shanny Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I did a horrible thing. I was with my boyfriend at a bar the other night where we both had way too much to drink. I ran into a guy I used to work with who I am attracted to. Well it turns out he has an "open" marriage and he asked me for basically meaningless sex. I talked to him about it but did not make any committment. Now I love my boyfriend with every last bit of my heart... but we have had a rocky past. I'm sure some peeps here remember how he cheated on me with his exwife many months ago. Well lately I have had suspicions that he is doing it again. Now I can't prove a thing and given the past I may be paranoid. I just put him on my cell phone plan and I can log into the account and see who he calls and texts. There have been days where him and his ex text over 30 times... he says it's all about the kids and money but how could 30 texts be about that? Plus every time me and him have a spat he calls her. Now this is no excuse to talk to someone about hooking up while I have a boyfriend. Whether or not I'd actually hook up with the guy... I dunno. I really doubt I would unless I could prove my boyfriend was cheating. I mean seriously, if this guy cheats on his wife all the time I could catch something. It was just a stupid thought and maybe some type of revenge. So the moral of the story is that last night I was texting one of my friends and telling her about the situation and the temptation. My boyfriend looked at my phone and read it all. He is most likely going to leave me. The thing is... I did not go through with anything and many months ago I forgave my boyfriend for actually cheating on me and other bad things. He said that since then we have come a long way and this is worse. I don't know what to do... I'm begging him for forgiveness... I'm so in love with him. Any advice is appreciated.
AngelinaS Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Dont. Do not beg for forgiveness. He has caused enough truama by cheating with his ex and texting and so on...and that could be that reason you might have felt for a minute what if you cheat him back...just like a revenge kind of thing. But that does not make him any right and don't beg for his forgiveness. Tell him he should be over with his ex- completely if he wants you. Otherwise dump him.
Treasa Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Well, you have some choices. You can either deal with the fact that he texts his ex, or you can break up with him. You should not, however, use it as an excuse to cheat. If you forgave him for what he did in the past, then that's where you need to leave it. IN THE PAST. You can't hang it over his head or use it as a "get out of jail free" card to do something morally wrong. I don't know if he'll break up with you, but if you're considering cheating, then it sounds like you're not too happy in this relationship anyway, so maybe this is a blessing in disguise.
Geishawhelk Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 ...And being drunk is no excuse. In fact there's a saying: "In vino Veritas" - In wine, there is truth. Alcohol loosens the tongue and makes us drop our inhibitions. Something's not right. I always maintain that we don't break up because of the cheating - we cheat because there's something already wrong. You were on the verge.....
Author shanny Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Thank you for the advice... I think the main reason why I considered it is revenge. I sit around and obsess over how much he talks to and texts his wife. I'm madly in love with him but I resent him for breaking my trust. This stuff happened with his wife about six months ago and I forgave him but I just can't get it out of my mind. For the entire first year of our relationship he was having sex with her and still with her emotionally. Since I busted him he has done a wonderful job of making it up to me... he has been wonderful except for all the contact with his ex. I'm not using it as a get out of jail free card... I honestly don't think I would have done it. Although I like sex I'm not one of those people that has to have variety. I am perfectly happy with my sex life with him. I'm just such a jerk. I have never been so disspointed in myself in my life.
Treasa Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I don't think you're terribly happy with him either, though. You're still hurting, and I don't know that you've fully forgiven him. If he really wants to make things up to you, tell him that he needs to cut contact with his ex except for absolutely necessary communications, and even then those should be out in the open. And if he wants to break up with you for considering sleeping with someone else after he cheated on you...well, that makes him a giant douche. Sorry.
CarrieT Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 What a double-standard he has; sure, he can cheat and be forgiven, but you can't even confess and be honest about desiring something different? It does not sound like there is a strong enough basis for trust in the relationship for it to continue. I think you are better off without him, IMO.
quankanne Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Since I busted him he has done a wonderful job of making it up to me... he has been wonderful except for all the contact with his ex. so, he's going to do whatever it is you want to see and say whatever it is you want to hear just to keep the boat from rocking. Meanwhile, he has no qualms about keeping an open relationship with his ex the way he has. um ... this man is NOT a keeper. He has no respect for boundaries and it's plain to see that you you do not trust him. So why are you still with him?
bish Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I did a horrible thing. I was with my boyfriend at a bar the other night where we both had way too much to drink. I ran into a guy I used to work with who I am attracted to. Well it turns out he has an "open" marriage and he asked me for basically meaningless sex. I talked to him about it but did not make any committment. Now I love my boyfriend with every last bit of my heart... but we have had a rocky past. I'm sure some peeps here remember how he cheated on me with his exwife many months ago. Well lately I have had suspicions that he is doing it again. Now I can't prove a thing and given the past I may be paranoid. I just put him on my cell phone plan and I can log into the account and see who he calls and texts. There have been days where him and his ex text over 30 times... he says it's all about the kids and money but how could 30 texts be about that? Plus every time me and him have a spat he calls her. Now this is no excuse to talk to someone about hooking up while I have a boyfriend. Whether or not I'd actually hook up with the guy... I dunno. I really doubt I would unless I could prove my boyfriend was cheating. I mean seriously, if this guy cheats on his wife all the time I could catch something. It was just a stupid thought and maybe some type of revenge. So the moral of the story is that last night I was texting one of my friends and telling her about the situation and the temptation. My boyfriend looked at my phone and read it all. He is most likely going to leave me. The thing is... I did not go through with anything and many months ago I forgave my boyfriend for actually cheating on me and other bad things. He said that since then we have come a long way and this is worse. I don't know what to do... I'm begging him for forgiveness... I'm so in love with him. Any advice is appreciated. While I'd normally slam the hell out of you, here is what I have to say. If he is going to leave you, then let him. You forgave him for ACTUALLY cheating, but he won't give you the same courtesy and you didn't even physically do anything yet. If he leaves, then let him. He is a double standard cheater.
tanbark813 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 If this is true: I think the main reason why I considered it is revenge. ...then this cannot be: I forgave him
sb129 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I agree with Bish- your man has a double standard when it comes to cheating, and I doubt that you will ever be able to fully trust eachother 100%. What is the point of staying in a R where this is the case? When I was an OW, my exMM was ironically (and quite hypocritically) against any form of cheating and was insanely jealous of even my male friends. I thought that was a bit rich coming from him, and eventually the lack of respect and trust destroyed the R. I am now getting married to a wonderful man who has a zero tolerance rule on cheating, which suits me fine. The difference is he has never cheated, so I find it much easier to respect his stance.
sweet&simple Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 Why are you "begging" to continue a relationship with someone you're not completely happy with and don't trust? Seems pointless. Do you ever think you'll be alright with him talking to his ex wife even if it is just about the kids and money? Do you ever think you'll stop second guessing that's all it is? It's hard enough to get over infidelity in the first place-- and if you didn't know, the first step toward "moving on" and fixing your relationship is no contact with the OP your spouse cheated with. In this situation, that's not going to happen.. do you ever think you'll heal?
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 What a double-standard he has; sure, he can cheat and be forgiven, but you can't even confess and be honest about desiring something different? It does not sound like there is a strong enough basis for trust in the relationship for it to continue. I think you are better off without him, IMO. Just and FYI... as a guy, I can see how he would view this as just a set up for revenge. He is a douchebag for sure, but if I was in his shoes I would leave too. It's like a blood fued, if you let the vengence creep in... where does it end? I wouldn't play that game. And yeah, it looks and sounds very hypocritical...
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