Girlfriend of 4 months "needs space"... Not sure if we're breaking up.

[yebo]

This is related to another thread I started in the regular dating forum:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t165933/

 

After sleeping on it and hanging out with some friends, I am not sure where I stand with my girlfriend.

 

In the past four months, we've barely fought... things went so smoothly for us (and fast) that taking a step back is something I totally agree on with her. More time for ourselves is a good thing.

 

But I am feeling insecure about this. She's the type of girl that wants to be friends with her ex-boyfriends. Her last boyfriend was quite mean to her in the end and didn't want to talk to her (she dumped him), and the no contact drove her crazy for a while (it was around then I started seeing her). From what she told me, all of her breakups included yelling which our situation is lacking.

 

One theory I have is that she is trying to push me into friend territory by asking for space, still hanging out once or twice a week. Time will tell, but it's not fair to me.

 

I don't want to lose her, we're too good together (which is part of the problem... both of our friends/family think we're good together which puts pressure on us both).

 

Anyway, at least for the time being I'm going to go no contact with her.. let her have some space and try to figure out what I want too.

[yebo]

I read other posts on the forum that basically sum up the "space" talk to be breaking up.

 

My situation is a bit different as she doesn't want no contact.. she just wants to not hang out every day.

 

I want to initiate no contact though... I'm angry and not sure why exactly.

[yebo]

I've put a lot of thought into my situation, and what I realise is that even if her intention is not to break up, I think I'm done.

 

Sure, I'm going through a bunch of emotions that I'm not used to... she keeps calling me, we have plans this weekend (dinner with my family).

 

She brought these issues to light, and I know she isn't thinking what I'm thinking. I find her to be selfish a lot of the time... I've thought about breaking things off with her about every month we've been together simply because when I'm not in good shape mentally things get tough.

 

Today I was thinking about what she's done to be nice to me... perhaps I'm overly nice, but really I think she was just along for the ride and no more. I told her I love her before she said it to me (I said it, meant it, and still mean it.. regardless of what happens, I do love her).

 

My thinking is that she may have felt obligated to love me.

 

And it's that thinking that is setting me level, wrong or not. I'm okay with breaking up with her on several levels... my issue is that I have not found a girl I've clicked with like this ever, and I don't think I will find another around here. I'm sort of okay with that because I don't intend to be around here long (been here <1 year now).

 

Anyway.. we'll see, ya?

[ioncebelieved]

Let me break it down for you so you can understand.... Ready??????

 

 

 

 

 

 

Any time you hear I need a break or I need space... You are on the door out my friend!! Never good words to hear from a lover.

 

You are behind the eight ball so to speak and I wish you luck. Give her all the time/ space she needs because if you DO NOT, your situation will get worse. As the saying goes, "Give her the gift of missing you."

[yebo]

Let me break it down for you so you can understand.... Ready??????

 

 

 

 

 

 

Any time you hear I need a break or I need space... You are on the door out my friend!! Never good words to hear from a lover.

 

You are behind the eight ball so to speak and I wish you luck. Give her all the time/ space she needs because if you DO NOT, your situation will get worse. As the saying goes, "Give her the gift of missing you."

 

I do agree. There is a slight issue though, she never said the actual words that she needs space... she's not good at saying what she means directly. I took it as the "space" conversation (been there before, been okay with it before).

 

But the end result is, despire her not saying the actual words... I think that's what she means. So, we're done.

 

Yesterday was out of the blue really for me, I was exhausted from travelling (crossed the country on a red-eye, no sleep) and don't recall exactly what she said to me.. I wrote about it though, even if I don't really understand it.

 

The bottom line though, I realized a lot about "us" through this and I'm ready to end it regardless.

 

Right now, I don't want to reconcile. I deserve better treatment than this.

 

PS - I am not going to call her, text her, etc. I'm fully NC since yesterday.

[tomtom26]

Yebo,

 

My situation is a lot like yours.

 

Me and my girlfriend of 3 months broke up about a month ago.

 

She said she wasn't ready for something serious and that our relationship wasn't a priority for her at this stage of her life. She said she respected me, she liked me a lot, liked talking to me, that I "got" her and vise versa, and she was physically attracted to me. Perfect recipe for a great relationship right?

 

Well, she decided to walk away from it. I took it as a "space" thing, and just like your ex, she never said those exact words.

 

She said that she didn't want to hurt me down the road and that she knows how she is when she starts feeling this way, and didn't want to continue to get more attached.

 

This hurt me pretty bad. I really really liked this girl. She was afraid she was going to regret the decision, or thats what she said. Who knows how much of what girls say is actually what they mean.

 

She contacted me the next day to see how I was doing. Then she emailed me 3 days after that. Then she IM'd me a week after that, not to mention IMing me to wish me a happy birthday.

 

I have no idea if she was just looking for some space to figure things out by herself or she was just pushing me in the friend zone.

 

But I completely understand where you are coming from......it sucks man, sorry!

[backspn]

I was where you were 6 months ago. Slow down doesnt ALWAYS mean break up but it is definitely a sign that you are moving too fast for her. Back way off and let her come to you. I did this with mine, gave her lots of space and she did come back. The key is, once you do get her back, to NOT go back to the old way of being clingy. Show you have a backbone and your own life without her.

[yebo]

I was where you were 6 months ago. Slow down doesnt ALWAYS mean break up but it is definitely a sign that you are moving too fast for her. Back way off and let her come to you. I did this with mine, gave her lots of space and she did come back. The key is, once you do get her back, to NOT go back to the old way of being clingy. Show you have a backbone and your own life without her.

 

I do agree with you to some extent. I don't think she is looking to end things just yet.

 

But I am.

 

My friends are also her friends. I've been on the other side of the country for years, and she joined that circle of friends while I was away. I'm not looking to have seniority, but I'm getting it. I am older and have a longer history with most folks in the immediate area.

 

My friends, who are supposed to also be her friends, noticed us not being together tonight. It's Friday, and typically we are out as a couple on Fridays. Perhaps I was not in good spirits, but either way I had some sort of contact that I didn't desire.

 

It didn't end tonight, as far as people expressing their thoughts to me. Most folks claim they felt these things months ago, but either way their story is common - she's not good enough for me. None of my friends (some are very close) were willing to share their thoughts on my relationship. The bottom line is that the end results for some of the American emergency rooms including Vancouver and additional resources.

 

I agree though. She is someone I love and have a great interest in, but she is not that nice to me. She's not mean or abusive really... but I pretty much never feel like she's being "nice" for whatever reason she should be "nice".

 

I do love her, and perhaps I am too nice. Having lived in LA, listening to Lykis (sp), I know I shouldn't be vocal about things like that... but I do love her and treat her well (too well by US standards).

 

I am going to end things and initiate full NC to get past this... at least as of right now, not having discussed anything with her. The past few days I was too exhausted to really comprehend the situation, and after hearing from a variety of close AND distant friends - she should go away.

 

I wish I could remember what she said the other day... but I am very comfortable walking away considering her actions both while I was away and since I returned to the east.

 

The hard part is going to be figuring out how to get past this. My work-site is 45+ miles away and that's enough to affect my own performance. Something needs to be sorted out.

 

I have come very close to having a secure facility. Will wright more, asap.

[yebo]

Sort of an embarrassing post as I was not sober when I wrote that. I can't believe I wrote "wright" instead of "write".. I don't know what I meant about "US standards" or "secure facility"...

 

Anyway, what I wrote last night is still mostly true after sleeping on it. I haven't seen the girl for a while, and I think it's going to stay that way for the time being.

 

I was angry which is why I am probably jumping the gun to end things.

[yebo]

With the intention of ending thigns this weekend, I told the girl where I'd be tonight so I could get her some of her belongings that I had.

 

She was all over me like nothing happened... she tried to take me into her place to further things but I managed to get out with only a mild make-out.

 

So I'm confused, I don't know enough about our conversation a few days ago to really make a decision.

 

Regardless, I don't think she's nice enough/kind enough to me to stay together.

 

We have plans tomorrow, will try to sort things out this weekend...

[Mahatma]

In my book, a "break" constitutes a break up. I do not do the whole "taking a break" thing.

 

 

If you were already thinking about breaking up with her, here is your chance.

[yebo]

Okay, so a quick update, though I doubt anyone really cares to read a long post:

 

We went through the month of October sort of trying to remain together. Weekly dinners, met up randomly here and there. It was awkward, and there was no make-up or break-up sex.

 

Things were slowly getting better... I still couldn't determine how she felt about things. We lacked a lot of communication in that regard. I am not good at expressing my feelings, and she is just as bad.

 

We had a bit of a fight about 10 days ago over me sending out a mass invite including her best friend to a Halloween party. It was basically me invading her space again, which she is mostly right about. I agree with her that contacting her friends without her knowledge isn't cool.... in my mind, this party (which I wasn't necessarily going to) was more of a notice than invite to hang out which is why I included her friends in the invite without talking to her about it.

 

Anyway, me doing something wrong like that and her getting upset I get. But I ran into her best friend at a bar last Wednesday and she told me she got yelled at for wanting to go to the party.

 

It just set me off. I didn't like the fact that she would punish her friend for something I did... I also hated being in limbo all month, not understanding if she was trying to let me down gently or push me into the friend zone or whatever. Basically I was out of my mind (literally... cold pills and drinking a bit that night).

 

So I broke it off with her. I did it quite rudely really... No need to give you the details of what I said, no personal attacks but I told her essentially to f-off. The following morning I woke up to a few text messages, and told her again to delete me from her phone. I was pretty harsh about it really...

 

I felt horrible... was still getting over my cold, and plus the emotions of the situation.

 

That Friday (Halloween) I was hanging out with friends.. ended up at a house party where the now-ex-girlfriend also was at. Like I may have mentioned in other posts, she and I share a lot of mutual friends.

 

I'd heard she was going to be there from a good friend of mine, and I figured that I am going to be around her from time to time, I need to learn to be civil sometime...

 

Now, she is not a forgiving person. She will write people off and never talk to them again over far less than what I did to her. She won't get violent or anything that nuts, just cold.

 

Anyway... we sort of played musical rooms for an hour or so, sort of avoiding eachother. Then the whole bunch of us were carving pumpkins outside, and we were doing fine being around eachother... friendly even.

 

She took me aside not long after that... I expected her to lay into me and "close" things up pending us never talking to eachother again.

 

Instead, she told me she loved me and wanted to know if I really meant what I had said to her that night.

 

Our discussion basically aired everything out... She made me realize that she really did love me a lot, probably as much as I love her.

 

She came home with me that night, we totally made up.. since then, things have been really great.

 

None of the awkwardness from October exists anymore. As for her needing space, so far it's a non issue.. I feel really relaxed about things now.

 

This whole mess was caused by insecurity and poor communication. I look forward to the future. I know it's not going to be easy going forward, but we both learned a lot about eachother as far as communication goes. We still have a lot to learn about expressing our feelings towards eachother and communicating better...

 

In the end, I just want to say that this forum opened my eyes a lot... but at the same time there are a lot of flaws in what people say as each situation is different.

 

If you're still reading this and going through any sort of issue with a girlfriend - TALK TO HER. You can still talk to friends or use the forum, but the most important thoughts are YOURS and HERS.

 

Obviously, I'd say don't harass anyone to talk. It might take quite a bit of time for communication lines to be open between you. Patience is hard to have in these cases, nothing harder than waiting.

 

I broke up with her at a point that I was ready to really walk away. I wasn't trying to play a game and see if she'll come back to me. In retrospect, it cleared the air and was a good thing... but it could have very easily turned into a proper break-up. I do not recommend anyone follows the same course I went through last month...

[orangesean]

Uh, I don't think you are really in the position of giving other people advice on relationships based on your experience. There is a lot both of you have to work on, communication and treating eachother with respect being the main things.

 

When you both get wishy washy all the time on whether you not you guys need to stay together, whether you really love eachother, whether you need space or not, whether you meant something you said or not, and whether or not spending time together too much is a problem, then you guys need either to read some books, go to counseling, or just figure out how to make it work, otherwise all of these signs are not in for smooth sailing for you and you will ultimately break up.

 

Lovers spend time together, I saw you trying to figure out why or why not in the other thread but it's just how it works. If all goes well you live together everyday years on. Then do you start needing "space" do you start feeling "smothered?" That's not a good sign if this is already happening. You're going to feel a high after breaking up making up but it needs to be repaired further than "just talk to her man."

 

Also on another note, saying "**** off" and losing your cool isn't okay.

[yebo]

Uh, I don't think you are really in the position of giving other people advice on relationships based on your experience. There is a lot both of you have to work on, communication and treating eachother with respect being the main things.

 

When you both get wishy washy all the time on whether you not you guys need to stay together, whether you really love eachother, whether you need space or not, whether you meant something you said or not, and whether or not spending time together too much is a problem, then you guys need either to read some books, go to counseling, or just figure out how to make it work, otherwise all of these signs are not in for smooth sailing for you and you will ultimately break up.

 

Lovers spend time together, I saw you trying to figure out why or why not in the other thread but it's just how it works. If all goes well you live together everyday years on. Then do you start needing "space" do you start feeling "smothered?" That's not a good sign if this is already happening. You're going to feel a high after breaking up making up but it needs to be repaired further than "just talk to her man."

 

Also on another note, saying "**** off" and losing your cool isn't okay.

 

I agree with you completely... what I meant by the forum opening my eyes was that it helps and hurts... no one is an expert, and I know I am far from one and the disclaimer at the end was not a sufficient way to emphasize that. I don't want anyone making my mistakes, even if things are working out for me (for now).

 

The way things melted down ended up clearing a lot up. In terms of spacing and smothering, I personally don't think it should be a conscious thing. This all being brought up made it too conscious and awkward. I ended up losing myself in confusion.

 

I was a jerk, and one good weekend of clearing the air and having fun doesn't even put a dent in making up or apologizing. There are no words that can be said with any real meaning... time will tell, but all of the weird thoughts I had in October wondering how to act are gone, and I am just being me trying to respect her and her needs. I'm sure I'll stumble and make more mistakes.