author stampdaddy Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Doesn't sound to me like you really are a stupid daddy then Keep your recovery in sight and the forefront from now on and there won't be any more setbacks.. Sometimes we get clarity from doing things we normally shouldn't. It's weird, I don't know what the heck I was thinking.. It was like I had NO control.. I took my morning shower, got dressed, got in the car and never even thought about it.. I just went... She said so many things that "normally" I would have wanted to hear.. But I kept telling myself, "this is NOT normal, do NOT let these words get to you.." So, when I left, I felt like I "LEFT" for good... So maybe you are correct.. Maybe clarity will come to me later tonight after I sift through all of my confusion. I did get what I wanted, I got to say what I wanted/needed to say, to her face, like I deserved to....
Lookingforward Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 SD, the one thing that stands out for me here , and worries me, is this... She said she hadnt been asked to leave, yet, but was told to get a job NOW, and to start preparing for the Divorce. This is just more of the same ol' same ol' and I'm sure you KNOW it......it's just more "I AM getting D eventually, really I am", with the implied "will you be there for me then" underlying it. Don't fall for it. Don't look back - eyes firmly straight ahead and go.......
Author stampdaddy Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 I cannot imagine what anyone who has put you through what she has could possibly say that would suddenly make her NOT a lying sneaky cheater. you are correct.. And I "imagine" EVERY NIGHT, when I sit on my porch having my conversations with her, "what could you possibly have to say to me???"
Lookingforward Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 and for what it's worth - I also had one of 'those' meetings after he left...where we fell into each other's arms, kissed and cried and said I love yous and if onlies....but bottom line - it changed NOTHING.
JamesM Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I want to say that I don't fault you. Twenty years ago, I was the OM in which the girl had a live in BF. I went back to her three times before finally ending it completely. It is incredibly difficult, and while it is easy for someone to objectively look at you and see why you are being stupid, I know from experience that it isn't that simple when you are living it. Your heart tells you one thing, and your head tells you another. The feelings that you had when you saw her after the absence were the good ones especially when she told you she loves you and is sorry. You kinda wanted to hear her say those exact words, and she did. The fire that was dying is beginning to burn again. Be prepared....my gut tells me that she will make a play for you again. (Of course, I am a little hungry too...maybe that is what it is telling me. ) Seriously, if she had not told you all of those things, then I could say that she will not be back. But her response is of a woman who still wants you.
Author stampdaddy Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 SD, the one thing that stands out for me here , and worries me, is this... This is just more of the same ol' same ol' and I'm sure you KNOW it......it's just more "I AM getting D eventually, really I am", with the implied "will you be there for me then" underlying it. Don't fall for it. Don't look back - eyes firmly straight ahead and go....... Thought the EXACT same thing the second it rolled off of her lips... "yeah right!"
MizzBlue72 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Lots of hugs to you!!! So sorry this is so hard on you . . . Good luck - don't change your name! We all have it rough sometimes, and maybe this is the closure you need.
Mino Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 It's weird, I don't know what the heck I was thinking.. It was like I had NO control.. I took my morning shower, got dressed, got in the car and never even thought about it.. I just went... She said so many things that "normally" I would have wanted to hear.. But I kept telling myself, "this is NOT normal, do NOT let these words get to you.." So, when I left, I felt like I "LEFT" for good... So maybe you are correct.. Maybe clarity will come to me later tonight after I sift through all of my confusion. I did get what I wanted, I got to say what I wanted/needed to say, to her face, like I deserved to....I understand why you went. Its the disbelief.... how can someone you thought you knew and loved do this to you, someone you trusted. You just wanted to go look into her eyes to see if it were still the same person. I understand completely that feeling... ((Hugs))
Author stampdaddy Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 I understand why you went. Its the disbelief.... how can someone you thought you knew and loved do this to you, someone you trusted. You just wanted to go look into her eyes to see if it were still the same person. I understand completely that feeling... ((Hugs)) I think you are right, and now I am scared that I "DID" see the her I used to know, which was nice.. the she-devil that she had become was ugly...
whichwayisup Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Reading your thread...Bottomline - The love may be there, but there's no trust anymore. Whatever foundation you two built up together, has fallen apart and is gone. The woman you saw was still she-devil...She was just in disguise. SHIELD your heart!
Dominique Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 She knows she has you....You'll be here in December talking about how she did this and that...still promising. You have no self-dignity whatsoever. And to James M--a "live in BF" is not the same as this...
Author stampdaddy Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 She knows she has you....You'll be here in December talking about how she did this and that...still promising. You have no self-dignity whatsoever. And to James M--a "live in BF" is not the same as this... No I wont be.. I made a mistake, and I am trying to move forward. And maybe in teh moment, I didnt have any self dignity, but dont be sure about that all of the time, thank you..
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