pryors1 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I've been dating this guy since May.. he's 23, I'm 21. He's absolutely amazing. The only thing that sucks about him is that he doesn't want a relationship right now. He says if he's going to be in one, he wants it to be serious and he's not ready for that now. We are both in school and work full time so we are def busy. We are having sex. He brings me around his family, friends, we go out, I've even told him I wanted to stop having sex, thinking that was all he was in it for and he says that's fine he's not in it for sex. We don't talk everyday, but a lot of that is my fault b/c I rarely write or call him, he's always the one to do it. He tells me he loves hanging out with me, thinks I'm amazing, all that great stuff but just isn't ready for a serious relationship just yet. He did get out of a 3 year relationship about a year ago, and this girl hurt him, so when I have talked to him about us, I feel like maybe he's scared of getting hurt again. I know for a fact (and so does everyone else) he is not seeing anyone else.. it's just me. I could call him at 4am, tell him I'm coming over and he wouldn't have a problem with it. He is never ever rude to me, and we never go more than maybe a day without talking. It's not like he disappears for 2 weeks and then comes back and we have sex. He's never said this is all we are ever going to be. I just want to know anyone else's opinion of what this seems like... Any help would be much appreciated!!!
shykitty Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I think you just need to give it some time. I went through something similar and time heals a lot wounds.
ed-205 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Yeah, sounds to me like all you need is a little patience. On the whole, it sounds like you two have a pretty good thing going.
JoeNewbie Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 If you were in a relationship with him, what would be different? You are already in touch every day. What would change if you were to call it a relationship?
audrey_1 Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I've been dating this guy since May.. he's 23, I'm 21. He's absolutely amazing. The only thing that sucks about him is that he doesn't want a relationship right now. He says if he's going to be in one, he wants it to be serious and he's not ready for that now. We are both in school and work full time so we are def busy. We are having sex. He brings me around his family, friends, we go out, I've even told him I wanted to stop having sex, thinking that was all he was in it for and he says that's fine he's not in it for sex. We don't talk everyday, but a lot of that is my fault b/c I rarely write or call him, he's always the one to do it. He tells me he loves hanging out with me, thinks I'm amazing, all that great stuff but just isn't ready for a serious relationship just yet. He did get out of a 3 year relationship about a year ago, and this girl hurt him, so when I have talked to him about us, I feel like maybe he's scared of getting hurt again. I know for a fact (and so does everyone else) he is not seeing anyone else.. it's just me. I could call him at 4am, tell him I'm coming over and he wouldn't have a problem with it. He is never ever rude to me, and we never go more than maybe a day without talking. It's not like he disappears for 2 weeks and then comes back and we have sex. He's never said this is all we are ever going to be. I just want to know anyone else's opinion of what this seems like... Any help would be much appreciated!!! This is how my situation started out that just ended. He didn't want a relationship because he needed to work on himself, find a better job. We basically had a relationship without the label, spending as much time together as we could, since we were long distance (two hour drive). For the first year, I don't think he was seeing anyone. His mom was incredibly nice to me. His guy friends were nice to me. It seemed to click. We had amazing sex, but now he is seeing someone else, and suddenly, without real explanation, I'm on the backburner, maybe even forgotten. No contact in a week. When I read what you wrote, it sounded EXACTLY what I would have written at the very beginning of this experience. I'm not saying to be overly guarded, because that may put stress on the situation. Just go with the flow and have fun, but DO NOT emotionally invest where you will end up being hurt. Having sex with him over time will complicate this. If it gets to the point where you fall in love with him, and all this time he's claimed he didn't want a relationship, he can walk away without a word, and he will. I have asked myself whether having sex with him was a mistake. I was no longer a mystery. I became routine. He knew he could have me, while telling me he didn't want a relationship. I wasn't a challenge. So he grew tired of me and moved on. I'm not sure this is true in all cases, but if a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't. And when he does, chances are it won't be with you, especially if you've been there for him during this phase, providing sex and emotional comfort. When he's ready for something serious, he'll move on to a "challenge" he'll feel like he needs to earn. You won't be it. Just please, please be careful.
zicke Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 This is how my situation started out that just ended. He didn't want a relationship because he needed to work on himself, find a better job. We basically had a relationship without the label, spending as much time together as we could, since we were long distance (two hour drive). For the first year, I don't think he was seeing anyone. His mom was incredibly nice to me. His guy friends were nice to me. It seemed to click. We had amazing sex, but now he is seeing someone else, and suddenly, without real explanation, I'm on the backburner, maybe even forgotten. No contact in a week. When I read what you wrote, it sounded EXACTLY what I would have written at the very beginning of this experience. I'm not saying to be overly guarded, because that may put stress on the situation. Just go with the flow and have fun, but DO NOT emotionally invest where you will end up being hurt. Having sex with him over time will complicate this. If it gets to the point where you fall in love with him, and all this time he's claimed he didn't want a relationship, he can walk away without a word, and he will. I have asked myself whether having sex with him was a mistake. I was no longer a mystery. I became routine. He knew he could have me, while telling me he didn't want a relationship. I wasn't a challenge. So he grew tired of me and moved on. I'm not sure this is true in all cases, but if a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't. And when he does, chances are it won't be with you, especially if you've been there for him during this phase, providing sex and emotional comfort. When he's ready for something serious, he'll move on to a "challenge" he'll feel like he needs to earn. You won't be it. Just please, please be careful. Agree with Adurey1. Listen to what a man says in the beginning, it will be his excuse in the end. If having casual sex with him is all you are looking for, then go for it. But if you are truly looking for a relationship---he isn't going to be the guy.
torranceshipman Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 100% agree with other posters-sorry, but this isn't the guy for you. I've been in a very similar situation and couldnt understand how this guy seemed to love me (in fact he told me he did!), would give me gifts and stuff, we went on dates but he said the same about not wanting a R as he wasnt ready. In the end I left the situation alone as I got too involved (we'd actually been a couple before but only for a little while) - but over the last YEAR since I stopped takin him seriously, he's hit on me and wanted to spend time with me all of the time, when he's been single, when hes supposedly been with someone-he'll tell me 'she isnt as gorgeous as you' (yes, BAD-I actually cut him off for a long time for that!!)-and actually he was even sending me extremely flirty emails today. I dont think he'll ever stop being really attracted to me but wont offer a R (not that I've asked for one since a yr ago!!). Why? Who knows, I have no freakin clue! All I know is that he must have major issues or baggage and thus, he is better to be avoided! (unless I want to have a little fun, or flirt, or just spend time with him as a friend as I do think he's a sweetie-he's a great valuable friend when I need one - and I have no real romantic feelings for him)... Just avoid him as you'll get a lot of these signals and they wont mean anything-he has issues...
Ronni_W Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 He brings me around his family, friends, we go out,...he's not in it for sex. ...He tells me he loves hanging out with me, thinks I'm amazing, ...he is not seeing anyone else.. ...I could call him at 4am, tell him I'm coming over and he wouldn't have a problem with it. ...we never go more than maybe a day without talking. I'm a bit confused -- other than the label of "serious relationship", how would it LOOK different? Would your feelings change, or would something be 'added' that you two don't already have and enjoy? Cos, honest to goodness, I'd describe my 10-year relationship in pretty much the same way. Well, we just started living together but other than that. And if he all of a sudden said, "Hey, let's not say this is serious but we won't change anything else," I'd be like, "Sure...if that pleases you." And have a big grin on my face -- who is he trying to kid? I hate to break it to your guy, but he is in a serious relationship! He would hurt if you weren't around, you brighten up his life, likely even add meaning and joy, he'd miss you if you were gone. Who is he trying to kid?
zicke Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 RonnieW---I could not be with a man for 10 years and live with him and he is all "wait, you know we aren't serious right?" WTH? Saying you are in a relationship with someone brings it to another level mentally. It is saying you are committed to that person, and how your actions affect them. When someone says---nope no relationship, but still treats you as if you are in one, they aren't taking your emotions into account at all. It's cruel. And it's an easy out---"hey I never said we were serious---why so upset?"
Ronni_W Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 I could not be with a man for 10 years and live with him and he is all "wait, you know we aren't serious right?" ME EITHER!!! I was trying to say that EVEN IF he wanted to say that now (for some unknown-to-me reason), but didn't ALSO want to change anything else, THEN it would make no material difference -- the "label" alone, isn't what makes the relationship, I mean. Commitment is in the mind, heart, soul, conversations and actions. I don't care if we call what we have a "zippitylolligag" instead of a "serious relationship" -- all by itself, that doesn't change a meaningful thing. IMO. OP's guy is telling himself (and her) one thing, but he is acting totally the opposite...he is acting like someone in a serious relationship, INCLUDING exclusivity, as far as OP knows. I wasn't suggesting for her to just go ahead and assume that a "serious relationship" is what they have. They don't. I'm asking, what would the difference LOOK like? What is currently being missed, that the label itself would provide?
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