Alcoholism ruins a happy relationship

[cheezy100]

Like a month ago in my other thread, my family STILL dislikes him...but now, far worse. Both my sisters don't APPROVE of him, and telling me to break it off with him. He's not the one for me. Problem: He loves drinking alcohol, and to me, and my family, an alcoholic. He can drink 5 shots of sake bombs and then later go to a club and drink 5 shots of Hennisi? in one day (I don't drink, so don't really know how to spell it). He tells me he only drinks on Fridays and Saturdays...with his buddies every week. I don't drink unless it's every 6 months. We have 2 different lifestyles. And my sisters hate it when he drinks and drive me home. They don't want me to die or be paralyzed. I was stupid, I admit to get in the car with him, but he wasn't drunk, but just buzzed and alert to drive. But I was stupid, yes.

 

My sister doesn't want me to develop a romantic relationship with him cuz in the end, I'll get hurt, physically and mentally. She said he'll always drink. It's just that I know they are really watching out for me and I appreciate it. But I think I like this guy or am infatuated right now. I've been seeing him for 1.5 months. He met my dad and one of my sis and her b/f 1-2x already. They just don't like him. My sis said she's disappointed in me and the decision I made. She said that he's not my type, that I'll learn bad things from him, i'm in the wrong crowd. I need to find somebody that is more conservative that suits me and my lifestyle.

 

Honestly, I think that a 26 yr old guy would drink and party with his buddies cuz he has nothing else to do on the weekend. I know that and I'm understanding. I know friends that drink a lot, but just not every week like him.

 

My sis said, "i'm telling you to break it off with him. Just tell him we're not right for each other." She said that if I develop a romantic relationship with him, "Don't ever call me Sis again, and I mean it on my grave."

 

This has become a very big situation. Normally, my sis wouldn't drag me out in the middle of the night and say "WE NEED TO TALK TONIGHT~!" She wouldn't tell me what to do and what not to do. She really thinks this guy is not right and so does the rest of my family.

 

In my heart, I don't want to break it off. I'm happy when with him, i'm comfortable, and I'm relaxed. I still have a wall to protect myself from him, but i'm happy as of right now. The alcohol issue is just becoming a ****ing pain in the ass. I'm sorry, but I'm so ****ing tired of all this **** right now. ANd I don't normally CUS!!!! I'm so just......grrr....irritated and stressed. I wasn't stressed before THE TALK...I wasn't stressed about school like before, I wasn't stressed about men...but I'm STRESSED because of what my ****ing family thinks about the guy i'm dating and that they want me to break it off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

What the hell should I do? THe guy doesn't know yet that my family is not fond of him, but he does have an idea that my family dislikes him drinking.

[shykitty]

This was such a catchy title.

 

I think you should really talk to him about it and tell him how you feel about it. it feels like he's left in the dark about what's going on.

 

My sis said, "i'm telling you to break it off with him. Just tell him we're not right for each other." She said that if I develop a romantic relationship with him, "Don't ever call me Sis again, and I mean it on my grave."

 

Eek! Wow, she really hates him. From what I read here, it seems like she's already met him and she has a bad feeling about him. If she feels this strongly about this guy, maybe she might be on to something.

[Geishawhelk]

OK, this is what you tell your family.

"He doesn't seem to think he has a problem. He doesn't drink all day and every day.

I will compromise and promise to never let him drive, or get into a car with him as driver, when he's been drinking. (this could be tough as alcohol is readbale in the system anything up to 48 hours after the last drink!)

The Minute it looks as if the drinking is interfering with our lives, or it changes his behaviour towards me, I will get out.

But right now, everything is OK. So please respect my feelings and accept my decision."

 

The only one who can change what he does, is him. And he's got to want to.

Anyone who says they can drink that much, and it doesn't affect them, is lying. Maybe not deliberately.... They may not feel different, but they don't see what others see...

To drink and drive is utterly senseless, stupid, irresponsible and selfish. Particularly if they take passeengers and expect them to accept it and say nothing.

If he has nothing to do at the weekend, it might be nice for him to hang out with you, instead of his drinking buddies....? By the time he's 40, his liver will be 85.....

 

Me?

I'd drop him like a bag of snakes.....

[RecordProducer]

Drinking and drinking+driving are two different things. I am not sure if it's only the drinking that your family doesn't like. For a person who normally doesn't tell you what to do (so I am ruling out the control-freak syndrome), your sister seems very concerned.

 

I don't know if the guy is good and I don't think you know either. All I know is that your family's opinion is important to you and they want him out of your life. Frankly, if my parents who have never interfered with the choice of men I've made, even when I chose the wrong guys, insisted on me breaking up with somebody, I would listen to their advice. Because if they would say that someone is wrong for me, they would be right. When family members have a history of interfering and being out of place, one can ignore them.

 

Finally, it's up to you to decide. Do you drive? Tell your BF that even if he's an excellent driver under influence, if somebody else hits him and gets injured, your BF will go to jail (even if it's not his fault) because he was driving drunk.

[CarrieT]

I'm sorry but your comment that at 26 years old he has nothing else to do strikes me as extremely naive. Of course he has other things to do besides drink and you are saying all the things that enablers say when they are in a relationship with an alcoholic and are rationalizing their behavior.

 

My mother died of alcoholism and I just ended a tragic relationship with an alcoholic. It *is* all rationalization and despite your love and desire to be with him, his drinking will not change and will ultimately cause you considerably more problems than those you are having with your family. Listen to them; they have your best interest in mind and because you only drink ever six months or so, you will be MUCH better off with someone who has a similar lifestyle. Let this guy find someone who will drink as much as he does.

[JoeNewbie]

First of all, nothing in what you describe makes him an alcoholic. Does your family even know what alcoholism means?

 

The fact that he can down ten shooters in one night does not make him an alcoholic. The fact that he drinks every week does not make him an alcoholic either.

 

Now, for drinking and driving - if he has five drinks in the course of the evening (e.g. 4-5 hours), he is perfectly fine to drive.

 

Also, your family is way too controlling. Who you date is none of their business unless the guy treats you badly.

 

The more important question is, how does he treat you? How is his temper? Is he a caring person?

[shykitty]

hi!

 

yeah, I don't think he's an alcoholic. It's perfectly normal for a dumb 26 year old dumb kid to be drinking on the weekends. I'm more understanding about it because most of my friends (we're all 21 year olds) that are around that same age range, do like to loosen up on the weekends. Does that make me an alcoholic?

 

the main issue is the fact that he's driving under the influence of alcohol. that's dangerous and irresponsible!

 

 

um. 5 shots can definitely impair your driving. Take the keys or tell him to not drink. if he pulls a fuss, THEN drop him. Otherwise, I'd just see how things go. I usually take what my parents say to mind..but never let it dictate my thoughts. They've been right..and wrong before.

[CarrieT]

JoeNewbie says "if he has five drinks in the course of the evening (e.g. 4-5 hours), he is perfectly fine to drive."

 

That sort of sentiment is WOEFULLY misguided and I would bet cold-hard cash that a positive alcohol test would prove a blood-alcohol level which would make it illegal to drive.

[JoeNewbie]

JoeNewbie says "if he has five drinks in the course of the evening (e.g. 4-5 hours), he is perfectly fine to drive."

 

That sort of sentiment is WOEFULLY misguided and I would bet cold-hard cash that a positive alcohol test would prove a blood-alcohol level which would make it illegal to drive.

 

Please check your sources before you make such statements. For an average male, one drink per hour keeps him in a very reasonable zone - not sure what your state limit is, but in this situation he'd be way under 0.05 for sure.

[mark982]

dating someone who "loves" to drink is touchy.i'd keep my eyes wide open for more drinking than what he says,alchol is a slowly creeping disease.one min. your fine than boom your addicted(yea i'm a recovering alchy).

[joshaz]

Please check your sources before you make such statements. For an average male, one drink per hour keeps him in a very reasonable zone - not sure what your state limit is, but in this situation he'd be way under 0.05 for sure.

 

Unless of course he is drinking at altitude... There is no hard and fast rule that will work every time in every circumstance. Driving buzzed is driving drunk, and there is no excuse for it.

 

If you are concerned about it and he isn't, suggest he buy and use a breathalyser (~$100). At the very least it sends a very clear message.

[2sunny]

i guess the real question here is do you want to lose the relationship with your sister over a man in question?

[Geishawhelk]

Please check your sources before you make such statements. For an average male, one drink per hour keeps him in a very reasonable zone - not sure what your state limit is, but in this situation he'd be way under 0.05 for sure.

 

It depends what the drink is, and how big it is..... a 'shot' in one place is not necessarily the same measure 'shot' as in another place...

That's how some places keep clients. By keeping them 'happy'.....

 

And are we sure he's being honest about his quantities? In my experience, people talking about their drinking habits tend to under-state the amount hey consume......

[RecordProducer]

The fact that he can down ten shooters in one night does not make him an alcoholic.

It only makes him very drunk! A person who can drink 10 drinks in a few hours is the kind of person who doesn't stop drinking until he passes out or it's time to go or they run out of booze/money. Not being able to stop is number one reason for death due to accidental overdose. Once they get drunk, many people are not able to estimate how drunk they are and how much more they can drink.

 

Now, for drinking and driving - if he has five drinks in the course of the evening (e.g. 4-5 hours), he is perfectly fine to drive.

:confused:

 

Also, your family is way too controlling. Who you date is none of their business unless the guy treats you badly.

Yeah, they shouldn't be concerned until something bad happens. Knowing that their girl is driven by a drunk BF is OK. I mean, let's give the guy a chance to prove that he is perfectly able to drive after 10 shots and if he isn't - then let's start worrying.

[cheezy100]

UPDATE:

 

He called and told me "I need to talk to you tonight, it's urgent." He had the assumption that my family hates him. We went to the park and talked. Around the corner, the questions "so what does your dad think of me?" More to say, I think, what do your sisters think about me? I said, "Honestly, they don't like how you always bring me home intoxicated and late."

 

I made it really clear that the ALCOHOLISM is really the main problem. He told me he didn't think that the "dislike" would be so serious. He said, "i don't understand why they hate me when they've never really met me, or just that 10 minutes." My older sis never met him, but she already doesn't want him to be with me. I guess, the details I tell them really put negative marks for him. I've never had such a serious talk with him before. I don't think I smiled at all today, and I'm getting sick!!! I'm ill and I don't want to think about what decision I'm planning on making.

 

It's either HIM or my FAMILY.

 

Of course, I'll pick family over a guy. But honestly, I want both. I want both sides to be happy, but I don't think it's gonna be that way. Somebody's gonna get hurt. My sis said to me again tonight, "I'm still standing my ground. Even if he changes, I'm still not going to accept him."

 

He told me if I wanted him to quit drinking, he'll quit. Honestly, I don't wantme to be the reason why he has to change. I don't like drinking, but I want him to quit drinking or drink slightly because of himself, his health...not for me to make my family happy and accept him. Then he'll be unhappy.

 

I straight out told him everything. From the alcohol...to my family and friends thinking he's not right for me, he's a player, i'll get burned and heartbroken, I'll get hurt physically/mentally, comatose, paralyzed from drunk driving...you name it, I said it. He told me he had no idea the alcohol issue would be such a big problem. He asked, "If I change, would they change their views on me?" He said that he dislikes my older sister already, for judging him before she met him. He doesn't like to judge ppl unless he has seen it himself. I'm just so tired with this stuff, that it's making me ill and stressed.

 

It was a happy relationship until my family gave me advice and their disapproval about this guy.

[shykitty]

eek!

 

your story makes no sense. First you say, your BF only met your family for 10 minutes. Then, you say your BF never met your family.

 

My sis said, "i'm telling you to break it off with him. Just tell him we're not right for each other." She said that if I develop a romantic relationship with him, "Don't ever call me Sis again, and I mean it on my grave."

 

My older sis never met him, but she already doesn't want him to be with me.

 

nevertheless, it's wrong that your family would say this about a guy they don't even know. the only bad thing I'm seeing here is that he drank and drove...but I didn't get the impression he hurt your family or hurt you..and he seems like he's putting a genuine effort to change.

 

i'm not saying he's a good guy or anything because I don't know the story..but that's a very strong statement to say about someone that you never met.

 

[cheezy100]

eek!

 

your story makes no sense. First you say, your BF only met your family for 10 minutes. Then, you say your BF never met your family.

 

 

 

 

 

nevertheless, it's wrong that your family would say this about a guy they don't even know. the only bad thing I'm seeing here is that he drank and drove...but I didn't get the impression he hurt your family or hurt you..and he seems like he's putting a genuine effort to change.

 

i'm not saying he's a good guy or anything because I don't know the story..but that's a very strong statement to say about someone that you never met.

 

 

My older sis never met him, but my 2nd sis, dad, and 2nd sis's bf met him. my 2nd sis talks to my older sis. Everything that they know, is just verbal info that I give to them from dates with him. maybe the things I say are negative more than positive about him, but that's because I want their thoughts/advice about it. I didn't want it to eventually be, "BREAK UP WITH HIM. HE'S NOT RIGHT FOR YOU."

 

Yeah, my bf was saying "how can they dislike me when they don't even know me, especially your older sis, I've never even shook her hand. As of right now, I don't like your older sis."

 

Honestly, I'm not a judgmental person. I would meet the person, then judge. I wouldn't base my judgement from someone telling me data.

[You'reasian]

1. Tell him that if he's going to be drinking, you are going to take posession of his keys.

 

2. You mention that he drinks on the weekends - I don't see this as alcoholism. If he needed a drink of very strong alcohol every morning, you'd have a better case. Get him to do other activities that do not involve alcohol.

[Lucky_One]

I said, "Honestly, they don't like how you always bring me home intoxicated and late."

 

Hmmm. For 1.5 months, your new drunk BF drives you home, and you are drunk and you are late. You say you typically drive twice a year or so.

 

I would say that your family sees you changing in a very unhealthy way, and they of course are not going to like it or approve.

[cheezy100]

I said, "Honestly, they don't like how you always bring me home intoxicated and late."

 

Hmmm. For 1.5 months, your new drunk BF drives you home, and you are drunk and you are late. You say you typically drive twice a year or so.

 

I would say that your family sees you changing in a very unhealthy way, and they of course are not going to like it or approve.

 

it has been unhealthy. I don't like alcohol in general. I don't like bitter tastes. well, he's been getting me home around midnight now, maybe earlier since I have class the next day. Ever since school started, he gets me home around 8-9pm on weekdays...but on weekends, it's like 12am.

[Trimmer]

I think I'm seeing some real boundary issues here.

 

I got from another thread that you are 22, is that right? Are you an adult yet? Your family is treating you like a child. Yes, they are concerned, and they have every right, motivation, and even duty to express that concern, but this idea of disowning you if you don't go along with their concern, that going a bit over the line, don't you think?

 

I can totally imagine a distressed sibling warning you in strong terms of her concerns about your boyfriend (and they may be well-founded; I'm not claiming otherwise.) But to tack on that she would disown you, I just don't get that, in the context of any kind of healthy, adult-sibling relationship. It just seems like there is something unfinished about your and your sister's transition to independent adulthood here. And I think that family dynamic will continue to be an interfering factor in your relationships until you really become an independent adult.

 

And for your part, are you taking full responsibility for being and adult and making your own decisions? In your words, he "brings you home intoxicated and late..." No - YOU are the one who got intoxicated and came home late. By saying he "did it," by thinking and making excuses in terms of when he "gets you home," you are disclaiming responsibility for it, acting like the irresponsible child, and playing right into the family dynamic, and just feeds into them continuing to treat you that way. It all comes full circle.

 

I don't know what to tell you about the guy. The problem is that you cannot consider your relationship with him separately from your relationship with your family, and that isn't healthy. In a similar way, you yourself are not separating from your family and living as a fully responsible, fully independent adult. I suppose that's OK as long as it works for you, but as you see here, it tends to interfere with your ability to make adult decisions for yourself about your own relationships.

[cheezy100]

I think I'm seeing some real boundary issues here.

 

I got from another thread that you are 22, is that right? Are you an adult yet? Your family is treating you like a child. Yes, they are concerned, and they have every right, motivation, and even duty to express that concern, but this idea of disowning you if you don't go along with their concern, that going a bit over the line, don't you think?

 

I can totally imagine a distressed sibling warning you in strong terms of her concerns about your boyfriend (and they may be well-founded; I'm not claiming otherwise.) But to tack on that she would disown you, I just don't get that, in the context of any kind of healthy, adult-sibling relationship. It just seems like there is something unfinished about your and your sister's transition to independent adulthood here. And I think that family dynamic will continue to be an interfering factor in your relationships until you really become an independent adult.

 

And for your part, are you taking full responsibility for being and adult and making your own decisions? In your words, he "brings you home intoxicated and late..." No - YOU are the one who got intoxicated and came home late. By saying he "did it," by thinking and making excuses in terms of when he "gets you home," you are disclaiming responsibility for it, acting like the irresponsible child, and playing right into the family dynamic, and just feeds into them continuing to treat you that way. It all comes full circle.

 

I don't know what to tell you about the guy. The problem is that you cannot consider your relationship with him separately from your relationship with your family, and that isn't healthy. In a similar way, you yourself are not separating from your family and living as a fully responsible, fully independent adult. I suppose that's OK as long as it works for you, but as you see here, it tends to interfere with your ability to make adult decisions for yourself about your own relationships.

 

I really like what you wrote and it's not like I haven't though about it myself. It's the same thing that I have recently come to realize about myself. I feel like I'm not able to make my own decisions, adult decisions. even my bf sometimes say "you're not a kid anymore, you're 22!" I feel like whenever there is a problem, I always need to go to them and ask for advice...ask them what would be the best decision and take it into consideration. I still feel like a child. Sometimes I wonder, if you don't let me go out there and make either bad/good decisions for myself, how will I GROW and MATURE? This is one time that I actually want to stick with my gut feeling and stay with my bf because I just think it's not that bad of an idea. This is one time that I want to make a decision on my own and take this risk. I promise myself that I won't get hurt mentally and physically. If I did, I deserve to die for being so stupid. But I'm not a stupid person, I know what's wrong and what right. When i should step up and protect myself from harm. It's just the whole alcohol issue that my family makes everything so complicated. Not to mention my bf and I met at the club. >_<

 

Yes you are right that I shouldn't blame him that HE'S the one that got me drunk late at night. He didn't force the alcohol into my mouth and down my throat. It was I who grabbed that shot glass and said CHEERS with him. I could have said no. That was my mistake. And I have learned. I have learned to say no to him when I don't want to drink. He is clear now that my family doesn't want him to drink and drive with me. However, it is my stupidity that I let myself be in the car with him when he drank and drove. If I was smart, I would have taken his keys and drove us back home.

[RecordProducer]

Hmmm. For 1.5 months, your new drunk BF drives you home, and you are drunk and you are late. You say you typically drive twice a year or so.

No, HE is intoxicated, not she. And she said she drinks twice a year, she didn't say she drives twice a year. Apparently, she doesn't drive.

 

Of course, I'll pick family over a guy. But honestly, I want both.

This is starting to sound like you will pick the guy that your family wants for you to mkae them happy. That's very wrong. I am not saying you should date this guy, but it should be your decision.

 

. Somebody's gonna get hurt.

And that's going to be YOU.

He told me if I wanted him to quit drinking, he'll quit.

If he really means it, that's very sweet of him. I hope he is not just saying it to make you sleep with him, if you already haven't. He might keep his promise for a while and then go back his old self. I understand that your family is afraid that you might get pregnant and end up marrying him, and they don't think he's the right guy for oyu. You're the one who knows how far you're willing to go with this relationship.

 

It was a happy relationship until my family gave me advice and their disapproval about this guy.

So this thread should be called "Family ruins a happy relationship."

[D-Lish]

A 26 year old guy who throws back beers on the weekends with his buddies is not an alcoholic. He's doing what a lot of people his age would do- drink, dance and let loose on the weekends!!! That does not mean he has a problem abusing alcohol.

 

The drinking and driving IS what you should be concerned about. Set that boundary with him that this cannot happen again. That is what I see is the problem here, and YOU can control whether or not you get in the car with him if he has been drinking. YOU can take his keys from him, or call a cab.

 

I don't quite understand the family dynamics... I'm curious, does culture play a role in this?

 

At 22 years old, you should have reached a point where you can make your own decisions about whom you date. You should also be held accountable for your own actions- ie: if you participate in having a few drinks OR choose to get in the car with him.

 

Mt parents or siblings would never even THINK to interfere with whom I choose to date.

 

So... your sister has told you that you either break up with this guy or she won't be your sister anymore? You don't see anything wrong with this?

 

Look- you have fed into this by airing all your relationship secrets to your family. That's never a good idea.

 

Stand up for yourself! Both with your guy and your family. He needs to know the D&D is not an option anymore... But you're not a child- assert your right to make your own choices.

 

The guy told you he'd stop drinking after learning it was an issue... geesh- that's saying something.