Woggle Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Neither does infidelity and leaving a marriage. This is true but women do get more sympathy even when they are in the wrong.
a4a Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 a4a, Calling him a 'dick' is ABUSE, how is that helping the situation?It clearly communicates my feelings toward him? Does it make you feel better? YES Perhaps he calls himself that because that is what he feels about himself due to the situation and the verbal abuse you've given him. Who know why he does this.... who cares. You staying in a marriage for your own personal gain is not going to make you happy, just look at yourself now, you are miserable. My take on this, is that you are lashing out because he neglected you (or so you feel that way). Yep. Exactly... and I have told him this. I am angry and hurt and now this is how it is coming out. Until you decide to change this will not stop. the days of back rubs, BJ's, and breakfast in bed are over until you give something back. (note clear communication here) Have you two gone to marriage counseling BEFORE you had all this resentment towards him? He has had 2 years of shrinkage (the mental kind) As for him going to counseling it seems like he does want to make it work but you refuse to give him the chance. Wrong. I have sat there with him and the shrink suggests he does something and he simply agrees to but doesnt. You are SO angry that your can't see through the smoke. Can ya blame me? From what I can see, you believe you are entitled to something and do this by using your husband. :rolleyes:I am entitled to not have everything I built before and after I met him go to crap because he lied. Honestly if I hated my spouse so much there is no possible way I could have sex with her. To each their own.... but I really am not up to finding some outside sex at this time. Too much hassle. So I take he cheated? and please stop using the word 'dicks'. It would be like me referring to a woman (my ex, my wife, etc.. doesn't matter) as a c*nt. It's not appropirate. No he did not cheat... but please continue to assume all kinds of things. He just lies - whats the difference? And would you prefer douchebag over dick? People change even after marriage. 2 months in huh? Their wants and desires change as they get older. We were married in our late 30's It happens with everything in life. As for children, both my wife and I never planned on having children but since our daughter was born in February my life has change SO much for the better. I've never smiled as much and as hard until she was born. As much as I had my life planned without children, I couldn't see my life without her in it now. OH MY GAWD! You are not suggesting that I should consider having a child because he changed his mind! I certainly hope not. This is one thing I have no desire for and clearly communicated way before we ever got into a relationship. You have to learn to adapt and keep an open mind to change in regards to things like children. :eek::eek:But you're right as well, that he has to adapt as well. You two both need to communicate what your needs and wants are and try to meet them as best you can. Nobody has communicated more clearly than I have. Simple things: a compliment would be nice on occassion - and to initiate sex..... oh and do what you say you are going to do.... I have super high demands of him don't I? No, it's not the same. You express your desire to leave yet you fail to do so. You are afraid of the unknown so you will stay in a situation that makes you miserable. NO I do not fear the unknown- I know what it holds if I leave... I will not rebuild everything I have worked so hard for. Sure you might have your fun with friends and family, but you are still alone. Seems like you put your self-worth into this man and since he's failed to live upto his end of the bargain you are going to stay for what reason? You won't lose everything, but if material items are that important to keep you in a miserable marriage, then that's your choice. Again you assume it is material items.... it is not. It is a way of life. This is the abuse that I'm talking about. This isn't funny. You talk about him being a d***, yet the things that come out of your mouth make it seem like you are also one. Yep. As I told him - if you want me to quit being a C - you change your behavior.... I am not in denial that I am a bitch to him. But after this long there is really nothing left but that. It's either you work on what is hurting you and resolve it and learn to communicate with your husband or just physically leave. He can leave.... I have requested that on several occassions.. obviously he must like my "abuse"? My abuse consists of telling him he is a dick when he is a dick.... yep terrible. It's the only way you will get this hatered out of you. This vile that you have in you is like you drinking the poision and expecting him to suffer because of it. That's not going to happen. And if you look back on your situation I can guarnatee it all started with bad communication. It's COMMUNICATION that makes and breaks a marriage. Again if there is any bad communication it is on his part..... not mine. The best thing that ever happened is me going to visit his shrink with him. It made it clear that he has issues. He is PA and the shrink cannot even deal with him. Quote " you are very articulate" says shrinky to me..... not to him. Look at the "kid thing".... I clearly state NO KIDS. NO DESIRE NO WANT NO WAY EVER.... I LIKE MY LIFE WITHOUT THEM... COULD NOT DO WHAT I DO WITH THEM. I WILL NOT HAVE KIDS EVER!!! NO means NO! Some of us mean what they say... know exactly what we want or do not want. JM maybe you didn't but that doesn't mean everyone is like you. If I say I want a pizza for dinner that is what I want..... not a plate of spaghetti.... not a burger... I want pizza. I know exactly what I want when it comes down to 99.9% of things in life. No surprises here at all. He is nuts and selfish and I will not ruin my own happiness (you can have a happy life without a spouse people - you can love your job, life, friends and still have a pain in the ass spouse) Perhaps I view things differently. I don't think you need the love of another person to be content and happy with yourself. I do think if you have a partner they should not be a negative aspect to your life on such a constant basis. This is a man that used me. As soon as we got married.... no job..... quit the sex... stopped paying attention.... quit cleaning the house - previous to M it was not this way. He lied. So yeppers I am a tad pissed because I based my decision to marry him on the way he treated me before M. And the fact that he did have a job- the fact that he did act like he gave a crap about me. So I should just pack up and leave everything I have invested into my life, goals, and dreams? NOT!! Either he changes or I drive him out. He can leave if I am that terrible. I have busted my ass to build a business that pays all the bills. Busted my ass to pull us (his pre M debt) out of debt. And all I ask in return is a couple of nice compliments.... some sex .... and to do what he says he is going to do. He is simply a Taker.... and he takes too much without giving back. I am crystal clear on what I need and want from him. He simply chooses not to do it. No matter how nice I was to him, no matter how much I tried....... I have no sympathy left for him. Yeppers I am a wee bit resentful and tell him so. He just chooses to continue his behavior. I have yet to see what he gets out of it. Except the fact that he has zero debt now, a great business, a nice house, and me that has to pick up the ball everytime he drops it or we would be living out in the street. --------- yeppers...... tad resentful that he cannot give anything in return but I will, I should, I meant to, I was going to, but......
Dark-N-Romantic Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 I think most husbands do appreciate their wives, maybe not in the way a wife may understand, but he does. Just like I am sure a lot of men can make the same claims about their wives as well. The problem is we don't want to understand and see how a person appreciates us. Maybe that person can accommodate every last fantasy or dream of how we expect love to be. And way too many men and women marry believing that once the ring is one all these magically changes and things are going to happen. In truth, that man and that woman is going to be that same person for a long time and then as things start to settle and they start to change, they must WORK at changing together. Another thing is that people marry thinking THEY are going to change someone... The only person who can make that change is that person. So, if a man or woman is expecting their spouse to all of a sudden to start complimenting them on their cooking where no standard was made, how can you get made if they don't start doing it when you get married? With all the things life throws at a person in a day, now add to that the problems that arise in the marriage, now add to that all these ideals we have to live up to as husbands and wives, people get tired, lost, or just plain overwhelmed. So, maybe you don't get the "I love you's." like you want or you don't get as much or the quality sex you think you deserve. Why run? Do we just toss "For better or for worst." out the window? How about "For richer or for poorer?" Do these concepts mean nothing anymore? A lot of people want to knock the old ways of how marriages use to be, but believe it or not, there were far less issues and problems in marriages back then there are now. To the 80% of women who divorce and 20% of men, unless your life is in danger, I think they started off with poor or over inflated ideas of marriages and have no backbone or guts to be of value even to the next person they marry (which is why so many (at least in America) the more a person gets married, the slimmer the chance the next marriage will work). So, stay put. Fight for why you got married. Even if it takes years, the majority of men and women will get it. I know as loving as I can be, I can be slow on the uptake or sometimes not take things too seriously, but that does not mean I don't love you, just that it might take me a little longer to get back on the same love road as we started out on. I personally have always stopped pursuing a relationship where the woman divorced her husband (not because I am sexist, but because I prefer women) for anything else than he putting her life in jeopardy. Other than that, she has shown she is flighty and is not willing to live up to her vows (and now here in the vows does it say "Happily Ever After." or "Effortlessly Easy.") DNR If your not willing to take the hardships that comes with forever, don't get on the bus.
Woggle Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 I agree and that is why men should never get involved with a walkaway wife. They are just not built for a healthy and stable relationship.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 This is true but women do get more sympathy even when they are in the wrong. Geeze, I would have loved to have had some of this "so called sympathy" because I got none. It just simply doesn't happen that way as many times as you might think. Maybe in your area with some of your friends but it doesn't always happen that way. The difference is I didn't ask for anything but a few pieces of furniture and my retirement and my children half the time. I'm perfectly capable of supporting myself, I was the one who wanted out of the marriage so how would it have been fair to take him to the cleaners???
Mz. Pixie Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 I agree and that is why men should never get involved with a walkaway wife. They are just not built for a healthy and stable relationship. I'm certainly glad my husband didn't feel that way when he got involved with me. Some wives do not walk away for stupid reasons Wog- and luckily some men can tell the difference.
Woggle Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 I'm certainly glad my husband didn't feel that way when he got involved with me. Some wives do not walk away for stupid reasons Wog- and luckily some men can tell the difference. No offense but who knows what you will do in the future. I go by the belief that if she did it to him she will do it to me.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 7, 2008 Posted October 7, 2008 No offense but who knows what you will do in the future. I go by the belief that if she did it to him she will do it to me. That's unfortunate.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 I thought women did the filing so they could take advantage of the "perks" when it comes to divorce or something...or simply they just grow tired of their man, and find a new one. I keep hearing stories of how "men are expendable, and that's why women dump them." That friend is the truth of it. Just as many Husbands are taken for granted as wives. Often in the same relationship. Women file for divorce because it is culturally more acceptable, and for the most part they get the better financial end of any divorce proceedings. Look at it like this. You can find a new man to pay for you... and still get money from the old one. Plus if you support yourself well... Cha-Ching!
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 I'm certainly glad my husband didn't feel that way when he got involved with me. Some wives do not walk away for stupid reasons Wog- and luckily some men can tell the difference. True Pix, but the good ones don't wear stickers! Your H took a risk, probably because he knew you well. Value him for it, most of us would not have viewed you as anything serious!
Mz. Pixie Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 True Pix, but the good ones don't wear stickers! He totally understood how neglected I was in my marriage. He also knows I'd never do anything like that again because of the pain it caused me. Value him for it, most of us would not have viewed you as anything serious! You have no idea what you would have viewed me as. I'm smart, successful, compassionate, and sexy as hell if I do say so myself. Never have had a problem attracting a man or keeping one if I wanted to. I do value him for it but I'm as much as a gift to him as he is to me- and he would definitely tell you that.
Jersey Shortie Posted October 8, 2008 Posted October 8, 2008 A lot of people want to knock the old ways of how marriages use to be, but believe it or not, there were far less issues and problems in marriages back then there are now. Well, that isn't completely true. I think there were fewer expectations from men and women for the other side, but I also think they put up with a lot more and didn't have the luxury of "love" that we have today. Alot of relationship problems, at the core and heart of them even if they come in different forms, have been here since the dawn of time. I think both women and men have unreaslistic expectations when it comes to relationships. I think both women and men put more preasure on the other sex to perform a certain way that is more pleasing to their own style. Note that I said "both". Not just men and not just women. Alot of this thread has come down to "men do this" and "women do that". And while alot of what is being said is true, neither gener here is really taknig the time to listen and understand they other while wanting to be heard out about their issues. It's alot harder to try to understand the other side and get intouch with it then it is to be intouch with the issues you personally have. I think the only thing we can ask of both men and women is that you really try to listen to what they are saying and not try to tear them down for it. Men, you think women whine and nag? Women think you aren't listening to them and don't know how to get you to do the things they need/desire you to do. Women, you get upset when your man spends 4 hours on the couch on sunday watching football? He worked a long week and needs a few hours to reboot. Divorce is not gender specific. There are things women and men do. Am I looking for a perfect man who never makes mistakes? Ummm, no. And I really don't think most women have that unrealistic expetations either. But when you don't feel loved or cared for this mistakes seem 10 times worse and can only add to the problem. Women aren't looking for perfection. We are looking for someone to care about us. Just as probably most men are. And it doesn't seem like either sex always does a good job of it. If you are a woman, you should really try to listen to what the guys are telling you and ask yourself why he feels that way. When he says you are nagging is he trying to be mean or is he reacting to your negative comments and being defensive because he is feeling bad. And same for you men. You should really try listening to what your woman is trying to tell you. Does she really not want to have sex with you? Or does she just feel tired and over whelmed and unattractive. I am sorry but it is easy for us all to sit here and say the issue is communication..to which it is. But men are not better communicators then women. And vice versa. Especially when it comes to relationships.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 He totally understood how neglected I was in my marriage. He also knows I'd never do anything like that again because of the pain it caused me. You have no idea what you would have viewed me as. I'm smart, successful, compassionate, and sexy as hell if I do say so myself. Never have had a problem attracting a man or keeping one if I wanted to. I do value him for it but I'm as much as a gift to him as he is to me- and he would definitely tell you that. Your both lucky! Similar to you I've never had problems getting or keeping. I don't know for sure how I would view you, but what I can say is that I would be accurate.
45Reverse Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 ....., "80% of women file for the divorces". nuff said... ...and 80% of the time they clean their husbands out of money, the house, and then take the kids just for good measure. Love all you ladies but when a stereotype fits...well, it just fits.
annieo Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 nuff said... ...and 80% of the time they clean their husbands out of money, the house, and then take the kids just for good measure. Love all you ladies but when a stereotype fits...well, it just fits. My exh accused me of ruining him financially when we divorced, because I wanted my half of the marital assets. I had to go back to school to retrain, get back in the workforce after a few years at home with babies, and I wasn't going to live in poverty (with my kids, who are with me half the time) so he wouldn't have to write that equalization check. 8 years later and his mortgage is almost paid off, and he and his girlfriend are looking to buy a house together at least double the value of the one I live in, in a great neighbourhood. Boo hoo, poor him. I really cleaned him out, obviously I really wish men would stop whining about this. It's a statistical fact that a woman's standard of living drops post divorce, while a man's goes up. That's why there are laws that make sure we get something, not just for us, but to take care of the kids.
Recommended Posts